How do I deal with abuse my girlfriend is going through?
January 20, 2012 10:47 AM Subscribe
Girl I am dating just admitted to me that her family was abusive and her older brother is still abusive towards her.
posted by anonymous to human relations (29 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
We met through Plenty of Fish. She's a creationist Catholic and I'm a former Catholic turned atheist and I believe in evolution. She also asked me to be part of a foxtrot dance routine for ballroom dance and I explained my concerns mixing dating and another commited activity together. We've taken two classes for the dance recital routine, so I'm not heavily invested in it. I made sureI was entering the dance routine for my own reasons, like wanting to have the dance steps hammered down into me.
She's been over twice to my house now with just cuddling. I'm alright with a slow pace, but I feel that I'm not getting any response as to when she's comfortable with sex. I'm not comfortable waiting on some mystery timeline as to when she falls in love with me. She made a joke that previous boyfriends have asked her if she loves them enough. I've mentioned that sex is about trust, not love. I'll talk to her about my concerns though.
But anyways, during the second makeout session, she admitted her brother was a jerk and that he hits her. And her dad and mom have both physically and emotionally abused her. I told her it wasn't right what they did to her and that she needs to move out of her brother's house. I told her that I don't show much affection towardsmy dad because of the verbal temper tantrums he threw and it's alright to not want to have family in one's life
when they've been abusive parents. But I was curious and I started to probe as to whether she felt corporal punishment was alright. She dodged and said she doesn't want children. This didn't answer the question.
When she left my house, she made a joke saying that her brother was going to call her a whore based off her hair appearance. I responded that even if we did have sex, her brother has no right to slut shame her. She rolled her eyes at that and I didn't get that.
On our second date after a ballroom practice dance, she asked if taking a woman's self defence courses would be a good idea. I didn't know about the abuse happening at the time and I said no, because weight matters in fighting and the women's self defence courses would likely not make one confident as a fighter. I had took tae kwon do
and I don't think tae kwon do made me anymore confident as a fighter.
I don't know what to do. I think she was reaching out to someone to talk to. She avoided talking about corporal punishment. I don't want to be with someone that believes in corporal punishment though and I feel that our values are too divergent to form a long term relationship. Do I tell her that we need to remain friends for the time being because our values differ too much in the long term?
PS. I'm going anonymous because she's admitted to Googling my online nickname to get a better attempt at who I am.