catching up with an ex, disappointing results
January 21, 2012 11:02 AM Subscribe
I recently reestablished contact with an ex-girlfriend that I haven't spoken to for many years. a few polite emails went back and forth, but i was hoping for so much more...
the background is, we had dated for 2 years, then she left me pretty abruptly for someone else. we had been close when dating, but after it ended I rarely saw or heard from her. which is natural, especially since she went straight into a relationship with someone else. we tried staying 'friends' for about a year, but it was a pretty pathetic attempt (I got a sad pity lunch date once a month or so). a year after the split she got engaged, and at that point I ceased all communication. I had been pretty crushed by the breakup, and the engagement pushed me over the edge. I just didn't see the point of pretending to be friends with this ex I rarely hear from or see, when I was pretty heartbroken, and she was starting a new life with someone else.
I had moved to a different city by this point, and I think it dawned on her that I wasn't going to stick around forever, so she started to make more of an effort. or maybe she thought it was safer to be a little less dismissive of me, now that I was no longer in physical proximity. anyway, I had stopped returning her calls (mind you I rarely heard from her during the prior year, the calls only picked up when I left town), but I stuck pretty adamantly to my guns - really I just wanted to be left alone.
I was a bit on the run for a few years after that. I took the occasional college class, working the typically crappy young 20-something jobs, moving from here to there, etc. pretty recently I've gotten into a more stable position in my life, where I've been happier and coming out of the clouds a bit mentally, and thinking about past events, and the people in it. I had wondered about her and what she had been up to, and it had been so long (around 10 years) that I didn't think there would be any harm in tracking her down and sending her an email.
so I did. a few polite and formal emails went back and forth, and then it petered off pretty quickly. it was nice to talk again, and i suppose she didn't have to respond to me at all, but I feel a bit disappointed. her emails were pretty impersonal, it was a bit like she was responding to the reunion committee with a canned response.
I can understand a few reasons for this. she seems pretty happy and stable, both relationship-wise and career-wise (she's successful and married, but not to the guy she left me for). I'm an ex from years ago, perhaps she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea and think I have an opening into her life again. and she's probably busy and enmeshed in her life, and not thinking too much about the past. it doesn't seem like she remembers a lot of it, or maybe she's uneager to revisit it.
so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence? I feel like I've gotten off of this desert island and I have so much to share about the last 10 years. I know you can't ask of people more than they're willing to give, and you can't force someone to write you an email. the last email i got from her was an apology that she hadn't written in awhile but she was pretty busy with work, and she'd catch up soon. that was a few weeks ago, so I'm guessing that's it. no, I'm not going to write her and pester her, I'd rather leave it and save face than get no response. or even worse, be told off.
I was talking to a friend about this of the same bent, and her opinion is that people like us (me and my friend, not me and my ex) tend to have long memories, and paint pretty elaborate portraits of the people in our past. whereas those people might not have given us much thought and have transitioned pretty easily, while they're still hanging there in our memories. I think maybe in a way, she was the last person important to me before I went off the map, now that I'm back on it she's the first person I want to share it all with.
maybe people who stayed on the straight-and-narrow aren't as keen to receive missives from those who wandered off lost. I don't know.
I know the main factor in our different correspondence expectations is that she's married and I'm still single, so here I am sitting around overthinking things while she's busy with her life. so really I do understand the logic of it all. but I feel like I had a lot more to talk about. maybe if I wanted a lifelong correspondence I shouldn't have stopped talking to her 10 years ago. my only option may be to write down everything I want to say just to get it off my chest, and then trash it, because it's not going to her.
the background is, we had dated for 2 years, then she left me pretty abruptly for someone else. we had been close when dating, but after it ended I rarely saw or heard from her. which is natural, especially since she went straight into a relationship with someone else. we tried staying 'friends' for about a year, but it was a pretty pathetic attempt (I got a sad pity lunch date once a month or so). a year after the split she got engaged, and at that point I ceased all communication. I had been pretty crushed by the breakup, and the engagement pushed me over the edge. I just didn't see the point of pretending to be friends with this ex I rarely hear from or see, when I was pretty heartbroken, and she was starting a new life with someone else.
I had moved to a different city by this point, and I think it dawned on her that I wasn't going to stick around forever, so she started to make more of an effort. or maybe she thought it was safer to be a little less dismissive of me, now that I was no longer in physical proximity. anyway, I had stopped returning her calls (mind you I rarely heard from her during the prior year, the calls only picked up when I left town), but I stuck pretty adamantly to my guns - really I just wanted to be left alone.
I was a bit on the run for a few years after that. I took the occasional college class, working the typically crappy young 20-something jobs, moving from here to there, etc. pretty recently I've gotten into a more stable position in my life, where I've been happier and coming out of the clouds a bit mentally, and thinking about past events, and the people in it. I had wondered about her and what she had been up to, and it had been so long (around 10 years) that I didn't think there would be any harm in tracking her down and sending her an email.
so I did. a few polite and formal emails went back and forth, and then it petered off pretty quickly. it was nice to talk again, and i suppose she didn't have to respond to me at all, but I feel a bit disappointed. her emails were pretty impersonal, it was a bit like she was responding to the reunion committee with a canned response.
I can understand a few reasons for this. she seems pretty happy and stable, both relationship-wise and career-wise (she's successful and married, but not to the guy she left me for). I'm an ex from years ago, perhaps she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea and think I have an opening into her life again. and she's probably busy and enmeshed in her life, and not thinking too much about the past. it doesn't seem like she remembers a lot of it, or maybe she's uneager to revisit it.
so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence? I feel like I've gotten off of this desert island and I have so much to share about the last 10 years. I know you can't ask of people more than they're willing to give, and you can't force someone to write you an email. the last email i got from her was an apology that she hadn't written in awhile but she was pretty busy with work, and she'd catch up soon. that was a few weeks ago, so I'm guessing that's it. no, I'm not going to write her and pester her, I'd rather leave it and save face than get no response. or even worse, be told off.
I was talking to a friend about this of the same bent, and her opinion is that people like us (me and my friend, not me and my ex) tend to have long memories, and paint pretty elaborate portraits of the people in our past. whereas those people might not have given us much thought and have transitioned pretty easily, while they're still hanging there in our memories. I think maybe in a way, she was the last person important to me before I went off the map, now that I'm back on it she's the first person I want to share it all with.
maybe people who stayed on the straight-and-narrow aren't as keen to receive missives from those who wandered off lost. I don't know.
I know the main factor in our different correspondence expectations is that she's married and I'm still single, so here I am sitting around overthinking things while she's busy with her life. so really I do understand the logic of it all. but I feel like I had a lot more to talk about. maybe if I wanted a lifelong correspondence I shouldn't have stopped talking to her 10 years ago. my only option may be to write down everything I want to say just to get it off my chest, and then trash it, because it's not going to her.
You said it: You stopped talking to her 10 years ago. TEN YEARS. You're basically a stranger now. People change a lot in 10 years, and so do lives. She moved on and lives in the present. You sound very much like you still live in the past, a few weeks after having seen her the last time. 10 years of "just catching up" are a lot, and she doesn't seem to be too interested in doing that.
Start living in your present, with people that are interested in your life. She's probably not.
posted by MinusCelsius at 11:11 AM on January 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
Start living in your present, with people that are interested in your life. She's probably not.
posted by MinusCelsius at 11:11 AM on January 21, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I think your idea to write down everything you want to say to her is a great idea. I wouldn't necessarily trash it immediately - if you write it by hand, you could just tuck it into a book somewhere (either in your own book, on your own shelf, or, maybe if you were feeling dramatic, in a copy of Post Secret at your local bookstore - provided there weren't too many revealing details in said missive!) or just keep it on your harddrive. See if you come back to it at all or if, by writing it all down, you do feel some closure. Good luck!
posted by unlaced at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by unlaced at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: my only option may be to write down everything I want to say just to get it off my chest, and then trash it Or wait until you have a friendship or romance with someone who cares about memories and stories the way you do and you can share your pasts that way.
Sucks. Sorry. But you're right, it's not going to be her. FWIW, cutting off contact ten years ago probably not why.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012
Sucks. Sorry. But you're right, it's not going to be her. FWIW, cutting off contact ten years ago probably not why.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012
Best answer: maybe if I wanted a lifelong correspondence I shouldn't have stopped talking to her 10 years ago.
Well....yes?
I understand why YOU want to reconnect with her. But I don't see any reason for her to want to reconnect with you beyond a few polite emails. It's not just that she's married and you're single -- it's that you're an ex-boyfriend she hasn't really talked to in a decade. I really don't mean this in an unkind way, but you're probably just not very important to her right now.
I'm thinking of the men I dated ten years ago, and mostly? If they emailed me out of the blue, I'd be curious about what's going on with them in broad strokes, but I'd be a little weirded out if they were looking for anything more than that. Particularly if the breakup hadn't been an especially cordial one.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Well....yes?
I understand why YOU want to reconnect with her. But I don't see any reason for her to want to reconnect with you beyond a few polite emails. It's not just that she's married and you're single -- it's that you're an ex-boyfriend she hasn't really talked to in a decade. I really don't mean this in an unkind way, but you're probably just not very important to her right now.
I'm thinking of the men I dated ten years ago, and mostly? If they emailed me out of the blue, I'd be curious about what's going on with them in broad strokes, but I'd be a little weirded out if they were looking for anything more than that. Particularly if the breakup hadn't been an especially cordial one.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Best answer: so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence?
Nope. Everybody has individual wants. You seem to be relatively in-touch with what your personal "wants" are, but you also seem to have a healthy recognition that people's invididual wants sometimes don't align. (1) You want to tell your ex about your life, but (2) she doesn't especially want to listen. That sucks a bit for you, but it's how life works—and again, you seem to have a really healthy understanding that it would be selfish of you to press the point. (You're right. It would.)
Writing the letter and then trashing it, or keeping it for your future self, sounds like a good idea. I've done that. It worked for me. I don't remember how much it alleviated my emotions at the time, because it was long ago, but in retrospect I feel absolutely no conflict or negativity about the situation and I'm glad I sat down and wrote things out. I'm also glad that I didn't share that writing and pour gasoline someplace where I had no business being.
Good luck to you in moving on.
posted by red clover at 11:16 AM on January 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Nope. Everybody has individual wants. You seem to be relatively in-touch with what your personal "wants" are, but you also seem to have a healthy recognition that people's invididual wants sometimes don't align. (1) You want to tell your ex about your life, but (2) she doesn't especially want to listen. That sucks a bit for you, but it's how life works—and again, you seem to have a really healthy understanding that it would be selfish of you to press the point. (You're right. It would.)
Writing the letter and then trashing it, or keeping it for your future self, sounds like a good idea. I've done that. It worked for me. I don't remember how much it alleviated my emotions at the time, because it was long ago, but in retrospect I feel absolutely no conflict or negativity about the situation and I'm glad I sat down and wrote things out. I'm also glad that I didn't share that writing and pour gasoline someplace where I had no business being.
Good luck to you in moving on.
posted by red clover at 11:16 AM on January 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence?
yes. she is not in your life and you are not in hers.
I had moved to a different city by this point, and I think it dawned on her that I wasn't going to stick around forever, so she started to make more of an effort.
this indicates you had built up a fantasy in your mind that the two of you were inevitably going to get back together once she truly realized how awesome you were.
don't think that way. move on. you are not going to ever be with this person again. sorry.
posted by modernnomad at 11:17 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
yes. she is not in your life and you are not in hers.
I had moved to a different city by this point, and I think it dawned on her that I wasn't going to stick around forever, so she started to make more of an effort.
this indicates you had built up a fantasy in your mind that the two of you were inevitably going to get back together once she truly realized how awesome you were.
don't think that way. move on. you are not going to ever be with this person again. sorry.
posted by modernnomad at 11:17 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's not wrong to want it, but it is pretty pointless to want it. You're not going to get "it", so move on. It's quite natural to hearken back to the good old days and view them through rose coloured glasses. But she doesn't appear to be interested. For your own sake, you need to make new friends and do new things to stop yourself stewing over what will never be.
Is there something else you're asking, other than that one question?
posted by Solomon at 11:17 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Is there something else you're asking, other than that one question?
posted by Solomon at 11:17 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've been married over ten years and if an ex contacted me out of the blue I would probably be mildly interested in what they were up to. If they seemed pretty much the same as when I left them, emotionally, career-wise, and still single, I would have nothing in common with them. If they have had adventures, learned things and were in a good place and stable place in their life I would probably be thrilled to resume a friendship where my present relationship would be respected.
Let her go. Live your life. Move on.
posted by saucysault at 11:19 AM on January 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Let her go. Live your life. Move on.
posted by saucysault at 11:19 AM on January 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
One of my exes contacted me a few times, years after we'd broken up. At first I thought, "Cool, he's gone on with their life and finally forgiven me for breaking it off; maybe we can be platonic acquaintances and it might be nice to chat over lunch one day and close the book on that," but it didn't take long to realize that no, he wanted to reopen the book. Even though he never came out and said so, it was clear he was still pining, and I didn't want to be pined for.
You're not over her. It's not about what happened between you ten years ago, it's not about her memories, and it's not about what she's done with her life or what you've done with yours. It's that you're still hung up on her, and it's obvious to her, so of course she's uncomfortable.
I'm sorry you're going through this, camdan. But whatever you're trying to get from her--closure, empathy, an explanation, love--she can't give it to you. Let her go. And keep on working on getting to a happy stable place, and look forward, not back. The past is gone and you can't get anything back from it, but there are all sorts of wonderful things and people in your future, as long as you keep an eye out.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:35 AM on January 21, 2012 [18 favorites]
You're not over her. It's not about what happened between you ten years ago, it's not about her memories, and it's not about what she's done with her life or what you've done with yours. It's that you're still hung up on her, and it's obvious to her, so of course she's uncomfortable.
I'm sorry you're going through this, camdan. But whatever you're trying to get from her--closure, empathy, an explanation, love--she can't give it to you. Let her go. And keep on working on getting to a happy stable place, and look forward, not back. The past is gone and you can't get anything back from it, but there are all sorts of wonderful things and people in your future, as long as you keep an eye out.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:35 AM on January 21, 2012 [18 favorites]
It kind of sounds like you are fishing for justification that it's ok to have "long memories" and "want more" out of her email response. I don't think after 10 years it's ok or healthy for you to expect anything. You need to live in the present and move forward with your life.
so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence?
I think "wrong" is a a poor word choice. I would say it is "unhealthy." Other people are faulty vessels for your own well-being. You are letting your own happiness and mood be dependent on the approval of another person. You gotta work that shit out.
I feel like I've gotten off of this desert island and I have so much to share about the last 10 years.
She is not the person to share it with. You need to be totally ok with the idea that she doesn't care what you have been up to for the last 10 years because she is married and living her own life.
I think this is more about you than her and that therapy would help you tease some of this stuff out.
posted by jnnla at 11:39 AM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
so is it wrong that I wanted a more in-depth correspondence?
I think "wrong" is a a poor word choice. I would say it is "unhealthy." Other people are faulty vessels for your own well-being. You are letting your own happiness and mood be dependent on the approval of another person. You gotta work that shit out.
I feel like I've gotten off of this desert island and I have so much to share about the last 10 years.
She is not the person to share it with. You need to be totally ok with the idea that she doesn't care what you have been up to for the last 10 years because she is married and living her own life.
I think this is more about you than her and that therapy would help you tease some of this stuff out.
posted by jnnla at 11:39 AM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Perhaps I'm reading too much into this, but it kinda seems to me like you're looking for some sort of affirmation from her - either affirmation that you didn't get before or affirmation that you've changed. That's understandable, but you're probably not going to be able to get that from her. You can get it from yourself, or from other friends, but not her.
Someone else suggested telling a true friend the things you wanted to tell your ex. I think that's a really good idea. Give it to someone who will treasure it.
posted by lunasol at 11:56 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Someone else suggested telling a true friend the things you wanted to tell your ex. I think that's a really good idea. Give it to someone who will treasure it.
posted by lunasol at 11:56 AM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: yes i think you're all right, i'm essentially a stranger now and it's time to move on. harsh comments a bit, but helpful. i don't think i'm still pining for her, but if she's unwilling to catch up beyond the basic broad-strokes stages i'll just have to accept that. i have rationally, and maybe i have some other attachment issues i had projecting onto her, which isn't healthy. i think if i were in her shoes i'd react exactly the same way.
i think i've gotten some closure from talking with her after so long, and realizing that's just how it is going to be. airing it out with you all has definitely been sobering and i needed that. i think red clover put it best, i'm just going to write a letter and stash it away and forget about it.
posted by camdan at 11:57 AM on January 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
i think i've gotten some closure from talking with her after so long, and realizing that's just how it is going to be. airing it out with you all has definitely been sobering and i needed that. i think red clover put it best, i'm just going to write a letter and stash it away and forget about it.
posted by camdan at 11:57 AM on January 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think it's specifically wrong that you wanted more. You wanted to reconnect with someone in a heartfelt way (aside from the circumstances in which you ceased communication), and I think that's understandable.
But then: you didn't get what you wanted. I am truly not being flip here when I say that, well, that's life, man. The nature of being alive is that all want things (objects, feelings, relationships, security, sensations, whatever) and don't always get them, or we get them and they eventually go away, or we get them and they turn out not to be what we imagined they were. (This is so fundamental to the human condition that Buddhism calls it the First Noble Truth.)
The pain you're feeling at this connection fritzing out is real. You see that she's moved on and you feel like you haven't. That understandably triggers melancholy, or frustration, or self-pity, or a whole host of other emotions. That's fine. You say that you feel you have a lot more to say. That's fine, too; I'd be surprised if this didn't trigger the sense of your having a lot to express.
However: she is not the person to say it to. She's moved on. You've moved on in your own way, too, even if it doesn't feel like you have the obvious things to signify that (marriage, etc.); you've just moved in a different direction. The exact same amount of time has passed for both of you. Write about it, talk about it with friends or a therapist. Say what you have to say, feel what you have to feel, without expecting that she will be your audience. Whatever answers you may be looking for weren't ultimately going to be satisfied by having a conversation with her, but they may be satisfied by having the conversation with yourself (via writing) or someone else.
posted by scody at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2012 [22 favorites]
But then: you didn't get what you wanted. I am truly not being flip here when I say that, well, that's life, man. The nature of being alive is that all want things (objects, feelings, relationships, security, sensations, whatever) and don't always get them, or we get them and they eventually go away, or we get them and they turn out not to be what we imagined they were. (This is so fundamental to the human condition that Buddhism calls it the First Noble Truth.)
The pain you're feeling at this connection fritzing out is real. You see that she's moved on and you feel like you haven't. That understandably triggers melancholy, or frustration, or self-pity, or a whole host of other emotions. That's fine. You say that you feel you have a lot more to say. That's fine, too; I'd be surprised if this didn't trigger the sense of your having a lot to express.
However: she is not the person to say it to. She's moved on. You've moved on in your own way, too, even if it doesn't feel like you have the obvious things to signify that (marriage, etc.); you've just moved in a different direction. The exact same amount of time has passed for both of you. Write about it, talk about it with friends or a therapist. Say what you have to say, feel what you have to feel, without expecting that she will be your audience. Whatever answers you may be looking for weren't ultimately going to be satisfied by having a conversation with her, but they may be satisfied by having the conversation with yourself (via writing) or someone else.
posted by scody at 11:58 AM on January 21, 2012 [22 favorites]
Best answer: You've marked as best answers all the right stuff so it seems like you're someone with a healthy degree of self-awareness and a desire to do the right thing.
I just wanted to add that you're not a bad person for wanting what you want or for having some unfulfilled ten-year-old longings around this person. Your feelings aren't out of the bounds of what's acceptable or healthy.
And you've acted on them in what I think is a pretty appropriate way* -- you've reached out, and her responses have kind of petered off. That's an indication that she's setting a passive boundary -- as is her right. Your disregarding that boundary would be wrong, but you're not doing that. Good for you.
I don't get the sense that you've spent this whole time "living in the past". Right now, talking and thinking about these things, you're kind of in the past because the past is what all this stuff is about. But that's okay too. Maybe your body brought the past up to you for a reason, and you should feel fine about slowly exploring what that reason might be, if you need to.
But no. You're not wrong to have wanted to get back in touch; I don't think you were wrong to get in touch the way you did; and I don't think you're wrong to feel a little bad that you didn't get back this connection. So don't feel bad about yourself. Just ... you know, respect the fact that you didn't get the connection back, and carry on.
* With the caveat that I don't, personally, have a great sense for where the "creepy" line is in terms of searching for someone online.
posted by gauche at 12:11 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to add that you're not a bad person for wanting what you want or for having some unfulfilled ten-year-old longings around this person. Your feelings aren't out of the bounds of what's acceptable or healthy.
And you've acted on them in what I think is a pretty appropriate way* -- you've reached out, and her responses have kind of petered off. That's an indication that she's setting a passive boundary -- as is her right. Your disregarding that boundary would be wrong, but you're not doing that. Good for you.
I don't get the sense that you've spent this whole time "living in the past". Right now, talking and thinking about these things, you're kind of in the past because the past is what all this stuff is about. But that's okay too. Maybe your body brought the past up to you for a reason, and you should feel fine about slowly exploring what that reason might be, if you need to.
But no. You're not wrong to have wanted to get back in touch; I don't think you were wrong to get in touch the way you did; and I don't think you're wrong to feel a little bad that you didn't get back this connection. So don't feel bad about yourself. Just ... you know, respect the fact that you didn't get the connection back, and carry on.
* With the caveat that I don't, personally, have a great sense for where the "creepy" line is in terms of searching for someone online.
posted by gauche at 12:11 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was not a huge fan of the book, but there was a quote from the Unbearable Lightness of Being that always stuck with me. I haven't read the book in about dozen years, so I might butcher it, but I think the point will be clear. The narrator says there are a few different types of people. I think the first one was people who live their lives for themselves. The second I think was people who lives their lives for the people watching it. And finally there are people who live their lives under the eyes of people who are not there.
Your story didn't strike me not so much as pining or unhealthy as people above said. You just struck me as the third type. I think part of you has been going about your life with your ex as living witness to everything you have gone through, which is why it feels natural for you to reconnect with her: She has always been there in a way. I don't think this is wrong; it's just a characteristic. I am that way as well. I find even though I have a healthy, full life, I have a deep connection to people that have left my life. I profoundly miss people I haven't seen for 15 years. I think about them and they are witnesses to my life even if they are not here. I would gladly reconnect with many, but the trick is to just realize other people are not wired the same.
It's also important to realize that the we are all haunted by people in our pasts. Human connection can be indelible. However, there are many people from your life that you don't think about much. They might be out there thinking about you and you wouldn't even know it, and it would strike you as odd if they popped up looking for a meaning full reconnection. It's just the way it is. It is somewhat rare that both people are in a place that reconnecting would be meaningful. If both people are not in that place, it's an awkward thing. It's basically one person resurrecting this zombie relationship. It seems like you are not the same person for your ex that she is to you. And that's ok. It's better to try to reconnect than spending 20 years wondering. I think if you look at things this way it sort of evens the scales.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 12:30 PM on January 21, 2012 [82 favorites]
Your story didn't strike me not so much as pining or unhealthy as people above said. You just struck me as the third type. I think part of you has been going about your life with your ex as living witness to everything you have gone through, which is why it feels natural for you to reconnect with her: She has always been there in a way. I don't think this is wrong; it's just a characteristic. I am that way as well. I find even though I have a healthy, full life, I have a deep connection to people that have left my life. I profoundly miss people I haven't seen for 15 years. I think about them and they are witnesses to my life even if they are not here. I would gladly reconnect with many, but the trick is to just realize other people are not wired the same.
It's also important to realize that the we are all haunted by people in our pasts. Human connection can be indelible. However, there are many people from your life that you don't think about much. They might be out there thinking about you and you wouldn't even know it, and it would strike you as odd if they popped up looking for a meaning full reconnection. It's just the way it is. It is somewhat rare that both people are in a place that reconnecting would be meaningful. If both people are not in that place, it's an awkward thing. It's basically one person resurrecting this zombie relationship. It seems like you are not the same person for your ex that she is to you. And that's ok. It's better to try to reconnect than spending 20 years wondering. I think if you look at things this way it sort of evens the scales.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 12:30 PM on January 21, 2012 [82 favorites]
Response by poster: that was a beyond epic response, cuban link flooded jesus. thank you so much for that.
posted by camdan at 12:48 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by camdan at 12:48 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was talking to a friend about this of the same bent, and her opinion is that people like us (me and my friend, not me and my ex) tend to have long memories, and paint pretty elaborate portraits of the people in our past. whereas those people might not have given us much thought and have transitioned pretty easily, while they're still hanging there in our memories.
This could be it. But if you're accepting this kind of theory, personally I think there are two kinds of people: those who let the past go and move on (or want/try to do so), and those who roll through life accumulating people, things, memories. The latter type likes Facebook, reunions, keepsakes, and Googling their Fourth Grade classmates; the former (of which I am, btw) is uninterested/weirded out/panicked at the thought of all that stuff. It makes total sense to me that your ex wouldn't want more than a short, polite exchange with you after all those years. That's her past. If she'd wanted to keep you in her present, she would have made the effort, but she didn't see how you fit into her new life after you guys broke up. Of course I don't know her or what happened in your relationship, but if this is the case it's entirely possible that it's not about who you are as a person at all, your history or your single status or anything else. It's just that she's moved on.
So, it's not wrong that you wanted that, and if she was the same type of person she probably would've been thrilled to hear from you. But she's not.
(On preview, this is sort of what cuban link flooded jeans is saying, only he or she said it better.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:52 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
This could be it. But if you're accepting this kind of theory, personally I think there are two kinds of people: those who let the past go and move on (or want/try to do so), and those who roll through life accumulating people, things, memories. The latter type likes Facebook, reunions, keepsakes, and Googling their Fourth Grade classmates; the former (of which I am, btw) is uninterested/weirded out/panicked at the thought of all that stuff. It makes total sense to me that your ex wouldn't want more than a short, polite exchange with you after all those years. That's her past. If she'd wanted to keep you in her present, she would have made the effort, but she didn't see how you fit into her new life after you guys broke up. Of course I don't know her or what happened in your relationship, but if this is the case it's entirely possible that it's not about who you are as a person at all, your history or your single status or anything else. It's just that she's moved on.
So, it's not wrong that you wanted that, and if she was the same type of person she probably would've been thrilled to hear from you. But she's not.
(On preview, this is sort of what cuban link flooded jeans is saying, only he or she said it better.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:52 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's really not wrong to feel this way at all, but you do have to contextualize it so that you don't get hurt and you don't hurt her.
You miss her/your life then and you have things to share and she's familiar (but she's also not because you have 10 years separating you). Naturally, we gravitate towards that which is familiar. We also seek newness. In a way, that's why these re-establishments are so potent - they're both familiar and new.
But, your life is in one place and her life is in another. If you didn't have the past, you would have nothing holding you together (because she's married, you're single, and she's not looking).
My best advice would be to write down all the things you want to say to her and then burn it/shred it. Because, no, you don't have a future with her but you do have to get those feelings out there.
posted by mleigh at 1:55 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
You miss her/your life then and you have things to share and she's familiar (but she's also not because you have 10 years separating you). Naturally, we gravitate towards that which is familiar. We also seek newness. In a way, that's why these re-establishments are so potent - they're both familiar and new.
But, your life is in one place and her life is in another. If you didn't have the past, you would have nothing holding you together (because she's married, you're single, and she's not looking).
My best advice would be to write down all the things you want to say to her and then burn it/shred it. Because, no, you don't have a future with her but you do have to get those feelings out there.
posted by mleigh at 1:55 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I appreciate all your comments, especially cuba link flooded jesus, gauche, and scody. I think in the back of my head I thought she'd care about it all, and want to share her story as well, but now that I'm back in touch I know that's clearly not the case. Just to be clear I wasn't looking to rekindle a relationship or interfere with her current life, which some of you seem to be insinuating. I just thought we'd have a lot more to talk about. I was also hoping to keep in touch about where we're going in our lives, but that's obviously not going to happen either. which is fine. she may feel it's totally inappropriate to do so, which I can respect, or she just doesn't care to. the "email from the long past ex" is a terrifying trope, for good reason.
it's rough a bit, but I just wanted to talk about it. and I'll come to terms with it. I think it's partly the "you can never go home" syndrome. I know you can't revisit people from your past and expect them to be there for you, or that they'd be as excited to hear from you as you are from them. especially considering the distance and how much you've changed, and started whole new chapters with new people. and there are many new chapters and new people for me to turn to without having to reread old ones that are no longer in circulation. so really it's ok, and I understand it. I'm glad I made the effort to get back in touch and know the reality of the situation, rather than assuming she's still there bearing witness. clearly she hasn't been, and she won't be.
posted by camdan at 3:01 PM on January 21, 2012
it's rough a bit, but I just wanted to talk about it. and I'll come to terms with it. I think it's partly the "you can never go home" syndrome. I know you can't revisit people from your past and expect them to be there for you, or that they'd be as excited to hear from you as you are from them. especially considering the distance and how much you've changed, and started whole new chapters with new people. and there are many new chapters and new people for me to turn to without having to reread old ones that are no longer in circulation. so really it's ok, and I understand it. I'm glad I made the effort to get back in touch and know the reality of the situation, rather than assuming she's still there bearing witness. clearly she hasn't been, and she won't be.
posted by camdan at 3:01 PM on January 21, 2012
I know the main factor in our different correspondence expectations is that she's married and I'm still single, so here I am sitting around overthinking things while she's busy with her life.
Um, yes. And I think the main thing you need to do in order to get over this is to get more busy with your own life. You have some work to do. Are you dating other people? Avoiding dating other people? Making friends? Progressing in your career? Achieving your dreams for travel, recreational experiences, skill building? What have you been doing all this time? Why's your head stuck somewhere 10 years ago?
I encourage you to invest in today.
posted by Miko at 3:23 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Um, yes. And I think the main thing you need to do in order to get over this is to get more busy with your own life. You have some work to do. Are you dating other people? Avoiding dating other people? Making friends? Progressing in your career? Achieving your dreams for travel, recreational experiences, skill building? What have you been doing all this time? Why's your head stuck somewhere 10 years ago?
I encourage you to invest in today.
posted by Miko at 3:23 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: i think part of it, Miko, i just moved back to my home state to go to grad school, which is where we were both from, and where we originally met. I've been gone for about 11 years, and she lives far, far away from here as well. i have done quite a lot experience and travel-wise, but i had a job i didn't particularly enjoy during most of that period of time, so i felt a bit repressed and not really happy with where i was going.
so i think part of her resurfacing in my mind is being back home. that and i had sort of stalled out on chapter one in my life, now that i'm starting chapter two, admittedly late, and it's a chapter i'm genuinely excited about being on, i wanted to touch base. she's on chapter 3, and in an entirely different book, so there's not a lot to cross referencing (i don't know why i started all the book references, i swear i'm not a librarian).
so i think i'm doing ok progressing in my career and my life, besides still being single, which really i'm ok with. it's not like i haven't dated since her, it's just that nothing has stuck. i hadn't planned on dating at all this first year of my program because it's pretty intense and i knew i wouldn't have the time.
so most of my time is spent studying, or putting off studying by messing around on metafilter, or thinking about people from the past. maybe it's not too healthy, but next year when things have calmed down a bit studying-wise i can restart my personal life.
posted by camdan at 4:04 PM on January 21, 2012
so i think part of her resurfacing in my mind is being back home. that and i had sort of stalled out on chapter one in my life, now that i'm starting chapter two, admittedly late, and it's a chapter i'm genuinely excited about being on, i wanted to touch base. she's on chapter 3, and in an entirely different book, so there's not a lot to cross referencing (i don't know why i started all the book references, i swear i'm not a librarian).
so i think i'm doing ok progressing in my career and my life, besides still being single, which really i'm ok with. it's not like i haven't dated since her, it's just that nothing has stuck. i hadn't planned on dating at all this first year of my program because it's pretty intense and i knew i wouldn't have the time.
so most of my time is spent studying, or putting off studying by messing around on metafilter, or thinking about people from the past. maybe it's not too healthy, but next year when things have calmed down a bit studying-wise i can restart my personal life.
posted by camdan at 4:04 PM on January 21, 2012
Even when a relationship ends like, totally cool on everyone's part, 9 times out of ten continuing conversation is really awkward. It's not your fault that it's this way, and there's nothing you can do. Move on. Meet new people.
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:11 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:11 PM on January 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Well, it sounds like you're missing that kind of connection - even with friends, which is why you might be envisioning sharing all your experiences and thoughts with someone you can unburden yourself to in friendship and know you'll be understood. Intense programs are what they are, but you will have a need for people to lighten the load and be yourself with, so I hope you don't delay your personal life for another year. See if you can find times and ways to connect with others and make new friendships even as you get acclimated.
posted by Miko at 4:19 PM on January 21, 2012
posted by Miko at 4:19 PM on January 21, 2012
Best answer: The Unbearable Lightness of Being Quote:
"We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.
The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public...The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes...Then there is the third category, the category of who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love...And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present." (pp. 269-270.)
cuban link flooded jesus's categories are a little different, but just as good IMO. Maybe better.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:15 PM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
"We all need someone to look at us. We can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.
The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public...The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes...Then there is the third category, the category of who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love...And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present." (pp. 269-270.)
cuban link flooded jesus's categories are a little different, but just as good IMO. Maybe better.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:15 PM on January 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Airing nerdy laundry, thank you so much for that quote. I have been meaning to stop by a bookstore and search for that passage for damn near a decade. I gave the book away almost immediately after reading it. I couldn't tell you even vaguely what the book is about, but that quote, or at least that last category has stuck with me for my entire adult life. I obviously corrupted it over the years. It's nice to read it now as an adult.
I actually came back into this thread to mention one last thing about how we are all haunted. I think when it comes down to it, the scales are practically even. It's an interesting phenomenon. We can forget pain, sunsets and pretty much everything else except pure human connection. You can remember that moment at 5 years old with the girl down the block as vividly as yesterday. I clearly remember these two incredibly brief conversations with a classmate in high school. I don't even remember her name, but I remember those moments perfectly. It's so strange. But what's interesting is that who actually haunts us is not a constant. I remember I had a falling out with a friend around 23. We were very close but we needed to stop being friends for a variety of reasons. I didn't think about her much for a few years after we parted ways. Then she contacted me. We had a rather unpleasant conversation and that was that. I obviously wasn't ready to reconnect. I didn't think about her much for a while, but then fast forward 5 years and I now think about her all the damn time and miss her dearly. Her facebook doesn't accept friend requests and her old email is dead. I am not about to call her 9 years after the fact. I have to accept the window to reconnect has passed. She is frozen in amber. So it goes. What's my point? I am trying to say don't spend the rest of your life thinking that your ex doesn't care or doesn't think about you. We never know what we mean to each other.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 9:33 PM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I actually came back into this thread to mention one last thing about how we are all haunted. I think when it comes down to it, the scales are practically even. It's an interesting phenomenon. We can forget pain, sunsets and pretty much everything else except pure human connection. You can remember that moment at 5 years old with the girl down the block as vividly as yesterday. I clearly remember these two incredibly brief conversations with a classmate in high school. I don't even remember her name, but I remember those moments perfectly. It's so strange. But what's interesting is that who actually haunts us is not a constant. I remember I had a falling out with a friend around 23. We were very close but we needed to stop being friends for a variety of reasons. I didn't think about her much for a few years after we parted ways. Then she contacted me. We had a rather unpleasant conversation and that was that. I obviously wasn't ready to reconnect. I didn't think about her much for a while, but then fast forward 5 years and I now think about her all the damn time and miss her dearly. Her facebook doesn't accept friend requests and her old email is dead. I am not about to call her 9 years after the fact. I have to accept the window to reconnect has passed. She is frozen in amber. So it goes. What's my point? I am trying to say don't spend the rest of your life thinking that your ex doesn't care or doesn't think about you. We never know what we mean to each other.
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 9:33 PM on January 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: i think you're right about that, cuban link flooded jesus, and i thank you for your insight. if my ex had tried contacting me any time in the last 9 years i would have ignored her. now that i'm past that she's no longer there, and that is fine. i'm happy to have gotten a few catch-up emails, and i know it's time to move on. i'm sorry that you've been deprived even of that.
posted by camdan at 11:26 PM on January 21, 2012
posted by camdan at 11:26 PM on January 21, 2012
Best answer: I wanted to give you a bit of a story here, because I recently was on the other side of a similar situation (though I actually initiated contact, but we'll get to that in a moment).
A couple of months ago, an old friend that I still see regularly told me that my ex from high school/college (this was 8-10 years ago) had contacted him on Facebook and mentioned something that was a clear allusion to our break-up, which was quite messy and painful. Though I didn't think of her very much anymore, I'd occasionally idly wonder what she was up to, and, for some reason, it bothered me a hell of a lot that she would feel the need to apologize for what happened between us after all these years. So, awkward though it seemed, I looked her up and sent her an email telling her about what my friend had said letting her know that I am long since past having anything against her.
I was glad I did it, and when she replied she seemed glad, too. We exchanged a couple more "this is what I'm up to" type emails - and I did try to be engaged in them - which was perfectly OK with me.
Then she asked if I wanted to get together. I didn't want to. She's single, I'm in a relationship (albeit a very new one), but even if I were single I wouldn't really want to hang out with her. I was happy to catch up a little, but I don't want to be her friend, I certainly have no interest in "reconnecting," and I kind of got the impression that that's what she wanted. That I don't want it isn't anything personal, it's just that she...belongs to the past. I said my piece to her, which was the right thing to do, and that was that. I just didn't think there was anything more to say, and I didn't feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I don't feel any need to tell her the story of my life for these past 8 years, either. I'm not really sure what she was going for, and, honestly, I don't care to know.
Anyway, I don't think it's wrong that you wanted more from your ex, but you need to accept that she might not want it, that that's OK, and that it's not a reflection on you, personally. I have no problem with my ex, I didn't mind catching up with her a little, and I wouldn't even say she means nothing to me - I just have my life now, and I don't see her as a part of it, at all. You seem aware of the need to just file this away and move on, so keep doing that. If writing your thoughts will help, by all means, write them out. But then put them away and do something else.
posted by breakin' the law at 10:10 AM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
A couple of months ago, an old friend that I still see regularly told me that my ex from high school/college (this was 8-10 years ago) had contacted him on Facebook and mentioned something that was a clear allusion to our break-up, which was quite messy and painful. Though I didn't think of her very much anymore, I'd occasionally idly wonder what she was up to, and, for some reason, it bothered me a hell of a lot that she would feel the need to apologize for what happened between us after all these years. So, awkward though it seemed, I looked her up and sent her an email telling her about what my friend had said letting her know that I am long since past having anything against her.
I was glad I did it, and when she replied she seemed glad, too. We exchanged a couple more "this is what I'm up to" type emails - and I did try to be engaged in them - which was perfectly OK with me.
Then she asked if I wanted to get together. I didn't want to. She's single, I'm in a relationship (albeit a very new one), but even if I were single I wouldn't really want to hang out with her. I was happy to catch up a little, but I don't want to be her friend, I certainly have no interest in "reconnecting," and I kind of got the impression that that's what she wanted. That I don't want it isn't anything personal, it's just that she...belongs to the past. I said my piece to her, which was the right thing to do, and that was that. I just didn't think there was anything more to say, and I didn't feel like taking a trip down memory lane. I don't feel any need to tell her the story of my life for these past 8 years, either. I'm not really sure what she was going for, and, honestly, I don't care to know.
Anyway, I don't think it's wrong that you wanted more from your ex, but you need to accept that she might not want it, that that's OK, and that it's not a reflection on you, personally. I have no problem with my ex, I didn't mind catching up with her a little, and I wouldn't even say she means nothing to me - I just have my life now, and I don't see her as a part of it, at all. You seem aware of the need to just file this away and move on, so keep doing that. If writing your thoughts will help, by all means, write them out. But then put them away and do something else.
posted by breakin' the law at 10:10 AM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh my god, move ON with your life. Think of all the possible relationships and good times you missed out on whilst pining for your ex who is not interested in you at all anymore. What a waste! No one else is going to want to be with you while you're still carrying a torch for your married ex-girlfriend. Seriously, just forget she ever existed and go have some fun.
posted by Jess the Mess at 10:24 AM on January 23, 2012
posted by Jess the Mess at 10:24 AM on January 23, 2012
Response by poster: yes, i feel your advice is the most pragmatic, jess the mess. i am feeling a bit foolish about it now, and wondering why it affected me so...i think it was the excitement of talking to her again, quickly to be dashed by the disappointment that she didn't have much to say, and didn't want to hear much (as i stand at the internet platform, jumping and waving frantically at an empty inbox. "wait! don't go! i have so much more to say!"). it did make me frustrated and confused. i know i need to focus on making an effort with the people in my life now, lest i mourn their absence in 10 years.
posted by camdan at 4:09 PM on January 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by camdan at 4:09 PM on January 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
By the way, she wasn't too busy with work to write back.
DROP IT.
posted by caclwmr4 at 11:10 AM on January 21, 2012 [24 favorites]