My Best Friend's Pregnancy.
January 11, 2012 6:02 PM   Subscribe

How can I support my friend both during and after her pregnancy when we don't live in the same country?

My Best Friend is currently 26 weeks pregnant (YAY!) and we're all very excited about the baby coming. However the pregnancy has not been particularly easy so I would like to help make life a bit easier/nicer for her leading up to the birth and also afterwards. The complication being that she lives in the UK and I live in France. Also, for the next few months I will be traveling in the US so I won't see her again until 10 days before her due date. I plan to stay with her for a few weeks after the birth before returning home.

Now the thing is, I don't know babies, or people with babies. In fact I'm pretty clueless when it comes to all things baby. The "not knowing people with babies" part is true for her too - she is the first in our group of friends to have a baby so she lacks the support network that (I assume) would come from having peers with children.

So my question is in 3 parts:

1. What things can I do (from a distance) to help support my friend and take some of the stress away during the last few months of her pregnancy?

2. What are some useful/helpful/nice things that I can do for her during the weeks that I am back for the birth?

3. What things can I do in the first year following the birth (both from home and when visiting her) to help make life a bit easier?

TL;DR: I'm looking for ideas on how to support my friend both during and after her pregnancy when I'm not physically able to be there for the majority of the time. With one small condition: it can't cost too much money. Any ideas?
posted by rubyrudy to Human Relations (8 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It might be neat to go to Baby Center and read what's going on with the baby starting now. They have a week by week description. It would be fun to say, "cool, the baby can hear much better now."

Useful stuff when you are there would be as much housework as possible and let her hang with the baby as much as possible. Don't expect her to want to go out and do much and be prepared for crying and lots of hormonal stuff.
posted by dawkins_7 at 6:17 PM on January 11, 2012


Burp cloths should be fairly cheap and you can never ever have too many of them.

One of the nicest things someone did for us when Stomper Jr. was born unexpectedly early was getting a cleaning lady to come to our house and do a one-time, hour-and-a-half-long emergency housecleaning before the baby came home.

When you're staying there, be prepared to do some cooking. Also, just calling every few days to see how she's doing would probably mean a lot to her.
posted by daisystomper at 7:01 PM on January 11, 2012


Best answer: 2. What are some useful/helpful/nice things that I can do for her during the weeks that I am back for the birth?

Basically, everything that is not taking care of the baby. Laundry. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Cooking. Errand running. (Errands that do not seem urgent to you will in fact be urgent - everything from a thermometer to socks... 19 pairs of socks so you can find a pair that will STAY ON.) Doing all of this as closely as possible to the way she would do it if she could is what my sister wanted. Me, I don't give a shit as long as I don't have to do it! Your friend can tell you which way she rolls.

3. What things can I do in the first year following the birth (both from home and when visiting her) to help make life a bit easier?

I was in the same position as you with my sister when she had my niece - different countries, and I was only there for the birth and a few weeks after. The only things I was able to do while there that have actually proven useful through the first year while I'm not there were the following:

1) Setup a pro Flickr account, and physically set it up for her on her iphone (you have a flickr email address that will post photos emailed from your phone) and her email.

2) Setup a Diapers.com account - I can't remember what the UK equivalent is but she'll know.

3) Setup online grocery delivery for her. In the US it's Fresh Direct, in the UK it will be Tesco or

(Just to be clear, I did not pay for 2 and 3, but actually getting it setup meant she used it and it's very useful to her.) I also did all of the data entry for her birth announcements, and took dictation to send out emails while she sat and fed the baby. All of this was helpful.

1. What things can I do (from a distance) to help support my friend and take some of the stress away during the last few months of her pregnancy?

I rang regularly so my sister could unload. I sent her links based on our conversations I thought would be useful. I sent her labour and delivery books I thought matched her birthing ethos. I made her a list called The Mother of All Lists with a bunch of stuff I thought she might not know about as a first-time mum. The links are all US but the concept is the same with pretty much all first-world babies; you may be able to make her something similar.

Be cheerful, ignore how tired you all are and have fun!
posted by DarlingBri at 7:07 PM on January 11, 2012 [5 favorites]


As a non-parent, you are perfectly set up to be the person who has NO ADVICE. I'm not a parent myself either, but I understand that new parents are often besieged with (sometimes contradictory) advice and implied demands and expectations. This can be very stressful at a time when everything is new. If you can do practical things for your friend (as suggested above), and listen and empathise with her concerns and struggles without giving advice, I reckon that is the way to go.
posted by Cheese Monster at 10:50 PM on January 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


Somewhat related to Cheese Monster's suggestion: when my dear friend was pregnant (and now that she's home with an infant all day) she'll call to chat and I'm pretty sure she just wants to hear an adult's voice and talk about grown-up things. Sure, I love her baby and am delighted to hear about what he's up to, but I usually let her take the lead on that. If she'd rather talk about a silly TV show we both like to watch, or a book she recommends (or hates...or recommends I read so we can talk about how much she hates it) that's fine with me too.
It was pretty easy for her to meet other moms with babies the same age -- of their birthing class, 3 or 4 babies were born (all early!) the same day. And she's got a new mom group she goes to pretty regularly. What I provide is that I remember her before she was a mom or a wife, before she even met her husband. I'm still just as happy to talk to her the way we did back in college, without insisting that her every waking moment be focused on The Baby. Because, quite frankly, babies under a certain age can be pretty boring, and they're universally terrible conversationalists.
posted by katemonster at 12:06 AM on January 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


I imagine some of our friends were in a similar position when we had our son last year. It's not clear from your post, so this will only apply if your friend is not originally from the UK, but it was incredibly comforting to my wife to receive toys, clothes, and other things that she associated with her own childhood in her home country, that we wouldn't have been able to get where we were living. A bib with a familiar character, things like that. Baby care books from home were also welcomed.

1. What things can I do (from a distance) to help support my friend and take some of the stress away during the last few months of her pregnancy?

Somebody brought us a whole ton of diapers, which we burned through quickly. That was a very nice gift, though we didn't realize it until we started using them. This is something you can order online, and this saved us at least a couple of late night trips to the shop, which is wonderful during the first few weeks.

Other things: a gift card to a favourite shop or cafe or something, or for a massage. My wife appreciated doing things that were normal in the past few weeks.

At the same time, she wanted to have everything just right for the baby to come. Onesies in the right size and sufficient quantity. Burp cloths. Changing mats. A functional diaper bag. There are lists of things you need to have ready for the birth online, so you can use one of those to pick out some items. But ya, diapers, never can get enough. Another thing which was wonderful for us was a diaper bin for disposing of used diapers while sealing away the smell. There are lots of types, but this lets you put off dealing with the mess and smell for a little while, and they don't tend to be that expensive. I wanted to kiss the person that gave us theirs.

Cute outfits are nice, but you always end up with too many, and some can be hard to put on. A few always go unused, so if you're going to buy clothes, buy the functional ones that come in packs of three.

2. What are some useful/helpful/nice things that I can do for her during the weeks that I am back for the birth?

Listen. Resist the temptation to provide too much advice. In my wife's case, there was always too much conflicting information flying around her. Use this cream but not that one. Breastfeed and don't use formula. Hold the baby this way instead of that way for a better latch. Each one would feel almost like a life-and-death decision that couldn't be screwed up. The last thing she wanted from me or from anyone was yet another suggestion from somebody who had not had to raise this particular baby. The best thing you can do is to listen, reassure, and try to find ways to get her to feel good about her choices. My wife hated being pushed to do things, but some around her would let her know when they thought it was time for her to try leaving the house for the first time or to just let the baby cry. Of course, there are mothers who don't experience this at all, so YMMV.

3. What things can I do in the first year following the birth (both from home and when visiting her) to help make life a bit easier?

Continue listening. Talk on the phone. Talk on Skype. Let her show her baby off to you. When you visit, don't get frustrated by the fact that it'll take you 30 minutes for her to get ready to go out with her when before it took 5, if you even make it out the door. Take her places that are accessible to strollers and which won't feel weird with a crying baby in them.

Respect the nap schedule that she works out with her baby.
posted by mariokrat at 2:29 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can't speak to the 'after' portion, but what is really helpful is to just continue being there to talk to her as a friend about non-pregnancy stuff (you can also make a few short inquiries about how stocking the nursery is going, etc in case she wants to vent about the nightmare that is choosing a stroller). From my experience, there's a decent amount of online forums, prenatal yoga classes, etc where you can get exposure to other pregnant ladies (sidenote: you could possibly help her research new mom's groups in the area; I know I felt better when I found one I can attend after I have the kid), but you're in the a weird gray area where you don't feel quite like your old self but haven't hit the mommy stage yet either. So, it's helpful to just know your old peeps are still there for you (whether that means sending emails or a small care package with some tea or a postcard).
posted by ejaned8 at 6:41 AM on January 12, 2012


Best answer: A friend sent me a de-stressing package during the last few months of my pregnancy, which meant a lot to me. Nothing fancy -- she included things like homemade cookies and bubble bath -- but it was really sweet of her to think of me and do something just for me when everyone else kept asking about the baby and my older child.

A favorite pre-baby gift I've given is a fully stocked diaper bag, with diapers, wipes, diaper cream, changing pad, burp cloths, change of clothes, hat, bib, pacifier, toy... However, you would have to get someone knowledgeable about babies to help you with that, since what first-time moms really like about it is that it contains everything they could possibly need without requiring that they assemble it all themselves.

Making something for the baby would also be nice, so she could keep it and when the baby is older, tell him/her, "Aunt So-and-So made this for you when you were just a baby!" If you're not crafty, I love the no-sew fleece blanket we got from a friend -- we use it all the time and it's super-easy to make.

While you're there visiting, in addition to what everyone else has said, offer frequently to fetch things for her -- ask if she's hungry, needs a glass of water, the TV remote, etc. The first few weeks especially, it can feel like you're constantly nursing and are stuck under the baby and can't move, and all you want is that thing that's just out of reach. Also, nursing makes you ravenous and thirsty.

It sounds like you're already a supportive friend and are excited about the new baby, so I'm sure she'll love whatever you do!
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:15 AM on January 12, 2012


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