Can I eat?
December 16, 2011 1:33 PM Subscribe
YANMDoT, but I think I may be developing an eating disorder. Potentially triggering description inside.
posted by corvus agitator to Health & Fitness (17 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Um. So. I'm female, 30s, BMI-obese. In the last almost-two years, I've lost somewhere around 50 pounds. My goal is to lose 30-50 more. (This would put me in the low end of overweight/high end of normal BMI, so it's not a disordered goal.) Recently, I've fallen slightly off the diet wagon, then Thanksgiving came up, and I dove off the rest of the way.
I'm eating things I know will make me gain weight. I can't stop myself-- I eat and eat and eat. And not the good stuff. I like very few vegetables, and I find eating veggies and fruits unsatisfying. I miss eating whatever the hell I felt like, even though it made me fat. At the same time, I'm scared of all the eating I'm doing. I feel like I can't control it, because "hey, it's the HOLIDAYS" and I should take this opportunity to indulge before it goes away.
I'm having unhealthy impulses, such as denying myself meals after stuffing at lunch. Yesterday I started researching ways to make myself throw up, because finger down the throat has never worked for me. I am avoiding the gym because HOLIDAYS and because I can't meet my exercise goals, and I am frustrated.
Today was our holiday lunch. I had a chicken Caesar salad with a medium amount of dressing, which looked like the healthiest choice. (Despite my hate-on for green leafies, I love Caesar salad.) Then I ate dessert, which was mostly sugar. Now I'm full, and I'm scared to be full. I have a family dinner coming up tonight, and I'm contemplating not eating at all, even though it will be commented on. I have the impulse to purge, and if I had a way I knew would work, I would.
I am on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer already. I had an anxiety episode that lasted a good portion of 2011, and only in the last few months has stabilized. I was diagnosed as bipolar at the beginning of the year, which was new. I need to start therapy for other weight-related anxiety (fear of losing too MUCH weight and no longer recognizing my body) but now that this new urge has popped up, I don't know what to even begin to address. I'm scared and confused and all I know is I don't want to gain all that weight back, but eating is wrong and not eating is wrong and any middle ground seems impossible to achieve given my fruit/vegetable issues. I don't know what to do.
If you have advice that you don't want public, please MeMail me. Thanks.