Keeping it on the d/l..for the time being
January 19, 2012 2:01 PM
I'm super private about my dating life. I'm also about to throw out my one dating rule about not dating within the circle (of friends). I rather keep things to ourselves for awhile and not announce to everyone we're seeing each other. How do I have this conversation with my date?
I generally don't discuss this mostly because I hate gossip and it's nobody's business really. A guy isn't introduced until we've been together awhile and we're sure we want to be in a serious relationship together. At that point, he's an important someone and I want everyone to meet him. Also, it prevents the awkwardness of him being friends with my friends after a breakup.
Prime example: My friend talked a guy and introduced him. There was PDA, pictures on Facebook, he even friended a bunch of us. Weeks later things changed and she ended it. He was hurt; there was backlash. She deleted/untagged everything and begged us to unfriend him. There was conjecture and criticism among those who didn't know the full story. What a mess!
I've seen bad splits among friends or outright alienation after breakups. A month ago I took a chance and went out with someone in a relatively new group. Our date was on the same night as a party we were invited to. Everyone saw, everyone knew and I felt really uncomfortable whenever he'd kiss me in front of them. Extra awkward, there's a picture on Facebook. It lasted a week and half and everything was ok!
So I'm inclined to try again when someone else from the same group asked me out. If people ask we're not going to lie. I just don't want overt displays that says hey we're together. I explained all this to the first guy but it came out as I'm afraid of blowback from the group if things go bad between us. True but not tactful at all. How can I frame things in a more positive manner? And when? I figure we should enjoy our first date and bring it up if a second one occurs.
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
TLDR: I don't want to show the world I'm really into a guy unless I'm sure we're going to be together for awhile. It gets difficult if we're hanging out with mutual friends all the time.
I generally don't discuss this mostly because I hate gossip and it's nobody's business really. A guy isn't introduced until we've been together awhile and we're sure we want to be in a serious relationship together. At that point, he's an important someone and I want everyone to meet him. Also, it prevents the awkwardness of him being friends with my friends after a breakup.
Prime example: My friend talked a guy and introduced him. There was PDA, pictures on Facebook, he even friended a bunch of us. Weeks later things changed and she ended it. He was hurt; there was backlash. She deleted/untagged everything and begged us to unfriend him. There was conjecture and criticism among those who didn't know the full story. What a mess!
I've seen bad splits among friends or outright alienation after breakups. A month ago I took a chance and went out with someone in a relatively new group. Our date was on the same night as a party we were invited to. Everyone saw, everyone knew and I felt really uncomfortable whenever he'd kiss me in front of them. Extra awkward, there's a picture on Facebook. It lasted a week and half and everything was ok!
So I'm inclined to try again when someone else from the same group asked me out. If people ask we're not going to lie. I just don't want overt displays that says hey we're together. I explained all this to the first guy but it came out as I'm afraid of blowback from the group if things go bad between us. True but not tactful at all. How can I frame things in a more positive manner? And when? I figure we should enjoy our first date and bring it up if a second one occurs.
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
TLDR: I don't want to show the world I'm really into a guy unless I'm sure we're going to be together for awhile. It gets difficult if we're hanging out with mutual friends all the time.
It sounds a little like you are afraid of blowback from the group. At the same time, it sounds like you have what you feel are good reasons for that. So tell him what you're telling us; when you're hanging out, you say something like:
"hey, remember when Stephanie dated that Todd guy for a while, and then they broke up and it turned into a total shitshow because she wanted everybody to unfriend him on facebook and there were all of these weird feelings going around? That really kind of bothered me. My friends are really important to me, and -- while I'm into you -- I'd like to avoid having my social circle turn into a shitshow in the event that this -- us -- doesn't have long-term potential. Can we talk about this?"
And then you see what he has to say.
posted by gauche at 2:28 PM on January 19, 2012
"hey, remember when Stephanie dated that Todd guy for a while, and then they broke up and it turned into a total shitshow because she wanted everybody to unfriend him on facebook and there were all of these weird feelings going around? That really kind of bothered me. My friends are really important to me, and -- while I'm into you -- I'd like to avoid having my social circle turn into a shitshow in the event that this -- us -- doesn't have long-term potential. Can we talk about this?"
And then you see what he has to say.
posted by gauche at 2:28 PM on January 19, 2012
Having been on both sides of this situation, I'd just caution you that while you keep it private and you not announce it, you also not make it a secret, or go to lengths to hide it. That will bring it's own mountain of problems down upon you.
Don't actively hide it, and don't expect that you will get to decide when people find out - something will probably be noticed sooner than you might like, and accept that gracefully - accept that you got your private time, and don't try to plug leaks or hide anything or ask people to keep secrets, let things run naturally.
Any hint of secrecy is gasoline to the fire you're trying to avoid, and can also be toxic to various relationships in unexpected ways, potentially including the one you're trying to start.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:40 PM on January 19, 2012
Don't actively hide it, and don't expect that you will get to decide when people find out - something will probably be noticed sooner than you might like, and accept that gracefully - accept that you got your private time, and don't try to plug leaks or hide anything or ask people to keep secrets, let things run naturally.
Any hint of secrecy is gasoline to the fire you're trying to avoid, and can also be toxic to various relationships in unexpected ways, potentially including the one you're trying to start.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:40 PM on January 19, 2012
How can I frame things in a more positive manner?
"You know how all our friends are gossipy.... Let's keep this on the down low for a little while, ok?" I had an arrangement like this with someone, and it worked out fine.
It's going to be tricky if you plan on both going to relatively small gatherings of mutual friends, though.
posted by deanc at 2:51 PM on January 19, 2012
"You know how all our friends are gossipy.... Let's keep this on the down low for a little while, ok?" I had an arrangement like this with someone, and it worked out fine.
It's going to be tricky if you plan on both going to relatively small gatherings of mutual friends, though.
posted by deanc at 2:51 PM on January 19, 2012
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
If you believe dates are a competition, (or you think he does, or you think he should), and should be highly original creative creations, like a sculpture made for you, then yeah, say something. If it's an unusual and expensive choice, that likewise suggests an attempt at using the venue as a distinguishing feature. But I think many (most?) people view the location as something to facilitate a date, rather than being the purpose of the date. He would probably be pleased if he discovered that you had never conceived of going there before him, but in absence of reasons to think otherwise, I doubt he'd change the venue because someone else planned to take you there but didn't.
If you do bring it up in the context of "in case you'd like to reconsider", I think it risks suggesting to him that YOU think this is a problem, and this may fluster him and make him feel like he needs to up the ante or outcompete.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:55 PM on January 19, 2012
If you believe dates are a competition, (or you think he does, or you think he should), and should be highly original creative creations, like a sculpture made for you, then yeah, say something. If it's an unusual and expensive choice, that likewise suggests an attempt at using the venue as a distinguishing feature. But I think many (most?) people view the location as something to facilitate a date, rather than being the purpose of the date. He would probably be pleased if he discovered that you had never conceived of going there before him, but in absence of reasons to think otherwise, I doubt he'd change the venue because someone else planned to take you there but didn't.
If you do bring it up in the context of "in case you'd like to reconsider", I think it risks suggesting to him that YOU think this is a problem, and this may fluster him and make him feel like he needs to up the ante or outcompete.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:55 PM on January 19, 2012
I think you should stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks. What is wrong with pics of casual dates on social websites? People go on dates, its perfectly normal! If you are worried about pics of illegal or highly embarrassing situations (like being naked passed out in a hammock with nasty words written in magic marker on your face) or embarrassing people maybe you should re-think what you are doing on these dates or who you are going on them with. Life is always somewhat awkward, your threshold for it is a bit off though.
posted by meepmeow at 3:33 PM on January 19, 2012
posted by meepmeow at 3:33 PM on January 19, 2012
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
Why would you even mention this to him? Why would you even care? Let it go, it doesn't matter ... and let him think he's the first one to suggest this place for a date with you.
posted by jayder at 4:56 PM on January 19, 2012
Why would you even mention this to him? Why would you even care? Let it go, it doesn't matter ... and let him think he's the first one to suggest this place for a date with you.
posted by jayder at 4:56 PM on January 19, 2012
Are you me? I've generally had these concerns in my past relationships, but I've recently learned the value of shrugging them off.
deanc's answer would be a good way to bring it up, but seriously, don't actively hide your relationship. I know that you want to keep external drama from interfering with the progression of your relationship, but the unintended consequence of this is that your new guy may feel like you're either pushing him away, are embarrassed by him, or not fully invested in the relationship. It also sends an awkward message to your friends -- they'll know that something's going on between you two, but they'll wonder why it is that you're cagey about it.
It's completely understandable to want your friends to butt out of the more intimate details, so if they're the kind of people for whom nothing's sacred, you've gotta let them know where your boundaries lie. For instance, I'm pretty firm with my friends and the person I'm seeing about not discussing my sex life, even if the details seem innocuous.
This is a somewhat difficult question to think about while in a new relationship, but what happens if you two are serious, you introduce him to your friends, but you eventually break up? He'll be friends with your friends by then -- in what ways could that affect your social life? The truth is that regardless of what you do, you're not going to have complete control over how your relationship fits into your life.
I'm not sure if this is part of your issue, but are you also concerned about how having had a relationship end at all reflects on you? If you feel like your friends are judging you based on your dating activity (or lack thereof), then that's an issue you want to address. Perhaps you're judging yourself.
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
Why is this even an issue? If you still have uncomfortable feelings about its association to the first guy, that's one thing, but if not, it's best left alone. I get that you might be trying to avoid having a deja vu relationship, but this is a new person you're dealing with, so it's only fair to treat it as a completely new relationship.
posted by thisjax at 5:15 PM on January 19, 2012
deanc's answer would be a good way to bring it up, but seriously, don't actively hide your relationship. I know that you want to keep external drama from interfering with the progression of your relationship, but the unintended consequence of this is that your new guy may feel like you're either pushing him away, are embarrassed by him, or not fully invested in the relationship. It also sends an awkward message to your friends -- they'll know that something's going on between you two, but they'll wonder why it is that you're cagey about it.
It's completely understandable to want your friends to butt out of the more intimate details, so if they're the kind of people for whom nothing's sacred, you've gotta let them know where your boundaries lie. For instance, I'm pretty firm with my friends and the person I'm seeing about not discussing my sex life, even if the details seem innocuous.
This is a somewhat difficult question to think about while in a new relationship, but what happens if you two are serious, you introduce him to your friends, but you eventually break up? He'll be friends with your friends by then -- in what ways could that affect your social life? The truth is that regardless of what you do, you're not going to have complete control over how your relationship fits into your life.
I'm not sure if this is part of your issue, but are you also concerned about how having had a relationship end at all reflects on you? If you feel like your friends are judging you based on your dating activity (or lack thereof), then that's an issue you want to address. Perhaps you're judging yourself.
Bonus question. He wants to bring me to the same place the first guy had planned to take me to on a future date that never happened. Should I tell him and let him decide if he wants to change his game plan?
Why is this even an issue? If you still have uncomfortable feelings about its association to the first guy, that's one thing, but if not, it's best left alone. I get that you might be trying to avoid having a deja vu relationship, but this is a new person you're dealing with, so it's only fair to treat it as a completely new relationship.
posted by thisjax at 5:15 PM on January 19, 2012
You know, if someone said to me that they wanted to keep the relationship quiet for these reasons, I would assume there was someone else you were involved with that you didn't want to find out. (The exceptions for this are if there are children involved, or a pending divorce, or something otherwise genuinely sensitive.)
Even if the guy is less suspicious than me, it signals an unwillingness to be vulnerable, which is kind of a barrier to long-term intimacy. Relationships are inherently risky, and one of the risks we all take is not just that the other person could hurt you, but that it could be embarrassing socially. But trying to hedge against the drama by keeping it a secret until you're sure (and what is the definition of "sure" in this situation?) is not the way to go.
posted by elizeh at 6:23 PM on January 19, 2012
Even if the guy is less suspicious than me, it signals an unwillingness to be vulnerable, which is kind of a barrier to long-term intimacy. Relationships are inherently risky, and one of the risks we all take is not just that the other person could hurt you, but that it could be embarrassing socially. But trying to hedge against the drama by keeping it a secret until you're sure (and what is the definition of "sure" in this situation?) is not the way to go.
posted by elizeh at 6:23 PM on January 19, 2012
I'm much the same as you, in a small, well-connected group of people who often like to talk. A lot. I stay away from gossip. Other people can do what they like, but I don't participate and I don't feed it.
The simple answer is what others have said and the track you seem to be on: don't actively hide it and don't get up in everyone's face about it. This is really easy when you're dating outside the group because you have the most control over the flow of information. It gets trickier when you dating inside the group because both of you have the ability to make it super-duper public. If you're at all worried about that happening, it could be too late if you want until after the first date.
So just make a little mention of how gossip sucks and you'd rather the talk not get out of hand just yet. In fact, you can treat that concern like you want to treat the dating info: don't cover it up; don't make a big deal out of it. Anyone who finds that suspicious is likely not a good fit for you.
posted by cardioid at 9:56 PM on January 19, 2012
The simple answer is what others have said and the track you seem to be on: don't actively hide it and don't get up in everyone's face about it. This is really easy when you're dating outside the group because you have the most control over the flow of information. It gets trickier when you dating inside the group because both of you have the ability to make it super-duper public. If you're at all worried about that happening, it could be too late if you want until after the first date.
So just make a little mention of how gossip sucks and you'd rather the talk not get out of hand just yet. In fact, you can treat that concern like you want to treat the dating info: don't cover it up; don't make a big deal out of it. Anyone who finds that suspicious is likely not a good fit for you.
posted by cardioid at 9:56 PM on January 19, 2012
I dated a guy in my group of friends who told me he wanted to keep it quiet due to our having mutual friends, wanting privacy, etc. I agreed, thinking it seemed reasonable.
But. It made me increasingly anxious and uncomfortable, and ultimately snowballed into trust issues. Privacy and discretion are one thing, but hiding someone is not a nice or respectful way to start out a relationship. Your friends may also be offended and/or feel deceived. It's really not a big deal to go on a few dates.
Also: you don't need to kiss in front of your friends after just a date or two.
posted by baltimoregirl at 11:19 PM on January 19, 2012
But. It made me increasingly anxious and uncomfortable, and ultimately snowballed into trust issues. Privacy and discretion are one thing, but hiding someone is not a nice or respectful way to start out a relationship. Your friends may also be offended and/or feel deceived. It's really not a big deal to go on a few dates.
Also: you don't need to kiss in front of your friends after just a date or two.
posted by baltimoregirl at 11:19 PM on January 19, 2012
Seconding baltimoregirl. I had a girlfriend once who wanted to keep it on the down low around friends and it just made me anxious and feel disrespected or not good enough or something. It also made me feel really weirded out around the friends we were hiding it from and consequently impacted on at least one of those relationships in a negative way. I wouldn't ask someone to do this, however you word it. Go in optimistic.
posted by springbound at 4:40 AM on January 20, 2012
posted by springbound at 4:40 AM on January 20, 2012
You may be feeling some tension about reconciling what you determined not to do (date within the circle), and what you've decided you actually want to do (date this one guy in the circle), and probably dislike the idea that you are abandoning a carefully constructed resolution, and are worried about letting things escape your control (people gossiping). So this seems like a way to juggle the situation to keep these various elements all in motion yet still under your control. But. People who gossip will gossip no matter what. They're gossiping about you right now. If they know who you're dating, they'll gossip about that. If they don't know who you're dating, they'll gossip about why you are so secretive. You can't win that one.
Yet you can always win how you handle your own affairs. You can always act with calm dignity and a graceful (or firm, when required) refusal to engage those who want to plunder your private life for their own entertainment, and you can always select to minimize drama related to your own life. But imposing a cone of silence on your date about a perfectly innocent thing that you have each freely chosen to do is acceding control to the gossip league, which is, I suspect, the very opposite of what you really want. Requiring your date to be mum about things is capitulation before battle, essentially, but also potentially damaging to the budding relationship, depending on the fellow.
I personally would feel extremely deflated if I were asked to be secretive about seeing someone... almost certainly enough to change my mind about the whole thing – and not because it would be something that I would even discuss casually anyway.
If you really do feel that this is the best way for you, though, I'd say to approach it this way: "Look, I'm a little overprotective of my private life and really don't want to deal with a lot of discussion and gossip from our friends at this early point when I'm just happy to be seeing you and see where things go. I don't like the idea of a potential something between us being the object of scrutiny and conjecture because it just makes me feel sort of nervous and self-conscious, and I would feel a lot more comfortable if we were sort of discreet for now. How do you feel about that?"
posted by taz at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2012
Yet you can always win how you handle your own affairs. You can always act with calm dignity and a graceful (or firm, when required) refusal to engage those who want to plunder your private life for their own entertainment, and you can always select to minimize drama related to your own life. But imposing a cone of silence on your date about a perfectly innocent thing that you have each freely chosen to do is acceding control to the gossip league, which is, I suspect, the very opposite of what you really want. Requiring your date to be mum about things is capitulation before battle, essentially, but also potentially damaging to the budding relationship, depending on the fellow.
I personally would feel extremely deflated if I were asked to be secretive about seeing someone... almost certainly enough to change my mind about the whole thing – and not because it would be something that I would even discuss casually anyway.
If you really do feel that this is the best way for you, though, I'd say to approach it this way: "Look, I'm a little overprotective of my private life and really don't want to deal with a lot of discussion and gossip from our friends at this early point when I'm just happy to be seeing you and see where things go. I don't like the idea of a potential something between us being the object of scrutiny and conjecture because it just makes me feel sort of nervous and self-conscious, and I would feel a lot more comfortable if we were sort of discreet for now. How do you feel about that?"
posted by taz at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2012
A month ago I took a chance and went out with someone in a relatively new group. Our date was on the same night as a party we were invited to. Everyone saw, everyone knew and I felt really uncomfortable whenever he'd kiss me in front of them.
You went on a first date to a group party? That sounds like a middle school mistake. Of course it was awkward! Don't do that with the new guy.
posted by jacalata at 1:09 PM on January 20, 2012
You went on a first date to a group party? That sounds like a middle school mistake. Of course it was awkward! Don't do that with the new guy.
posted by jacalata at 1:09 PM on January 20, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sestaaak at 2:26 PM on January 19, 2012