I really really like him. But should I tell him?
January 11, 2012 7:42 PM Subscribe
I have a crush on my brother's roommate. I was going to tell him this, but...
posted by dean_deen to Human Relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
...there are some complications that have made me hesitate. Please help me sort out my feelings!
This person has been living with my brother for the past four years. He moved into my brother's apartment shortly after I moved to another state for college. I've gotten to know him during my return visits, and I really, really like this guy. He's very warm, friendly, and funny. His amiable nature swept me off my feet, made me feel important, and in my heart of hearts, led me to maybe maybe maybe think that there was a chance he's interested. But I've always been careful to counter the giddy feelings he inspires by reasoning that he's just naturally friendly. He's also six years older than I, so it's possible that he feels enough of an age difference that he wouldn't want to date me.
Previously, I never even allowed myself to consider the possibility of telling him, since he is my brother's and occasionally my roommate. But a male acquaintance of mine has recently been sending mixed signals, and even though I personally wouldn't date him I've thought about what an ego-boost it would be if it turned out that he did like me (I have low self-esteem issues, and I have never dated because I am so shy). That led me to think that maybe I should let my crush know I like him, just to give him an ego-boost (although unlike my self-esteem, his is intact and healthy--but not in an arrogant way) while emphasizing that I'm only doing it to let him know what a great person he is, and not because I think there's a chance for us.
But I recently graduated college, and depending on how my job search turns out, I may be living with my bro and his roommate on a more permanent basis. So one problem that initially made me hesitate when considering whether to tell him was the awkwardness of revealing my feelings to someone whom I may have to see every day in the near future.
Something else that is making me hesitate is recent developments. My new resolve to tell him stemmed from my New Years' resolution to address my fears/do that which I've always thought I couldn't. In a brilliant stroke of bad timing, he recently met someone whom he really likes, although his feelings are unrequited for reasons I won't go into for the sake of privacy. I was crestfallen when I found this out, and it's completely shattered my preconceived notion that I could be unselfishly happy for him once he does start dating someone again. For some reason, the idea of telling him now is completely and utterly mortifying, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I suppose it may be because, before he met this girl, in spite of all my dogged rationalizing that he was just being nice, I still allowed myself the teensiest, tiniest hope that maybe all his friendly gestures were signs that he was in to me, and my motivation for telling him to make him feel good was all just a ruse created by the rational side of me to cover up the hopefulness stirred up by my emotional side. But right now, I'm wondering if this embarrassment is some manifestation of the fear that I'm trying to address. I've thought about this and thought about this until I'm not sure whether my emotions are valid, considering the circumstances. Is my embarrassment at the thought of telling him warranted? Or am I letting fear dictate my actions in some way that I don't consciously realize? Would there be any benefit at all in confessing my feelings? Throughout the entire week I've been considering this, my gut inclination was that I shouldn't do it. If I were to confess, it seems like the best time to do so would be when either he or I move out (though the former would probably be the best situation), so that we could avoid any repercussions of awkwardness from living together. But I don't know. I need someone with more insight/dating/unrequited crush experience to give me some advice on this.
Furthermore, how should I go about getting over my crush? Obviously, the best answer would be to move somewhere else, but in the meantime, until that can happen, how should I go about un-crushing? I've tried staying in my room to avoid him but it makes me sad if I miss opportunities to talk to him. We're close enough to the point that I may offend him if I stopped conversing with him or acted distantly toward him. I feel as if this crush is ruining the concept of home for me, because I now associate it with him, and I can't draw the same sense of comfort from home as I could if he were absent. I realize that I have to just enjoy being home because it's home, but it's hard when one of the things I look forward to most when the pleasure I get from my visits are largely dependent on how much I interact with him. Do you have any advice for me, MeFites?