how do you take a compliment?

December 15, 2011 9:30 PM

how do you take a compliment?

i'm terrible at taking compliments. I know lots of people who are, and that i'm not alone in this.
How do you take a compliment?

What i'd like to do, is be able to take a compliment in one of the following ways:
-graciously, so we can move on without any uncomfortable pauses
-OR making the complimenter glad they complimented me, thus encouraging further compliments down the road! but not appearing to be a compliment hog either! Or like what i'm trying to do is get further compliments down the road!

As you can see, things get complicated pretty quickly. And apparently I was raised by wolverines and was never taught some basic social graces.

The best I can do when complimented, is one of two awful things:
-deny the compliment vehemently, to the point of actually convincing the complimenter that s/he had made a mistake!
-wildly exaggerate the credit to myself, looking like a vain ass.

Both result in uncomfortable pauses and in the good will and compliment stream coming to a stop. Argh.

In the latest episodes, I failed to respond appropriately when complimented on:
-my bicep (its really not that big, but the girl likes me, and I should be able to reply something graciously rather than awkwardly!) Instead I said "jeez really? But i dont work out. (then not knowing how to take that bad, I proceeded to add: "whatever.") What a numbskull I am.
-my ability to triage while problem solving (ok, i'm good at that, i know, which resulted in again ungraciously saying well yes, i'm quite good at that, resulting in an awkward pause).

Whether physical or intellectual or other, I just dont know how to take a compliment when sincerely offered to me. How do you take your compliments? What works well, for a guy, social-graces wise?

posted by jak68 to Human Relations (43 answers total)

Smile and say thanks.
posted by facetious at 9:31 PM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]

I think the usual approach is "thank you, that's very kind of you to say," or some such thing.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:31 PM on December 15, 2011 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: argh, typo. "not knowing how to take that bad" -> "not knowing how to take that BACK".
posted by jak68 at 9:31 PM on December 15, 2011

"Thank you!"
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 9:32 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just say thank you and turn the conversation to them
posted by bebrave! at 9:32 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I've started doing the "smile and say thanks". But I'd like to add a part II to that reportoire, or mix it up a bit.
posted by jak68 at 9:32 PM on December 15, 2011

Response by poster: part of the problem seems to be that I read the compliment literally (as in: read it for its truth value) rather than reading it for its social value?
posted by jak68 at 9:33 PM on December 15, 2011

nope, anything else is overcomplicating/overthinking. you can't try to manipulate the situation, that ruins everything. just smile and say thanks.
posted by facetious at 9:35 PM on December 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

I was taught that there are three permissible responses to a compliment: Thank you, I know, and Tell me more.

Sometimes I say all three.
posted by ottereroticist at 9:35 PM on December 15, 2011 [24 favorites]

I've started doing the "smile and say thanks". But I'd like to add a part II to that reportoire, or mix it up a bit.

That sounds a little dangerous for you, because odds are you'll screw it up if you go beyond some variation of, "thank you."

But if you must, when someone compliments you on a piece of clothes or a personal item, mention where you got it. "Thanks, I bought it at X when there was a sale" or "Thank you, I picked it up at a bazaar when I was travelling through Y."
posted by deanc at 9:37 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Thanks"
posted by ead at 9:38 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, Garth Algar was right: "Thanks" and a smile is best. Then maybe follow up with a short pause, so the conversation can resume on more neutral topics.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:38 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

1) smile and say "thanks"
2) smile and say "that's very kind of you to say"
3) smile goofily, put your hands in your pockets, rock back on your heels, and say "aw, shucks"

I suggest limiting yourself to 1 and 2.
posted by phunniemee at 9:39 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

PS, this classic technique never fails: ask yourself what you would like to see someone else do when you compliment them - a snappy answer? probably not, i bet that would make you feel like they just one-upped you. a big smile? niiiice.
posted by facetious at 9:41 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Another thing I do sometimes is *agree.* I know that sounds arrogant, but I don't think it is. What I think is really arrogant is false humility, or "humble brag."

So if someone says, "hey I really liked your movie," I say "yeah, I was happy with how the photography came out, especially in Scene X."

Because the fact is, I am happy with my movie usually, or at least some aspects of it. I might or might not follow that with, "But I wish _________ had gone better," and I will always include all the people who helped me, but the point is to discuss it in a factual, honest way, without bragging or being falsely humble.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:41 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

After smiling and saying thanks, you can sometimes return the compliment or offer a semi-related compliment, along the lines of "you're not so bad at such-and-such yourself!"
posted by dizziest at 9:42 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh, and for what it's worth, I used to be really bad at taking compliments until I decided to start complimenting people, even strangers, whenever the moment struck me. This can be as simple as "I like your glasses, they really suit you!"

Watching the reactions that other, "normal" people have to compliments helped me relax about getting them myself.
posted by phunniemee at 9:43 PM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]

I've started doing the "smile and say thanks". But I'd like to add a part II to that reportoire, or mix it up a bit.

Possible part II after "Thank you,":

Sincere:

-"That really makes me feel appreciated."
-"I usually feel kind of insecure about that, so that gives me some good confidence."
-"I'm really flattered that you noticed that"
-"Nobody has ever said that about me before/people don't usually tell me that."
-"I work really hard at it."
-"That compliment just made my day/really cheered me up." <>
Jokey:
"Flattery will get you everywhere." <> "This is why I'm friends with you" You might have to say "just kidding!!!" after that one.

Reciprocating:

-"Same to you!"
-"And *I* like your ____!" Only say this if it's sincere and spontaneous and not like you're grasping for something to say in return.
-"You are awesome."
-"That's really sweet of you." Only say this in a really sincere way because otherwise it might sound condescending.
posted by cairdeas at 9:50 PM on December 15, 2011 [12 favorites]

I'd like to add a part II to that reportoire, or mix it up a bit

Don't.

A smile and "Thanks!" is the right thing to do when receiving a compliment.

You might care to make a note of something you think the person who just complimented you is good at, and compliment them on that at some other time (preferably when there are other people around who will hear you doing that). But don't treat a generously expressed thought as an obligation or some kind of transaction opportunity. Spontaneous, unforced, no-strings-attached kindnesses are good things and there ought to be more of them about.
posted by flabdablet at 9:55 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

Most of the time I preen obnoxiously, tbh.
posted by elizardbits at 10:00 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

For your girlfriend only...

"Aww, {pet name}! {Hug}"

It's best to keep things simple. Too many words, and it starts to go weird.
posted by mornie_alantie at 10:12 PM on December 15, 2011

The key thing is to first acknowledge their compliment, but instantly deflect it into something else. Compliment them, or talk about something related yet not personal.
Most of the time, compliments are just conversation starters, not serious business that needs to be addressed head on. You'll be most graceful if you deflect them into a conversation with the giver i.e. "Nice bicep!" yeah but I don't work out, you seem to have "nice muscle group", Do you work out?...
posted by Cold Lurkey at 10:20 PM on December 15, 2011

I'm not great at it either but...

it's really situational. You can't go terribly wrong with a smile and a thanks. But I think you get bonus points for a more nuanced, natural response.

I have trouble when I don't agree with the compliment at all. I think I respond best when I (genuinely) show surprise and say something like, "really?! [startled look] wow. thanks!" Or some variation on that. If it's appropriate depending on context, you can say, "really?! [startled look] [insert jokey response about how it's not at all true i.e.] Or "really?! I have been working on [x] but didn't realize it was getting better." If you really disagree - it's just not true - I think you can acknowledge that too without too much harm [in response to someone saying you did a great job on a presentation you thought you tanked, "thanks - I hated it but I appreciate the compliment!"].

If I feel it's true, I usually do just smile and say thanks, or maybe elaborate "thanks - I've been trying a new routine at the gym - maybe it's actually paying off!" Or "thanks - I killed myself to finish that project."

Jokey responses are often good if you can pull it off, especially if the compliment is over the top so that a "thanks" would feel arrogant. ("Flattery will get you everywhere.") Too sincere can feel weird and awkward to me depending on the compliment.

If it's a compliment to someone else through you (i.e. your staff did a great job at that meeting) then accept the compliment and agree and maybe even pile on more if appropriate.
posted by n'muakolo at 10:28 PM on December 15, 2011

I'm awkward like this too, and my solution is to make a little bit of conversation about the subject being complimented, then move on. For instance:

Them: "I love that purse, it's so cute!"
Me: "Oh, thank you! I found it at that great vintage store on Colorado. Have you been?"

Them: "Your hair looks beautiful that way!"
Me: "Thank you! I've been trying to grow it out so I can try new things. So how's the family?"

Basically I don't want to appear ungrateful, but I try to avoid just saying "thank you" and stopping, since that either creates a silent patch or I feel the need to jump in with a compliment of my own, resulting in the dreaded Compliment Wars.

So in your example, depending on the situation and the person I was speaking with, it might go like,

Them: "Your biceps are so big, stud!"
You: "Thank you! It must be the shirt, since I haven't been working out much lately. I should wear this shirt more often! Are you a big gym-goer?"
posted by Bella Sebastian at 10:34 PM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]

This is just a thought - but in addition to all the excellent suggestions above, maybe you should try out giving compliments (unrelated to the ones you're getting, I mean.) My theory here is that you take compliments literally because they're kind of a foreign language to you, maybe you need to practice speaking as well as listening.

(Yeah, my response is "thanks!" with follow-on scaled degrees of appreciation depending on circumstance, ranging from simple acknowledgment to a glowing "Thank you so much! You are so, so, kind to say so!" I reciprocate where I can manage it if it doesn't seem weird or over-the-top. Because the answer to "You really know your way around the photocopier, don't you?" isn't "Thanks, and I really admire the way you stack those boxes of printer paper" unless you're in Act One of a porno. Sometimes "Thanks" is all that's needed.)
posted by gingerest at 10:55 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: i love you guys.
posted by jak68 at 11:10 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

If it's definitely a compliment, I say "Thank you". If it's a (let's face it, rare) statement of obvious fact that reflects positively on me, I do whatever I usually do to express non-disagreement with obvious facts.

In particular, if it's a compliment based on false premises, then I still say "thank you", because it is a compliment. If the issue is important, then I say "Thank you" but correct them. For example, "Thanks, but I'm not really the world's best hairdresser; I would recommend..." is the correct response to a person who has overly-enthusiastically promoted my (actually rare) managing to give myself a non-terrible haircut into a situation that could end in their unwanted you-don't-want-to-knowhawk.

Among close friends, the situation is different. This is actually a great question, in my opinion, because I have psychological characteristics (okay, problems) stemming from the fact that a lot of my childhood was spent being praised for personal characteristics over which I had no control. This turns out, in fact, to be difficult in the same way that having been frequently verbally abused can be difficult.

Therefore, more important, maybe, than how you respond externally to the compliment is how you respond internally, to protect yourself from your own future unrealistic expectations, disappointments, and potential neuroses. My crude approach is to thank and ignore, generally, by YMMV on this method.
posted by kengraham at 11:10 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Aw, thanks!" Follwed by nothing. Or "I'm glad you noticed," " [whatever] means a lot coming from you," etc.
posted by Aleen at 11:30 PM on December 15, 2011

Bella Sebastian has your answer.

I am terrible at this. I hate getting compliments, they are lies and are only being given to make a fool of me. In my head.

What helps is thinking of them as presents. Somone wants to give me a present. I may not like it or want it, I may intend to bin it as soon as I can, but for right now, somone just handed me a gift. Thank you, smile, that's really nice.
posted by Iteki at 11:35 PM on December 15, 2011 [7 favorites]

Thank you, I'm so glad you mentioned Project (on which you are using problem solving skill) -- I've been working really hard on it and having you notice the project really helps, it males me feel like I'm on the right track/I must be doing okay/my work isn't disappearing into a void/etc.

When you want to agree, I think you can do so by thanking them for noticing and validating your work.

Otherwise, just "thank you," no self-deprication.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:46 PM on December 15, 2011

Recently I was in an elevator with several of my co-workers when someone complimented a woman I work with by saying she looked like Aubrey Hepburn with her up-do. In return, she said, "Well, everyone take note!". Everyone chuckled.

I think accepting a compliment gracefully involves confidence and humor.
posted by goodnight moon at 12:57 AM on December 16, 2011

After smiling and saying thanks, you can sometimes return the compliment or offer a semi-related compliment, along the lines of "you're not so bad at such-and-such yourself!"

This can backfire if you do it too much; I used to do it all the time, until my ex pointed out that my compliments-back-to-him when he complimented me sounded a little dishonest ("is she only saying that because I said something nice to her?"). They were indeed sincere, but I could see why he would wonder.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:58 AM on December 16, 2011

The foolproof method I use is this:

When I get a compliment, I *think about the complimenter for a moment*, and...

Let a rush of genuine gratitude for the person wash over me.
Make eye contact as I feel a real smile of thankfulness spread on my face.

As all these nice positive feelings *about how great the other person is* take over, I open my mouth and let nature take its course:

"Wow, what a nice thing for you to say."
"Thank you, that means so much to me."
"You are so kind to say that!"

The key is STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF and THINK ABOUT THE NICE PERSON INSTEAD for a second and let those good thoughts inspire you to a genuine reaction. With practice it becomes natural and instant.
posted by woot at 4:04 AM on December 16, 2011 [6 favorites]

Thank the person who complimented you:

"Oh, wow, thank you!"

Then tell them what the compliment means to you:

"I'd actually been feeling really down about my appearance lately. You telling me that makes me feel really good."

OPTIONAL: Send a compliment their way in response

"That's funny, I'd been meaning to tell you that you have been looking really good lately. Have you been exercising more?"

The goal is to acknowledge the compliment, make them feel really good for telling you and then, if you feel that way, let them know that if they send out a good feeling, it may be rewarded with a sincere positive thought you have about them.

Don't hold back when people say nice things about you. Let it open the door to you sharing the good feeling with them!
posted by inturnaround at 8:04 AM on December 16, 2011

A friend long ago made this wonderfully clear to me: a compliment is a gift.

You do not say of a (sincere, kind) gift, "Oh, that is not suitable for me! You were wrong to give this to me!"

You do not set it aside without a glance.

You show delight, appreciation, and thanks. "Thank you!", said earnestly, is always a warm, appropriate response for a compliment.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:10 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Every one has covered this but I just want to stress that if you are a remedial student of accepting compliments you should start simple. Smile and "thanks!" Once you can pull that off, you can practice more advanced techniques.

Don't make the compliment all about you. I know that might sound strange but if I'm giving you a compliment, I would like to be taken as sincere. If I approve of something about you that you feel differently about, I don't really want to get a treatise on how incorrect I am. Don't make me get all into your issues. That's just rude. :)
posted by amanda at 8:33 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

There's another option that's not always appropriate. In the example you give of the girl who likes you complementing your bicep, my reaction would have been to pose in a vigorously exaggerated manor and say something like, "OOOH YEEAAAH YOU LIKE THAT?" in a Randy Savage voice. The point being humor. You accept the compliment while engaging her, but the humor implies a degree of self-deprecation.
posted by cmoj at 9:41 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

If the compliment revolves around an ability or skill, you can respond with "I'm so glad you enjoyed/noticed/appreciated it!"

For example, I bring baked goods or homemade candies to work a few times a year. Since you're not complimenting me, i'm going to brag a bit that co-workers will, for example, start asking about my Christmas fudge as early as July. My stock response is to smile and say something like "I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. It'll be time for more quicker than you think!"
posted by owtytrof at 10:00 AM on December 16, 2011

I am a girl who is also horrible at taking compliments but I realized that had to change when it happened at work, like if a supervisor compliments me I can't afford to say something that comes off bad, etc. In that sort of situation I just smile and say thank you. I learned that by watching others. I also realized that I like complimenting people so I need to be able to allow people to compliment me too and get a response they feel good about, so I think about what response I would want.

For the bicep one it depends on the message you want to send to the girl because if you don't want her to "get the wrong idea" you might just say thanks and move on, otherwise you could flirt a little and maybe compliment her on something too.
posted by fromageball at 11:21 AM on December 16, 2011

I've had problems with this myself. The thing to remember is that it never feels good to compliment someone and have them reject it. Think back to the times you've tried to let people know you admired or enjoyed something that they did, and how it felt if they shrugged you off or suggested you only thought that because you didn't know much about it. Not a good feeling.

Take a breath, smile, say thank you. When you feel the urge to say something else in response to the compliment, don't. Bite it down. Take another breath. Move on. If it's truly necessary to add more information, you can do it later. ("I'm glad you liked the way I did X, I wanted to let you know that Bob was a big part of that too,") or whatever.

It's really nice if you can think of a way to return a compliment.

"I like your shoes"
"Thanks, yours are nice too!"

More advanced:

"You did a fantastic job on X"
"Thank you for saying that - to be honest I was so inspired by your work on Y, it really influenced my approach to X."

When you do flub the compliment handoff, give yourself a break. Everyone does it sometimes. That you're aware and trying to fix it is great. It might be good to start *giving* more compliments. Giving compliments can make you feel generous and confident, and in that mood it's easier to accept them.
posted by bunderful at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2011

I used to be really, really bad at this myself, to the point where my husband and several friends chastised me about rejecting their compliments. Apparently it really does feel like you're calling the complimenting party a liar when you do that, and it hurts their feelings, I guess. I asked how I *should* accept compliments, then, and the general consensus was that I should just goddamned say thank you.

So I took to saying "well, thank you!" in a tone of pleasure and surprise. It seemed to work well, and now I am on to more advanced techniques like the above-mentioned "yeah, I was pretty happy with X-thing-about-thing too," or of course the return compliment. It helps that I have silly hair (dyed an unnatural colour and with a pretty cool cut), so there are an awful lot of "I like your hair" comments to practice on. I know where I stand with those, and, frankly, I like my hair too. So it's easy to just thank someone and move on. I think what makes it work for me is the tone of pleased surprise, because it feels like I am underlining the compliment and not just volleying back a pat answer. Because otherwise just "thank you" sounds, to me, when I say it, like I'm not really paying attention to the fact that someone just said something nice. And it really is sweet of them to do so.

Of course, with close friends, I am perfectly authorized to just get tongue-tied and stare at the floor-- but graciously!-- when they say something that's too nice for me to really know what to do with. I find this works better than the self-deprecating thing. At least it works better for other people. I'm so *good* at the self-deprecating thing, though... But no one has ever complimented me on that. Hmmmm.

And yeah, giving compliments is fun. It makes people smile, and I am all for making the world a happier place.
posted by Because at 8:57 PM on December 16, 2011

If I ever get one I'll let you know.

No, but seriously, don't over-think it. Just say "Thanks!" Don't protest that the compliment is excessive or inappropriate. If you think about it, this is actually a rather rude way to respond.
posted by Decani at 9:40 AM on December 17, 2011

For now, just say thank you. And then shut up. (Don't say the "shut up" part, just do it).
posted by kamikazegopher at 5:03 PM on December 19, 2011 [1 favorite]