Long distance relationship fizzled out, because of distance. Do I move to salvage it?
December 25, 2011 6:30 PM Subscribe
My relationship broke down because of the distance. Can it be salvaged, or do I just let it be?
posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I've been turning this over in my mind for the last six months and it has caused me a lot of pain. I'm no closer to finding a resolution to the situation or coming to terms with it. After endlessly consulting my friends who are now tired of listening to me and whom have their own problems, I put myself at the mercy of the internet and ask whether anyone with a degree of detachment could give me advice.
I was happy in a long distance relationship for 18 months. We dated growing up, together in our teens and properly together last year. I did the majority of the travelling. This was fine with me. Things were going well, for both of us. We began to discuss moving to the same city. I was keen to do so, being stuck in a rut, careerwise and in terms of my social life. It would have been a good move for me I think. Thinking we would be living together I was initially keen. Later I realised I would be expected to live either alone or in a flatshare with someone and I began to be reluctant, as I have a comfortable living situation. I was happy to continue until we could move in together. My partner was less happy about this and found the distance difficult. I ignored warning signs.
We began to bicker and have pointless disagreements because of the strain distance placed on our relationships. These weren't major but cumulatively they became irritating. Seeing each other weekends meant that small issues were magnified, my partner was living life in a new city and get their career going. I felt hassled into moving to a situation I felt was perhaps rather one sided. I believe my partner didn't feel I was committed enough to her. I don't think I made it clear enough that my reluctance was purely situational. I also know now that I came across as a fraud, because it didn't appear that I was looking for with in this new city. In reality I was, but it was difficult for me to both find decent work and to reconcile leaving a relatively well paid job and living with very good friends, to taking the first job that came up and living in a new city in a less then ideal situation because I felt forced into it. I was reluctant to move and I believe this began to show.
Eventually my partner began to read a lot deeper into a few issues than she should have. A passing remark one day that I'd like to know if she wanted to have children was interpreted as me being desperate for children. I'm not, I don't currently believe I will ever want them, and explaining this seemed like backtracking. We had other areas in which were differed but these weren't big issues. We couldn't work on them, because the time we had together was brief. These were not reasons I would agree with, I think we were very well matched, different but complementary. I think it was purely the long distance strain that made these small problems loom large. I think it was also the shadow cast by my reluctance to move that made us seem incompatible to her. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I don't think there were good reasons for us not to work, but I don't want to say I'm right and she's wrong, her reasons are her own.
Eventually she said we should have a break for a few weeks. This was ok with me, I thought it could work, but we met a few times, got drunk and you know the rest. This didn't help.
I'm stuck in limbo now. My friends tells me to move on. Maybe I should. I love her, she did love me, I fully intended my life would be with her and her with me. Now I am torturing myself every minute, wondering what would have happened had I moved. I have mentioned to her I would do whatever I could to try and make this work. She was not interested, telling me not to move for her, because we wouldn't be together again.
FarTLDR: Do I move to try and salvage a relationship which was so good but fizzled out because of distance, or do I carry on trying to let it go? Just to be clear, I am of sound mind and highly conscious of her feelings and happiness, I would not do anything that would make her unhappy, intentionally or recklessly. And if the answer is move on, how do I do this?