Should I have sex with a guy I'm not attracted to?

January 28, 2012 12:00 PM

I'm single and I've been saying for ages I want to have more sex. I'm getting sick of finding I'm in the mood and not being able to (really) enjoy it. A new guy I met recently has fallen madly for me, and would clearly get physical if I showed any interest in him. Truth is I don't find him physically attractive at all, and I don't think there is any chemistry for me, but he seems trustworthy and an ok person. Assuming he would be ok with sex w/o a relationship, am I crazy to shag him just because I want the sex? Have any of you girls ever done this - what was it like? Worth it?
posted by EatMyHat to human relations (33 answers total)

If there's no attraction AND no chemistry, then I really don't think it's worth it. In a similar situation, I just felt kind of icky and unsatisfied after.

My vote's a no, on a number of levels.
posted by too bad you're not me at 12:06 PM on January 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

has fallen madly for me

Nothing wrong with casual sex, but if he's fallen for you and you're kinda meh, I'd stay away from this one. He might open himself up to a casual thing in the hope of winning you over, even though you've set ground rules, etc. It's hard to tell since you've given such little information, but this sounds like a mismatch which isn't good for any relationship, even a casual one.
posted by sweetkid at 12:07 PM on January 28, 2012 [19 favorites]

Not fair to him, not fair to you. Bad karma all around.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:12 PM on January 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

If he's fallen madly for you, and you don't feel the same way at all, it's probably a recipe for disaster. I don't think it will really be casual sex for him even if he says it is.
posted by fromageball at 12:17 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

Don't play with people just to get your rocks off.
posted by smidgen at 12:19 PM on January 28, 2012 [24 favorites]

In my experience, sex with someone you're not into (even without leading them on) leaves you feeling kind of icky and unsatisfied after.

YMMV. Go for it if you want to, although considering how mad about you you think this guy is, you owe it to him to be clear up front that it's casual sex and not going anywhere.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:20 PM on January 28, 2012

You'd leave him hurt at the end of it, because he'd realize that you took advantage of his geunine affection to just use him for sex. Apply the Golden Rule: don't do it.
posted by Dasein at 12:22 PM on January 28, 2012 [9 favorites]

Done it. He was conventionally good looking, and an incredibly kind, awesome person, but with ZERO chemistry, I ended up having to close my eyes most of the way through the act. Strangely enough, he was also the most skilled partner I've ever had, and in one night, he literally doubled the total number of orgasms I've ever been given by a partner. But I walked home that night knowing I couldn't lie to myself, and sent him a "that was nice, but not again, thanks" email.

His feelings for you only further push this intO "heck no" territory.
posted by hasna at 12:23 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not to pile on (well, ok, to pile on..) "Assuming he would be ok with sex w/o a relationship, am I crazy to shag him just because I want the sex?"

In general it's not crazy to shag someone just because you want the sex. But it wouldn't be a kind thing to do to this particular guy. If you just get want to get it on, find some dude who isn't that into you either. Or, optimally, someone with mutual attraction.
posted by bleep at 12:26 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

In my opinion, if he's fallen for you, then it's safe to say that casual sex just isn't going to cut it for him.

I wouldn't do it.
posted by Trexsock at 12:28 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Speaking as a guy, I'd be pretty unhappy about something like this -- if I was nuts about someone and she slept with me just because she wanted to get her rocks off, I'd find that mighty hurtful.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 12:31 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

The problem is that he's fallen for you, which means what would just be physical for you would be emotional for him.

Surely, you can find another nice guy for some casual fun.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:42 PM on January 28, 2012

I've been the guy on the receiving end of this situation and it is humiliating. I say this with all the baggage in the world proudly attached: Please just, don't.

Go to a freaking bar and find some dude to fuck there.
posted by windbox at 12:49 PM on January 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Ok. So that'd be a no then. Lots of good answers - thanks for all your comments!
posted by EatMyHat at 12:53 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wow, I am in this exact situation now. The difference is that the guy is not really madly in love with me, but he did ask me out shortly after we became acquainted and I turned him down. About 6 months later, we ended up drunkenly hooking up after a party.

So the second time we had sex (sober this time), I basically reiterated my position that I didn't want a relationship, this was to be casual, laid down some ground rules I'd like, and then asked for his opinion. Maybe it was the distance between the asking out and the hooking up, but he seemed okay with it and we both hashed out a situation that was ideal for both of us. I'm a little worried that he might still be a little too into me than I'd like, but if I feel like it's not working or I'm being a dick towards him we can just stop having sex.

I'd say that if you can talk it out with him, or even just wait a few months to let his feelings cool off, maybe you could try it out after clarifying exactly what the situation will be.

It doesn't hurt that it's been a looooong dry spell for me too and this guy is pretty fantastic in bed. But with all the no's I'm seeing on preview, this might blow up in my face soon. YMMV
posted by cajalswoon at 1:00 PM on January 28, 2012

Put yourself in his shoes: would you be fine with a man you were madly in love with doing this to you? "Golden Rule", &c.
posted by aquafortis at 1:13 PM on January 28, 2012

Then again, if you actually like him as a person, and are totally honest with him, so as not to hurt or lead him on, sleeping with him might change your lack of attraction to him to attraction. I have seen it happen.
posted by Vaike at 1:13 PM on January 28, 2012

Yes, did it. No, not a good idea. I still regret this and it made me feel bad at the time, too.

It isn't worth it to use another person, even with full disclosure, particularly when said person has some feelings for you.
posted by bearwife at 1:20 PM on January 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm a guy.

If I had fallen madly for a woman, and she said "I'm not interested in a relationship, nor do I feel much chemistry with you, but I want to have frequent and vigorous sex with you," I would calmly reply, "When would you like me to start?" while internally jumping for joy and thanking God for my good fortune.

Maybe that's just me.
posted by jayder at 1:48 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

If I had fallen madly for a woman, and she said "I'm not interested in a relationship, nor do I feel much chemistry with you, but I want to have frequent and vigorous sex with you," I would calmly reply, "When would you like me to start?" while internally jumping for joy and thanking God for my good fortune.

I wouldn't feel that way at all. I would thank her for her honesty and part ways. OP, I don't know if you're interested in my answer since you specifically asked the female Mefites, but I don't see how you cannot ethically get into this relationship. And I use the word "relationship" deliberately, because that's what it would be. If at least one person feels that strongly, it can't be described as just "casual sex."
posted by John Cohen at 1:57 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'd skip this one. I think you'd both be happier in situations where you're on equal ground.
posted by mochapickle at 2:21 PM on January 28, 2012

Go for it if you can be honest with him about what you want from him. If he can go into it with his eyes open, knowing that it's just sex for you, then it's his choice to do that (or not). If you get with him, be honest with him.
posted by Solomon at 2:26 PM on January 28, 2012

I wouldn't feel that way at all. I would thank her for her honesty and part ways.

Then surely the right answer is "Ask dude in question whether he is more like jayder or more like John Cohen, and let it be his responsibility to give you an honest answer," not "This is unethical and you should forget about it."
posted by escabeche at 2:35 PM on January 28, 2012 [11 favorites]

Should I have sex with a guy I'm not attracted to?

Even without the other reasons this is a bad idea, I think your main question answers itself.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 2:40 PM on January 28, 2012

Personally, I second dixiecupdrinking - I've felt good about having sex in lots of situations where others might have pointed to perfectly sensible reasons why it wasn't a good idea, but I've never felt good about having it with someone I wasn't really attracted to.

That said, I do have some women friends who feel like they get something that's better than nothing out of attraction-less sex - the ego boost, the physical touch, etc. You might find that too. But if you haven't tried it to know yet, it seems kind of mean to try it on this guy who is really crazy about you.
posted by Salamandrous at 2:53 PM on January 28, 2012

I don't understand why you'd have sex with someone you aren't attracted to. Seems to defeat the purpose of an enjoyable sexual experience, and also use someone in a way that isn't respectful to the other person.

Sorry to be crass, but would you want someone to have sex with you just because you have a vagina and boobs and it's convenient? Why not just use a vibrator? It's not a nice thing to do to a person who has a crush on you. Just because he might be willing, it doesn't make it right.
posted by anniecat at 3:33 PM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

If I had fallen madly for a woman, and she said "I'm not interested in a relationship, nor do I feel much chemistry with you, but I want to have frequent and vigorous sex with you," I would calmly reply, "When would you like me to start?" while internally jumping for joy and thanking God for my good fortune.

I'd like to point out that at least some guys will say "Oh, okay" on the outside and inside be thinking, "But I can change her mind with the power of my mighty wang of love! Besides, she likes me enough to sleep with me, right?" You may not get an honest answer out of a guy with a mad crush on you when you've just told him you'll sleep with him. A lot of guys ignore signs of a woman's disinterest or flat out take anything she does as interest-- and this is Interest.

Don't lead him on. There will be Drama if you go there. But it looks like you've already decided that is bad, so good for you!
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:24 PM on January 28, 2012 [5 favorites]

Well, you could get some immediate thrills from someone else (this is kinda what one-night-stands are made for, no?) but get to know this guy as a friend without leading him on. It's possible that he has other qualities that could change your mind about your level of attraction.
posted by desuetude at 9:57 PM on January 28, 2012

Please don't sleep with this man. Tell him you're not going to sleep with him, or have a relationship with him, and you're not going to change your mind. It would be fine -- as jayder said -- if he was not in love with you. He could accept a lack of chemistry for the sake of some casual fun. But if he is, you will be taking him from ache to torment (if not now, then when you move on). Break it off with him. Find someone actually casual.
posted by ead at 10:41 PM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't think most people enjoy sex with someone who doesn't turn them on. At least, I know I never did.

Why not get out there and meet someone with whom the attraction is mutual? That way, the sex is likely to be hotter for you, and no risk of awkwardness from a one-sided crush thing.

I mean, putting aside the ethics, the pragmatics don't seem to make sense.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:52 AM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ok thanks everyone for all your input - really interesting to hear all the ideas but sounds like no is the way to go on this one.
posted by EatMyHat at 2:20 AM on January 29, 2012

I have, decisively and in a considered manner, repeatedly not done this, despite ample opportunity (unattractive shlemiels queuing around the block for a chance to get anywhere near my pants! yay?), because I didn't think I would enjoy it very much. It sounds like an exercise in futility. For me. YMMV.

You've already made your decision, which I must say I agree with, especially because of the "has fallen madly for me" aspect. Maybe he wouldn't mind (hmmm...), but it's dicing with heartbreak (his).
posted by tel3path at 12:05 PM on January 29, 2012

I did it, and had a very educational experience, but the drama and fallout after I ended it with the guy was a hassle. He was emotionally attached. Turns out, sometimes the guy who is crazy into you before you even go out on a date also tends towards insecurity and controlling behavior, and then you're in for a messy end no matter how adult you both agree to be about it. I'd say I broke even, but it wasn't a win.

If you want a FWB experience, you're probably better off finding someone with the same goals.
posted by griselda at 12:03 PM on January 30, 2012