How do you really get over someone after you may have had something? Special, long details inside.
So, I'm the same person who posted this
. To make a long story short, I and my boss' boss told everyone via e-mail, I got my own office, my supervisor hooked me up with a kind of social coach, and things have (more or less) died down and returned to normal. Ish.
But there is one thing about that whole mess that's been rankling me, and that's my office crush. While this question doesn't really deal with the same subject matter as the previous two, they do provide some much needed context.
I would have to say that I'd had a crush on him since my first day there. It's difficult to explain why, but his eyes had a large part to do with it. While not my supervisor, he is my superior, and is at the same level as my supervisor. He is married, although I don't know if it's happy (he only ever brings her up in passing), but I do know he has kids. He wears a shirt and tie most days, which I like, and he's really smart, which I also like. I think he's good-looking, even though he may not be so in a conventional sense. In those ways, he's sort of like my dream guy.
At first I would just say hi to him, but then a couple of months later, I started getting bolder. I'd go outside his office and talk with him about movies or whatever, but almost always during my lunch break. I would initiate these conversations. He would usually be working then, but he would take some time to talk to me. He seemed very pleasant during these conversations, and after a while, he'd approach me and start talking, instead of the other way around. He didn't really act this way at the time with my immediate co-workers. There were some occasions when he would even joke with me in the office, like, to tell me to stop making so much noise when I was actually quiet and doing my work. He always seemed pleasant and nice during these encounters, and that's what I was aiming for--to have him talk to me the same way I had seen him talk to some other people--like he was friends with them, or something. Like, more than the normal level of intimacy expected. I don't know, I can't seem to phrase it very well. I started to think, in a way, that maybe my feelings were reciprocated. I guess I thought maybe something would happen, like, he'd leave his wife for me, and then I'd leave the company and we'd get married, and I'd finally be able to pursue another career that I liked more, like publishing or radio or maybe even being a writer/critic. I seriously felt that maybe there was something there, and I actually really liked going to work during this period, because it meant talking to him.
(A note here: While I like the job, sometimes I feel underappreciated, and I feel sometimes like my intelligence isn't valued--especially after I made the disclosure. It is a lower-level admin-type position, and so I could be just a typical Gen Y-er, but still.)
But the entire point is, not once during that period did I ever really think that anything was amiss. It wasn't until everything in my first question happened that I knew something might be wrong. The day before everything happened, he came back from a week-long vacation. I said hi to him, and he didn't say hi back, and I knew he heard me. I got a little upset, and sure enough, the next day I was pulled into my supervisor's office. In a later conversation, she told me that standing outside his office, talking about random things, was inappropriate because he was my superior. When I told her that he was the only person I really could talk to there because he was nice, I was told that he is nice to everybody, and that I didn't get any special treatment. (This is true, but while he is nice, there was something a little different in the way he acted that made me think that maybe it was something special.) She also said, more or less, that because I have Asperger's I really shouldn't trust my initial instincts about these things. That really hurt. When I spoke to my counselor about this she interpreted it as kind of a clue that my supervisor knew who it was, even though it was never explicitly stated.
The point is, since then, he hasn't acted the same. He only really says hi to me every so often now, especially after I moved into an office and am not in an open plan where he can easily pass by and talk. I rarely get to ask him how he is, and when I do and he answers, he never asks me how I am. At least half the time he says it in a tone that's close to bitchy, and his face kind of matches at times, or that could be how he looks. I'm kind of bad at reading faces. While I've been good and haven't been standing outside his office, I also haven't gotten very many opportunities to talk to him, so I have no idea how he feels or how he could feel.
But what complicates this more is that around the time he got back from his vacation/the big disclosure, he also started work on a few very engrossing projects that are still ongoing. I've also heard people allude to things in his personal life (without going into detail). He was also one of the first higher-ups my supervisor told about the Asperger's, and I sometimes wonder if that maybe freaked him out. And, of course, there is the possibility that he somehow found out that I liked him and got scared.
(For the record, I don't know if my supervisor knows who it is. I recently asked her, because I was tired of all this and I really wanted to know, and she just said that it was ancient history, that she didn't remember, that she didn't want to remember, and that I should just move on.)
I'm kind of helping with one of his projects. While I like the tasks themselves, not only because I'm good at them but also because it's another way for him to potentially notice me and maybe talk to me again, it's seeing him talk to other people that gets me very sad. It just makes me think of what we used to have, and I get so sad, and I cry. I cry every day now--in my office with the door open, in the bathroom, when I'm near him, on the subway, on the bus. Even if people shirk away uncomfortably, I can't seem to help it--I just hurt too much and the pain has no place else to go.
I know I'm putting too much on this guy. I know that I should get over him. I know I should try to find what he maybe represents for me and try to replicate that. While I've done the first bit--he represents a normal life, the life I'd like to have--I can't replicate that because I'm not sure if anyone would ever want to be with a girl with Asperger's. As for getting over him, I've tried pretty much everything under the sun that should work according to past AskMe posts--meetups, trying to meet someone new via online dating, book clubs, reading, etc., etc., etc. I even told my counselor once that I'm not even sure if I want to get over him--I may just want things to return to the way they were. But I don't know why he's acting like this, so I don't know if that's even possible. Why? How can I get things back to the way they were? I just hurt so much.
I'm not sure if anyone here can tell me why he's acting this way. If you can, that's great. But I just want the pain to stop, and maybe get over him enough to at least be a little more cheerful when I'm around him and doing stuff for him, and so when he talks to me again, it will be just another pleasant thing in my life. Oh, and to do all this without getting fired. Thanks in advance. Sorry if this is a little unclear though--I am a bit distraught.