Was I sexually assaulted? Can we still have a relationship if I was?
January 1, 2012 8:03 AM Subscribe
I think I may have been sexually assaulted in the past by my best friend in the whole world. I'm conflicted about this and I'm wondering if it's possible for us to still be friends? And if so, how?
posted by anonymous to human relations (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a gay male in my late 20's and I live by myself in a city very far away from my family and where I grew up. I met a very sexy, wonderful man when I moved here and we hit it off right away. I considered him to be a soulmate although (I have come to find out) he thought less so of me. We've since separated but have remained good friends and he is probably my best friend -- we talk and see each other every day. We genuinely like each other.
Basically, as I began to become more aware of the various types of sexual assault, it slowly dawned on me that he may have assaulted me a few times, although I'll admit that this is kind of "iffy". He knows that I can't deepthroat, for example (I choke too easily) but loves to shove his cock down my throat over my loud protests and rolls his eyes when I tell him not to. "Whatever, stop being such a whiny little bitch" he might say. Then he would get bored and we would move on to something else. This has happened a bunch in the past. Probably more times than I can count.
The only other "incident" I can think of was where he forcibly sat on my dick when I wasn't wearing a condom. I told him to get off and that I didn't want to have unprotected sex but he (again) just rolled his eyes and was like "Whatever". After a minute he got bored and, again, moved on to something else (that I had no problem with).
Was I sexually assaulted here? I'd like to think that I WASNT, because thinking that I WAS makes me feel awful.
If I were to show him this AskMe, and he could come on here to defend himself, he would probably say that my failure to immediately call the police or run away implies a certain level of consent on my part. He might say that only I am responsible for my own well-being and that if I didn't protest hard enough or have clear-cut boundaries then this wouldn't be a problem. I can see his point.
I've never talked to him about this, btw, but from what I know of his personality, I would say that's a fairly good example of what he would say if he were here.
The other factor here is that we are still best friends. We no longer have sex and I no longer feel used and abused by him, although some unpleasant memories still remain. I usually stifle those memories because I really do love him and I want to be around him. I can say honestly that even if I came to the fundamental conclusion that he raped me on several occasions that I probably wouldn't break off the friendship because he really does mean that much to me. The other truth is, I really have nobody else in this world who understands me as well as he does.
I would also say that he does love me, in his own way, although I don't expect any of you to understand that.
1) Was I sexually assaulted? Yes, no, maybe, or it's complicated?
2) Is it possible to remain friends with this guy? Has anybody else in this situation been able to maintain friendly non-abusive relations with someone who assaulted them?
3) If it's possible to build a better relationship with him, how can I go about minimizing the hurt from these experiences and maximizing the friendship?
You can reach me at AskMe.Brother@gmail.com if you desire privacy as well. Thanks.