Grieving for the living?
January 27, 2012 8:07 PM   Subscribe

My sister cut herself off from me over a year ago, and I'm still hurting. Any advice over getting over this at last?

My sister had a pretty turbulent relationship with the entire family for around a decade, leading up to some serious arguments, issues and general mental illness related intricacies. Through out this time, we always stayed in touch either through calls, letters, or just a friendly text from time to time depending on how much space she was trying to put between herself and the rest of us.

This changed around a year and a few months ago, where she suddenly cut off communication with me without warning. She had done this before to the rest of the family in stages, but she had sworn to me that she would always remain in touch, so the sudden silence came like a bolt from the blue. We'd previously had a close, friendly relationship so I couldn't figure out why I was cut off then, and I still can't now. I still attempt to keep the option to talk open by sending her well wishing texts on her birthday, the holidays, and when major events occur within the family; this has yielded a response twice, once when our step-father was taken to hospital, and once when I was diagnosed with depression. These text conversations were two or three texts long, serving only so I could give her the info she needed, and for her to offer a little comfort in return.

I can pretty much guess that the cut offs are to do with her own battle with mental illness, which when we last spoke included depression and some formal of social paranoia or aversion. I've read some of the questions on here where a person has been stuck with a person that furthers their mental health issues and have been advised to cut that person out of their lives if they can: maybe she thought the family as a whole caused her to self-destruct and got out while she could. It still doesn't stop it hurting for those who were left aside.

I want advice on how to get over the pain and hurt I feel regarding my sister, which includes the fear that I'll forget her in time. As it stands I've forgotten her voice, so it doesn't seem that strange a fear to me... I've thought about grief counselling, but it seems strange to go to a therapist and ask for help grieving for someone who still lives, breathes, makes a life out there. I could try talking to one of the therapists who initially helped with my depression, but this doesn't seem like their area of expertise; they were wonderful, but they were more focused on dealing with the condition, not anything else. I'm just tired of getting upset every time I think of her, of her being the one emotional wound that won't heal.

Other small details I can offer is that we're at the opposite side of the twenties to one another (she's late twenties, I'm early), we're in the UK, and yes, I know this was her decision to make. I'm not pissed off with her for cutting me off (at least not any more), I just want to get over missing her and getting upset so much. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've thought about grief counselling, but it seems strange to go to a therapist and ask for help grieving for someone who still lives, breathes, makes a life out there. I could try talking to one of the therapists who initially helped with my depression, but this doesn't seem like their area of expertise; they were wonderful, but they were more focused on dealing with the condition, not anything else.

I actually think that discussing this issue with a therapist is a wonderful, wonderful idea (but I love therapy, so YMMV). Many therapists have experience in "family of origin" issues and will be familiar with some of the patterns and behaviors you describe. You've described your situation so eloquently here, particularly with it seems strange to go to a therapist and ask for help grieving for someone who still lives, breathes, makes a life out there, that I think therapy could be really effective for you in talking this out.

I know some things about sisters, and this sounds like a tough road for you. I wish you the best and hope you can find some peace with this new, distant relationship with your sister.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:17 PM on January 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


It is absolutely not strange at all to seek a therapist's help dealing with your grief over this. In fact, I suspect that one of the hardest parts of this for you is that you feel as though you're not entitled to grieve the end of this relationship the way that you'd be entitled to grieve a relationship that ended because someone died. It is perfectly appropriate for you to grieve in this situation, and it is perfectly appropriate and not at all strange to seek professional help if you're not able to grieve and move on with your life in a way that you feel okay about.
posted by decathecting at 9:07 PM on January 27, 2012


Yes, I agree with the above comments that it is appropriate for you to grieve, and a really good idea to seek a therapist's help in moving through the grieving process.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:10 PM on January 27, 2012


Speaking from the perspective of your sister, though circumstances not quite the same for me:

I had to cut off ties with my mother because the relationship over the years was getting too toxic. Even though I was the one initiating the disconnect, there was still a grieving process because it was the "death" of my relationship with my mother, at least in that state. I sought out a counselor who guided me through this difficult path for several months, and with the help of my significant other, the situation is now a bit more bearable and ultimately, healthier for me mentally.

Therapists are professionals who know how to slowly unravel the tangle of emotions that disables you. You never know what things, other than your relationship with your sister, may lurk beneath the first layer of pain from separation.
posted by vnvlain at 9:33 PM on January 27, 2012 [4 favorites]


Maybe part of the reason you're reluctant to seek out a grief-focused counselor is because you still maintain a certain amount of hope for the relationship. And in your mind, making that appointment symbolizes the surrender to the idea of that relationship's death. fwiw, it sounds to me like that a grief therapist could be really helpful, but I understand how hard it might be to get there.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:37 PM on January 27, 2012 [2 favorites]


Not a lot of answers here, but they're all really good!

I can speak from the perspective of the sister, also.

Yes, I absolutely grieved those relationships when I cut them off. But it was the healthiest thing for me.

My brother maintains a relationship with our mother, and that's why I eventually stopped speaking with him, too. He was a painful reminder of my past, so that alone might have been enough for me to cut him off. But the deciding event was when he had a child with his wife and allowed her close contact with him and his family. Our mother is mentally ill, so it's not her fault that she's abusive necessarily, but I would not let her near my children. My brother set no boundaries for our mother after his son was born. I stopped talking with him because I knew EXACTLY the dramas that would ensue, and frankly, I wanted to skip it since I had no control over it. If his choice is to continue with our mom, knowing what he knows, then I can't support that as if it's OK. I can't.

In my eyes, my brother is choosing dysfunction over health and well-being. There is nothing noble about continuing the cycles of abuse. Full Stop.

----

OP, it's possible your sister cut you off because it is too painful to watch you struggle with depression and other negative fall-out from family dysfunction.

I suggest you put aside your issues with your sister for a while and deal with the real issue - your abusive family you maintain relations with.

**You gotta put yourself first here.**

Are you setting good boundaries? How does past abuse play out in new relationships? When will the blow-back from your continued interactions with unhealthy people be too much? Is it already too much? Would making a change here make some space for healing and improve your depression??

-------

Your sister has done you a great favor. Please make the most of it.
posted by jbenben at 12:24 AM on January 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


jbenben, nowhere does the OP mention abuse or even dysfunction in her family. Of course it is possible, but the OP has stated her sister's mental illness as the reason.

It sounds like your sister has stopped communicating with you but has not asked you to stop contacting her. If so, do keep reaching out to her via letters and occasional texts on non-triggering subjects (if you know what those are for her) or light topics you would share with an aquaintence. This sounds very hard for you, I'm sorry you are going through this.
posted by saucysault at 1:27 AM on January 28, 2012 [8 favorites]


saucysault, I think her assumption comes from this part:
I've read some of the questions on here where a person has been stuck with a person that furthers their mental health issues and have been advised to cut that person out of their lives if they can: maybe she thought the family as a whole caused her to self-destruct and got out while she could. It still doesn't stop it hurting for those who were left aside.

Here on AskMe, when commenters recommend cutting someone out of their lives who "furthers their mental health issues", it's generally (if not always) because that person is abusive.

It's also true, OP, that it's not clear how certain family members caused her enough grief that she had chosen to cut them all off before? You say you understood that – why? It would be helpful to know more about that, otherwise your question is hard to answer, because we don't know whether your sister is having issues around, possibly, her own perceptions that may be tained by depression, or issues caused by people surrounding her (which could also lead to depression).

My sister had a pretty turbulent relationship with the entire family for around a decade, leading up to some serious arguments, issues and general mental illness related intricacies.

Whose mental illness – only her own, or are there others in the family? Was she supported when she needed help? (By the others, I mean – it seems clear you did what you could to remain close to her.)
posted by fraula at 1:58 AM on January 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


("tainted by depression"; typo, sorry)
posted by fraula at 2:00 AM on January 28, 2012


Gosh, sorry again, I didn't directly address the main part of your question:
I want advice on how to get over the pain and hurt I feel regarding my sister, which includes the fear that I'll forget her in time.

This can also depend on the larger issues in your family. If it's her depression affecting her perception, she may come around in time; you may not have lost her for good. If it's something more complex, then it will be more... complex. Those who have suggested therapy/counselling are giving great advice, it could help you tease out all of these things. (And by the way, a counselor/therapist will probably ask similar questions to the one in my previous post. The family context is quite important in helping get an understanding of what your sister could be going through, and how she could best be approached.)
posted by fraula at 2:04 AM on January 28, 2012


I know what you mean about forgetting things - I've forgotten how my mom sounded when she talked and that's painful. However, this may not always be the case with you - remember that. Chances are you will speak to her again sometime, although I understand you're trying to manage the pain right now.

You say that you guess the silence is to do with your sister's current emotional state - have you actually asked the question of her? While it's very probable that you won't get an answer, it might be worth dropping her a line (you mentioned letters, which would I think be a deeper and less hurried method of commuication than texts - e-mails would work, too) and just asking the question. Say you are struggling with trying to understand her motivations for these actions, because she'd always given you to understand that she would be in touch, and tell her you miss her and it's hard coming to terms with this distance. Keep it short and friendly and say that you will continue to contact her with updates etc as you think necessary.

Bear in mind that maybe she might just want to hear about you and doesn't want to hear anything about anyone else or be reminded in any way about them, so don't mention them.

She may not reply, but she will have the information you want her to have. You've got nothing to lose. I don't see it as guilting her - she's never seemed to suggest you were any part of what drove her from the rest of the family and it seems a bit unfair to lump you all in together. And by doing this, you have made a choice about helping to define your relationship with your sister as well - at the moment, you are sort of on the back foot, waiting to be invited to communicate, but this way at least you have made an active decision and engaged with her on your terms, even if you don't get anything back. You may find this helps you feel less "done to".

And I also think that finding someone to talk it through with would be very beneficial(therapist, friends, family - do you get on with them? Do they have a view on what's happened? Oh - were they using you to "talk" to her at all? In which case, you might want to rethink whether that's appropriate).
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 2:16 AM on January 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Fraula, I saw that and the paragraph where she explained her sister suffered from depression and social phobia and stated that was the reason the sister cut off contact. It is an unfortunate side effect of those two illnesses that sufferer sometimes is unable to use their support network because they do not feel "worthy". It is a well-written, unbiased post, absent any mention of abuse; I think assuming the OP was deliberatly with-holding crucial information is not helpful. The leap to "deal with the real issue, your abusive family" (no maybe there!) and telling the OP her sister cut off contact because of the OP's depression (that was not diagnosed or shared with the sister until after contact was severed) seems to blame the OP with no factual basis. This would naturally make her defensive and disregard any advice, which this thread has quite a few good ideas.

As you can see OP, a therapist would have the time and resources to fully understand your situation whereas askme might be too quick to leap to judgement. You may need to see several therapists to see one who "clicks" with you.
posted by saucysault at 4:15 AM on January 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Although I suppose it's possible that abuse is the culprit here, nothing in the original post seems to explicitly or implicitly imply such a thing. Another and more likely possibility is that your sister is simply massively depressed and still loves you, cares about you, and is interested in your life. People who are depressed and/or mentally ill can do some pretty amazing mental gymnastics in order to comprehend and make sense of the world they're living in. I find it entirely plausible that your sister has cut off you and other members of your family because, as saucysault mentions, she feels unworthy of your attention and care. She may have so many negative thoughts swirling in her head that she is concerned that by conversing with you at all she will make your depression worse. She may wake up every day feeling horrible that she hasn't spoken with you, and she has no explanation for it other than her own depression, which makes talking to you all that much harder - how can she explain her absence? Every day the absence grows, making "the conversation" harder and harder. This fictional conversation she will have with you at some point may be crushing her - just thinking about it may give her massive anxiety. The spiral just goes down from there. Depression can turn people into ghosts, phantoms. And is she's cognizant enough to realize that yes, I am a person, but I am also a ghost, then she may make the next mental step of, people need to interact with other people, not ghosts, so I won't let the people I care about interact with me, because that's not fair to them.

In your mind: "I am very hurt that my sister doesn't want to interact with me. I feel like I did something wrong or that she doesn't like me anymore."

In her mind: "I am protecting [sister], who I deeply love and admire, from having to deal with me. If I speak with [sister], she'll just see how bad of a shape I am in and want to try to help me, but she has her own problems and shouldn't have to worry about me. And if I ever do anything really horrible to myself, then maybe she won't care as much if I push her away to the point that she has forgotten me or written me off."

See how twisted that is? You are hurting, but in her mind she is doing something noble. Now, I have no idea if that is what is happening here. It's entirely possible that your sister suffers from a different kind of depression or mental illness that is not self-defeating but self-protective. She knows she is depressed and in a bad shape mentally - how did she get there? Well, obviously her family. So she goes back through her life and constructs, through the remembrance of scattered events, a conspiracy against her that explains her mental health and justifies her actions.

Either way, the point is the same: this is about her mental illness, and it's going to be very difficult for you (or anyone, really, besides her and her therapist) to understand why this has happened or what she is thinking. Strangers on the internet are not going to give you any more clarity regarding her mental state. Though we may offer theories, ideas, and conjectures, we simply can't diagnose what is going on based on five paragraphs of background. What we can try to do, though, is help answer your question, which is what should you do to help yourself get over this. My suggestion is this: continue reaching out to your sister by writing her the occasional text, email, and, yes, letter.

If it's true that your sister is in a deep emotional/mental hole right now (either a hole of self-pity or a hole of self-protection), then your letters (even if they go unacknowledged) will help her from going further into Ghost-town. Keep your hand extended at all times. I would not recommend starting off with a letter asking to know what's going on. The fact is, you already know what's going on - she's hugely depressed. Instead, stay light, lively, and positive, as hard as that may be. In addition to possibly buoying her spirits, you may well realize you are boosting your own. What did the two of you do when you were close? Discuss movies, listen to music, watch TV? In your letters, tell her about the cool show you watched that you think she'd like, or the fun hike you went on last week. Let her be a part of your world again without any expectation of a response. Don't mention you would have loved it if she had been there. Don't heap any amount of guilt or judgment on her. Simply write to her, as often as you can, with notes that express your love for her and that you would enjoy hearing from her sometime. Only when she finds help, or when the chemicals in her brain start getting balanced again, should you attempt to have the conversation about what happened and why she cut off contact. At that point you can tell her how much it hurt you, and how much you always want to be a part of her life, even in her darkest times. If this is really a matter of an abusive family that she needs to separate herself from, then your letters and your outreach may get a different response: please leave me alone, I'm trying to get better without your help. Either way you'll have more of an answer than you have now. Best of luck.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:35 AM on January 28, 2012 [8 favorites]


I've got the long perspective on this. I'm at 20+ years of an estrangement with a sibling who never had a proper diagnosis for their mental illness. When I was the one (and the first in my family) to cut ties I knew at the outset I was blazing a path into the unknown, having had two other sibling die before this one went off their trolley. It was and is like a death to me, except when I think back to before "the death" ... there's nothing there but the pain of being woken up in the middle of the night to screaming (and maybe cops), those random phone calls at my work (and embarrassed explaining to uptight wealthy suburbanites about why some wack job is harassing them on the phone when I wasn't available to take the abuse myself because I was busy with clients). Plus there are so many other incidents, none of which were positive by any stretch of the imagination.

This came up again the other day. I found a beautiful photo of said sibling when they were young, and I casually mentioned to my only remaining sibling that perhaps I could send the photo back to my disturbed sibling. "We have a saying around this house" says the wise sibling, "let sleeping dogs lie." This sibling was right. No amount of my good intentions, or wanting to do what I do best (connect people with their past) will change our ill sibling and would only once again serve as a painful reminder of the fact there can be no relationship.

I hope you'll possibly have a chance at things changing, but in the event they don't and your in it for the long haul like so many others out there in the world, perhaps it is best to treat this as a grieving process and access the appropriate resources to help you process that grief.
posted by kuppajava at 8:34 AM on January 28, 2012


In the end there are a lot of pieces missing from your summary that obviously it is all a guess as to the why. My sister also cut me off for a few years and at the time I never knew if I would hear from her again (I did a few yrs later and now she is back in my life), so I am mainly sharing what I thought about to try to get over the pain and hurt at the time. Some of the may or may not apply to you OP, but if anything helps....

Giving a background because these things could apply to your situation,too. Now the family that I grew up with tried their best, but as an adult I realized that a few pple were not that great in terms of how they treated pple/borderline abusive to me as a child. So as an adult, I cut 2 of those pple out of my life (brother/parent). Now my sister struggled with severe depression (and other psychiatric disorders) as a young adult and for a time period tried to include everyone in her life. I did not think that my brother or one particular parent would be good for her, but I never verbalized what I thought.

Her depression got worse and she eventually stopped communicating with everyone.

At the time, the main thing that I focused on was: she has concluded that something about our family was not right and it was part of a formula that made things worse (for her). If she never contacted me again, she would probably be in a better place health wise to not have my brother and father in her life. Maybe she would figure things out in time and recontact me, but if this is what she needed to do to get well, so be it.

I also dealt with this in a different way, but I suspect it may be because my sibling had more than just depression. I dealt with a loss even when she was in contact with me--and the loss was where she was (psychologically) as a result of mental illness. My sister never will be "normal" and deals with demons that I can't see/hear, so nothing I can do will pull her from that world.

My sister did come back eventually, first in the form of letter. She got treatment and could see the world from a different point of view. She told me that she had been in a bad place but she also told me about abuse that she experienced growing up that was far more severe than I knew about--so part of the separation was to figure out who these pple were/and give what happened a name.

tl;dr I tried to focus that cutting everyone out may lead to my sister getting better...

I also viewed the mental illness as part of this and tried to decide how to understand it and deal with it. To me, I didn't have anyone else to talk to about this, but reading other perspectives helped me. "The Glass Menagerie" spoke to me, especially the last few sentences. But everyone deals with these things in a different way.

posted by Dances with sock puppets at 9:06 AM on January 28, 2012


Mod note: From the OP:
Some of you wondered about my family, how things were with her, whether things have been abusive and such. I apologise for not including this stuff up front, I just wasn't certain about including too much about the family when posting the question. Of course, I can't thank those of you who have answered enough, and I will be looking into the best option for grief counselling over the weekend. Anyway, on to family relationships...

My mother and sister have had a rough relationship. My mother doesn't have the best view on depression, and she often accused my sister of using her illness to manipulate others, or as an excuse to do nothing or to wave away her mistakes. They had blazing rows on many, many occasions, which would often end with my sister in tears, and on one memorable occasion my mother attempted to kick down the door of her flat after cutting off communication. My sister and my father...I can't remember much of their relationship, to be honest. My father used to have a short temper and had a habit of punching walls to vent his anger, which may have something to do with why he was cut off, but we'll never know; my sister has stated many times over that she'll take the reason for cutting off our father to the grave, often while apologising to me and asking me not to let it affect my relationship with him. I've not let it hinder the relationship, and my father is actually the most supportive person in the family when it comes to my own depression. My sister and step-father had a great relationship, while I consider him my own personal trigger person, if that makes sense, and can't wait for financial independence to put some distance between us. Everyone else in the family has either said stuff to her behind closed doors so I don't know about it, or have been fairly nice to her and as such I can't bring up any relevant information for you.

You guys may read that as abusive all over, but I can recall no evidence of physical abuse towards her. Verbal abuse is almost certain, but I can't offer any evidence myself. I can't blame her for cutting herself off from the family, I really can't, but as we had a good relationship I can't figure out why she shut me off. Maybe it was down to me being too close to the people who hurt her, as Jbenben said, or perhaps I hurt her too and I just can't view our interactions objectively enough to see it. Just to say it, I've got good relationships with everyone in the family, and I've never felt I've been abused in any way and I've never endured anything remotely like the crap my mother gave my sister. Aside from my step-father, I'm happy with everyone, and they've been nothing but supportive of me.

Sis has been depressed for roughly a decade now, and has been through several kinds, from major depression, to manic, to a milder form of major when we last spoke. She's also had several other mental illnesses including both forms of eating disorder, which she has thankfully overcome. Over this time she has been on many forms of medication, and in various intensities of therapy. Again, when last we spoke, she seemed to be on a medication and therapy combination that did her well, which is a relief if nothing else.

Finally, saucysault, I wish I could send her a letter. She cut herself off during university but at the time I got so concerned about her that my teenage mind decided "everyone loves getting a letter!" was reason enough to try writing to her. This led to months where the only communication my sister had with anyone in the family was in the constant exchange of letters between us, and I loved getting a letter back from her, partly as a reassurance she was fine, partly because she had the best gossip. If I could, I'd write to her again in a heart beat but she's moved and nobody knows where to. We know she works at the same place as before, that it might be theoretically possible to get her address from her superiors, but that'd be taking things way too far. She cut herself off, doesn't want any of us to know where she is, and that is to be respected.

From the odd sightings others have had of her, it seems my sister is doing very well, looking better than ever and getting up to much more than she used to. I really hope this is the case... She deserves joy and confidence and everything that depression took from her for so long, and if all of that can only be achieved without any of us in her life, so be it.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 11:52 AM on January 28, 2012


You wrote: You guys may read that as abusive all over, but I can recall no evidence of physical abuse towards her.

But in the previous paragraph you wrote:

on one memorable occasion my mother attempted to kick down the door of her flat after cutting off communication

My father used to have a short temper and had a habit of punching walls to vent his anger

both of these are examples of physical abuse.

You also wrote:

Verbal abuse is almost certain, but I can't offer any evidence myself.

But in the previous paragraph you wrote:

My mother doesn't have the best view on depression, and she often accused my sister of using her illness to manipulate others, or as an excuse to do nothing or to wave away her mistakes. They had blazing rows on many, many occasions, which would often end with my sister in tears

which is evidence of verbal abuse.

If your sister is in contact with you, and you know her address, then your mother could find that out from you (even if you tried to hide it, you would still have that information and your mother could find a way to get it) and try to break down her door again. It's pretty obvious from your update that your sister has to avoid you as a matter of personal safety, because talking to you could turn out to be as dangerous for her as talking to your parents.
posted by tel3path at 5:11 AM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]


« Older Any engineers out there?   |   Make mine Makgeolli Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.