Help me flirt with my uber hot sweetie?

January 21, 2012 6:10 PM

flirting tips/ideas? i'm really good at sweet, romantic, thoughtful, etc. not the best at sexy.

my partner and i have been together for 2.5 years. we were friends for a long time before. we live a super happy life together, support each other and love each other. i want to be a better flirt, though. i can make my partner feel loved and wanted with kindness and romantic gestures, but i'm so historically shy that it's really hard for me to be sexy/dirty flirty. i'm wondering if there are any blogs, books, tips that folks could share so that i can try to step outside of my comfort zone. does my partner want this? she says she's happy with me as me but that it would be fun if i played with being flirty in a dirty way. i want to bring that to her and us as a couple! (she is good at it). i get frozen in my fear of not knowing what to do, so i'd appreciate your support. i have already tried writing some short stories of sexy build up for her. she enjoyed them, but i'm still honestly embarrassed of the process! i know i need to work on that - but i think honestly i'm going to need to take this on by "faking it till i make it."

thanks!
shy me

ps we're both women if that helps with the lingo.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Test or whisper first thing in the AM

"I went shopping for a little something for you. Hope you don't have to get up too early tomorrow."

It will have her wondering all day.

Profit!
posted by timsteil at 6:25 PM on January 21, 2012

It would really help us (and you, presumably) to know a little bit more about what kinds of things she finds appealing and arousing. I'd reflect on what usually turns her on during sex and then find ways to casually incorporate allusions to such things in your day-to-day life (kind of like what rodrigo says above). Also? If you enjoy reading lesbian/queer erotica, that might give you some tropes/ideas to fall back on. Unless she's read the exact same books, the ideas will be news to her. Know what else you could do? Very directly ask her exactly what she finds attractive/sexy. This is what kinky people have to do all the time when they negotiate how they want to do certain sexy kink/BDSM activities. I promise you that talking explicitly about it does not take away from its charm and hotness when the actual moment comes around. In fact, quite the opposite, since you have the assurance of consent and desirability.
posted by Betty's Table at 6:40 PM on January 21, 2012

"Partner, I really love _____" Eyelash bat

Costumes!

Could you be the initiator and or agressor a bit?

If you don't dress up much, it can be very nice to do so once in a while.

I picture dirtyflirty as some flashing of skin, maybe a little dirty talk, maybe a little hair pulling :D

Above all... dont stress too much.
posted by Jacen at 6:51 PM on January 21, 2012

Wear a pair of underwear that's close to death and tell her the only way she's getting to the goods is if she can rip them off your body. Added variable - teeth only.
posted by mannequito at 6:55 PM on January 21, 2012

1.) Focus on the aspects of yourself you think are especially sexy and beautiful. If, say, you love your legs most, buy the best stockings and short skirts for your dates. While you're getting ready, bend over a lot, fix your stockings-- essentially give your sweetheart a show and pretend you don't know you're even doing it. If you struggle to find any physical aspect of yourself sexy right now because you feel out of shape, work on your health. Just taking the time for self-care is pretty essential to sexiness cause no woman can really feel sexy if she's unhealthy and/or stressed and has no time to shower herself with beautiful thoughts, feelings and little luxuries.

2.) Focus on her fantasies. If she thinks nurses are sexy, for example, leave a note from "a mystery nurse" in her briefcase or wherever and then text her pictures of you wearing elements of it (keep your face out of the shot, just show isolated costume items one at a time)-- the top of the nurse hat, the edge of the matching garter, etc. If she loves any specific part of your body, emphasize it with your costume.
posted by devymetal at 8:38 PM on January 21, 2012

On the discontinued show The Unusuals, there's this episode where a man and a woman are saying numbers back and forth for the whole episode without explanation:

Man, 11:00am: "56."
Woman, 11:00 am: "79."

Man, 1:30pm: "118."
Woman, 1:30pm: "147."

(and so on)

At the very end of the episode, it turns out they were counting how many times throughout the day they thought about having sex with the other. It was flirty and also a little us-against-the-world since they could number share in front of other people and no one knew what was going on.

So you could steal that outright, or steal the concept and come up with something unique for the two of you!
posted by vegartanipla at 10:13 PM on January 21, 2012

Dirty texts are a great tool for the shy flirt! I also like surprising my girlfriend with fancy lingerie. Those are both non-verbal things that might not make you so nervous! devymetal's suggestion of physical flirting but playing innocent is also a good one. That can be really fun and it's nice and low-pressure for you, because your shyness becomes part of the game.

(You don't mention if there's any femme/butch dynamic at all in your relationship; maybe lingerie wouldn't work for you, I don't know. My girlfriend and I are both pretty middle-of-the-spectrum, and I find that whipping out the lace and lipstick can be even more fun and sexy because it's not something I do on a regular basis. YMMV.)
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:31 PM on January 21, 2012

Tell her you are picturing something very sexual between you, while making and holding eye contact. Hold it long enough for one of you to blush.

Browse lesbian poetry -- the hottest writing on earth -- until you find some that makes hairs stand up on your neck. When you find her later, pour both of you a stiff drink and read it aloud to her, slowly.
posted by ead at 10:54 PM on January 21, 2012

work the physical first. The words come from that. Only do dirty when you feel dirty.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:05 AM on January 22, 2012

Here's a guide to flirting from the Social Issues Research Center. It's geared more towards people you don't know very well, i.e. it has a lot of advice about approaching people in casual social situations, but if you skip down to "How to Flirt", there is a lot of very specific advice on how to speak, and how to use an respond to eye contact, body language, and touch.

I really enjoyed the highly specific advice, as someone who didn't learn this stuff naturally. From what I understand, it's based on research.
posted by malapropist at 4:31 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]