How to deal with people who suck the life out of you?
December 26, 2011 7:51 PM Subscribe
How to deal with people who suck the life out of you?
I'm a positive person but really finding it hard to stay positive when everyone I know and associate with is completely negative. I live with my family, they revolve around negativity, bitching, bad news and backstabbing. Reputation is nothing in my family and it's hard to improve upon it at all. Every one of my friends does drugs and I find it hard to meet new people due to my work from home job. My family like to control my life as much as possible not understanding that it delays my development. I guess what I'm trying to ask is how do you know that your a good individual even though everyone you know brings you down?
Not many people know how to show love these days and I think I show more than I receive.
I'm a person who has lived a tough life and understand life isn't easy so there isn't much point in bitching your way through it (even though I'm kind of bitching now).
A tiny example of how I feel unloved in my family is the fact that every morning when we all wake up I'm happy and cheerful and I always say "Good morning" to everyone first, no-one has ever said good morning to me first in 15 years...
Has anyone had this experience before?
Or am I just a softie or something?
I'm a positive person but really finding it hard to stay positive when everyone I know and associate with is completely negative. I live with my family, they revolve around negativity, bitching, bad news and backstabbing. Reputation is nothing in my family and it's hard to improve upon it at all. Every one of my friends does drugs and I find it hard to meet new people due to my work from home job. My family like to control my life as much as possible not understanding that it delays my development. I guess what I'm trying to ask is how do you know that your a good individual even though everyone you know brings you down?
Not many people know how to show love these days and I think I show more than I receive.
I'm a person who has lived a tough life and understand life isn't easy so there isn't much point in bitching your way through it (even though I'm kind of bitching now).
A tiny example of how I feel unloved in my family is the fact that every morning when we all wake up I'm happy and cheerful and I always say "Good morning" to everyone first, no-one has ever said good morning to me first in 15 years...
Has anyone had this experience before?
Or am I just a softie or something?
Are you the head of the family or one of the kids?
If a grown child, then WHY are you still living there?
More info is needed here.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:11 PM on December 26, 2011
If a grown child, then WHY are you still living there?
More info is needed here.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:11 PM on December 26, 2011
How do you know? Well, apparently you can already see the problem. So, you're 100 percent better than you think.
I think it's time for you to move out and see the world.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:13 PM on December 26, 2011
I think it's time for you to move out and see the world.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:13 PM on December 26, 2011
Response by poster: I'm the youngest one in the family
posted by Bacillus at 8:22 PM on December 26, 2011
posted by Bacillus at 8:22 PM on December 26, 2011
Sometimes I think "the common denominator is you" isn't quite enough. Let's just assume that you are a youngish person (concerned with your "development") who for one reason or another hasn't been able to live on his own yet. (Money, health, taking care of a relative, etc) Growing up in a negative, complainy environment teaches you to expect a complainy environment - it doesn't teach you good habits, you're not pegasus chained to the plow.
There were a couple of times in my young adulthood where I basically dropped out of my friend circles - once because it was a really toxic group where I got bullied, and once where I just wasn't, honestly, mature enough to be an equal in the group. Both those things were really productive for me. After the second one, I spent a ton of time by myself, and it helped me grow up a lot because it taught me to rely on myself for real - to decide what I wanted to do and how I wanted to handle problems.
Now, let's assume that you're youngish, the economy is shitty, you don't have a posh degree and you live somewhere awful - some deep suburb, for example, where there's no public transit and your choice of friends is limited. If you work from home, can you "work from home" at a library or coffee shop? This won't provide you with a social life, but it will get you out of the house. Can you make more internet friends and try to get to meet-ups? Stop hanging out with the drug-using friends if possible, even if it means that you have no one to hang out with - go to the movies by yourself, go to whatever amusement is available by yourself. Find an obsession - whatever you can afford, whether it's the gym, or reading something, or biking, or walking five miles every day without fail, or learning a craft. (But not video games! Seeking to lose yourself in video games probably isn't the solution here.)
Can you emotionally detach a bit from your family? I find journalling helpful for all kinds of stuff. Think about where this negativity is coming from - what in your family as a whole prompts it? How does the dynamic usually work? What in your parents' background may cause them to be this way? How do you contribute to the dynamic? (Because you do - every stable dynamic depends on all participants - this doesn't mean that if you were a better person everything would be rainbows and flowers, though.)
Look at fun stuff - gentle humor, not mean things. Kids' movies you used to like, comic writing, comic fiction, anything that will make you laugh without meanness or feeling superior to others. I am a big nerd and am fond of early Terry Pratchett for this, even though I recognize the sentimentality and the thinness of the ideas - but the books are gentle in spirit.
posted by Frowner at 8:35 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
There were a couple of times in my young adulthood where I basically dropped out of my friend circles - once because it was a really toxic group where I got bullied, and once where I just wasn't, honestly, mature enough to be an equal in the group. Both those things were really productive for me. After the second one, I spent a ton of time by myself, and it helped me grow up a lot because it taught me to rely on myself for real - to decide what I wanted to do and how I wanted to handle problems.
Now, let's assume that you're youngish, the economy is shitty, you don't have a posh degree and you live somewhere awful - some deep suburb, for example, where there's no public transit and your choice of friends is limited. If you work from home, can you "work from home" at a library or coffee shop? This won't provide you with a social life, but it will get you out of the house. Can you make more internet friends and try to get to meet-ups? Stop hanging out with the drug-using friends if possible, even if it means that you have no one to hang out with - go to the movies by yourself, go to whatever amusement is available by yourself. Find an obsession - whatever you can afford, whether it's the gym, or reading something, or biking, or walking five miles every day without fail, or learning a craft. (But not video games! Seeking to lose yourself in video games probably isn't the solution here.)
Can you emotionally detach a bit from your family? I find journalling helpful for all kinds of stuff. Think about where this negativity is coming from - what in your family as a whole prompts it? How does the dynamic usually work? What in your parents' background may cause them to be this way? How do you contribute to the dynamic? (Because you do - every stable dynamic depends on all participants - this doesn't mean that if you were a better person everything would be rainbows and flowers, though.)
Look at fun stuff - gentle humor, not mean things. Kids' movies you used to like, comic writing, comic fiction, anything that will make you laugh without meanness or feeling superior to others. I am a big nerd and am fond of early Terry Pratchett for this, even though I recognize the sentimentality and the thinness of the ideas - but the books are gentle in spirit.
posted by Frowner at 8:35 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
Are you unable to move away and support yourself? Save up, move out, that's what most people do, even if the people they live with are pleasant. Your first place doesn't have to be grand, find a safe neighborhood, get a studio apartment.
Also, get a life. Join meetups, volunteer groups, clubs, whatever - ballroom dancing, cooking, crafting group - knitting, crocheting, scrapbooking, quilting, bowling league, running club, mahjongg, poker, bridge, pole dancing, chess club, renaissance fairs (OK, maybe not that), but there's tons of organizations, beer making, etc.
And maybe look for a job that you go to each day instead of working from home.
You're giving the people around you all the power. The world is a big place, become a part of it.
posted by shoesietart at 8:36 PM on December 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, get a life. Join meetups, volunteer groups, clubs, whatever - ballroom dancing, cooking, crafting group - knitting, crocheting, scrapbooking, quilting, bowling league, running club, mahjongg, poker, bridge, pole dancing, chess club, renaissance fairs (OK, maybe not that), but there's tons of organizations, beer making, etc.
And maybe look for a job that you go to each day instead of working from home.
You're giving the people around you all the power. The world is a big place, become a part of it.
posted by shoesietart at 8:36 PM on December 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
no-one has ever said good morning to me first in 15 years
Maybe they're waiting for you to take the hint: they're not chatty until after coffee. Or they don't think family members that they see everyday need to be greeted up on arising. I don't think this is such a sin, personally.
Otherwise, get out of the house, make new, non-druggie friends, and develop your better nature by ignoring your family of origin's crabbiness and gossip.
Then, move out.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:05 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
Maybe they're waiting for you to take the hint: they're not chatty until after coffee. Or they don't think family members that they see everyday need to be greeted up on arising. I don't think this is such a sin, personally.
Otherwise, get out of the house, make new, non-druggie friends, and develop your better nature by ignoring your family of origin's crabbiness and gossip.
Then, move out.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:05 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
How to deal with people who suck the life out of you?
Get away from them.
posted by mleigh at 9:26 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
Get away from them.
posted by mleigh at 9:26 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
In the short-term, you should dis-engage from negative people around you and found other outlets that keep you positive. Other people have suggested join meetups and volunteer groups, that's a good start. You need to have people who are loving and supportive and emotionally healthy in your life, otherwise, you will get dragged down by the negativity around you.
In the long-term, I would investigate options to move out. How old are you? Do you have any savings? A car? If it's me, I'd move out as soon as I save up enough for my own place, you can get a roommate to save on rent. I'd also move away from my old neighborhood, just to get a breath of fresh air, metaphorically speaking. You need to get a fresh start. It's a drastic measure, but also the most effective, IMHO.
Anecdotal data: I grew up in a very controlling family and so did a friend of mine. I moved far away for college and stayed far away from my family for jobs. I didn't truly grow into my own person and become happy and positive until I moved away. Now my interactions with my family are more positive overall because they know I would simply dis-engage if they are negative around me. My friend, on the other hand, has never left her family. She went to college near her hometown and moved back with her parents after she has graduated. It's been almost 10 years, and she's still living with her parents. She has grown into a negative person and her negativity persists year after year. I actually don't talk to her much anymore because every chat we have would inevitably turns into a bitching session where she would complain about her parents and everything else in her life. So even though she has a great job that pays really well, she's been unhappy for a very LONG time.
So be aware that if you don't take action, the negativity around you can have very negative consequences for your long-term emotional health.
posted by wcmf at 9:30 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
In the long-term, I would investigate options to move out. How old are you? Do you have any savings? A car? If it's me, I'd move out as soon as I save up enough for my own place, you can get a roommate to save on rent. I'd also move away from my old neighborhood, just to get a breath of fresh air, metaphorically speaking. You need to get a fresh start. It's a drastic measure, but also the most effective, IMHO.
Anecdotal data: I grew up in a very controlling family and so did a friend of mine. I moved far away for college and stayed far away from my family for jobs. I didn't truly grow into my own person and become happy and positive until I moved away. Now my interactions with my family are more positive overall because they know I would simply dis-engage if they are negative around me. My friend, on the other hand, has never left her family. She went to college near her hometown and moved back with her parents after she has graduated. It's been almost 10 years, and she's still living with her parents. She has grown into a negative person and her negativity persists year after year. I actually don't talk to her much anymore because every chat we have would inevitably turns into a bitching session where she would complain about her parents and everything else in her life. So even though she has a great job that pays really well, she's been unhappy for a very LONG time.
So be aware that if you don't take action, the negativity around you can have very negative consequences for your long-term emotional health.
posted by wcmf at 9:30 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
You seriously need to move out. As in make it your number one priority for the new year. Your home, your rules, your environment, your NEW, HAPPY friends. It's amazing how much weight your home life can have - I'm a pretty positive, optimistic person who lived with a Grumpy Gus for almost five years - 11 months after moving out I'm *still* high on my own positivity and am able to embrace my happiness like I haven't in a long time.
You need to set boundaries on the time and energy you expend on people who don't support you. I don't mean that you have to surround yourself with admirers, but if the people around you are bringing you down, make some distance. Even spending time alone is better than being around them, and finding people who are on your same emotional level, that you can be close to, will be an incredibly positive experience.
Before they totally suck you into their negativity and stagnancy you must get out.
PS. In terms of relevant experience, when I was 25 I had a boyfriend who, every time we met up, said, "it's great to see you!" No one had ever said that to me before and it really opened my eyes to being appreciated and appreciative. Since then, I make sure to say it to people that I'm glad to see.
posted by bendy at 9:30 PM on December 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
You need to set boundaries on the time and energy you expend on people who don't support you. I don't mean that you have to surround yourself with admirers, but if the people around you are bringing you down, make some distance. Even spending time alone is better than being around them, and finding people who are on your same emotional level, that you can be close to, will be an incredibly positive experience.
Before they totally suck you into their negativity and stagnancy you must get out.
PS. In terms of relevant experience, when I was 25 I had a boyfriend who, every time we met up, said, "it's great to see you!" No one had ever said that to me before and it really opened my eyes to being appreciated and appreciative. Since then, I make sure to say it to people that I'm glad to see.
posted by bendy at 9:30 PM on December 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
Ouch, that vicious cycle. I've been a basically optimistic person for years, but my family of birth can push my buttons like nobody else: I find myself moving into old patterns despite my best efforts. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" has an addendum in my book: "and allows the brain to remain sane." Move out if you can. If you can't, do your best within your home to reinforce yourself in your optimism. I'm talking big, over-the-top affirmations posted in your personal space. Seriously. Go as far as writing "HELLO FABULOUS!" on your mirror. Seriously. There are plenty of negative things in your environment. Start countering them in tangible ways. It seems hoky at first, but your brain picks up on these messages even if you're skeptical of them. Reinforce the messages you want to give yourself.
You've already begun to counter your earlier training in defeatism. Work on retraining yourself further, intentionally. Write daily affirmations in your journal, and start a gratitude journal. Sometimes you'll slip up and find yourself with cynical, self-defeating thoughts. When this happens, counter the negative with THREE positive thoughts, and write them down in one of your journals. The act of writing is reinforcing, and then you have a record of "good things in my life" to read to counter the negativity in your environment. You can re-train your brain. I know. I've done it.
Find physical things that make you smile (flowers? Lego?) and put them around your space.
Nthing volunteering. A lot of really good, kind, affirming people volunteer. These are generally people who believe they can make a difference, however small, and that this difference has value in the world. Find a cause about which you care and go find your peeps... they're out there. I would suggest something NOT involving drug rehab, etc., because you're trying to remove yourself from that and there's lots of drama in familiar flavors waiting to snag you. Clean up parks or shelve books at a library or paint an elderly person's house. Do small tangible things at first.
Find an out-of-the-house hobby to pursue, too. Be passionate about something. Even if you don't know yet what it is, finding out can be a delicious quest, and help you meet a lot of new people. Look at things outside your current comfort zone, too. What have you not done in your life that you'd like to try, or at least learn more about? The library is your friend.
When I made a conscious decision to stop being miserable, I got a lot of flack from my friends/family. I hadn't expected that, and it was deeply wounding. I thought they loved me, and wanted what was best for me, but my choice to become less toxic was threatening to them. I ended up ending a lot of those relationships, which was difficult and painful ... but it was the right decision, because removing those connections made room for healthy new connections in my life. An old friend shared his similar experience with me. Whatever the reason, people who live in that negative mindspace will likely not respond well to your leaving it. Prepare yourself for this... things may get worse before they get better. (On the other hand, in my case, after a rough adjustment period a couple of really significant persons in my life decided to get more positive too, which has been awesome!)
I wish you all the best on this journey. I know you can do this! (and OH YEAH on the Terry Pratchett.)
posted by theplotchickens at 3:11 AM on December 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
You've already begun to counter your earlier training in defeatism. Work on retraining yourself further, intentionally. Write daily affirmations in your journal, and start a gratitude journal. Sometimes you'll slip up and find yourself with cynical, self-defeating thoughts. When this happens, counter the negative with THREE positive thoughts, and write them down in one of your journals. The act of writing is reinforcing, and then you have a record of "good things in my life" to read to counter the negativity in your environment. You can re-train your brain. I know. I've done it.
Find physical things that make you smile (flowers? Lego?) and put them around your space.
Nthing volunteering. A lot of really good, kind, affirming people volunteer. These are generally people who believe they can make a difference, however small, and that this difference has value in the world. Find a cause about which you care and go find your peeps... they're out there. I would suggest something NOT involving drug rehab, etc., because you're trying to remove yourself from that and there's lots of drama in familiar flavors waiting to snag you. Clean up parks or shelve books at a library or paint an elderly person's house. Do small tangible things at first.
Find an out-of-the-house hobby to pursue, too. Be passionate about something. Even if you don't know yet what it is, finding out can be a delicious quest, and help you meet a lot of new people. Look at things outside your current comfort zone, too. What have you not done in your life that you'd like to try, or at least learn more about? The library is your friend.
When I made a conscious decision to stop being miserable, I got a lot of flack from my friends/family. I hadn't expected that, and it was deeply wounding. I thought they loved me, and wanted what was best for me, but my choice to become less toxic was threatening to them. I ended up ending a lot of those relationships, which was difficult and painful ... but it was the right decision, because removing those connections made room for healthy new connections in my life. An old friend shared his similar experience with me. Whatever the reason, people who live in that negative mindspace will likely not respond well to your leaving it. Prepare yourself for this... things may get worse before they get better. (On the other hand, in my case, after a rough adjustment period a couple of really significant persons in my life decided to get more positive too, which has been awesome!)
I wish you all the best on this journey. I know you can do this! (and OH YEAH on the Terry Pratchett.)
posted by theplotchickens at 3:11 AM on December 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
BTW: Some good news! Your statement: "Not many people know how to show love these days..." is, fortunately, not true.
There are many people who fit your statement, but there are also many who are doing their best to live a kind and loving path. LOTS of them. I'm surrounded by them. We're all flawed, but we're all working on it.
posted by theplotchickens at 3:19 AM on December 27, 2011
There are many people who fit your statement, but there are also many who are doing their best to live a kind and loving path. LOTS of them. I'm surrounded by them. We're all flawed, but we're all working on it.
posted by theplotchickens at 3:19 AM on December 27, 2011
Limit your interactions with people who suck the life out of you. Once when I was visiting family, all they were doing was complaining so I just left the room. It was a small thing but it felt empowering to take control of the situation that much. Small steps make it easier to take larger ones.
No, it doesn't sound like you're a softie. You actually sound kind of like me. I'm the 3rd kid in a family of four kids. Physically, I'm smaller than my siblings and I'm arguably more sensitive. I've always related to Piglet from the Winnie the Pooh books.
Noticing these things is the first step. The next is to realize that you can't change people but you can change how you relate to them. My brother is one of my favorite people and I like to think he likes me too. However, he did not get anyone in our family anything for Christmas. He said that he wanted to get us things for Christmas after so that way he can have things mailed to us instead of forcing us to figure out how to pack gifts in our luggage when we travel. Whatever. The point is, I can't make him get me a Christmas present. I can tell him what I'd like for Christmas in a variety of price ranges. I can ask him about Christmas shopping, remind him that Christmas is coming, ask him if he got our father a present yet, etc. I can give him a nice gift for Christmas. But that's it.
You can also pay attention to how you relate to your family. It's hard to see but when my husband comes home with me, it's easier for me to see how, when I'm with my family, I still act like the little sister. You don't have to act like the youngest. That's not to say you should act like a jerk but pay attention to the way you relate to your siblings. Don't bring up things that happened years ago between you unless it's actually relevant. People mature and change as they grow up. Find out who you and your siblings and your parents are *now* rather than being lazy and thinking of who you and they used to be.
Finally, broaden your horizons. I know this is tough because I've never owned a car so it was hard for me to get out of the house but figure out a way to do it. It's one of the healthiest things you can do. Do you have a laptop? Can you go work from a coffee shop for part of the day? I know you'll have to pay for coffee but just get a coffee or tea and consider the cost an investment in yourself. No coffee shop? What about the library? What are your interests? Somehow I became interested in human rights and Amnesty International. It was wonderful for me because it inspired me to learn about how people live all over the world.
And by all means, if you can move out, I think it'd be a really good idea. If you can't rent an apartment, see if you can rent a room in a house. Or save up and move someplace you've always wanted to check out (Albuquerque? Austin? Portland?)
Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 11:40 AM on December 27, 2011
No, it doesn't sound like you're a softie. You actually sound kind of like me. I'm the 3rd kid in a family of four kids. Physically, I'm smaller than my siblings and I'm arguably more sensitive. I've always related to Piglet from the Winnie the Pooh books.
Noticing these things is the first step. The next is to realize that you can't change people but you can change how you relate to them. My brother is one of my favorite people and I like to think he likes me too. However, he did not get anyone in our family anything for Christmas. He said that he wanted to get us things for Christmas after so that way he can have things mailed to us instead of forcing us to figure out how to pack gifts in our luggage when we travel. Whatever. The point is, I can't make him get me a Christmas present. I can tell him what I'd like for Christmas in a variety of price ranges. I can ask him about Christmas shopping, remind him that Christmas is coming, ask him if he got our father a present yet, etc. I can give him a nice gift for Christmas. But that's it.
You can also pay attention to how you relate to your family. It's hard to see but when my husband comes home with me, it's easier for me to see how, when I'm with my family, I still act like the little sister. You don't have to act like the youngest. That's not to say you should act like a jerk but pay attention to the way you relate to your siblings. Don't bring up things that happened years ago between you unless it's actually relevant. People mature and change as they grow up. Find out who you and your siblings and your parents are *now* rather than being lazy and thinking of who you and they used to be.
Finally, broaden your horizons. I know this is tough because I've never owned a car so it was hard for me to get out of the house but figure out a way to do it. It's one of the healthiest things you can do. Do you have a laptop? Can you go work from a coffee shop for part of the day? I know you'll have to pay for coffee but just get a coffee or tea and consider the cost an investment in yourself. No coffee shop? What about the library? What are your interests? Somehow I became interested in human rights and Amnesty International. It was wonderful for me because it inspired me to learn about how people live all over the world.
And by all means, if you can move out, I think it'd be a really good idea. If you can't rent an apartment, see if you can rent a room in a house. Or save up and move someplace you've always wanted to check out (Albuquerque? Austin? Portland?)
Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 11:40 AM on December 27, 2011
« Older How do I rebound from being fired? | What's a good bar to work from in downtown Seattle... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
If the answers to the big questions I just asked are "no," then it's a tougher battle but there are smaller ways to try to cope. Stop picking drug addicts for friends. Stop hanging out with current unpleasant "friends." Meet new friends by developing your hobbies and finding people with similar, non-drug interests.
Also, communicate with your family. If no one ever saying good morning to you first is bringing you down, tell your family that it would really make a big difference to you if they could do you this courtesy. Tell them you know it probably seems like nothing to them but it means a lot to you. If you expect them to read your mind, you're going to be disappointed.
Set boundaries. Model the behavior you want them to develop. Do not participate in their negativity, bitching, bad news and backstabbing and leave the room when it starts. Encourage good conversations by participating wholeheartedly.
posted by vegartanipla at 8:10 PM on December 26, 2011 [5 favorites]