If kids play well together, mom will have more free time. Is this too much to ask?
December 23, 2011 11:28 PM Subscribe
Three young kids fighting for mom's attention and fight among themselves. Busy mom wants tips on how to let them play better together and be more considerate of mom's overwhelming work to do to run the household.
People here are nice. So I am going to ask parenting advice here. When you are a mom with three young kids and all of them want and fight for your attention all the time. They are all self-centered due to their young age. I often feel frustrated when they talk to me at the same time and with the little one holding onto my legs asking me to hold him. They all want to have a good time themselves. For example, the oldest wants to play with her school friends or wants mom to help with her projects. the middle one wants mom to play with her or read books, the little one wants mom to only pay attention to him. How can I let them play with each other nicely, so that I can take a break or spend more time watching them interact to learn more about them. How to help them building better relationship among themselves. What kind of game do you recommend. What to you say to let kids know that they can't be too self-centered? On weekend, I am thinking of hosting family meetings that everybody spend time to talk, do family activities, plan vacation, do projects together etc. Do you have good tips on how to do this? Good books on this? A related and different question is how to communicate with husband on kids issues. Some things can't be discussed when the kids are around like how to discipline them, how to be consistent between mom and dad. But we often can't find time to do this. email each other? Any tips on this?
People here are nice. So I am going to ask parenting advice here. When you are a mom with three young kids and all of them want and fight for your attention all the time. They are all self-centered due to their young age. I often feel frustrated when they talk to me at the same time and with the little one holding onto my legs asking me to hold him. They all want to have a good time themselves. For example, the oldest wants to play with her school friends or wants mom to help with her projects. the middle one wants mom to play with her or read books, the little one wants mom to only pay attention to him. How can I let them play with each other nicely, so that I can take a break or spend more time watching them interact to learn more about them. How to help them building better relationship among themselves. What kind of game do you recommend. What to you say to let kids know that they can't be too self-centered? On weekend, I am thinking of hosting family meetings that everybody spend time to talk, do family activities, plan vacation, do projects together etc. Do you have good tips on how to do this? Good books on this? A related and different question is how to communicate with husband on kids issues. Some things can't be discussed when the kids are around like how to discipline them, how to be consistent between mom and dad. But we often can't find time to do this. email each other? Any tips on this?
Best answer: It would help to know how old the kids are, not least of all because it sounds like it would be helpful for you to know how long an average attention span for a child of each age is.
Busy mom wants tips on how to let them play better together and be more considerate of mom's overwhelming work to do to run the household.
Here's the thing: they are never going to be considerate of the work required to run the household, at least not for another 10 or 20 years. Young kids have a hierarchy of needs that is very different than that of adults, and Interact With Me is very, very high up on that ladder. The fact that they want your attention all of the time is pretty much developmentally right on track. They don't care if they don't have clean laundry; they do care if you are not playing with them.
Things you can do: wear the baby. This gives you two hands free to actually play with the kids. Family games are great (but sometimes heard with children of very different ages); just as important is that each kid gets one on one time with each parent. It can also be helpful if you involve them in what you're doing; they can help cook or set the table or sort clothes for laundry or whatever. It's slower and imperfect but they gain skills and have your attention and you have a lot of opportunity to tell them they are doing a great and helpful job. Depending on their ages, you can also talk to them while they are playing to engage them: "You are doing a great job with your blocks; how many yellow blocks are in your car? Does it have a name? Where is it going?"
I'm not saying this will turn your family into the Waltons; I am saying that if you make sure their need for focused attention is consistently part of how you build your day, it can ramp down perpetual crisis mode a bit.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:02 AM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Busy mom wants tips on how to let them play better together and be more considerate of mom's overwhelming work to do to run the household.
Here's the thing: they are never going to be considerate of the work required to run the household, at least not for another 10 or 20 years. Young kids have a hierarchy of needs that is very different than that of adults, and Interact With Me is very, very high up on that ladder. The fact that they want your attention all of the time is pretty much developmentally right on track. They don't care if they don't have clean laundry; they do care if you are not playing with them.
Things you can do: wear the baby. This gives you two hands free to actually play with the kids. Family games are great (but sometimes heard with children of very different ages); just as important is that each kid gets one on one time with each parent. It can also be helpful if you involve them in what you're doing; they can help cook or set the table or sort clothes for laundry or whatever. It's slower and imperfect but they gain skills and have your attention and you have a lot of opportunity to tell them they are doing a great and helpful job. Depending on their ages, you can also talk to them while they are playing to engage them: "You are doing a great job with your blocks; how many yellow blocks are in your car? Does it have a name? Where is it going?"
I'm not saying this will turn your family into the Waltons; I am saying that if you make sure their need for focused attention is consistently part of how you build your day, it can ramp down perpetual crisis mode a bit.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:02 AM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
I have 3 kids 31 months apart top to bottom. Three in diapers at one point, now all in high school. First, we explained to them that we were not referees or judges. We would not be holding trials of he saud she said. Second, we set specific criteria for when and how we would be involved in their play. Without setting limits, there are no limits. Third, we incented them to play nicely with each other. "If you three can play nicely for the next 25 minutes while I start dinner, we can have extra fruit for dessert.". Fourth, as they got a little older, we made them play outside together. It gave them exercise, fresh air and a reason to work together even if it was exploring the 20 yards of woods in our backyard. They built branch forts in summer and snow forts in winter. We also limited tv to an hour per night after dinner. It forced them to either play well, read or sit quietly. They had each other as playmates, not us. Weekends we would do family events like hiking or shopping or some sporting event.
As they get older, put them to work helping. One would help me cook dinner while another would sort dirty laundry colors and whites while the third brushed the cats.
Tire them out and put them down early.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:56 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
As they get older, put them to work helping. One would help me cook dinner while another would sort dirty laundry colors and whites while the third brushed the cats.
Tire them out and put them down early.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:56 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Here's ten minutes of peace: read aloud.
My friends with multiple kids all seem to love read-aloud time. Mom models this by doing a family read-aloud. Mom chooses the book. (You might find snack time a good time to do this, and start with a picture book for the baby. Baby may lose interest in what you're doing, but may be happily occupied with Cheerios or what have you while the older kids' book is read). As it becomes age appropriate, the older kids are then given the opportunity to read to the younger ones for short times. This helps with their own reading fluency, models appropriate behavior to the younger ones, and fosters the bond between the siblings. The younger kids are generally very anxious to become readers themselves so they can have a turn being the reader! Non-readers can still "read" a book with the baby, with supervision.
Parent's job is to make sure this is fun and interesting, not just a chore. The parent less actively engaged in the reading participates by asking the kids as a group what they're reading, what it's about, "what's your favorite part?" Try to lead the kids into discussing it with one another in a non-argumentative way.
As the kids become independent readers, many opportunities for family book discussions will present themselves: "What are you reading now? Would you recommend it to *sibling*? Why?"
Reading aloud feels to the listeners as though they're each getting attention. And even though you're not getting household chores done, you are sitting quietly for a few minutes! As a mom, that's a pretty precious commodity. You're also getting that literacy bonus, and reinforcing reading as a positive experience. SCORE!
On another topic: The ten minute tidy-up (you might start with five minutes, depending on the age of the kids). Get a big, visible count-down timer. Set it for five minutes. Explain to the kids that "It's time for the FIVE MINUTE TIDY-UP!" Play loud, energetic music. Sing at the top of your lungs, encouraging them to do the same, and go into a tidy-up frenzy. This is the time for all the toys to rush home, books to reshelve, tub to be wiped down, dirty clothes to fling themselves into the wash, etc. It's amazing how much of the superficial-yet-really-bothersome mess that grinds down your day can be picked up in 5 minutes. Even if they're not really helping much in the beginning, at least for those 5 minutes they're not making it worse! This also will lay the groundwork for the idea that "if I get this out, I'm going to have to put it back later" that will come so in handy for you when they're teens! Even toddlers can manage to put a toy back into a toy box. Lots of praise for everybody's work, and a tasty snack or a cuddle afterward!
posted by theplotchickens at 2:57 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
My friends with multiple kids all seem to love read-aloud time. Mom models this by doing a family read-aloud. Mom chooses the book. (You might find snack time a good time to do this, and start with a picture book for the baby. Baby may lose interest in what you're doing, but may be happily occupied with Cheerios or what have you while the older kids' book is read). As it becomes age appropriate, the older kids are then given the opportunity to read to the younger ones for short times. This helps with their own reading fluency, models appropriate behavior to the younger ones, and fosters the bond between the siblings. The younger kids are generally very anxious to become readers themselves so they can have a turn being the reader! Non-readers can still "read" a book with the baby, with supervision.
Parent's job is to make sure this is fun and interesting, not just a chore. The parent less actively engaged in the reading participates by asking the kids as a group what they're reading, what it's about, "what's your favorite part?" Try to lead the kids into discussing it with one another in a non-argumentative way.
As the kids become independent readers, many opportunities for family book discussions will present themselves: "What are you reading now? Would you recommend it to *sibling*? Why?"
Reading aloud feels to the listeners as though they're each getting attention. And even though you're not getting household chores done, you are sitting quietly for a few minutes! As a mom, that's a pretty precious commodity. You're also getting that literacy bonus, and reinforcing reading as a positive experience. SCORE!
On another topic: The ten minute tidy-up (you might start with five minutes, depending on the age of the kids). Get a big, visible count-down timer. Set it for five minutes. Explain to the kids that "It's time for the FIVE MINUTE TIDY-UP!" Play loud, energetic music. Sing at the top of your lungs, encouraging them to do the same, and go into a tidy-up frenzy. This is the time for all the toys to rush home, books to reshelve, tub to be wiped down, dirty clothes to fling themselves into the wash, etc. It's amazing how much of the superficial-yet-really-bothersome mess that grinds down your day can be picked up in 5 minutes. Even if they're not really helping much in the beginning, at least for those 5 minutes they're not making it worse! This also will lay the groundwork for the idea that "if I get this out, I'm going to have to put it back later" that will come so in handy for you when they're teens! Even toddlers can manage to put a toy back into a toy box. Lots of praise for everybody's work, and a tasty snack or a cuddle afterward!
posted by theplotchickens at 2:57 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
The world might be different now and I'm not sure where you live, but we spent a lot of time playing outside with our friends. Our parents definitely didn't even entertain the idea that they were there for our entertainment (sorry for repeated word). Not sure if it's the healthiest way to raise kids emotionally but it certainly freed up some time for my mother.
posted by bquarters at 4:28 AM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by bquarters at 4:28 AM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not a mom, but if I were I'd want to be like my friend, who with her husband was excellent at raising self-sufficient, happy kids. As soon as the children were capable of understanding simple instructions they were treated like vital parts of the family team; nothing was ever defined as mom's or dad's job, but a family task. Anyone in the zone of a task helped with it unless already working on something else. When the kids were really young that meant tasks took longer (as they were given very simple "jobs") but it built in them a natural cooperation and work ethic. The brilliant thing is that they were only occasionally *called in* to help; if they were playing (or doing homework, or just daydreaming) out of a housework zone, that was their "work" as kids. They quickly absorbed that when stuff needed doing, they either helped or got out of the way. Once daily tasks were completed and Mom and Dad had a bit of down time, they all hung out together talking/playing/gardening/reading or whatever, as a family.
By the time my friend's daughter was 5, she could play by herself for long stretches, fix herself snacks, dress herself, and put herself to bed. This was also true for her younger brother. Both learned early that coming to Mom or Dad bored or fighting meant work, so they allied in defense of their borders from Superpower incursion like small countries tend to do.
My friend's parenting method took coequal housework and parenting time with her husband, close engagement in the family time they did all spend together, and a lot of easygoing humor. They were genuinely happy together, one of the best families I've ever known (and at the time broke as hell, so their garden/projects/diy home improvement tasks were also a way to thrive on very little). If I'd had kids, their parenting style would be my model.
posted by melissa may at 4:54 AM on December 24, 2011 [31 favorites]
By the time my friend's daughter was 5, she could play by herself for long stretches, fix herself snacks, dress herself, and put herself to bed. This was also true for her younger brother. Both learned early that coming to Mom or Dad bored or fighting meant work, so they allied in defense of their borders from Superpower incursion like small countries tend to do.
My friend's parenting method took coequal housework and parenting time with her husband, close engagement in the family time they did all spend together, and a lot of easygoing humor. They were genuinely happy together, one of the best families I've ever known (and at the time broke as hell, so their garden/projects/diy home improvement tasks were also a way to thrive on very little). If I'd had kids, their parenting style would be my model.
posted by melissa may at 4:54 AM on December 24, 2011 [31 favorites]
Best answer: JohnnyGunn's got some great advice. Not refereeing is a biggie, especially as they get older. I must have told my two "work it out together, you can do it" a thousand times -- and every scuffle that I have gotten in the middle of ended up being much more dramatic than the ones they worked out among themselves, because it involved that weird dynamic of them trying to get me to choose one of them over the other.
Routines are really important. If they know that dinner-prep is always followed by a cuddle on the couch with a story read aloud, then they will handle the wait better. Same with other household chores or your daily shower/private time, or anything else. You may bristle at the boring predictability of the routines, but routines and rituals give them a sense of security. When they know what to expect, they will be less anxious and needy.
I would also suggest age-appropriate variations on "date night." Try to spend one-on-one time with each child often. It can be just a walk around the block, stopping for french fries with kid2 after dropping off kid1 at karate, sorting socks with the oldest while the younger two nap, etc. Or it can be a bigger deal. My brother has 3 close in age including one with special needs, and he has an occasional "Maddie-Daddy-Day" with his oldest. He also coaches the littlest one's soccer team, so they have special rituals too, like slurpee-time after practice and kicking the ball around the backyard.
The other thing I would suggest is lowering your standards with regard to keeping house. Clean the bathroom with a quick wipe-down using baby wipes while the little one is taking a bath. Dinner doesn't have to be elaborate. We used to have regular "make your own sandwich" nights, where preparing dinner meant spooning tuna, peanut butter, and hummus into bowls and putting out a plate of bread, celery sticks, and deli meats/cheese. The boys ate very messy ants-on-a-log for dinner, but it was stress free and fun.
Let them help as much as possible, especially with laundry and cooking. I promise you that the amount of laundry you're doing now is nothing compared to what you'll see when they are teenagers! Mine are 16 and 17 and they do their own, thank goodness!
I will tell you this, when you are frustrated and tired and overwhelmed, even though it's a cliche: it goes very fast. I have two amazing teenagers -- young men --- living in my house, but I really miss my babies.
posted by headnsouth at 5:24 AM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Routines are really important. If they know that dinner-prep is always followed by a cuddle on the couch with a story read aloud, then they will handle the wait better. Same with other household chores or your daily shower/private time, or anything else. You may bristle at the boring predictability of the routines, but routines and rituals give them a sense of security. When they know what to expect, they will be less anxious and needy.
I would also suggest age-appropriate variations on "date night." Try to spend one-on-one time with each child often. It can be just a walk around the block, stopping for french fries with kid2 after dropping off kid1 at karate, sorting socks with the oldest while the younger two nap, etc. Or it can be a bigger deal. My brother has 3 close in age including one with special needs, and he has an occasional "Maddie-Daddy-Day" with his oldest. He also coaches the littlest one's soccer team, so they have special rituals too, like slurpee-time after practice and kicking the ball around the backyard.
The other thing I would suggest is lowering your standards with regard to keeping house. Clean the bathroom with a quick wipe-down using baby wipes while the little one is taking a bath. Dinner doesn't have to be elaborate. We used to have regular "make your own sandwich" nights, where preparing dinner meant spooning tuna, peanut butter, and hummus into bowls and putting out a plate of bread, celery sticks, and deli meats/cheese. The boys ate very messy ants-on-a-log for dinner, but it was stress free and fun.
Let them help as much as possible, especially with laundry and cooking. I promise you that the amount of laundry you're doing now is nothing compared to what you'll see when they are teenagers! Mine are 16 and 17 and they do their own, thank goodness!
I will tell you this, when you are frustrated and tired and overwhelmed, even though it's a cliche: it goes very fast. I have two amazing teenagers -- young men --- living in my house, but I really miss my babies.
posted by headnsouth at 5:24 AM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Ooh and I forgot this --- you have to be consistent. If the little one is hanging onto your ankles whining for attention while you're trying to get dinner started, and you don't want to pick him up, then you have to NEVER EVER EVER PICK HIM UP when you are fixing dinner. In fact, make the kitchen a NO-PICKING-UP ZONE. Remember that he is in it to win it. If you do it, even once, then from that moment on he will hang on for dear life and whine endlessly because he knows he can wear you down. They are wily creatures.
posted by headnsouth at 5:33 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by headnsouth at 5:33 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
If my niece and nephew come to my brother with "he said, she said" arguments or just wanting a referee who ever came and bothered the parents with a problem they could fix themselves gets a time out. They started this young and now the kids only bother the parents when there is something serious and the parents know so will give the kids time. Having said that they live in a climate where kicking your kids out the back yard to play almost year around is possible and kids get to go and play with other kids in the street still. I know that's not as common over in the US.
Other things that worked for them, have a definite time when the parents do spend time with the kids, so after dinner when all the washing up is done they sit on the couch and hang out and talk and play. Kids also like to help with jobs when young, so my SIL took full advantage of that and actually would rope the kids into help they soon learnt that going to bother mum with the I'm Boreds meant you were sweeping up crumbs off the floor or drying dishes or whatever jobs where within their skill levels. Her words were we are a team, I am not their servant, if they want to spend time with me right now they can help me. They now have 2 very self sufficient kids that can entertain themselves and get themselves ready in the morning and do basic household jobs at the ages of 10 & 12. I've meant college students who couldn't manage that.
posted by wwax at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Other things that worked for them, have a definite time when the parents do spend time with the kids, so after dinner when all the washing up is done they sit on the couch and hang out and talk and play. Kids also like to help with jobs when young, so my SIL took full advantage of that and actually would rope the kids into help they soon learnt that going to bother mum with the I'm Boreds meant you were sweeping up crumbs off the floor or drying dishes or whatever jobs where within their skill levels. Her words were we are a team, I am not their servant, if they want to spend time with me right now they can help me. They now have 2 very self sufficient kids that can entertain themselves and get themselves ready in the morning and do basic household jobs at the ages of 10 & 12. I've meant college students who couldn't manage that.
posted by wwax at 6:07 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
There were five kids in my family. My parents didn't play with us, ever. They didn't referee either. We learned pretty early on that crying, fighting and asking for assistance resulted in unpleasantness. Back when families had only one TV, fighting over what to watch resulted in the TV being turned off. Fighting over who was cheating, not taking turns or not playing fair resulted in the game being taken away. General squabbling resulted in rooms having to be cleaned, trash emptied, sheets changed, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, leaves raked. (My mother was a neatnik and with 5 kids, there was an infinite list of tasks she could come up with without blinking guaranteed to make you regret your complaining.) The chores were age appropriate, the baby having to pick up toys and the bigger kids, the dishes or something (depending on who all was being a pain in the ass).
My parents didn't negotiate or want to hear your side of things. Whining that brother always cheats at Monopoly would just result in my father saying that I shouldn't play Monopoly with him. We learned that we had to get along or we wouldn't get to play at all. We're all good at cooperation and building consensus now.
posted by shoesietart at 7:01 AM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
My parents didn't negotiate or want to hear your side of things. Whining that brother always cheats at Monopoly would just result in my father saying that I shouldn't play Monopoly with him. We learned that we had to get along or we wouldn't get to play at all. We're all good at cooperation and building consensus now.
posted by shoesietart at 7:01 AM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
I feel your pain. It will get better. Try to find some time and space just for you, even if it just once a week, having coffee at a coffee shop all alone. Don't feel guilty about using television. 30 minutes in front of the tv (you choose the program, not the children or they will argue) will give you time to cook.
I am a single mother of 3 children. I have them full time. They are now 14, 8 and 5. They still all want to talk to me all at once.
Think about when you go to a party with people you don't know really well. You know that awkward feeling you get, where you don't know where to stand or sit, who to talk to? That's how kids can feel when they don't know their place in the household.
What I have noticed with my children is that they are clingiest when they don't really know their place in the household. Once those roles are established (and reminded) then they are fine.
My oldest is the only boy in the house. His role is to do the man chores. Once I got him used to taking out the trash and doing yard work, he relaxed a lot. He does these things without complaint and he knows that if he comes to me whiny and bored I will suggest chores to him.
My girls play together wonderfully. Their place in the household is as sisters. I team them up for everything. They love to dress alike and share toys. They do get on each others nerves some times and argue. I only intervene when someone hits.
My place is the mother. What I say goes. I get time to myself that they have to respect. I tell then that I am a person too. I get to eat. I get to sleep. I get to go to the bathroom without anyone in there (this is after age 3).
Children do what you expect them to do and they mirror your behavior. If they are crazy out of control then you have to fix yourself before you can fix them.
Take time for yourself. Demand it. If your husband doesn't agree then tough luck, do it anyway. You have to be a whole person before you can give effectively.
To be the best mom ever you have to take care of yourself too.
posted by myselfasme at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
I am a single mother of 3 children. I have them full time. They are now 14, 8 and 5. They still all want to talk to me all at once.
Think about when you go to a party with people you don't know really well. You know that awkward feeling you get, where you don't know where to stand or sit, who to talk to? That's how kids can feel when they don't know their place in the household.
What I have noticed with my children is that they are clingiest when they don't really know their place in the household. Once those roles are established (and reminded) then they are fine.
My oldest is the only boy in the house. His role is to do the man chores. Once I got him used to taking out the trash and doing yard work, he relaxed a lot. He does these things without complaint and he knows that if he comes to me whiny and bored I will suggest chores to him.
My girls play together wonderfully. Their place in the household is as sisters. I team them up for everything. They love to dress alike and share toys. They do get on each others nerves some times and argue. I only intervene when someone hits.
My place is the mother. What I say goes. I get time to myself that they have to respect. I tell then that I am a person too. I get to eat. I get to sleep. I get to go to the bathroom without anyone in there (this is after age 3).
Children do what you expect them to do and they mirror your behavior. If they are crazy out of control then you have to fix yourself before you can fix them.
Take time for yourself. Demand it. If your husband doesn't agree then tough luck, do it anyway. You have to be a whole person before you can give effectively.
To be the best mom ever you have to take care of yourself too.
posted by myselfasme at 7:05 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
All of the advice here is great! I'll add, let them see you doing things for yourself, by yourself. When they are occupied (and as noted above, in the course of a regular routine), make a big fuss about gathering yourself for your own mini-project. Whether it's having a cuppa and phone conversation with a friend, checking in to MeFi, or painting your toenails, protect that 15 minutes (working up to half hour and I know how nearly impossible it is!). It will take some time to train 'em, because of course the second they see you sitting down to your own thing they'll drop whatever they are doing like it's hot and pull at you. But just keep repeating your mantra,
"This is Mama's minutes, you go back to what you were doing". It won't work for a while, but it will eventually!
posted by thinkpiece at 7:09 AM on December 24, 2011
"This is Mama's minutes, you go back to what you were doing". It won't work for a while, but it will eventually!
posted by thinkpiece at 7:09 AM on December 24, 2011
On preview, what myselfasme (eponymous-delight, btw) is right on -- you get to eat, you get to rest a sec, you get to have a conversation!
posted by thinkpiece at 7:11 AM on December 24, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 7:11 AM on December 24, 2011
Addressing the fighting amongst the children: One tool that I have used to eliminate squabbling is "Leader Day". Eldest Child has odd calendar days (1,5,7,11, etc). Middle Child has even calendar days (2,4,8,10,14, etc). Last Child has all days divisible by 3 (3,6,9,12,15, etc). On those days, the Leader gets to, for example, choose which music gets played, choose who gets a bath first, choose who gets to put the last piece in the puzzle, choose who pushes the elevator button at the department store, etc. The child who protested would be reminded that "tomorrow (or the next day) is YOUR leader day and YOU get to choose on that day." With my kids, it squashed a lot of fights. If they were fighting over a toy, and I had to step in to arbitrate, the Leader Day child would get to play with the toy first, and the other one would get his turn next. It was soothing for them to know that another day it would be their turn to be Leader. It was easy and calm for me to make decisions in wide variety of situations.
posted by molasses at 7:51 AM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by molasses at 7:51 AM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
*nthing myselfasme, I have three (11,8,3) and allowing everyone in the house to be a priority over me has been very detrimental to everyone. I can't have a shower without the little one hopping in and EVERY time I try to eat someone wants a drink. It goes back to the askme mantra, teach others how to treat you. So now I am being much more firm about saying no and explaining why. It is hard but my current "always available mummy" mode is unsustainable. My husband and I currently communicate almost exclusively through email; in a healthy relationship though you SHOULD be having time alone, a weekly date night and weekends away together.
I haven't had the problem of squabbling, not that I have the secret there, maybe it is merely a function of my children's ages and temperament? I do spend time alone with each child on a regular basis.
posted by saucysault at 7:58 AM on December 24, 2011
I haven't had the problem of squabbling, not that I have the secret there, maybe it is merely a function of my children's ages and temperament? I do spend time alone with each child on a regular basis.
posted by saucysault at 7:58 AM on December 24, 2011
Try breaking the day down into small periods for them to manage themselves. "For the next 30 minutes, here are three things you can do. You choose. I'll see you when the clock says XYZ. OK, 30 minutes has passed. Now, for the next 30, you can do..."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:26 AM on December 24, 2011
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:26 AM on December 24, 2011
My own children are both still pretty small, but carving out some time for each of them to have some undivided attention has so far been really valuable. When they are a little older, I'd like to re-establish one of the traditions from my childhood: every week we had to have our rooms clean by noon on Saturday. The reward then would be that each Saturday my dad would take one of us out to lunch, rotating among me and my sisters for some one-on-one time. Even though it worked out to once every three or four weeks, it was a huge incentive and a really special time, and something I still remember very clearly, and fondly, many decades later.
The thing that really comes through from your question is how demanding small children are. On one level there really isn't a lot to do about that-it's the nature of child-rearing- but it's always easier for me to manage when I've had enough sleep and exercise. So I'm seconding the "take some time for yourself" sentiment. Put your own oxygen mask on first, as they say, then take care of your children.
posted by ambrosia at 9:11 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
The thing that really comes through from your question is how demanding small children are. On one level there really isn't a lot to do about that-it's the nature of child-rearing- but it's always easier for me to manage when I've had enough sleep and exercise. So I'm seconding the "take some time for yourself" sentiment. Put your own oxygen mask on first, as they say, then take care of your children.
posted by ambrosia at 9:11 AM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have 3 kids (6, almost 4, and 2) and have the same issues. Great advice above, so I'll add this: it makes a difference to know how your kids are wired deep down. My 6YO read early and loves to communicate via notes and signs, so usually I'll chat or read with her, write little notes for her, and keep up communication that way. My middle one needs tons of physical touch, so I'll make sure to hug and kiss her when I pass her or say "I need a hug from you!" and she can snuggle for a few secs and feel really loved just as she needs it. My baby is 2 and is a total jokester. So joking around with him and tickling him and fooling around is I guess his toddler love language. I try to frontload a few mins with each child in the mornings, just us. Crafts they can do together (even just coloring) gets me no more than 5 mins at a blow, but I have learned to get stuff done in 30-sec spurts if needed. (No sitter, no housecleaner, and I'm a writer who works from home.)
I think it's really, really important to avoid passive takeback of mommy time. In other words, our rule is that once Mommy sits down to eat, no one gets anything else until I get up. I usually warn them "okay, mommy is about to sit down!" and they all know what that means. It's a hard and fast rule! ...Much better than plaintive whining on my part like "can't you see that I need to eat too?! Don't I get time in the bathroom to myself?!?" etc etc. At that age, they just don't give a damn what your needs are. It's ridiculous to expect them to.
A few things that have helped me reduce squabbles and lighten some housecleaning burdens:
- the kids all use our master bath 95% of the time. This means our hall bath is nearly always clean for guests or just needs a quick swipe with a clorox wipe
- buy 3 swiffer dusters and let the kids dust. Ditto with using a swiffer for the floor or handvac under the dining table.
- give them room time every afternoon after lunch or before dinner, when they usually start to squabble at our house. Even 20 mins is wonderful.
- I've started to say "s don't do that." -- for example, other kids may squabble, but "WE treat our sisters with respect and ask to share." Inculcate a sense of family honor, of doing the right thing by each other, of looking for ways to make life better for each other. Over time of course!
- We have a notebook in the kitchen where I write down all the sweet things they do for each other. I'll write: "Sister 1 was so kind to Sister 2 -- she helped her buckle her seatbelt in the car!" or "Sister 2 was kind and helped Brother up when he fell on the sidewalk." They LOVE THIS and even volunteer information about their siblings for me to write down. I'll say "I am so proud of you- this shows me you are being a very big girl" (not good, but *big*). Some days you may have to almost make up something good, but this really works to encourage kindness and sharing.
- lots and lots of outdoor time helps them get the wiggles out and gives you peace when you come home. Have vigorous time outdoors and then they'll play quietly for a bit and let you get something done!
- certain toys are not allowed in the house because they cause instant fighting, like balloons, most toy musical instruments, etc. I'm not about to buy 3 of everything, so we limit time on our kittycat keyboard with a timer.
- Timers are the Great Leveler -- use them for timeouts, enforced sharing of favorite chairs, toys, and cleanups.
- Get up an hour before the kids to think, plan and have your own quiet time. I can never depend on naptimes!
posted by mdiskin at 11:17 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
I think it's really, really important to avoid passive takeback of mommy time. In other words, our rule is that once Mommy sits down to eat, no one gets anything else until I get up. I usually warn them "okay, mommy is about to sit down!" and they all know what that means. It's a hard and fast rule! ...Much better than plaintive whining on my part like "can't you see that I need to eat too?! Don't I get time in the bathroom to myself?!?" etc etc. At that age, they just don't give a damn what your needs are. It's ridiculous to expect them to.
A few things that have helped me reduce squabbles and lighten some housecleaning burdens:
- the kids all use our master bath 95% of the time. This means our hall bath is nearly always clean for guests or just needs a quick swipe with a clorox wipe
- buy 3 swiffer dusters and let the kids dust. Ditto with using a swiffer for the floor or handvac under the dining table.
- give them room time every afternoon after lunch or before dinner, when they usually start to squabble at our house. Even 20 mins is wonderful.
- I've started to say "
- We have a notebook in the kitchen where I write down all the sweet things they do for each other. I'll write: "Sister 1 was so kind to Sister 2 -- she helped her buckle her seatbelt in the car!" or "Sister 2 was kind and helped Brother up when he fell on the sidewalk." They LOVE THIS and even volunteer information about their siblings for me to write down. I'll say "I am so proud of you- this shows me you are being a very big girl" (not good, but *big*). Some days you may have to almost make up something good, but this really works to encourage kindness and sharing.
- lots and lots of outdoor time helps them get the wiggles out and gives you peace when you come home. Have vigorous time outdoors and then they'll play quietly for a bit and let you get something done!
- certain toys are not allowed in the house because they cause instant fighting, like balloons, most toy musical instruments, etc. I'm not about to buy 3 of everything, so we limit time on our kittycat keyboard with a timer.
- Timers are the Great Leveler -- use them for timeouts, enforced sharing of favorite chairs, toys, and cleanups.
- Get up an hour before the kids to think, plan and have your own quiet time. I can never depend on naptimes!
posted by mdiskin at 11:17 AM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow,thanks, lots of useful tips and general advices. One main thing that clears my head is that don't think kids are cruel to be only focused on themselves, thinking that only makes me resent them especially my oldest one who's 9 yr old and I tend to hope that she can be more understanding, so I am especially angry with her when she's demanding. But she's still young and it's normal to behave the way she does. So instead of pointing it out to them that I feel that I am treated badly (like mdiskin wrote), focus on setting firm boundaries and rules and give them things to do, rewards to collect etc...
My younger ones are 3 and 1. The big age gap between the 9 yr old and the younger ones makes the 9 yr old the hardest to nurture at this point. I welcome specific tips on this. But I am optimistic at this point. It will be trial and error and never ending refinement of parenting skills. But respecting each other and channel the natural goodness in everyone for good use is the way to go, I think.
Many thanks!
posted by akomom at 11:08 AM on December 25, 2011
My younger ones are 3 and 1. The big age gap between the 9 yr old and the younger ones makes the 9 yr old the hardest to nurture at this point. I welcome specific tips on this. But I am optimistic at this point. It will be trial and error and never ending refinement of parenting skills. But respecting each other and channel the natural goodness in everyone for good use is the way to go, I think.
Many thanks!
posted by akomom at 11:08 AM on December 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
What ages are your three?
posted by anadem at 11:51 PM on December 23, 2011 [1 favorite]