Getting out of the Friend Zone and Fixing a Relationship
January 23, 2012 6:22 AM Subscribe
I'm trying to figure out how to get over a relationship, but don't want to rule out the potential possibilities of re-establishing a relationship with this person in the future. Any advice?
posted by xShinigamiEyesx to Human Relations (43 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I met this girl online a few months ago and we seemed to really hit it off. I found that as we discussed, we had a lot in common. However, the more time we spent together, the more things started to fizzle. I told her I liked her a month later and she told me she wanted to try us out. However, a day later, she tells me she is a lesbian and doesn't feel attracted to me. Therefore, I try to be a friend to get her to like me and I feel miserable the entire time (I know, I know, my fault). She continues to drop indicators that she likes me (once even saying that perhaps we really do belong together), but pulls away. We finally meet four months later and I spend a week with her and her mom. Same indicators of interest, but still doesn't commit. She starts talking about re-establishing contact with her ex-girlfriend, which is a major bummer to me.
I decide when I get back that I'm not going to sit around and be her douche when it comes to her ex-girlfriend. So I've withdrawn from her with little contact for the last half month. I finally tell her through email that I need space and block her on Facebook. I then feel guilty and re-add her, but tell her I still need space.
She hasn't said anything in relation to these events, although I still find it curious she has me listed as her "partner" on her Facebook. I've since deleted this connection on my profile but she doesn't do the same, although I express the wish that I wish she would (we started calling each other "heterosexual/homosexual life partners" and I realize that was making me a doormat).
I also realize that as I was getting to know her, I revealed far too many of my own insecurities. We're both gamers and I expressed how I don't like gaming around people because I feel I'm not good enough. I often even complained that I wasn't as good at a game she introduced me to (even though I know her skill comes from tons of practice) I realize I need to get rid of this low self-esteem, but I've learned it since I was young. Growing up, I had parents who did nothing but discourage me (due to a number of illnesses I had), so it's difficult, but I'm trying.
I also realize that I need to work on my issues. I've been writing in a private journal and realize that I hand way too much of my power to people. I recently heard "dating guru" David Coleman speak on my University's campus. He lauded me when I said that the one who has the most power in a relationship is the one that cares the least. However, it has been harder for me not to care. All of these issues are chronic (meaning, they've happened with multiple people) and I am just now learning to end the cycle.
For now, I'm not talking to her. She's still on my Facebook and can see what I post (unless I limit it), but I'm updating on it less because I'm personally of the belief that social networking sites kill the mystery in a relationship (I no longer immediately add new potential dates to my Facebook). I've often contemplated just deleting it, but I also use it to keep in touch with some of my real life friends, so I don't think it's worth doing it for one person. I realize that I gave her too much of myself and that this smothered the attraction that was there. So even if I don't get her back, I want to be the person that initially attracted her (if not better) since I feel this is closer to my authentic self (without the depressing behavior).
I also have decided that I'm not going to quit dating other people because of her. I'm doing what I can to get over her because I realize that can only help my chances if she comes back around. But it's even more important to prepare for the inevitability that we might not be able to work things out.