Not So Casual Encounters
January 10, 2012 11:45 PM Subscribe
I made a mess of my FWB situation. How can I fix it? Should I even try?
Some background:
I dated a guy for two whole years who was almost completely disinterested in me sexually. As in, we had sex maybe 12 times in two years, he would get frequent obvious boners and just decline to use them on me, and when I would try to initiate things he would either ignore me or laugh at me. Sometimes both! I found out after we broke up that he'd been propositioning ladies on the internet (via Craigslist and OkCupid) basically the entire time we'd been dating. He never admitted to meeting any of them but that was probably bullshit. So long story short: he was totally horny, just not for me. That experience left me with a super inferiority complex when it comes to sex and my seduction skills. In the year+ since that guy and I broke up, I've been 'sowing my wild oats.' I'm much more confident in my abilities but the inferiority complex, particularly when it comes to initiating things, still remains. No relationship I had in that period lasted longer than six weeks.
My current issue:
I travel for work and often find myself in strange cities for open-ended periods of time. On one of these work trips, I found myself bored in my hotel room and posted an ad on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist looking for someone to 'hang out' with (more ladies do this than you'd think). We hit it off immediately, one night turned into two and then a week and then he was like, "you can crash here" and now we've basically been living and sleeping together for over two months. I done caught feelings. I haven't said anything to him about how I feel beyond one, very awkward conversation wherein I just basically gave him a ton of compliments (I think you're amazing, you're really hot, you're so considerate, you're so nice!) and he was like, "uh thanks." I do not know if he feels the same way and I don't intend to press the issue as he is incredibly stressed about a whole host of shit and I'm rolling out of here at the end of this week anyway.
I have not slept with the same person exclusively for this long a period of time in over a year and I have not felt this way about someone in longer than that. The combination of the two along with my inferiority complex means that when I proposition him with something like, "Wanna make out?" and he says something perfectly reasonable like, "I'm too tired to have sex," and then does a perfectly reasonable thing like take an hour and try again, my reaction is self-loathing, tears, and a shame spiral (not in front of him, I'm not that crazy.) When I try to not make it a big deal I make it into the biggest deal. When I try to pretend every-thing's cool I fail miserably. I become paralyzed. I can't go somewhere to be by myself because he'll know I'm upset (I've convinced myself that any display of negative emotion on my part will stress him out. This actually appears to be true.) I can't start crying here because I can never cry in front of him, he shouldn't have to deal with that. I can't read the news because I can't think about anything else. I can't fall asleep because if he looks alert enough I want to say sorry or say something or try again. I can't try again because if he says sure in my stupid head it'll be because he feels bad, because he pities my crazy ass, and I am definitely not emotionally equipped to accept pity sex. So instead, this most recent time, I decided to just curl into a ball in bed, periodically weeping, and didn't get up for four hours while he went about his business. Best plan. Things are now very, very awkward. He seems distant and frustrated by my shenanigans. I want to say I'm sorry and I want to explain but I don't want to draw him into a stupid TMI conversation about heavy shit that he shouldn't have to deal with (this was supposed to be casual sex).
I feel like I'm no longer emotionally equipped to deal with a nice reasonable guy with a healthy sex drive (such as this guy). When two people are sleeping together one should be able to say they're not in the mood without the other one losing it. I feel like I don't know how to touch people and I suck in bed and my seduction techniques are laughable and ridiculous. I feel like a basket case.
So my questions are: what the hell do I do about the awkwardness? Do I explain? Do I shut the hell up and just fake a good mood until I leave? It's been an amazing two months here and he's awesome and we get along incredibly well. This is the worst note to leave it off at. AND bonus question: how do I deal with the inferiority complex? I didn't really fathom it's depth or scope until now. I feel like I'm broken and that this is just what my relationships are going to be like from now on. Say no, I start crying. So charming. I do not have health insurance and I travel frequently so I'm not really sure what options, if any, I have therapy-wise.
Sorry for the length. Thanks for your advice.
Some background:
I dated a guy for two whole years who was almost completely disinterested in me sexually. As in, we had sex maybe 12 times in two years, he would get frequent obvious boners and just decline to use them on me, and when I would try to initiate things he would either ignore me or laugh at me. Sometimes both! I found out after we broke up that he'd been propositioning ladies on the internet (via Craigslist and OkCupid) basically the entire time we'd been dating. He never admitted to meeting any of them but that was probably bullshit. So long story short: he was totally horny, just not for me. That experience left me with a super inferiority complex when it comes to sex and my seduction skills. In the year+ since that guy and I broke up, I've been 'sowing my wild oats.' I'm much more confident in my abilities but the inferiority complex, particularly when it comes to initiating things, still remains. No relationship I had in that period lasted longer than six weeks.
My current issue:
I travel for work and often find myself in strange cities for open-ended periods of time. On one of these work trips, I found myself bored in my hotel room and posted an ad on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist looking for someone to 'hang out' with (more ladies do this than you'd think). We hit it off immediately, one night turned into two and then a week and then he was like, "you can crash here" and now we've basically been living and sleeping together for over two months. I done caught feelings. I haven't said anything to him about how I feel beyond one, very awkward conversation wherein I just basically gave him a ton of compliments (I think you're amazing, you're really hot, you're so considerate, you're so nice!) and he was like, "uh thanks." I do not know if he feels the same way and I don't intend to press the issue as he is incredibly stressed about a whole host of shit and I'm rolling out of here at the end of this week anyway.
I have not slept with the same person exclusively for this long a period of time in over a year and I have not felt this way about someone in longer than that. The combination of the two along with my inferiority complex means that when I proposition him with something like, "Wanna make out?" and he says something perfectly reasonable like, "I'm too tired to have sex," and then does a perfectly reasonable thing like take an hour and try again, my reaction is self-loathing, tears, and a shame spiral (not in front of him, I'm not that crazy.) When I try to not make it a big deal I make it into the biggest deal. When I try to pretend every-thing's cool I fail miserably. I become paralyzed. I can't go somewhere to be by myself because he'll know I'm upset (I've convinced myself that any display of negative emotion on my part will stress him out. This actually appears to be true.) I can't start crying here because I can never cry in front of him, he shouldn't have to deal with that. I can't read the news because I can't think about anything else. I can't fall asleep because if he looks alert enough I want to say sorry or say something or try again. I can't try again because if he says sure in my stupid head it'll be because he feels bad, because he pities my crazy ass, and I am definitely not emotionally equipped to accept pity sex. So instead, this most recent time, I decided to just curl into a ball in bed, periodically weeping, and didn't get up for four hours while he went about his business. Best plan. Things are now very, very awkward. He seems distant and frustrated by my shenanigans. I want to say I'm sorry and I want to explain but I don't want to draw him into a stupid TMI conversation about heavy shit that he shouldn't have to deal with (this was supposed to be casual sex).
I feel like I'm no longer emotionally equipped to deal with a nice reasonable guy with a healthy sex drive (such as this guy). When two people are sleeping together one should be able to say they're not in the mood without the other one losing it. I feel like I don't know how to touch people and I suck in bed and my seduction techniques are laughable and ridiculous. I feel like a basket case.
So my questions are: what the hell do I do about the awkwardness? Do I explain? Do I shut the hell up and just fake a good mood until I leave? It's been an amazing two months here and he's awesome and we get along incredibly well. This is the worst note to leave it off at. AND bonus question: how do I deal with the inferiority complex? I didn't really fathom it's depth or scope until now. I feel like I'm broken and that this is just what my relationships are going to be like from now on. Say no, I start crying. So charming. I do not have health insurance and I travel frequently so I'm not really sure what options, if any, I have therapy-wise.
Sorry for the length. Thanks for your advice.
A stressed-out guy you met via a Craigslist casual encounter who responds to your compliments with "uh, thanks" does not strike me as the right person to unburden yourself with, and although you now have two months of history where there could be a lot more depth to your relationship than I'm hearing, it sounds like you're already leaning toward keeping this stuff to yourself.
So with respect to your immediate situation, I'd agree that putting on a strong face might be best. I mean, if he's not making an issue of it, don't contribute any further to the memory of it, and it almost certainly won't be what he thinks of after you're gone.
The bigger picture is that the wild oats sowing / casual encounter deal seems likely to be an effort not to care about the relationship you're in--a way to be distant, assume things will not get deep, and never require much trust--so as not to get hurt again. But that hasn't worked out, because it looks like you do want a caring relationship and a person you could explain these issues to.
Maybe that's this guy--maybe two weeks from now you're on the phone saying all sorts of heartfelt things to one another that you've kept to yourselves. But honestly, I doubt it. If you want a caring relationship where you can just say the things you wish you could say now, you need to look for very stable, not so stressed guys who return your positive feelings clearly and with whom you'd feel comfortable sharing the truth. You deserve that. Everyone does, because it's a basic matter of mutual respect between people who care about each other.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 12:29 AM on January 11, 2012 [8 favorites]
So with respect to your immediate situation, I'd agree that putting on a strong face might be best. I mean, if he's not making an issue of it, don't contribute any further to the memory of it, and it almost certainly won't be what he thinks of after you're gone.
The bigger picture is that the wild oats sowing / casual encounter deal seems likely to be an effort not to care about the relationship you're in--a way to be distant, assume things will not get deep, and never require much trust--so as not to get hurt again. But that hasn't worked out, because it looks like you do want a caring relationship and a person you could explain these issues to.
Maybe that's this guy--maybe two weeks from now you're on the phone saying all sorts of heartfelt things to one another that you've kept to yourselves. But honestly, I doubt it. If you want a caring relationship where you can just say the things you wish you could say now, you need to look for very stable, not so stressed guys who return your positive feelings clearly and with whom you'd feel comfortable sharing the truth. You deserve that. Everyone does, because it's a basic matter of mutual respect between people who care about each other.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 12:29 AM on January 11, 2012 [8 favorites]
You are having human feelings. You are human. This is normal.
What's turning this normal unhappiness into acute distress seems to be the requirement that you not let on in any way that you are having feelings. This is a recipe for crazy.
What if you go into the bathroom, blow your nose, and wash your face. Then go out, sit down next to him, and say something like this: "You've probably noticed I'm having a tough time tonight. I'm feeling insecure and a little crazy and just kind of like a wreck right now. It's my stuff, it's not really about you. Could we just go to bed and snuggle and start all over tomorrow?"
posted by ottereroticist at 12:41 AM on January 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
What's turning this normal unhappiness into acute distress seems to be the requirement that you not let on in any way that you are having feelings. This is a recipe for crazy.
What if you go into the bathroom, blow your nose, and wash your face. Then go out, sit down next to him, and say something like this: "You've probably noticed I'm having a tough time tonight. I'm feeling insecure and a little crazy and just kind of like a wreck right now. It's my stuff, it's not really about you. Could we just go to bed and snuggle and start all over tomorrow?"
posted by ottereroticist at 12:41 AM on January 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
I don't recommend getting into any relationships before you've processed your relationship with your ex, with or without a therapist (preferably with). And I don't recommend having anymore casual encounters with strangers on Craigslist. You're distracting yourself from your feelings and seeking validation and intimacy from emotionally unavailable men, and it is just going to leave you feeling more broken and out of touch with yourself. The compulsion to share TMI? The feeling of worthlessness that makes you interpret sex with you as pity sex? Curling up in a ball and weeping for hours? These are all signs that you're projecting your feelings on and wrapping your self-worth up in a guy you barely know.
You were in a two year relationship with a man who left you questioning and doubting your seduction skills... Which is tied to your identity as an attractive sexual woman and the esteem you hold for yourself as a human being worthy of love in a trusting and honest relationship. I think you need to talk this out with someone you won't feel guilty or crazy sharing with, who can help you see how your reaction to your FWB is connected to your past relationships, not just the one you had with your ex. I hear therapists are good for this. Self-professed shame spirals and inferiority complexes don't grow out of no where overnight, and it's going to take time, patience, and a lot of self care and self love to heal.
It's difficult because you don't have insurance and you travel for work. It sounds like an ideal environment to become even more disconnected with your feelings... I recommend replacing casual hook ups with meet ups centered around activities that you're really interested in or are interested in being interested in, calling your bff or any trusted family member or friend and really making an effort to be honest with them about what you're really feeling and going through.
posted by conflictedheart at 1:11 AM on January 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
You were in a two year relationship with a man who left you questioning and doubting your seduction skills... Which is tied to your identity as an attractive sexual woman and the esteem you hold for yourself as a human being worthy of love in a trusting and honest relationship. I think you need to talk this out with someone you won't feel guilty or crazy sharing with, who can help you see how your reaction to your FWB is connected to your past relationships, not just the one you had with your ex. I hear therapists are good for this. Self-professed shame spirals and inferiority complexes don't grow out of no where overnight, and it's going to take time, patience, and a lot of self care and self love to heal.
It's difficult because you don't have insurance and you travel for work. It sounds like an ideal environment to become even more disconnected with your feelings... I recommend replacing casual hook ups with meet ups centered around activities that you're really interested in or are interested in being interested in, calling your bff or any trusted family member or friend and really making an effort to be honest with them about what you're really feeling and going through.
posted by conflictedheart at 1:11 AM on January 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
If you initiate sex with your Craigslist FWB and he turns you down, don't wait an hour and try again. The ball is in his court now, you have to wait for him to initiate. And if he doesn't initiate within a reasonable amount of time, well, you've got a crappy FWB, or you've got a Friend without Benefits. Deal with it or move on.
But this "wait an hour and try again"? Bad idea. You come across as an impatient child.
And while this may not apply to your situation at all, finding a FWB on Craigslist is not exactly a perfect set-up to you being treated respectfully or valued by a guy. Even if he takes you up on your offer of companionship, the way you went about offering it (Craigslist) may sully you in his eyes and lead him to always regard you with less than the highest regard.
It doesn't seem like a good way to work through your damaged self-esteem, to plunge into a cesspool like Craigslist.
posted by jayder at 3:36 AM on January 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
But this "wait an hour and try again"? Bad idea. You come across as an impatient child.
And while this may not apply to your situation at all, finding a FWB on Craigslist is not exactly a perfect set-up to you being treated respectfully or valued by a guy. Even if he takes you up on your offer of companionship, the way you went about offering it (Craigslist) may sully you in his eyes and lead him to always regard you with less than the highest regard.
It doesn't seem like a good way to work through your damaged self-esteem, to plunge into a cesspool like Craigslist.
posted by jayder at 3:36 AM on January 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
Honestly, from what you wrote, you have feelings for him and he does NOT have feelings for you. Look at is as a FWB fling -- you had some fun, time to move on. If you try to unload your emotional crap or make things more serious, it's going to end up with heartbreak. Suck it up for the next week and have some last bit of great sex while you can.
Also, your ex sounds like a total jerk (LAUGHING at you when you want to hook up? WTF!!!). I would just start going into a mental state where you tell yourself that he was wrong, what he did was wrong, and you are not the effect of his wrong actions. This helped a lot when I was recovering from emotional abuse (yes, that's what he did to you) from my "ex of all exes," and it really helped. What helped even more was finding a guy you really cares about me who also loves to have sex with me. If you aren't feeling that from a guy you're with, don't get tied up in the feelings you have for him -- it's just not going to work.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:28 AM on January 11, 2012
Also, your ex sounds like a total jerk (LAUGHING at you when you want to hook up? WTF!!!). I would just start going into a mental state where you tell yourself that he was wrong, what he did was wrong, and you are not the effect of his wrong actions. This helped a lot when I was recovering from emotional abuse (yes, that's what he did to you) from my "ex of all exes," and it really helped. What helped even more was finding a guy you really cares about me who also loves to have sex with me. If you aren't feeling that from a guy you're with, don't get tied up in the feelings you have for him -- it's just not going to work.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:28 AM on January 11, 2012
You can get therapy without health insurance. Many therapists will offer a lower rate for cash payments, or a sliding scale based on your income.
posted by freshwater at 6:06 AM on January 11, 2012
posted by freshwater at 6:06 AM on January 11, 2012
this was supposed to be casual sex
Oh if ever it was...
Nthing ottereroticist. Permit yourself to feel what you feel. Mop up the mess you made with this stranger quickly and without too much detail -- an brief apology for manners, a polite phrase that frames what's going on like "you stumbled into an old insecurity, it's not your fault but I need to unwind from it emotionally" -- but don't feel meta-bad about having feelings in the first place; what you did just now is on par with maybe "bad table manners" or "unfortunate gas" or something. You didn't steal his wallet and throw him into a dumpster. You just had some of those nasty uncontrolled emotions involving the past surface and failed to see them coming or deal with them usefully. Which happens to everyone. During casual sex. Regularly. Because everyone has a past and by the time you think you're cool with randomly grabbing people to fuck from the internet, you definitely have a past.
I'm broken and that this is just what my relationships are going to be like from now on
No. This is going to be an ingredient in your past that you will have present in future relationships. It's not the sole defining element. Your mission is to understand your past and relate to it in a healthy enough way that you can avoid spraying new people with shrapnel every time they get close to you and open the box of emotions you're carrying. You don't have to pretend the delicate parts aren't there, and you should try not to be consumed with fear that you'll become a one-dimensional troll with a single behavioral repertoire. That has a way of becoming self-fulfilling. Chin up and think about the new repertoires you have gained since then, and all the ones you'll gain in the future. Life is about growth.
You might want to make clear to future partners you get more than a few steps into emotionally that you have a bit of an old spring-loaded insecurity trap on this topic. That is ok. You're definitely not the only one. The time to discuss it, though, is not when you're stuck in the middle of a panic reaction to it. It's already sprung and, as you say, you will interpret any conciliatory move on his part as a pity fuck and you'll feel worse. Once you're in the heat of strong feelings like this, the best you can do is tidy yourself up, apologize for loss of control and nothing beyond that, and try to put time-and-space padding around the event.
posted by ead at 6:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
Oh if ever it was...
Nthing ottereroticist. Permit yourself to feel what you feel. Mop up the mess you made with this stranger quickly and without too much detail -- an brief apology for manners, a polite phrase that frames what's going on like "you stumbled into an old insecurity, it's not your fault but I need to unwind from it emotionally" -- but don't feel meta-bad about having feelings in the first place; what you did just now is on par with maybe "bad table manners" or "unfortunate gas" or something. You didn't steal his wallet and throw him into a dumpster. You just had some of those nasty uncontrolled emotions involving the past surface and failed to see them coming or deal with them usefully. Which happens to everyone. During casual sex. Regularly. Because everyone has a past and by the time you think you're cool with randomly grabbing people to fuck from the internet, you definitely have a past.
I'm broken and that this is just what my relationships are going to be like from now on
No. This is going to be an ingredient in your past that you will have present in future relationships. It's not the sole defining element. Your mission is to understand your past and relate to it in a healthy enough way that you can avoid spraying new people with shrapnel every time they get close to you and open the box of emotions you're carrying. You don't have to pretend the delicate parts aren't there, and you should try not to be consumed with fear that you'll become a one-dimensional troll with a single behavioral repertoire. That has a way of becoming self-fulfilling. Chin up and think about the new repertoires you have gained since then, and all the ones you'll gain in the future. Life is about growth.
You might want to make clear to future partners you get more than a few steps into emotionally that you have a bit of an old spring-loaded insecurity trap on this topic. That is ok. You're definitely not the only one. The time to discuss it, though, is not when you're stuck in the middle of a panic reaction to it. It's already sprung and, as you say, you will interpret any conciliatory move on his part as a pity fuck and you'll feel worse. Once you're in the heat of strong feelings like this, the best you can do is tidy yourself up, apologize for loss of control and nothing beyond that, and try to put time-and-space padding around the event.
posted by ead at 6:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
Why are you doing this to yourself? You aren't in a position to handle a casual relationship at all, because even the slightest hint of rejection rockets you back to the place of insecurity. And guess what? Casual relationships are full of rejection - that's why they're casual, not serious. The subtext of their every moment is rejection - rejection of the idea of an ongoing, deepening, and visible relationship. If you have hopes for any other kind of experience with a person, a casual relationship with them will always be unsatisfying, and if you add to that the fear of rejection, you have poison, because rejection of those hopes is the most likely scenario in a casual relationship. I have a feeling even if you started over with a different guy, this would be very likely to happen again. And if you keep on with this guy, don't be surprised if you end up creating more drama despite yourself as you get caught in the need-and-refusal spiral.
I agree the best thing to do is step back, take a deep breath, and go see a therapist. You aren't done dealing with the past relationship - and even more important, whatever it was that set you up to stay for two years in a bad relationship in which you weren't getting your needs met at all. IN other words, it wasn't that relationship that caused your insecurity and willingness to settle for so little. You went into it with some of that already, and it's going to take some work to shake off whatever created that drive.
The suggestion to go to meetups and find activities in your travel cities that are about you - things you enjoy, people you might enjoy pants-on socializing with - is an excellent one. It seems you could use to spend some time with yourself, building your own sense of personal confidence and wholeness outside of a relationship (of whatever kind).
It can be really easy to use casual sex like a band-aid for bigger problems, and to convince yourself that it's a genius solution. The fact that you "caught feelings" for someone who doesn't seem that interested in you is a huge red flag that you're in a repeating pattern of trying to gain approval from people who are distant, unavailable. Please go look at that pattern with the support of a professional who specializes in human relationships and can help you get all of this in context and give you the feeling that you're back in control of your emotional life.
posted by Miko at 6:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [22 favorites]
I agree the best thing to do is step back, take a deep breath, and go see a therapist. You aren't done dealing with the past relationship - and even more important, whatever it was that set you up to stay for two years in a bad relationship in which you weren't getting your needs met at all. IN other words, it wasn't that relationship that caused your insecurity and willingness to settle for so little. You went into it with some of that already, and it's going to take some work to shake off whatever created that drive.
The suggestion to go to meetups and find activities in your travel cities that are about you - things you enjoy, people you might enjoy pants-on socializing with - is an excellent one. It seems you could use to spend some time with yourself, building your own sense of personal confidence and wholeness outside of a relationship (of whatever kind).
It can be really easy to use casual sex like a band-aid for bigger problems, and to convince yourself that it's a genius solution. The fact that you "caught feelings" for someone who doesn't seem that interested in you is a huge red flag that you're in a repeating pattern of trying to gain approval from people who are distant, unavailable. Please go look at that pattern with the support of a professional who specializes in human relationships and can help you get all of this in context and give you the feeling that you're back in control of your emotional life.
posted by Miko at 6:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [22 favorites]
Oh, as for your therapy question: even though the sort of standard idea of a therapy schedule is 45-60 minutes once a week, in reality there are many ways to arrange it. You can have biweekly meetings, or do some appointments by phone or even Skype these days. A therapist will work with you to figure out what kind of schedule will work. As for cost, even a lot of people with insurance don't get much help with therapy, so look for someone with a sliding scale according to income, and pay as you go. You can discuss all this at an initial meeting before you sign up for a series of appointments.
posted by Miko at 7:33 AM on January 11, 2012
posted by Miko at 7:33 AM on January 11, 2012
If you're practically living with him at this point, your relationship is no longer a casual FWB thing. Here are your options:
You don't tell him what's going on, you go a little bit crazy, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it badly, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it okayish and agrees to work with you on forging a real relationship, but it doesn't really work, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it will, and the two of you work together on forging a real relationship and it works, and you end up together.
Most of those scenarios end up with the two of you broken up. But only one of them also ends with you being crazy. So tell him. And then go from there. Either he supports you or he doesn't, but a FWB situation isn't worth making yourself crazy over.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:32 AM on January 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
You don't tell him what's going on, you go a little bit crazy, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it badly, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it okayish and agrees to work with you on forging a real relationship, but it doesn't really work, and the two of you end up broken up.
You do tell him what's going on, he takes it will, and the two of you work together on forging a real relationship and it works, and you end up together.
Most of those scenarios end up with the two of you broken up. But only one of them also ends with you being crazy. So tell him. And then go from there. Either he supports you or he doesn't, but a FWB situation isn't worth making yourself crazy over.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:32 AM on January 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
There are already lots of good answers in here pertaining to the emotional aspects of your question, so I won't address that, but I would suggest checking back into that hotel room to get some space from this guy for the next week. No need to live in an apartment where you feel like your legitimate feelings are burdensome. Go back to the hotel and spend some time alone.
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 9:38 AM on January 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 9:38 AM on January 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
Sounds like you aren't having sex because you love sex, but for validation. That is a bad reason to have sex. If you are alone at a hotel and have low self-esteem instead of searching for validation and love with what you like to pretend is meaningful sex why not set up a Skype date with a good girlfriend or, even better, a close 'friendish' family member or cousin. Talk with someone for a few hours who loves you in a non-sexual way. If you are particularly extroverted go to a bar that suits your personality and make some friends who don't want to have sex either.
As far as sex goes--if you so desire--work with a therapist. With the next boy who comes along talk to him earnestly and perhaps only have sex with him if it means something to both of you. Let him know your issues in brief. But the truth is (and something I think is undermentioned on this forum) is that a strong intelligent friend and confidant can be just as effective as a therapist for purposes of lower severity cases (like this one).
posted by jjmoney at 9:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
As far as sex goes--if you so desire--work with a therapist. With the next boy who comes along talk to him earnestly and perhaps only have sex with him if it means something to both of you. Let him know your issues in brief. But the truth is (and something I think is undermentioned on this forum) is that a strong intelligent friend and confidant can be just as effective as a therapist for purposes of lower severity cases (like this one).
posted by jjmoney at 9:46 AM on January 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
You curled up in a ball and cried for fours hours while he ignored you? Oh, honey. This guy is no better than the one who emotionally abused you. And anyway....
WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??
Go stay at a hotel! Now! Take ALL of your belongings with you. Do it!!
I can't tell you how much better you will feel once you get yourself someplace safe.
You won't be thinking straight until you get out of there.
Come back to this thread after a good night's sleep in a safe bed.
GO.
posted by jbenben at 3:11 PM on January 11, 2012
WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE??
Go stay at a hotel! Now! Take ALL of your belongings with you. Do it!!
I can't tell you how much better you will feel once you get yourself someplace safe.
You won't be thinking straight until you get out of there.
Come back to this thread after a good night's sleep in a safe bed.
GO.
posted by jbenben at 3:11 PM on January 11, 2012
I don't think he's abusive for not knowing what to do with a curled up weeping woman who until that moment he was having a fun fling with. But I agree you should get out of there. Even if you just leave a nice note saying "this was great and you are great but I realize I have some processing to do on my own stuff."
I also have to say you are selling yourself very short on the sexiness cred. I don't think I know many women who'd be personally and sexually confident enough to create the experience you did with a stranger. After two happy months you got overwhelmed and had a crying jag? It's not ideal, but it doesn't negate the whole experience. Which, by the way, doesn't sound casual to me at all, even if it started that way.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:29 PM on January 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also have to say you are selling yourself very short on the sexiness cred. I don't think I know many women who'd be personally and sexually confident enough to create the experience you did with a stranger. After two happy months you got overwhelmed and had a crying jag? It's not ideal, but it doesn't negate the whole experience. Which, by the way, doesn't sound casual to me at all, even if it started that way.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:29 PM on January 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
You've been living together for two months, but you can't get emotional in what is now your own home because you're just FWB?
Wouldn't you have patience, within reason, with a friend who got tearful? And how can anyone think it's possible to live intimately with someone but never be real with them?
I get that you don't want to unfairly vomit all over this guy, but you're so ashamed of yourself. As if the moment he finds out who you are and what you think and feel he'll be disgusted.
I don't know how much he is being obtuse versus how much you're just too scared to communicate.
But I also don't know what the fuck is wrong with modern dating culture that you can *actually move in with a guy* and live together as what used to be called "husband and wife" however euphemistically... and feel like you have less right to have and express feelings than you would with a friend, even some acquaintances at times, or indeed a bunch of disembodied strangers on the Internet?
The situation itself is unsurprisingly putting more pressure on you than you can contain. Also, the pressure of trying to prove yourself sexy enough for... who, exactly? The extremely abnormal guy you previously lived with for two years? The guy who was so abnormal that he was only able to be attracted to women he hadn't had sex with? What was he doing to prove himself to you? I get that you know what an abnormal man he was, and that the dysfunction was his, but I don't think you understand what part it plays in why you're distressed.
I think you can only go so long being desperate to prove your worth to dysfunctional people and/or in dysfunctional situations before the stress of putting forth enormous effort for little reward just overwhelms you.
Yeah therapy, but I think you could do worse than ask for an acknowledged real relationship with your FWD [1] since, as pointed out, you have nothing to lose whereas continuing like this guarantees the loss of your sanity.
[1] I'm calling it Friends With Detriments from now on and I'll stop when we get a rash of questions like, "Why is my FWB situation so fabulous?" and "why are my FWB and I so happy? we just don't give a shit about each other and it's great!" then I'll revert to standard terminology.
posted by tel3path at 5:24 PM on January 11, 2012 [7 favorites]
Wouldn't you have patience, within reason, with a friend who got tearful? And how can anyone think it's possible to live intimately with someone but never be real with them?
I get that you don't want to unfairly vomit all over this guy, but you're so ashamed of yourself. As if the moment he finds out who you are and what you think and feel he'll be disgusted.
I don't know how much he is being obtuse versus how much you're just too scared to communicate.
But I also don't know what the fuck is wrong with modern dating culture that you can *actually move in with a guy* and live together as what used to be called "husband and wife" however euphemistically... and feel like you have less right to have and express feelings than you would with a friend, even some acquaintances at times, or indeed a bunch of disembodied strangers on the Internet?
The situation itself is unsurprisingly putting more pressure on you than you can contain. Also, the pressure of trying to prove yourself sexy enough for... who, exactly? The extremely abnormal guy you previously lived with for two years? The guy who was so abnormal that he was only able to be attracted to women he hadn't had sex with? What was he doing to prove himself to you? I get that you know what an abnormal man he was, and that the dysfunction was his, but I don't think you understand what part it plays in why you're distressed.
I think you can only go so long being desperate to prove your worth to dysfunctional people and/or in dysfunctional situations before the stress of putting forth enormous effort for little reward just overwhelms you.
Yeah therapy, but I think you could do worse than ask for an acknowledged real relationship with your FWD [1] since, as pointed out, you have nothing to lose whereas continuing like this guarantees the loss of your sanity.
[1] I'm calling it Friends With Detriments from now on and I'll stop when we get a rash of questions like, "Why is my FWB situation so fabulous?" and "why are my FWB and I so happy? we just don't give a shit about each other and it's great!" then I'll revert to standard terminology.
posted by tel3path at 5:24 PM on January 11, 2012 [7 favorites]
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The inferiority complex hits hard particularly around sex and it sounds like this relatively small incident has taken you back to some real trauma around your previous boyfriend. Let's face it, rejection is just the worst feeling. Of course you want to cry. But what happened with your man today, is that you were gently rejected without blame or criticism [he took it on himself "too tired"]. It's made you re-visit a time emotionally where you were rejected, repeatedly, and, it seems likely, sexually betrayed. You need to process that previous relationship with yourself or a therapist, and leave this current guy out of it. Can you do that? It's gonna have to be you, holding yourself for the next few days until you are out of range of re-visiting your wounds.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:59 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]