I am in a relationship with the most wonderful person. However, a job has taken me 3 hours away from him, and we're at the point in which we're struggling to see how this LDR will eventually work out for us.
A flurry of snowflakiness within.
posted by anonymous to human relations (20 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
About a year and a half ago I started dating a really wonderful guy. We hit it off immediately. We're both professionals in our early/mid thirties. He has a house (almost paid off), he has been at the same company for 10 years (he likes his work, he's good at it, he likes his coworkers, and he gets paid a whole bunch), and most of his family is nearby. I finished my Masters four years ago and have been clawing my way up the ladder ever since. I was working at a good job in the same city as him, when my Dream Job came open. Unfortunately, it was in a town about 3 hours away.
We had only been dating for about eight months when I got the job offer. We both agreed that it would be ridiculous for me to turn it down. My previous position was high-stress, the new one would be lower-stress as well as a step up the ladder...to the top landing, actually. I work in an industry where such jobs don't just fall out of the sky. We agreed that I would be a fool to turn it down, even though it meant that we would be living apart. So I moved, and we've been doing the long-distance thing ever since.
I've been in the new job/new town for about six months, and I think it's going to be just great. I don't know a lot of people yet, but the area is beautiful (small resort town, lots of nature), there's a big city nearby (30 minutes) so I'm not completely in the middle of nowhere, and I like my job. It was, essentially, a stellar career move to take this job and the location couldn't be better. The only two things wrong are that I am renting a crappy little apartment and want a house...and that my boyfriend isn't here.
I'm in a good enough financial position to purchase a house, and the market in my town is phenomenal for a buyer - many for sale properties...mostly second homes and cabins that people have lost during the recession. I have dreamed about buying a house for over a decade. I made myself wait until the New Year to even begin looking - and I planned on not even DREAMING about plopping down money until after the first of spring.
So, boyfriend came up to visit last weekend. My real estate agent had some houses for me to look at, so he came along. One of them was *perfect*. Everything looked great...except that my boyfriend was kind of stand-offish about the whole thing. After we got back to my apartment I asked him what was up. He said that he "can't see where there'd be a place for him in my town", and that he was happy where he was (his house, his job, close to his family) and was terrified of giving up all of that to move. Even if the move was years down the road, he couldn't see himself moving up here to be with me. What would there be for him up here? Just me, maybe a new job (new coworkers, new work...lots of newness to stress him out)? There is the big city nearby and he acknowledges that there would be opportunities for him there, but he's super-apprehensive about the mere idea of making a big move.
We're on the same page in many ways: we have similar life goals (travel, volunteering, watching baseball), we have similar ideas about finances, and we get excited about the same things. We are also on the same page in that neither one of us wants to have kids, so there is no tick-tick-tick of the biological clock to worry about. We have talked about marriage but it's not really on the radar. Neither of us is in a hurry to race down the aisle. If for no other reason, "not being married" keeps our mothers off of our backs with questions about grandchildren. :)
He can't imagine moving up here to be with me, because I live in a small town without a lot of opportunity (although there is a big city nearby), his family would be far away, he wouldn't know anybody, and he'd have to give up his job which he loves/he's good at/has great coworkers/gets paid a lot of money.
I can't imagine moving back to his city, because I just got this incredible job, I love the area I moved to, and I really want to put roots down here by buying a house and becoming a permanent member of this community.
We want to be together, but neither of us wants to be in a LDR forever.
We both totally understand the other's feelings about this.
What do we do? Do I buy a house and set down roots, only to have to uproot again because we want to be together but he won't move up here (that doesn't seem fair to me)? Does he give up his house, job, and local family to start over up here with the only draw being me (that doesn't seem fair to him)? Do we keep on keepin' on in an LDR for the interminable future until...what? Until something happens?
If you were in an LDR and needed to make the decision to move closer together, how did you do it? When did you make that decision? Who made the move, and why? What happened afterwards? Was there any resentment about it?
Thanks, Mefites. We really do love each other and want to be together, but we also respect each others careers and dreams.