Relationship- am I paranoid or being used?
December 17, 2011 7:42 AM Subscribe
Am I being used or am I hyper-sensitive about this issue?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I've been in a relationship with someone for 9 months. This is my first serious relationship. I can't seem to get over the feeling that he wants me to get ahead in life
1. I'm a US citizen, he's from a country where a lot of people use people for citizenship
2. I have money and a financially stable future ahead of me, in all likelihood. He doesn't have money but does have a full time job. He's a couple years younger than me and could do really well career-wise, but isn't there yet.
3. When we first started dating, he told me that he will never make enough money to retire in this country (we are both in his country right now). He sounded pretty desperate about his country and likely future financial situation. This is what I remember when I feel the most insecure. His friend also had a conversation with us about how he'd do anything to leave the country. The country we're in is actually pretty great- I wouldn't mind living here forever except that it's not actually my country and I want to be close to family, but could potentially see myself coming back here after leaving for and coming back from grad school
4. Since then, in order for me to try to assess his intentions/get over my feelings about this, he's agreed to live in any country I want to (and considering I'm not in the US now, he has good reason to believe I may never want to live in the US for the long-term), he's agreed to a prenupt (haven't actually done one, just agreed to the idea), and he's agreed that in the future, his income will go to supporting both of us while my income will belong to me (sounds insanely selfish of me, but anyway)
5. It seems one of the easier ways to assess his intentions would be to just stay here forever, but we both know that I plan to go to the US in a few months to go back to graduate school
6. In general I tend to be paranoid about being used, also I've met a lot of people in my travels wanting to be with me or someone else to eventually go the US. It takes me a really long time to trust someone and to trust that someone cares about me...like years.
7. I would love to see a therapist because
I probably should but not a good option in this country for me.
8. I found a list of 'ways to know if you're being used for a green card' and none of it applied to him- he's introduced me to all of his friends and family, he's very loving, very attentive with his time, wants to always be with me, isn't pushing me to get married (he has made it clear he wants to get married, but is willing to wait for several years and has made this clear as well)
9. All of my friends believe that he is good intentioned, and also really like him because he's sweet and polite.
10. My gut instinct tells me that he loves me, but also the general sense of opened possibilities and financial security he gets from being with me, but that he's willing to do his share of the work plus more. But what happens when he doesn't need me for perceived financial security (not actually committed to financially supporting him in anyway) and other such benefits? Is what's leftover enough to make our relationship last?
11. He's paid for 90% of our dates together, non-begrudgingly, but as a result of when at the beginning of our relationship I expressed bewilderment at his wanting to go dutch in a country where the man usually pays.
12. Culturally, and thought-wise, we click together very well, as he's from a culture similar to that of my parents'. This is a big reason why our love 'makes sense' because I've never met anyone before who I felt so close to thought-wise and culture-wise
13. He's written me two books of love poetry, one 75 pages long, one 25 pages long. not sure how this fits in to all of this... and yes, it's clear he wrote it himself, and it's not copied from google or something
As we make plans to move to the US, my biggest fear is that in the process he'll be dependent on me (what if his student visa doesn't work out, will I be expected to marry him right away for him to get a fiance visa? what if he can't patch together the money to live on his own for a few months (I don't want to live together before marriage, archaic as that might sound to a lot of people), will I have to support him? Is this support a good chunk of why he wants to be with me? He tells me I don't have to support him, and has looked into ways to telecommute back to his job in his home country as well as take a loan so he can be a student....but I'm just afraid this will all fall through and I'll have to be his safety net.
I want to marry him someday, but not within the next year. We've talked about this and he's perfectly fine with waiting. We are engaged right now, and I've told him about two years we'd get married, and he's told me we won't get married until I feel safe with him given my fears, and that we won't get married to 'solve problems, because that just makes more problems'
Please help me sort out my feelings- no matter how much he seems to 'pour love on me' I just have this feeling of... insecurity about the whole thing. Is this what a relationship is? What do you think about the whole thing?