Sweet release of death, come take me.
December 19, 2011 12:53 PM Subscribe
It's the most wonderful time of the year! For weird and trying interpersonal dynamics! I'd love your advice on dealing with people who CANNOT stop talking.
Holiday season is here, and as usual, it means dealing with all sorts of idiosyncrasies and bad behaviors. Oh, and joy and peace and stuff.
I'm not being glib when I say that a family member has some sort of psychological compulsion that compels them to deliver monologues that are beyond the pale in terms of length, digressions, and frequency. This person is lovely, but simply cannot be stopped from good-naturedly monopolizing conversations at family dinners (one-on-one, they're generally OK). As an example, and literally without exaggerating at all, at a recent family gathering, this person took an offhand comment and riffed on it with a 14-minute soliloquy that could not be stopped (along the lines of "Oh, you're painting again? That reminds me, when I was young I took painting lessons from this neighbor ... and when their father came home with a puppy ... and of course, you couldn't get unsalted butter then"--all in one, uninterrupted paragraph). Literally, 14 minutes of uninterrupted speechifying--we timed it. Everyone at the table will groan and/or try to chime in and change direction of the conversation, but the person will laugh, and again, good naturedly, say "Let me finish! Ha ha ha! Anyway, there we were, trying to find this missing shoelace..."
We've tried walking away or leaving the dinner table (but it's dinner, and you get called back); trying to engage with questions to break their chain of thought (the narrative thread is so tenuous that it's hard to get them off track; there is no track); trying by force of will to change the subject (you just get "Let me finish! Ha ha ha!")--to no avail.
Any tips? Right now we just let them talk, perform dutiful audience participation ("You don't say!"), count the flecks of pepper on our plates, concentrate on getting drunk, etc. To be clear though, the person does not actually want real participation; trying to relate or ask questions is just "interrupting." They really want just a monologue.
I may go insane.
Holiday season is here, and as usual, it means dealing with all sorts of idiosyncrasies and bad behaviors. Oh, and joy and peace and stuff.
I'm not being glib when I say that a family member has some sort of psychological compulsion that compels them to deliver monologues that are beyond the pale in terms of length, digressions, and frequency. This person is lovely, but simply cannot be stopped from good-naturedly monopolizing conversations at family dinners (one-on-one, they're generally OK). As an example, and literally without exaggerating at all, at a recent family gathering, this person took an offhand comment and riffed on it with a 14-minute soliloquy that could not be stopped (along the lines of "Oh, you're painting again? That reminds me, when I was young I took painting lessons from this neighbor ... and when their father came home with a puppy ... and of course, you couldn't get unsalted butter then"--all in one, uninterrupted paragraph). Literally, 14 minutes of uninterrupted speechifying--we timed it. Everyone at the table will groan and/or try to chime in and change direction of the conversation, but the person will laugh, and again, good naturedly, say "Let me finish! Ha ha ha! Anyway, there we were, trying to find this missing shoelace..."
We've tried walking away or leaving the dinner table (but it's dinner, and you get called back); trying to engage with questions to break their chain of thought (the narrative thread is so tenuous that it's hard to get them off track; there is no track); trying by force of will to change the subject (you just get "Let me finish! Ha ha ha!")--to no avail.
Any tips? Right now we just let them talk, perform dutiful audience participation ("You don't say!"), count the flecks of pepper on our plates, concentrate on getting drunk, etc. To be clear though, the person does not actually want real participation; trying to relate or ask questions is just "interrupting." They really want just a monologue.
I may go insane.
The politest way to do this is as scruss says - just ignore their story and start quieter side conversations with the people next to you (not with the entire table - that verges on rude - but every person with the person next to them).
The rude way to do this is, when the person says, "Let me finish!", a brave soul should respond, "You've bored us enough already."
posted by muddgirl at 1:00 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
The rude way to do this is, when the person says, "Let me finish!", a brave soul should respond, "You've bored us enough already."
posted by muddgirl at 1:00 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
I work with a woman who can't stop talking. A simple "How're you?" elicits a 30 minute ramble about her entire day/week/month/the color of her dog's bowel movements. I solve this by making affirmative noises when she's talking about but eventually kind of turn away and go back to working. It might sound rude, but I definitely put in a few minutes listening and going "Mhmm" and "yeah"
Hm, you're forced into this and can't pretend to work like I can... maybe what I do will help give you an idea anyway. I think it's a compulsion for a person like that and you're totally right, they don't want participation. This took me awhile to learn because I am genuinely interested in people and like listening, but I can't spend hours hearing every detail of her life.
So rule #1 is don't ever ask a question. Just don't. They'll talk anyway. Then maybe everyone can shift their attention to each other (like turn to the person next to you and talk to them) and the person will ... eventually... stop. Or they'll talk louder. God. I really feel your pain. Even an "Oh yeah?" is a question to them. NO QUESTIONS!
I don't know if one person telling them directly before the dinner would help. It could either make them really angry "WELL EXCUSE ME" or "Haha, sure!" then they do it anyway.
Sorry, I rambled because I've struggled to deal with this lady at work for 3.5 years.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:01 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hm, you're forced into this and can't pretend to work like I can... maybe what I do will help give you an idea anyway. I think it's a compulsion for a person like that and you're totally right, they don't want participation. This took me awhile to learn because I am genuinely interested in people and like listening, but I can't spend hours hearing every detail of her life.
So rule #1 is don't ever ask a question. Just don't. They'll talk anyway. Then maybe everyone can shift their attention to each other (like turn to the person next to you and talk to them) and the person will ... eventually... stop. Or they'll talk louder. God. I really feel your pain. Even an "Oh yeah?" is a question to them. NO QUESTIONS!
I don't know if one person telling them directly before the dinner would help. It could either make them really angry "WELL EXCUSE ME" or "Haha, sure!" then they do it anyway.
Sorry, I rambled because I've struggled to deal with this lady at work for 3.5 years.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:01 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I guess I can't stress enough that any sort of response beyond "Mhm" and "Yeah" is a bad idea. Even "That sucks." will lead to them telling you precisely how much it sucks and then talking about that time in third grade someone spilled milk on them. That sucked too, you see, so you need to know.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:03 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:03 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's not impossible that someone who's on reasonably friendly terms with your talker may be able to make progress by taking them aside privately and having a quiet word. I mean, if I was doing something so annoying that my whole family was starting to exchange amused glances when I started up, I'd like someone to tell me.
If the relative is doesn't do "sensitive" but is happy with jokey and sometimes offensive banter, buy a wind up kitchen timer that rings loudly, and announce (with a big smile) that monologues can last for two minutes only. Then when the timer rings everybody pointedly starts some other conversation and ignores the monologue. It's probably important to start the timer on other relatives occasionally so as to not make it seem like too much of a pile-on.
Alternatively you could start up some game-like activity that requires more structured interaction in which it would be difficult to start a monologue at all.
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
If the relative is doesn't do "sensitive" but is happy with jokey and sometimes offensive banter, buy a wind up kitchen timer that rings loudly, and announce (with a big smile) that monologues can last for two minutes only. Then when the timer rings everybody pointedly starts some other conversation and ignores the monologue. It's probably important to start the timer on other relatives occasionally so as to not make it seem like too much of a pile-on.
Alternatively you could start up some game-like activity that requires more structured interaction in which it would be difficult to start a monologue at all.
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Get together with other family members beforehand and create a drinking game based on previous monologues!
Or napkin origami to pass the time. They will never shut up, and at least it doesn't sound like the monologues are offensive or insulting to anyone.
posted by chaiminda at 1:06 PM on December 19, 2011 [14 favorites]
Or napkin origami to pass the time. They will never shut up, and at least it doesn't sound like the monologues are offensive or insulting to anyone.
posted by chaiminda at 1:06 PM on December 19, 2011 [14 favorites]
Oh man. This is just the sort of thing I love and look forward to at Christmas...reuniting with the crazy relatives and all of their laughable quirks. I would embrace the hell out of this and actually look forward to it. I would start a pool on how long the monologue will be this year. Bet on what will trigger it. Bet on how many times they'll say "Let me finish...hahahhahaha".
posted by iconomy at 1:09 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by iconomy at 1:09 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
If social pressure is such that one prevents you from escaping then and there (because it's dinner and joy and peace and stuff) the only way to solve this is to stay away from the event.
Apparently most other measures to stop the stream would have to be too disruptive and/or physical. Of course you might consider concentrating getting them drunk.
If you simply must be there, earplugs take the edge off it, as does better whisky.
posted by Namlit at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2011
Apparently most other measures to stop the stream would have to be too disruptive and/or physical. Of course you might consider concentrating getting them drunk.
If you simply must be there, earplugs take the edge off it, as does better whisky.
posted by Namlit at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2011
Oh and another option: Find a task that this person can help with, that moves them around and thus limits their ability to drone on at the same people for too long. Even if it's just clearing the dishes. Ask them to come and mix cocktails or help the little kids to make paper chains or make a big Christmas banner. OK, this doesn't work too well during dinner itself, but I guess the person will hang around being annoying for a while after that.
posted by emilyw at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2011
posted by emilyw at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2011
I usually use times like that as an excuse to go play with the children, since getting beaten up by a gaggle of 9-year-old girls is much less painful.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:12 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by backseatpilot at 1:12 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh Jesus, how about using your words instead of just talking about this person behind their back or playing freaking drinking games about them? Someone needs to take them aside beforehand and tell them that this is a problem, and someone (maybe that same person) needs to speak up at dinner and say "come on, let's let everyone talk" -- if they come back with "come on, let me finish", have that person say "no, not right now, you're monopolizing the conversation". This is a family member, yes? Someone who supposedly people in your family care about and are close enough to that they can mention this?
posted by brainmouse at 1:13 PM on December 19, 2011 [24 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 1:13 PM on December 19, 2011 [24 favorites]
"Family member, I love you, and because I love you, I want to be honest with you. I love talking to you one on one, but when we're in a group together, it's hard to get a word in edgewise because you dominate the conversation. I honestly don't think you know you do it, but I wanted you to know that you often say such interesting things and it's hard to participate and share what comes to our minds when you don't let anyone else do the talking. Please stop."
Or, conversely, mid-monologue:
"Ohh, Cousin Talksalot, you have such interesting stories. Let me stop you RIGHT THERE." And then immediately hold up your hand and redirect the conversation. Repeat ad nauseum.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
Or, conversely, mid-monologue:
"Ohh, Cousin Talksalot, you have such interesting stories. Let me stop you RIGHT THERE." And then immediately hold up your hand and redirect the conversation. Repeat ad nauseum.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2011 [11 favorites]
Some game-like activity that requires more structured interaction in which it would be difficult to start a monologue at all
This is a great idea. A dry-bun-eating-contest would be most effective.
posted by Namlit at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
This is a great idea. A dry-bun-eating-contest would be most effective.
posted by Namlit at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Let me finish! Ha ha ha!"
"Will you shut the f- up and let the rest of us get a f-ing word in edgeways?"
Possibly if needed followed by:
"Shut the f- up, you're not the only f-ing person here for Christmas and we don't need to hear you all the f-ing time"
I realise that the asker is in the USA where swearing is apparently verboten, but this is how it would be handled in my family come Christmas. It's a time for everyone, and this person is making other people miserable by their behaviour. Swearing over the dinner table seems like a relatively moderate response.
posted by Coobeastie at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
"Will you shut the f- up and let the rest of us get a f-ing word in edgeways?"
Possibly if needed followed by:
"Shut the f- up, you're not the only f-ing person here for Christmas and we don't need to hear you all the f-ing time"
I realise that the asker is in the USA where swearing is apparently verboten, but this is how it would be handled in my family come Christmas. It's a time for everyone, and this person is making other people miserable by their behaviour. Swearing over the dinner table seems like a relatively moderate response.
posted by Coobeastie at 1:22 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
I adored my dad but later in life his stories (which we had all heard) got endlessly long. At times he would get started on some topic and didn't seem able to stop. Since he was my dad and knew I loved and respected him, I could do things like put my hand up and say "Dad! Take a breath! Let somone else say something for a minute or two!" and it was fine. If your relationship is warm but not that close, talk to this person privately, say you notice they don't seem to be able to stop once they get talking, and ask if you can help, e.g. by giving a hand cue.
Lonely people and aging people sometimes don't have their social antennae working well. A kind approach can work wonders.
posted by bearwife at 1:24 PM on December 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
Lonely people and aging people sometimes don't have their social antennae working well. A kind approach can work wonders.
posted by bearwife at 1:24 PM on December 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
Enlist the closest person to them (a spouse?) and ask him or her to let the offender know (privately) that he is being rude by monopolizing the conversation. This is part of their spousely duties. Maybe they can come up with a signal (a jab in the thigh with a fork under the table?) so that he can catch himself. My guess is that he has no sense of time. If he's single, then pick whoever he has the least drama with.
posted by desjardins at 1:30 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 1:30 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, some people never pick up on cues that others are bored with them, and these need to be specifically trained into them.
posted by desjardins at 1:31 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 1:31 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is my mother-in-law. In the past, she has been gently redirected, firmly redirected, and point-blank told to stop talking, and none of that works. It's just how she conveys information, and how she prefers to have information conveyed to her: in excruciating, irrelevant detail. Totally painful.
But just last night at a family dinner thing, when she was going on for a very long time about parallel parking and how she's only done it twice in her life and do you know when? let her tell you, and also about the perfect conditions under which parallel parking is possible for her, my nine-year-old pulled me close and whispered in my ear -- totally deadpan -- "That's an interesting story."
We had so much fun the rest of the night nodding our heads excitedly through other monologues about cruises and neighbors we don't know and their various illnesses and what the mahjong ladies think about current movies, just waiting to turn to each other with huge smiles and say, "That's an interesting story!"
posted by mothershock at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
But just last night at a family dinner thing, when she was going on for a very long time about parallel parking and how she's only done it twice in her life and do you know when? let her tell you, and also about the perfect conditions under which parallel parking is possible for her, my nine-year-old pulled me close and whispered in my ear -- totally deadpan -- "That's an interesting story."
We had so much fun the rest of the night nodding our heads excitedly through other monologues about cruises and neighbors we don't know and their various illnesses and what the mahjong ladies think about current movies, just waiting to turn to each other with huge smiles and say, "That's an interesting story!"
posted by mothershock at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
I have heard that sometimes people who are losing their hearing do this because it's the only way they have to be involved in group conversation.
posted by cairdeas at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 1:33 PM on December 19, 2011 [6 favorites]
Just yesterday my friend Greg cut me off with "Now now Liz, you're monopolizing the conversation again!" and immediately redirected the conversation along another path. It was just shocking enough to make me pause, and therefore shut me up because I had to think about it.
He's kind of a dick at times, but that's part of his charm.
posted by lizbunny at 1:47 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
He's kind of a dick at times, but that's part of his charm.
posted by lizbunny at 1:47 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
There are two types of people who talk a lot: people who love to hear themselves talk, and people who are just desperate for an audience. If your relative is one of the latter, I especially wouldn't advise a rude or passive-aggressive approach. I agree with taking them aside and politely explaining the situation. If it were me doing the explaining, I'd probably throw in something about the average person's attention span ("I heard most people tune out of a conversation after 30 seconds!" OK, I just made that up, but it sounds true). In other words, it's not him, personally, it's that conversations work best when they keep moving from person to person.
If there are young children at the party, would they be interested in hearing this relative's stories? That might be a good match. Sometimes kids really like hearing older-person stories, and the storyteller is often happy to have the audience. Don't make the kids sit and listen to the guy, but if they're interested, encourage them to ask the relative about things.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:48 PM on December 19, 2011
If there are young children at the party, would they be interested in hearing this relative's stories? That might be a good match. Sometimes kids really like hearing older-person stories, and the storyteller is often happy to have the audience. Don't make the kids sit and listen to the guy, but if they're interested, encourage them to ask the relative about things.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:48 PM on December 19, 2011
Or you just start saying random shit over their monologue.
"Too Long: Didn't Read"
"I will eat any and all children which are secreted from my womb."
"MUAD'DIB IS WISE IN THE WAYS OF THE DESERT."
"General Ackbar says, IT'S A TRAP."
Sing Winter Wrapup under your breath.
"Ponies!"
Etc.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:55 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Too Long: Didn't Read"
"I will eat any and all children which are secreted from my womb."
"MUAD'DIB IS WISE IN THE WAYS OF THE DESERT."
"General Ackbar says, IT'S A TRAP."
Sing Winter Wrapup under your breath.
"Ponies!"
Etc.
posted by DisreputableDog at 1:55 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
I sympathize. I am going to do my best with an answer. I think you need a multi-pronged approach to this problem using the excellent answers posted above.
- Drinking game or other such competition regarding the content of the talk, to get you through the first couple of minutes of monologue (even if it's just between you and one other family member, it will make things much more fun)
- Utilization of multiple strategies to shut down the monologue, once it's gone on for several minutes already - such as the talking to other people move and the "all right, that's quite a story! But moving on blahblahblah...."
I think the key part comes after you implement any of the interruption strategies, you need to have a plan of a Miss Manners like thing to say. Because it sounds like whether you all start talking to each other privately or you try to jump in and shut the monologue down in whatever way, this person will probably object and give you the "let me finish!" Your response at that moment is crucial because it has to convey "you're being rude" but in a polite way, or draw the line for them.
Ideas:
"We'd be happy to let you finish if we thought that you actually would eventually finish..."
"Some of the quieter family members haven't gotten a chance to speak yet. Shouldn't we allow them to have their say as well?"
"All right, we'll give you another two minutes to finish, but after that, Aunt Jane has got something to say and we have to give her the opportunity to say it" (then follow through in 2 minutes)
"You'll have to finish up quickly - you wouldn't want to monopolize the conversation so that no one else gets to speak, I'm sure?"
If your family likes games as much as mine does, you could also take a game approach to stopping the monologue. Either set it up like the game "spoons", where everyone has a spoon in the middle of the table and once a person has been speaking for 5 minutes, everyone has to grab a spoon as quickly as possible. Last spoon grabbed loses. You can also play a version called "pig" where as soon as the goal moment is reached, everyone has to stick out their tongue. The last person to stick out their tongue loses. This type of game might be effective because the person in question might get so distracted about trying to win the game that they stop soliloquizing. It also draws attention to the fact if certain people keep being the ones to trigger the game. Of course it would be announced as being applicable to any person at the table and would have to be enforced as such. If the person says something like "you're doing this to single me out!" then you could just keep a straight face and say "why do you say that?" and see if it leads to any epiphany...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:01 PM on December 19, 2011
- Drinking game or other such competition regarding the content of the talk, to get you through the first couple of minutes of monologue (even if it's just between you and one other family member, it will make things much more fun)
- Utilization of multiple strategies to shut down the monologue, once it's gone on for several minutes already - such as the talking to other people move and the "all right, that's quite a story! But moving on blahblahblah...."
I think the key part comes after you implement any of the interruption strategies, you need to have a plan of a Miss Manners like thing to say. Because it sounds like whether you all start talking to each other privately or you try to jump in and shut the monologue down in whatever way, this person will probably object and give you the "let me finish!" Your response at that moment is crucial because it has to convey "you're being rude" but in a polite way, or draw the line for them.
Ideas:
"We'd be happy to let you finish if we thought that you actually would eventually finish..."
"Some of the quieter family members haven't gotten a chance to speak yet. Shouldn't we allow them to have their say as well?"
"All right, we'll give you another two minutes to finish, but after that, Aunt Jane has got something to say and we have to give her the opportunity to say it" (then follow through in 2 minutes)
"You'll have to finish up quickly - you wouldn't want to monopolize the conversation so that no one else gets to speak, I'm sure?"
If your family likes games as much as mine does, you could also take a game approach to stopping the monologue. Either set it up like the game "spoons", where everyone has a spoon in the middle of the table and once a person has been speaking for 5 minutes, everyone has to grab a spoon as quickly as possible. Last spoon grabbed loses. You can also play a version called "pig" where as soon as the goal moment is reached, everyone has to stick out their tongue. The last person to stick out their tongue loses. This type of game might be effective because the person in question might get so distracted about trying to win the game that they stop soliloquizing. It also draws attention to the fact if certain people keep being the ones to trigger the game. Of course it would be announced as being applicable to any person at the table and would have to be enforced as such. If the person says something like "you're doing this to single me out!" then you could just keep a straight face and say "why do you say that?" and see if it leads to any epiphany...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:01 PM on December 19, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks all so far! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one muddling through. And for the avoidance of doubt, this is indeed a close family member (hence some of the vagueness), and ours is not a family where someone can say "Sweet fancy fuck, you need to shut up or we, your closest family, will force Bûche de Noël down your gullet until meringue mushrooms come out your bottom" (would that we could, though).
We've played games to keep from going crazy; last year, Talky McTalkerson's SO actually played along building a pyramid of kiwis and limes to while away the time. SO cannot get Talky to be quiet, either (in fact, I think SO likes it, because SO gets to pal around with everyone about how much Talky likes to talk--not that I think this is healthy behavior). There is no one under 30 in attendance, unless you count the 12 year old whisky I will be drinking out of a wine glass.
In the end (as Metroid Baby suggests), I think this is a lonely person, and I don't have the stomach for making them feel bad about their compulsion--but at the same time, I do suspect that they know they're inducing groans/madness, but they get such a powerful satisfaction (in whatever way) from doing it that they just don't want to stop.
But still--lots of great ideas here! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:07 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
We've played games to keep from going crazy; last year, Talky McTalkerson's SO actually played along building a pyramid of kiwis and limes to while away the time. SO cannot get Talky to be quiet, either (in fact, I think SO likes it, because SO gets to pal around with everyone about how much Talky likes to talk--not that I think this is healthy behavior). There is no one under 30 in attendance, unless you count the 12 year old whisky I will be drinking out of a wine glass.
In the end (as Metroid Baby suggests), I think this is a lonely person, and I don't have the stomach for making them feel bad about their compulsion--but at the same time, I do suspect that they know they're inducing groans/madness, but they get such a powerful satisfaction (in whatever way) from doing it that they just don't want to stop.
But still--lots of great ideas here! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:07 PM on December 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
I have to deal with the same thing with a family member. I'm virtually certain they are actually engaging in pressured speech that's indicative of some sort of (untreated, or possibly incorrectly treated) manic state; I say this mainly in case there's a possibility that there's some sort of underlying problem going on with your family member, too. (My family member can sort of modulate it in one-on-one talk, too, but seems literally helpless to stop the compulsion to talk when they're in a group setting.)
What works some of the time, I've found, is a little ritual of explicit redirecting. This goes something like touching their arm or leg and making eye contact to get them to acknowledge your existence as something other than Audience Member, and then saying -- while maintaining eye contact -- in a firm-but-not-unkind voice "LovedOne, please finish telling us what the doctor said [or whatever the primary storyline is that we're allegedly listening to]. Then in two minutes Cousin'sHusband will tell us about his new job." This seems to ground them enough that they "come back" to the room a little. Then, in two minutes (time it if you have to), stick to your guns and turn to Cousin'sHusband and say, "Jim! Tell us about that job!"
This tends to work if it's early in the evening and if they haven't had too much to drink. It won't work all night, so it often has to be done a few times. But it won't work too many times in one evening, because they'll either get angry over being bossed around/silenced all their lives, or teary and self-flaggelating over being a bad person who won't let anyone speak. (Needless to say, these will then turn into the monologues on which the evening ends.)
Good luck. At least for me, I find this frustrating, infuriating, and heartbreaking in pretty much equal measures.
posted by scody at 2:08 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
What works some of the time, I've found, is a little ritual of explicit redirecting. This goes something like touching their arm or leg and making eye contact to get them to acknowledge your existence as something other than Audience Member, and then saying -- while maintaining eye contact -- in a firm-but-not-unkind voice "LovedOne, please finish telling us what the doctor said [or whatever the primary storyline is that we're allegedly listening to]. Then in two minutes Cousin'sHusband will tell us about his new job." This seems to ground them enough that they "come back" to the room a little. Then, in two minutes (time it if you have to), stick to your guns and turn to Cousin'sHusband and say, "Jim! Tell us about that job!"
This tends to work if it's early in the evening and if they haven't had too much to drink. It won't work all night, so it often has to be done a few times. But it won't work too many times in one evening, because they'll either get angry over being bossed around/silenced all their lives, or teary and self-flaggelating over being a bad person who won't let anyone speak. (Needless to say, these will then turn into the monologues on which the evening ends.)
Good luck. At least for me, I find this frustrating, infuriating, and heartbreaking in pretty much equal measures.
posted by scody at 2:08 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Can you give TMcT a holiday card accompanied with this thread printed out?
posted by anadem at 2:13 PM on December 19, 2011
posted by anadem at 2:13 PM on December 19, 2011
There's a world of difference between "fuck you, stop talking", and "maybe we should give everyone a chance to talk." See this answer for some good, polite scripts. It is not this person's fault that they can't automatically read your unspoken idiosyncratic behaviors, and it's not their fault if you guys can't get over your social weirdnesses to be able to address it, because really, you have to know it's you guys being crazy rude, not the speaker who is unable to read your mind.
posted by brainmouse at 2:19 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 2:19 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
God, I sympathize. I have a dear friend whom I swear practices circular breathing because she never. fucking. shuts. up. And she lacks the filter for what's actually interesting, so will tell you the (dull) life story of the people in the next vacation cottage when asked about her recent trip.
It's sad, she has a wonderful heart, and gets hurt by being left out of small "clique" groups of friends. But what can you do?
We manage by seeing her one-on-one. At large parties, there's a tag team system set up so she can't torture just one person. Perhaps each family member can take the bullet for five minutes by engaging her in direct convo, instead of just one person holding forth over the whole table?
posted by cyndigo at 2:19 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's sad, she has a wonderful heart, and gets hurt by being left out of small "clique" groups of friends. But what can you do?
We manage by seeing her one-on-one. At large parties, there's a tag team system set up so she can't torture just one person. Perhaps each family member can take the bullet for five minutes by engaging her in direct convo, instead of just one person holding forth over the whole table?
posted by cyndigo at 2:19 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Good luck. At least for me, I find this frustrating, infuriating, and heartbreaking in pretty much equal measures.
Agreed. There is a sadness or mania or something underlying this compulsion; whatever Talky is getting from these monologues, I think they'd be much happier if we all just had a nice conversation. It's a bad cycle that has gone on for decades.
Can you give TMcT a holiday card accompanied with this thread printed out?
I'd sooner die, I think. And, again, Talky knows this is not good behavior, but seems driven to do this.
this person's fault that they can't automatically read your unspoken idiosyncratic behaviors
They're neither unspoken nor idiosyncratic. When articulated, we're told to let Talky finish. I also cannot imagine any social gathering where one participant has free rein to talk uninterrupted for a quarter hour at a time. This could happen twice in a 2-hour family dinner. Appeals to reason, personal requests, etc. simply don't work; hence the exasperation.
Perhaps each family member can take the bullet for five minutes by engaging her in direct convo, instead of just one person holding forth over the whole table?
That might work--I'll float this with the rest of the audience. Still, no guarantee that Talky will forgo the big monologues, but it's worth a shot.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:47 PM on December 19, 2011
Agreed. There is a sadness or mania or something underlying this compulsion; whatever Talky is getting from these monologues, I think they'd be much happier if we all just had a nice conversation. It's a bad cycle that has gone on for decades.
Can you give TMcT a holiday card accompanied with this thread printed out?
I'd sooner die, I think. And, again, Talky knows this is not good behavior, but seems driven to do this.
this person's fault that they can't automatically read your unspoken idiosyncratic behaviors
They're neither unspoken nor idiosyncratic. When articulated, we're told to let Talky finish. I also cannot imagine any social gathering where one participant has free rein to talk uninterrupted for a quarter hour at a time. This could happen twice in a 2-hour family dinner. Appeals to reason, personal requests, etc. simply don't work; hence the exasperation.
Perhaps each family member can take the bullet for five minutes by engaging her in direct convo, instead of just one person holding forth over the whole table?
That might work--I'll float this with the rest of the audience. Still, no guarantee that Talky will forgo the big monologues, but it's worth a shot.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:47 PM on December 19, 2011
Maybe it would be produent to suggest to the SO that Talky may have an undiagnosed medical problem. They may be demonstrating a lack of awareness (dementia) or a loss of short-term memory.
posted by muddgirl at 2:53 PM on December 19, 2011
posted by muddgirl at 2:53 PM on December 19, 2011
My mom does this - is there anyone who is comfortable enough to say something to this person? I make fun of my mom in a playful way(not in front of people though, and depending on whether or not she is in a good mood she either laughs at herself or gets mad at me) and when she is in the middle of doing this, whether it is at a dinner or talking to a sales person I will pointedly look at her until she looks at me or I nudge her under the table if I am close enough. Then she realizes it and goes "I'm doing it again..." and I nod.
Of course if this person is aware of what he/she is doing that's a different story...my mom doesn't realize it when she's doing it.
posted by fromageball at 3:22 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Of course if this person is aware of what he/she is doing that's a different story...my mom doesn't realize it when she's doing it.
posted by fromageball at 3:22 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Alternatively you could start up some game-like activity that requires more structured interaction in which it would be difficult to start a monologue at all.
YES. Try announcing rules for a conversational game at the beginning of the meal. For example:
"I'd like to hear everyone's favorite memory from this year! Since there are so many of us, each person can only have 2 mins. to share their favorite memory. I've got a stopwatch here. First person.....go!" Then enforce the time limits strictly for everyone.
If you're eating a series of meals together, you can have the youngest half of the family share at the first meal and the older half share at the second meal. Or you can repeat the game with endless variations: funniest moment of the year, happiest Christmas from previous years, favorite holiday gift ever, etc. Enlist everyone ahead of time to good-naturedly enforce the time limit, and make sure Talky Talkerson doesn't go first so that appropriate behavior can be established and modeled.
posted by equipoise at 3:39 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
YES. Try announcing rules for a conversational game at the beginning of the meal. For example:
"I'd like to hear everyone's favorite memory from this year! Since there are so many of us, each person can only have 2 mins. to share their favorite memory. I've got a stopwatch here. First person.....go!" Then enforce the time limits strictly for everyone.
If you're eating a series of meals together, you can have the youngest half of the family share at the first meal and the older half share at the second meal. Or you can repeat the game with endless variations: funniest moment of the year, happiest Christmas from previous years, favorite holiday gift ever, etc. Enlist everyone ahead of time to good-naturedly enforce the time limit, and make sure Talky Talkerson doesn't go first so that appropriate behavior can be established and modeled.
posted by equipoise at 3:39 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just bang a teaspoon on a glass half a dozen times and say "ok, time's up, someone else's turn please thanks." Seconding muddgirl - last time I encountered someone who talked this long nonstop, they had Asperger's.
posted by tra at 3:42 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tra at 3:42 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you liked Mike Judge's other movies, you could watch Extract together and they'd see the kind of untimely end that comes to people who won't shut up and listen to what others are saying. And then you can always say, "Oh, stop being like (insert character's name, which I've forgotten)," and they will be laughed at mercilessly.
posted by Listener at 3:53 PM on December 19, 2011
posted by Listener at 3:53 PM on December 19, 2011
But don't show them this thread, because they might never talk to you again. Then again . . .
posted by Listener at 3:58 PM on December 19, 2011
posted by Listener at 3:58 PM on December 19, 2011
My mother has done this all her life. And people who encounter her and act like the well-meaning but avoidant folks in this thread are partially the reason why she doesn't believe me--one of the only people on earth with the balls to tell her to stop monologuing--when I tell her that no one wants to listen to her ramble on about a perfect stranger's family tree for 20 minutes. And she responds "I'm TRYING to TELL you something" and just keeps talking. Until I get up and walk away, or summon the check.
And then she calls me "mean." Because no one else will tell her what she's doing is incredibly rude.
Sack up, people. No need to be gracious or walk on eggshells with someone who's treating you so rudely.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:16 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
And then she calls me "mean." Because no one else will tell her what she's doing is incredibly rude.
Sack up, people. No need to be gracious or walk on eggshells with someone who's treating you so rudely.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:16 PM on December 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
On the snarky side, here is a quote from the late senator Muskie:
"In Maine, we have a saying that you don't say anything that doesn't improve on silence."
posted by brujita at 4:28 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
"In Maine, we have a saying that you don't say anything that doesn't improve on silence."
posted by brujita at 4:28 PM on December 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
A wise woman I know once pointed out to me that this kind of behaviour is perpetuated when people get bored and zone out, but continue to give minimal encouragers (the classic "mmhmm", "you don't say!", nodding, etc. etc.) So, the person keeps getting the go-ahead to keep talking, but at the same time is not getting the intensity of reaction and connection they would like, so they misguidedly keep ploughing through the yawns and eyerolls. One possible solution is to be less engaged - to stop giving the minimal encouragers, completely avoid eye contact, start side-conversations, leave the table, whatever - however this relies on the speaker sensing the decreased interaction and giving up, which seems unlikely. Another possibility is to engage more (for a brief period) - listen carefully to what they're saying for long enough to make a short, enthusiastic summary or response, which will allow you to get a word in edgewise. This is most effective if you can catch the speaker at a change of topic, so that you're less vulnerable to the calls to "Let me finish!"
In general, I find the biggest barrier to dealing with this sort of problem is my own discomfort - I try to be sensitive to the reactions of others, so I would be humiliated to be brought to task about monopolising the conversation. However, I err when I assume that others will necessarily feel and react the same way as I would, and I've realised that often people who are rude to me are really unfazed when I am rude back, so there's at least a kind of consistency. But by contrast, someone who shows their lack of concern for others by going on so long, and then gets butthurt about being gently corrected, is either impaired in some way or a jerk.
posted by Cheese Monster at 6:37 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
In general, I find the biggest barrier to dealing with this sort of problem is my own discomfort - I try to be sensitive to the reactions of others, so I would be humiliated to be brought to task about monopolising the conversation. However, I err when I assume that others will necessarily feel and react the same way as I would, and I've realised that often people who are rude to me are really unfazed when I am rude back, so there's at least a kind of consistency. But by contrast, someone who shows their lack of concern for others by going on so long, and then gets butthurt about being gently corrected, is either impaired in some way or a jerk.
posted by Cheese Monster at 6:37 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
The only person I know who is like this is also the most mentally ill person I know, and I always chalked her behavior up to her illness. Once I had to drive her in my car and nearly had an accident because her constant talking maddened me to distraction.
Is it even possible to be like this without having some sort of mental glitch? Has Talky's partner tried to get her into care at all? It does seem very dysfunctional otherwise. It's not normal behavior to be unable to converse calmly with other people.
Honestly, I would not be able to handle anything except leaving the table once this started up; if I was "called back" I'd just claim a headache and stay in the living room. Because otherwise I'd be gouging out my own ears. Or being extremely rude in the "OMG please shut up!" mode. You sound more tolerant and compassionate than me, though.
posted by emjaybee at 6:49 PM on December 19, 2011
Is it even possible to be like this without having some sort of mental glitch? Has Talky's partner tried to get her into care at all? It does seem very dysfunctional otherwise. It's not normal behavior to be unable to converse calmly with other people.
Honestly, I would not be able to handle anything except leaving the table once this started up; if I was "called back" I'd just claim a headache and stay in the living room. Because otherwise I'd be gouging out my own ears. Or being extremely rude in the "OMG please shut up!" mode. You sound more tolerant and compassionate than me, though.
posted by emjaybee at 6:49 PM on December 19, 2011
We have a family member like this. We take turns listening to her, and have become very adept at handing her off to the next person in line. At the dinner table, we do start other conversations or leave the table. There's usually one person, probably sitting next to her, who takes one for the team and gives her their complete attention. After five minutes or so, someone else steps up and engages her by asking a question or otherwise signaling to her that they are listening, shifting her attention and freeing up the previous listener. There's no reason why the entire group should be held captive, you can do this easily and politely with just a little cooperation among your family.
posted by raisingsand at 7:02 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 7:02 PM on December 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
We also have a family member like this. The family member in question clearly knows full well that they are being an annoying jerk, because we have told them that in polite ways. The family member also derives inordinate satisfaction from forcing us all to listen to their terrible un-funny monologue. Furthermore, subtle requests to stop talking are ignored. More overt requests, NO MATTER HOW POLITE, result in Talky McTalker getting all butthurt and making a HUGE scene.
brainmouse's comments are well-intentioned and would work well for someone who didn't recognize social cues around appropriate communications strategies. But none of that will work around *your* inappropriate talker, because this is not a communication strategy. This is a weird psychological power game. It is set up so that no matter what, Talker "wins" by getting attention, whether it is by monopolizing the conversation or by causing a huge scene.
When we got bored of passive-aggressive revenge games (drinking games, random comments, etc.), we changed the strategy of Christmas dinner. Instead of everyone sitting around a big table, we put all the food on the table and stacked dishes next to it, buffet-style. Now, instead of everyone being trapped at a table with a nonstop talker, people are free to roam around the living room and dining room with their food. This means that if Talker happens to come up and start ranting, we can listen to them until we're bored, then excuse ourselves to refill our wine glass and start new conversations elsewhere.
posted by kataclysm at 10:04 AM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
brainmouse's comments are well-intentioned and would work well for someone who didn't recognize social cues around appropriate communications strategies. But none of that will work around *your* inappropriate talker, because this is not a communication strategy. This is a weird psychological power game. It is set up so that no matter what, Talker "wins" by getting attention, whether it is by monopolizing the conversation or by causing a huge scene.
When we got bored of passive-aggressive revenge games (drinking games, random comments, etc.), we changed the strategy of Christmas dinner. Instead of everyone sitting around a big table, we put all the food on the table and stacked dishes next to it, buffet-style. Now, instead of everyone being trapped at a table with a nonstop talker, people are free to roam around the living room and dining room with their food. This means that if Talker happens to come up and start ranting, we can listen to them until we're bored, then excuse ourselves to refill our wine glass and start new conversations elsewhere.
posted by kataclysm at 10:04 AM on December 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
My uncle does this. It's more in an one-on-one basis, but he has always done this. It has gotten worse with time. I see my uncle once or twice a year so I just listen to him. I don't think he does this to torture anyone or out of selfishness or as a control freak or whatever. I sense he is lonely and now aging, too. So I let him talk. I can sit there and listen and relax as he tells me the same story again or new ones that go on for forty-five minutes. I can do this because a) I love him, b) it's just once or twice a year c) no one else will listen to him--and d) I have no certainty of this but I think older people do this out of a need to cement and pass on their oral histories (the repetition) and it's just human. And one day, if I'm lucky to live that long, I will probably do this, too. So I listen and eat cookies and laugh (because, when you actually do listen to my uncle, it turns out he's quite funny).
posted by marimeko at 10:31 AM on December 20, 2011
posted by marimeko at 10:31 AM on December 20, 2011
If the talker is okay one-on-one, this may be a way of coping with social anxiety. Direct efforts are still the answer, but if this person is otherwise a responsible conversationalist, it seems something else is the problem and they might want help.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2011
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:50 AM on December 20, 2011
My cousin started a monologue at a post-funeral dinner with our aunt (the widow). (A few other people were around the table but didn't speak up.) She was also upsetting my aunt ("well my mom knows EXACTLY how you feel" - no, her dad died after years of alcoholism and had been told he was dying, our uncle was not ill and passed very unexpectedly)... and if she ran out of something to say, she would just go "my my my my my" until she thought of something else. I could tell my aunt was upset so I rescued her by just starting a new conversation with her (my aunt) so that cousin blabbermouth was being completely ignored. She quickly got up and left the table. (Everyone was coming and going, it wasn't a "walked-away-angry situation.)
posted by IndigoRain at 11:27 PM on December 20, 2011
posted by IndigoRain at 11:27 PM on December 20, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by scruss at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2011 [21 favorites]