How can I come off like an adult when I feel like a nothing.

December 21, 2011 6:01 PM

How do you tell your employer you're dealing with depression?

I have been working from home maybe once a week for the past few months on days when I can't get out of bed in the morning. It's nice, I can still perform most of my job functions without having to hide crying in the bathroom (which happens almost daily) and I can step away from the computer when I need to lay down for a while and regroup.

Today I got a sternly-worded email basically calling me out on working from home at the last minute and not being prepared with a certain file. I wasn't working with that file today (nor was I expected to be, but my boss [also teleworking] wanted it and I couldn't get to it for him). He's right, of couse, I have been abusing my privileges by deciding to do it the day-of most of the time. However, I feel like I should explain that I'm not lazy and slack-prone, I just can't deal with the office sometimes. Is there a polite way to say this? Is there a way I can imply that I'm in shambles without coming out and saying it? Have you done it? How did it go?

I have been at the position for between a year and a half and two years now, I keep to myself at the office and don't have work friends that can pass it along. My boss is a good guy and I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position (or worst of all, cry in front of him). He isn't going to fire me, but he requested that we meet to talk about a teleworking plan after the holidays and I'd like to be prepared with what I have to say.

Demographics-wise: late 20s, female, a major city. I would be asking my therapist, but he's on holiday for a few weeks.

posted by anonymous to work & money (12 answers total)

He isn't going to fire me, but he requested that we meet to talk about a teleworking plan after the holidays and I'd like to be prepared with what I have to say.

You don't have to tell him anything. You're an adult. Adults don't owe each other explanations. Just apologize and see if you can stick to an agreed-upon plan with him.
posted by liketitanic at 6:02 PM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

If anything, just say you have "a chronic illness" that flares up unexpectedly. But even that is more than you need to say.
posted by liketitanic at 6:03 PM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"I have a medical condition that is mitigated by working from home. Sometimes it flares up unexpectedly. I would like to work with you to ensure that I am fulfilling my responsibilities and abiding by the policies of the workplace. Please let me know how we can manage this successfully."

At the very first mention of "medical condition," your manager should start thinking of how it can be accommodated. If you are in the US, your protections under FMLA are pretty strong and companies can get in big trouble for denying you them. Document, document, document. Also, consider taking leave under FMLA on a recurring basis if necessary.

Only you can know if you are truly effective at working from home. You may be, or you may not be. If you're not, you need to find a way to take leave instead of trying to work from home.
posted by charmcityblues at 6:08 PM on December 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

I would simply apologize that you weren't able to support him as he had hoped that day, and you've decided to rebalance your workload so that from now on you will be doing that file further in advance of the deadline. Ask if there are other ways you can help make sure you're on the same page in general about your prioritization. That's really all he wants to hear. I think if you can accurately state that the teleworking has been extremely valuable to you and your overall productivity, then he'll be inclined to let you keep with the current structure. Proactively ask if you can meet again at the end of March to see how you both are feeling about it.

Please do not say that you have been lazy, or slacking, or abusing your privileges, or in shambles. Treat this as a one-time callout that's giving you both the opportunity to touch base frankly about his expectations and your workflow. It seems clear that you are indeed capable of meeting them through your current set-up. I don't think the particular reasons why teleworking is so helpful to you need to be brought up at this stage.
posted by argonauta at 6:13 PM on December 21, 2011 [9 favorites]

Out of interest, have you been formally diagnosed with clinical depression? A letter of support from your therapist/doctor recommending partial and impromptu teleworking might be useful to have in your back pocket when you meet with your boss.

In your meeting with him I would take it in stages:

1. My first instinct would be to keep my illness to myself while trying to maintain the flexible work arrangements. The way my workplace handles this is, in your email/telephone call advising that you will be working from home you agree on which tasks you will achieve that day.

2. If he is unhappy with the above plan I would make the statement that charmcityblues recommends above.

3. If he is still reluctant I would hand over the letter from your doctor recommending flexible work practices.
posted by smithsmith at 6:18 PM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is pretty much what I used, albeit for a different disability. You can ask your doctor to be very vague regarding the actual condition.

Date of Letter

Your name

Your address

Employer's name

Employer's address

Dear (e.g., Supervisor, Manager, Human Resources, Personnel):

Content to consider in body of letter:

Identify yourself as a person with a disability

State that you are requesting accommodations under the ADA (or the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 if you are a federal employee)

Identify your specific problematic job tasks

Identify your accommodation ideas

Request your employer's accommodation ideas

Refer to attached medical documentation if appropriate*

Ask that your employer respond to your request in a reasonable amount of time

Sincerely,

Your signature

Your printed name

Cc: to appropriate individuals
posted by kamikazegopher at 6:35 PM on December 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

While your therapist is unavailable, if your company has an employee assistance program (EAP), the folks there might be able to help you out with short term counseling.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:36 PM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not everyone understands depression (and, unfortunately, some people still think it's fake/malingering/a sign of weakness), so don't mention the D word to your boss. He might just not get it.

I think argonauta is right - you don't want your boss to think you're making excuses, or worse yet, unable to do your job. In this upcoming meeting, you'll want to emphasize the positive. Talk about how working remotely increases your productivity, without saying your productivity suffers in the office.

But you will probably need to bring your condition up at some point, especially if he doesn't approve your telecommuting. To your boss, just say you have a medical condition, and leave it at that. Take the specifics to HR, and be prepared to bring your doctor/therapist into the discussion. And, yes, take advantage of FMLA.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:41 PM on December 21, 2011

Speaking as a former manager who's dealt with team members dealing with addiction, depression, cancer, various surgeries, pregnancy, chronic pain, migraines, etc.

If you don't tell your manager you have a problem, you will be seen as a bad worker and will likely not be able change this perception in the long run.

Best bet is to tell your manager, you have a medical issue and are being treated for it. Ask how you can come up with a plan to work at home on the days you are unable to go to the office. A good manager will immediately be focused on working with you on this and stop thinking you are a bad worker. If you don't explain it's a medical condition, you are not protected. And, you want to be protected from being terminated.

Explain it in person, not via email.

I have had staff on their way to termination due to coming in late repeatedly and not getting work done. It wasn't until they explained the cause of the problem (addiction) that we stopped moving toward termination and started getting them help.

If you know the depression is affecting your work in a way that you can't get it done, consider going out on medical leave/disability. This makes it clear to everyone you are dealing with a serious issue and free's them up to have a temp help out, while your job remains secure.

I wouldn't go into a lot of explanations and/or excuses. Just state the facts to the point you are comfortable with and leave it at that. If your company is big enough, be prepared to talk with the HR group which likely will be tasked with setting the parameters of new work arrangements.

Good luck to you and I hope you get through this soon. Depression is hard to deal with, but you will find a way out and feel better.
posted by Argyle at 10:14 PM on December 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

My first plan would be not to make an issue of your conditions. Why can't you get to your files from home? Have IT fix that. It's not too hard, and if your boss is also working remote you guys should totally have access to your work stuff posthaste. Would having access to your work files from home also increase the number of job functions you can do remotely? Even better! But basically, it's the 21st century, you can have a VPN now.
posted by rhizome at 10:55 PM on December 21, 2011

Agreed - tell your manager. Having a doctor's report would help, as you could go to HR first with that information and ask for their help in setting up a co-meeting with your manager and HR. Good thing in this situation is that is you have a medically diagnosed condition, and you go to HR, they can't let you go for cause (your shoddy performance recently), and HR should have policies on how to deal with illnesses like this.
posted by rich at 6:11 AM on December 22, 2011

Okay, I'm fairly close with my manager and have worked with him for six years as his right-hand woman, so this might not apply to your situation. But about eighteen months ago, I had a horrible month of absolutely crippling anxiety/depression. I was pretty proactive about it in terms of getting in to therapy and finding a new psychiatrist to work with me on my medication, but it still took a while to get back to "normal". I knew my boss knew something was up, and I knew I wasn't doing my job. So I told him what was going on: that I had an anxiety disorder, that I normally had it under control, and that I was working to get it back under control, but that I would need some flexibility from him, and in return I would try to keep him in the loop as far as how my days were going, etc. I knew I didn't have to, and I knew it was kind of a risk to do so, but he was amazingly great about it. He'd email me to ask if I was okay, and he never mentioned it to anyone higher-up, and he was very understanding about my needing to leave early for appointments, etc. I sort of knew what to expect based on knowing him for six years, and also because he was similarly flexible when I was pregnant.

Also, re: crying. I definitely cried, and it was definitely embarrassing. But my boss didn't think less of me because of it. He just leaned over and handed me some tissues. Now, I don't know your boss, but I think you're maybe holding yourself to too high of a standard here, and sorry if I'm over analyzing, but the mention of not wanting to cry combined with not having any work friends made me wonder if you would benefit by remembering that you--and everyone you work with--are human. Every single person you work with has cried. Many of them have cried in front of people they'd rather not cry in front of. It's okay if that happens to you too.

Please try to be easy on yourself. And memail me if you need to talk.
posted by editrixx at 7:10 AM on December 22, 2011 [1 favorite]