Changing for a guy?

January 10, 2012 2:57 PM

How can I prove to my friends that I'm not "changing for a new guy," or should I even bother?

I recently started seeing a new guy. We are both in the same program at school, so we have a lot of classes together.

Since we met, he has opened my eyes to a lot of topics I had never really thought about before. It's not like he "changed my position" so much as, I had never really read much about the topics. My friends, who know him as well, are saying they are concerned that I am "changing too much" for him.

I find this really insulting, because I never hear something he says (about say, polyamory, socialism, feminsm etc.) and think "oh, well since he says it's true, it must be!" He brings up an excellent point I've never been exposed to. He either recommends books or resources that support it, or I find that information myself. I find that often, I end up on the same side of the issue as he is on, and feel that the only reason I never did before, was that I didn't have this information, and never sought it out.

In all honestly, whenever I have come across individuals with beliefs similar to his, I would prod and try to get them to recommend reading to me etc, because I always found it interesting, but usually they didn't really feel like steering my reading, and since I didn't really have anyone to talk to about these things, I didn't really bother to do the research. I tend to not find things interesting if I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

The "last straw" for my friends, was that I recently dropped a class in my major, to take a gender studies course that this guy is currently in. I feel like this decision had very little to do with him. I went to the class to "audit" because an accident on the way to school made me most of my origional class, and I had already travelled all the way to school, so I didn't want to head home right away. The class turned out to be REALLY interesting, with an excellent professor. Switching classes meant that I would have Tuesday's off of school (which means I can work a few more hours and therefore make much needed money). The required class in my major can be taken next year (when subsequently, I won't be working and intend on borrowing money instead, to focus on the 3rd and 4rth year which are more important in terms of Grad School). Last semester I was overwhelmed by too many "technical" classes in my field, and got Bs instead of my usual As. I know that, for me, Gender Studies will not require as much time and effort to get an A. I suppose I could have taken a different non-major class, but I don't see why I should have to. Switching these classes around won't change when I graduate.

All of this makes sense to me, but in answering my friends, it feels like justifications, and I feel like they will just take it as excuses. So far I've been ignoring their "concerned text-messages" (of course, they never mention this in-person!) and just acting as if they never sent them. This is passive-agressive, and I hate it, but at the same time, I feel like "justifying" myself is saying that it is okay for them to be judging me.

My questions:

1) Am I changing "too much?" I'm happy with where I am now. I like having an intellectual person in my life that I can bounce ideas off of, and who directs me to readings that interst me. I feel like it's unfair that anything he likes or believes is suddenly "off-limits" to me, or else I am "changing myself FOR him." Instead I feel like he is helping me grow, and I am changing my own opinions, with his guidance. Maybe that is just as bad?

2) How do I adress this issue with my friends?

posted by pandorasbox to human relations (32 answers total)

Are your friends bothered by the ways that you have changed, or are they just upset that you have changed at all? If you are truly happy with yourself, then don't feel guilty about it, and don't make excuses to your friends for it.
posted by nasayre at 3:02 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I could see being upset if it's about issues they've raised with you that you've shown no interest in previous to This Guy's arrival. But that doesn't sound like the case.

If they are your real friends, they are probably just concerned about you. Keep being you. If they're NOT your real friends, they'll stop being interested because you're different.

I would only worry that if you're feeling the need to justify your actions to them, that you're not entirely comfortable with how you're changing. Not saying that's true, but your post did read like an extended justification.
posted by guster4lovers at 3:13 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

I think it depends on whether or not your friends think he's a douchebag or not. My sister changed after she met this guy that she thought was the greatest thing. He manipulated her and treated her like dirt. But to this day I don't think she saw it as changing herself, and she would probably talk to him again (and he came looking for her, but that's another story).

Maybe your friends have legitimate concerns? Talk to them.
posted by bolognius maximus at 3:15 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

1) it's not necessarily bad. Meeting new people is supposed to expose you to new ideas, especially in college. And it's really cool that you're excited about this stuff.

However, I think you should probably cut your friends some slack in that, from outside a relationship, it's awfully hard to tell the difference between changing because of him, and changing for him. There are people who are so psyched to be dating someone and starry-eyed at the beginning of a relationship that everything the beloved does becomes fascinating and/or adorable. I don't think you're that "well, I was going to go to my Greenpeace chapter meeting Saturday, but I've done that tons of times and I've never been to a monster truck rally, so sure, love to!" person, but it's going to be hard for your friends to see that.

2) as for justifying, you don't. If they give you shit for switching that class, you shrug and say, "the first time I went I was just curious, but I ended up being really interested. So I switched." that's it. No extended explanations of all your reasoning, all your this, all your that. Because people who are secure in a decision don't bother explaining it to the world, and even if you don't feel that way 100% if the time, the best way to get your friends off your back is to front it. "He's a smart guy and I like having a boyfriend I can debate with." that's all you owe them.
posted by Diablevert at 3:16 PM on January 10 [13 favorites]

When your friends say that you have changed too much for him, what they really mean is that you have changed too much for them. They were evidently more comfortable with you before you started exploring these new ideas. It's unclear from your post if they have an issue with the new ideas you're interested in, or they just don't like that you're suddenly interested in new things. Either way, it seems to me you aren't the one with the problem, and you shouldn't have to defend exploring new intellectual frontiers because you enjoy it any more than you should have to defend picking up a fun new hobby.
posted by wansac at 3:17 PM on January 10 [4 favorites]

My friends in college were pretty close, and we had a bit of this when one of us started seeing a guy seriously and spending a lot of time with him. I'm sure that one of us told her that she was changing too much for him. It wasn't terribly dramatic, but there were some hurt feelings.

Fifteen years later, we acknowledge that we didn't give him a chance because we missed her. I'm not sure if the same thing is going on with your friends, but it could be just their way of saying "we miss you."
posted by Clambone at 3:17 PM on January 10

What, exactly, are they concerned you are changing into? Or is it a general concern? I guess I am just unclear as to what their concern is, exactly.
posted by griphus at 3:18 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

2nding Clambone. You're spending time with him that you could be spending with them, and they don't like it. Tell your friends you're taking the gender studies class because you find it interesting, then change the subject and ask them about which classes they're taking that they find interesting.
posted by jabes at 3:26 PM on January 10

If they are bringing this up via text, but don't have the guts to bring it up in person, then just don't engage that type of conversation in text; just text back (the first time) "that's the kind of thing we should talk about in person, if you're really that concerned about me" and don't engage further (that first response is what keeps it from being passive-aggressive.)

Then if they DO say it in person, let them have their say, let them know you'll think about it, and then (without them around) do so...and act however you want to act, having considered their opinions. If they bring it up again, or demand to know what you've decided, just say "I know how you feel, and I've considered it. Ultimately, though, I make my own choices, not the choices that my boyfriend OR my friends think I should make. I'm glad you took the time to tell me how you feel, though."
posted by davejay at 3:32 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Are you exploring new and interesting things or are you getting into dangerous or fringe ideas, it sounds like the former to me. A gender studies douse is not the same as attending a white pride rally. I think your friends are feeling a bit jealous and insecure. This is common but not something that can't get over with time. You don't indicate that they are concerned with your new beliefs, just that you are interested in something new at all.

Keep exploring things for yourself, read ll sides of an issue and have fun talking and debating issues with your SO. Also maybe ask their friends what they think about an issue when they bring up that you are changing too much. I'm guessing they will have no response but "well you just didn't care anything about it until you met him. That is a silly response especially when at college, and hopefully posing that question will help them get over their warped protectiveness.
posted by boobjob at 3:33 PM on January 10

Have you actually changed?

From reading your post, it sounds like you've:

A) been exposed to some new stuff

B) changed your college class schedule in a trifling way.

I mean, maybe there's something happening here that you're not telling us. Maybe you used to be president of the Young Republicans and now you're attending Occupy (Wherever) protests. Maybe you used to be a socially conservative Evangelical Christian and now you're an avowed atheist who thinks drugs should be legalized and people should be able to marry their ferrets. Maybe in dropping a class for your major in order to take gender studies with him, what you really mean is that you're changing majors from Engineering to Women's Studies at the drop of a hat.

Those are big changes, and if something like that happened to a friend of mine right around meeting a guy who happened to have those same beliefs, I'd be concerned.

On the other hand, it sounds like you're a full time college student. It's very common for a person's interests, beliefs, political positions, career plans, etc. to change in that situation. I started college as a Mainline Protestant politically apathetic Theatre major who said things like, "I'm not a feminist, but..." and "Bush and Gore are exactly the same". I finished college an agnostic leftist Anthropology major who was the president of my campus Feminist Majority Foundation and got arrested protesting Bush's policies.
posted by Sara C. at 3:35 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like your new interests are taking you a bit far afield from where your friends are politically. I think that's fine, but I'd just keep in mind how that might seem potentially scary or threatening to them, especially if they have, say, outmoded ideas about feminism.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:39 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

One hand: people hate change and they get scared/confused/angry/threatened when people near them change.

Other hand: having your horizons broadened is incredibly tedious to other people because it's just so hard to shut up about it. Maybe they are a little jealous, but monitor yourself for insufferableness.

Third hand: your friends are texting you to let you know they're sitting around shitting on you behind your back. Maybe some people just grow up faster than others.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:40 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

What new things have you introduced to him? Maybe if you tell your friends about those things, they'll calm down.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:51 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

There is something insufferable when a person romantically involved with someone else ends up adopting a lot of his same beliefs. Even if you came to the same conclusions on your own, it's still insufferable. And in a sense, you didn't really come to those same conclusions independently. You had no opinion before, then your significant other told you about some issue he believes in, and you found the arguments for these positions (even outside of his opinionating) convincing, and started to believe them yourself. To a degree, many of your beliefs in this area were a blank slate. And while that's not changing per se (it's not like you believed the opposite thing before), it might seem to an outsider to be adopting your boyfriend's point of view.

You can really only live your own life, with this one. If these are things you decide are what you believe, then stick with it, though I'd tread carefully for your own personal development. As far as your friends go, it's probably best not to tell them so much about the new things your boyfriend has introduced you to, because they already know your boyfriend and what he thinks, and it will come across as though you're mirroring what he has already told them about.
posted by deanc at 4:00 PM on January 10 [7 favorites]

Other hand: having your horizons broadened is incredibly tedious to other people because it's just so hard to shut up about it. Maybe they are a little jealous, but monitor yourself for insufferableness.


This is true. Also, speaking generally (global "you," not specifically YOU, OP), I do tend to think that if ALL your friends have a problem with your boyfriend, there might be a problem with your boyfriend. If it's one group of people, that's one thing -- I totally drifted away from a group of friends in college once I met some new people, because I realized the new people were awesome and I was mostly friends with the first group because they were there, and that may very well be what is happening here -- but if EVERYONE you know, from a variety of groups, is concerned about this dude, that might be worth some thought, you know?

That being said, I can't imagine why your friends would even care why you changed your class schedule. Never once in my life did my friends have any opinion at all on my class schedule, other than "I heard that professor is insane!" or "yay, now we both have Fridays off." If they bring that stuff up, I think it may be time for the old Dear Abby favorite retort: a very relaxed and polite, "Why do you care?"
posted by Countess Sandwich at 4:02 PM on January 10

So did you change from being monogamous to being polyamorous, in your relationship with him?

This is seen by a lot of people as a sign that a dude is manipulating his girlfriend so that he can get laid more and never have to commit.

The solution to that is to be obviously happy and/or get laid more than your boyfriend.

Good luck!
posted by the young rope-rider at 4:06 PM on January 10 [14 favorites]

The Young Rope Rider brings up another point.

Are these changes mostly changes in abstract opinions, or more like changes in how you are living your life?

There's a huge difference between "I used to think socialism was evil but now I see how certain socialist policies are important" and "I used to be a diehard monogamist, but now I understand why it's important for my boyfriend and I to have an open relationship."

Especially scrutinize which of these changes makes life easier for your boyfriend.
posted by Sara C. at 4:20 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

College is the perfect setting in which for you to continue to assert your independence... from your friends' ideas, from your boyfriend's ideas, from your classmates' ideas. I think you sound like you have your head on straight and shouldn't worry to much. Thank your friends for you concern and let them know that it's given you a lot to consider. Then change the subject and start asking them about what's going on in their lives, because in some small part their anxiety might be fueled by the idea that you are drifting away from them.
posted by hermitosis at 4:23 PM on January 10

Well, opinions on polyamory, socialism and (sadly) feminism can be pretty divisive. And if your friends don't like your guy then they probably don't like his weird polyamorous, socialist, feminist beliefs either. Also: some people really cannot talk about these issues -- they are ignorant, they don't have the language or some other reason. Most people just like to stay the path and don't think too hard about things that are outside their narrow viewpoint. I have friends today who say they don't keep up with the news or read. I'm baffled by them. But, I also know that they don't want to hear me go on and on about some current event -- they know nothing about it and don't care to!

Bottom line: you're young. Have fun! Experiment! Try not to bore your friends. Take your gender studies class -- it's good for you! And ignore everyone else.
posted by amanda at 4:27 PM on January 10

Well... Did you suddenly drop your old interests/suddenly drastically change viewpoints? Do they feel like they don't know you anymore?

Or... they just flat out don't like your guy?

Or... are they concerned that you are jumping in feet first and moving too fast?

Or... is it possible you are drifting away from your old social group, (which often happens when people get into new relationships... and looks a lot like abandoning your old friends and interests for someone else)?

I don't think you necessarily need to justify your new interests or view (not knowing what they are, mind you) but I do think that if you want to keep your friends you need to actually talk to them. Maybe you're going on about things they don't care about. Maybe they just miss you. Or maybe they are justifiably concerned about you.
posted by sm1tten at 4:31 PM on January 10

Without knowing more, it's most likely that they're simply missing your company and are slightly jealous/unnerved over somebody taking their friend away from them, as Clambone suggested.

But it's possible that they're using the changing opinions/classes thing as a proxy for issues they're somewhat more concerned about; that's not unusual, especially if they're worried that a straight-up intervention might not go down well (given that you're pretty into him). They'll use "are you sure about changing classes" as a conversational opening gambit, but they're hoping that will lead to a conversation in which they can eventually say "we think he's a sleazebag who sleeps around, manipulates women and is way too into drugs". Even if you think there's no reason why they might believe such a thing (and be aware that yes, the polyamory thing could be a red flag), give them the opportunity to have that conversation - which means responding to their texts. If they never escalate it beyond "you're changing a bit", then all well and good.
posted by flashboy at 5:26 PM on January 10

It does sound like he is the one initiating all of these new topics and 'directing' your reading and thinking. I would encourage you to learn about the topics from multiple different sources and perspectives. It would be interesting to hear how he reacts when you finally disagree with him on something. Do you ever disagree or share with him ideas that you are independently interested in?

Keep in mind your friends have probably known you to be a certain way throughout your relationship with them, and now you are changing. I would probably avoid talking with them about the new 'intellectual' topics your new boyfriend has enlightened you with. At the same, you really do not need to justify your behavior to them.
posted by seesom at 6:02 PM on January 10

From what you describe, you are not "changing for him" but expanding your horizons. Sounds like the things he's getting you interested in are "good" things. Who can't benefit from a gender studies class, or new political viewpoint? It's simply something most people never give any thought to. He's not bringing you to a skinhead rally, or asking you to pledge your life savings to his beneficent leader.

I love learning, and inevitably when I start seeing someone new there is at least one thing they are interested on which I have no experience of. I don't see taking an interest in that thing as changing my personality for them, but rather a chance to learn something new. I dated a guy that loved IndyCar racing and so on, which I had never had an interest in and rather looked down on. I went to several races with him, he taught me a lot about the behind the scenes/ mechanics of it and I found it really interesting and had a blast. I wasn't changing for him, I was learning something new and having new experiences. The same goes for a guy I dated who was into black and death metal. Something I was never into, but he was able to tell me a lot about the background and technical aspects that made it a lot more interesting and enjoyable in a way it hadn't been previously. (I can now appreciate a drummer that can drum faster than any machine, even if the music is not particularly appealing to me.)

So my point is, no, taking an interest in things you had never really thought about previously is not changing your personality for a guy, and your friends should maybe be a little more accepting and less judgmental. One thought is maybe they need to get to know him? I suppose you suddenly taking up a bunch of new interests can seem unnerving from the outside, especially if they don't know the guy.
posted by catatethebird at 6:14 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Also, if you have made drastic changes to the way you live your life, that may be a concern. especially the polyamory thing. If it is something you had never considered, and suddenly you have decided that that is way the to live, after he told you that's what he wants, I might reexamine your motives. On the flip side, at your age (assuming you are 19-21 in your second year of college) I found myself slipping quite naturally into a polyamorous/open relationship which we never even discussed because it just felt right, and we had that kind of autonomic connection that is very rare. In either case this is probably a live and learn situation. I wish you good luck!
posted by catatethebird at 6:28 PM on January 10

I feel like if your friends are worried about it, it's possible that there's something weird or unbalanced about the dynamic between you and this guy that you (and, by extension, us, since we're only going by what you've said) aren't seeing.

Or, could be they're just jealous or disagree with your new opinions or whatever. Anyway, I feel like it might be worth it to sit down and talk to them about it rather than assuming they're being unreasonable and make sure there's not anything there that you're blind to in your new-guy happiness.
posted by geegollygosh at 6:47 PM on January 10

"I think it's awesome that you noticed those changes, and that you care enough to be concerned that I'm trying to mold myself for the new boy, and that you're enough of a friend to act on that concern and check in with me, and hopefully you'll feel better to find out that what's happening is that through the new boy, I discovered a bunch of stuff that had been flying under my radar, and now that I've noticed it, I'm actually finding it really interesting! The boy is involved in a lot of it, and that's fine, but it's not about him. It's about me. It's ALWAYS about me! Mwahaha! You know that! :-p"
posted by -harlequin- at 8:24 PM on January 10

I feel the need to mention that although he has changed my mind about polyamory as a legitimate lifestyle, and POSSIBLY something I might want someday, we aren't in a polyamorous relationship. Mostly we are just seeing where it goes (it's fairly new!) but also neither of us are sleeping with anyone else.

Someone asked about my age. I'm 24.

Also, this isn't "all" my friends, just the small group of friends (girls) that I tend to hang out with at school. They are in most of my classes, including the class I dropped. However, they are also the only of my friends that really see me on a daily or even weekly basis, as school currently takes up a large portion of my time.

Also, to the people who tell me to "mention my new beliefs less." I'm really not bringing it up that much. Only as it comes up. Perhaps in the context of "What did you do this weekend?" "Met up with a Feminist group" or "Went to an Occupy meeting with X" or "Went to a workshop about Polyamory" etc.

Also, I often, if not ALWAYS disagree with everything this guy says (it tends to be fairly extreme compared to what I'm used to hearing), it's just that about 70% of the time, upon further research or new information brought up by him or other sources, I eventually end up closer to his end of the spectrum (although usually not as far as he is).

More advice on how to address this with my friends would be great... I can't really respond to the text message as it came 3 days ago, and since then I have sent other texts (regarding class, plans, etc.) and seen the people in question several times and NOT mentioned it. So to bring it up now would have to be a concious decision, not just a reply.
posted by pandorasbox at 9:08 PM on January 10

I think the young rope rider has it. These are the sort of red-flag topics that you're likely to get friends checking you on simply because they're easily abused to get in your pants.

Beyond that, they're also a set of topics that you ought to double- and, triple-check yourself on. People go their whole lives arguing and refining their understanding of these topics. It's great to be changing your opinion on them. Keep changing it. The sign of an open mind is a willingness to turn every belief you have into a further question about itself: "what if this isn't right after all?"

Avoid dogmatism and simple conclusions. If your friends are real friends, they'll engage in conversation so long as you stick with the open-mind and questions, not the implied posession of pat answers.
posted by ead at 10:36 PM on January 10 [5 favorites]

If you want to have them happier, try complaining about him more (but not enough to get "break up" as the advice). Like say that he has bad breath or something. It sounds like they are either concerned that you've drunk the kool-aid and are absolutely uncritical of him, or they are haters. Complaining will make them either worry less if they think you're blind to his flaws, or it will make them less jealous if they are haters.

Keep in mind, too, that lots of groups bond over complaints about their significant others/the other gender. If you switch the script and start talking about how great your SO is, they'll be peeved because you're not participating in the bonding, you're changing things up. If you were the leader of the group, they'd all probably try to follow suit, but it sounds like you're not.

If that feels undignified or dishonest to you, just keep ignoring them.
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:07 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Just hang out with your friends more and the bf less. EVERYONE hates when someone disappears just b/c they have a FABULOUS new s/o
posted by MangyCarface at 8:29 AM on January 11

I kind of understand where your friends are coming from. When you're in college and dating somebody, it's pretty weird for him to get you interested enough in polyamory to be attending a polyamory "workshop." It's your life, obviously, and you're free to do what you wish to do, but that would set off all sorts of alarms for me if I were in your friends' position.

(Maybe you just made that "polyamory workshop" bit up, as an illustration ... and if so, pardon me.)
posted by jayder at 12:51 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]