How best to hollaback?
December 15, 2011 7:36 PM   Subscribe

What is the most effective way for a woman to respond to street harassment by men? Obviously if I feel unsafe, I run like hell. But often it happens in public places where I'm easily able to stop, turn around and say something to the perpetrator. Ideally would like to a) Make the man feel embarrassed and ashamed, b) Make myself feel strong instead of victimised, c) Reduce the chances of him harassing again. I realise these may be contradictory goals, and I would like to better understand what goes on in the minds of men who harass women on the street. (In case it's at all relevant, the sleazebags in my area tend to be white and middle aged).
posted by embrangled to Human Relations (90 answers total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Back off."
posted by michaelh at 7:39 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Regarding (b) making myself feel strong, I actually prefer not to respond. I try to frame it like this: those men are way beneath me and they don't even deserve a second of my attention.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:47 PM on December 15, 2011 [10 favorites]


I agree with the ignoring them or laughing out loud if they strike you as particularly pathetic.
posted by devymetal at 7:53 PM on December 15, 2011


Don't acknowledge their existence.
posted by zxcvz at 7:53 PM on December 15, 2011 [7 favorites]


"Grow up"
posted by Gilbert at 7:57 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


If you're young enough you could use the "hey mr. Gunderson? I'm Jane, I'm in your daughter's English class" line.
posted by boobjob at 7:59 PM on December 15, 2011


I'd go against ignoring them. I've tried it, and they usually just think I didn't here them. So the follow me. And repeat themselves, repeatedly.
posted by FirstMateKate at 7:59 PM on December 15, 2011


in my experience when you turn around to give them a piece of your mind, it just makes them harass you more, or gets their friends to join in. depending on the type of people you're dealing with, this could lead to them following you for blocks harassing you. ignoring it seems to be easiest.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:00 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think I would respond literally and seriously, if possible. This shows that I'm not fazed by them but am also not going to engage. Hopefully, it will reveal that they are being foolish. Maybe I would say, "Thank you," "Excuse me?" or "What did you say?" I wouldn't say the words quietly, but take a second to face them and not back down before moving on. Whatever you say, you don't want it to invite more harassment -- it shouldn't give them an opening to retort in a flirty way. Or, if they do, you close it down by looking at them.

To say, "Back off," I would first practice in the mirror and also think of a picture to hold in my mind, like a jaguar or a woman-cum-chainsaw. I work on my thinking before encountering these guys so that I don't have to build up my confidence all at once -- rather, I acknowledge/deflect the attempt to tear my confidence down and move on. I think of my worth, what I will and won't put up with, and how capable I am of responding to challenges. Taking a self-defense class or doing another activity to become more aware of your stance could be helpful. Then you can respond (or ignore) from a posture of strength.

Also agree with the other posters that these guys don't deserve the time of day, and ignoring them (with strength) is a totally fine option.
posted by ramenopres at 8:00 PM on December 15, 2011


Agree with zxcvz. "Attention" is the name of the game. Give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile.
posted by stroke_count at 8:00 PM on December 15, 2011


unless you're fully committed to a verbal battle, it's not going to work. they're doing it to get a rise out of you, so if you rise, they're getting what they want.
posted by facetious at 8:01 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


I think you might have to let go of a) and c).

What these guys are thinking, feeling, and going to do again is well outside of what you have any control over. Just don't even spend your psychic energy there.

As for b) -- it depends. Some women like learning self-defense, even if they don't use it. Some like to hollaback. Some like the complete ignore. There is no one right answer and what is most "effective" at making you feel less victimized and strong may take some time to figure out.

I like the calm, cold, clear "fuck off" myself.
posted by pantarei70 at 8:01 PM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


Ignore. Not to show you're better than them, but to show that this isn't an acceptable form of social interaction and you won't acknowledge it.

Any reaction is a good reaction. They don't want a date, they don't want to flatter you, they just want a reaction. Don't give them one.
posted by sweetkid at 8:05 PM on December 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


I think it was an askme commenter who mentioned (if not coined) the phrase, "bitch shield". Basically this is something that, as a woman in a big city, it is very helpful to develop. Look straight ahead and do not acknowledge the guys' existence; do not smile. They will stop. Maybe in some areas where this kind of harassment is not that common, it's helpful to reply, but there are some areas in the U.S. or other countries where you really just can't reply each time. And the bitch shield works.
posted by bearette at 8:06 PM on December 15, 2011 [26 favorites]


Take a picture. The iphone or cellphone is perfect for this. I did this twenty pus years go with areal camera and the men hid. If you make it ocious that's what you're doing, especially with the youtube culture we're all part of now--i promise you they will be abashed and slink away
posted by uans at 8:08 PM on December 15, 2011 [15 favorites]


Response by poster: I respect that some women choose to ignore this behaviour, but I choose not to. I don't think silence is an adequate response to offensive and discriminatory behaviour against my gender. I believe that women and girls have a right to inhabit public space, and that tolerating street harassment in my society is not that many steps away from tolerating assault and rape. Since I'm lucky enough to live in a place where can safely speak out against it, I do so, every time. That said, I am specifically talking about situations where it's safe to engage and the risk of escalation is very low - I do not do this when surrounded by men in dark alleyways at night.

As an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about, today a guy ran alongside my bike, miming at groping my breasts as I rode between him and his truck, which was blocking the road. He was perhaps 10cm away from me the whole time. I rode past him, turned around and yelled, "Yeah, you know what? Harassing women on the street doesn't make you cool. It makes you a dickhead. You should be ashamed of yourself." But since I have no idea what made him think that kind of behaviour was okay, I can't really know how effective my response was. Does that kind of response leave men thinking, "Oops, maybe that was a dick move," or is it more like, "Woah, what a bitch, women suck."?
posted by embrangled at 8:09 PM on December 15, 2011 [12 favorites]


Not pus--plus
posted by uans at 8:09 PM on December 15, 2011


As much as I like the idea of you putting these assholes in their place, the truth is that giving them any attention at all is to give them more than they deserve, and probably gives them exactly what they want.

The truth is, to really deliver something that will affect them, you either need to know them, or know their peers. Since none of these things are likely, I don't see you being able to deter someone that far gone with a generic insult.

You'll spend less energy ignoring these people and going on about your business. They are insignificant cogs. Leave them to wallow in their misery--alone.
posted by Hylas at 8:12 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't think silence is an adequate response to offensive and discriminatory behaviour against my gender.

I respect that, but being ignored devalues these men. What they most want is a response, any response. I guess it might work to publicly shame them, but the majority of the time in a a large city no one else is paying attention.

Also, interacting with them is frankly a waste of time and energy, especially at the rate this kind of thing happens in some places.
posted by bearette at 8:13 PM on December 15, 2011 [8 favorites]


Maybe turn, look at them disdainfully, and say "What is wrong with you?", "What's your problem?" or "Did your mom teach you those manners?"

I have gone the "Fuck off" route, led to a guy following me. Ignore route also led to guys following me. There should be a better solution for this.
posted by Anonymous at 8:16 PM on December 15, 2011


Okay, if you're on a bike , you can't take a photo -- but really, they don't think it's okay. They wouldn't do it if their wives could see, for example. If you're on a bike, give them the finger. But if you're walking I still swear by making them face the camera
posted by uans at 8:17 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


"Could you please repeat what you said? Again, please."

"What are you doing?" / "What did you just do?" "Explain it to me. ... No, really. What just happened here?"

A simple, firm question.

If you assume being the stimulus for the behavior, you extinguish it when there's no stimulus. Also, you'll provoke self-reflection.
posted by zeek321 at 8:18 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


This is my trick, honestly, when I'm alone, scared, or just really can't be bothered. I make a *weird* face, stick my finger in my ear, anything that makes me seem like I'm just not worth the effort. Honestly. Because smiling gets you "hey, thanks for smiling beautiful!," looking angry, "why so angry beautiful?," looking scared, "dpn't be scared baby, I won't bite you!" Talking to them at all....Jackpot!

But looking kinda nuts...uh, never mind.
posted by sweetkid at 8:21 PM on December 15, 2011


(Also, you're making them "read your mind" to figure out your intention, so they are *forced* to treat you as a subject/non-object if they continue to engage. They won't be able to help it. Also, nothing I've suggested has been field-tested by anyone I know. I don't know if it works.)
posted by zeek321 at 8:21 PM on December 15, 2011


If it is a youth, you can pause in front of him, giving him an appraising up-and-down look, and say with a wink, "Heyyy sweet thing! Why don't you give me a call when your balls drop?"

I'm also a fan of shutting dudes up with something that will shock/gross them out into silence. So, like, if a dude is asking graphically for sex, get more graphic: "Sorry man, not gonna happen. Are you familiar with the term 'vaginal prolapse'?" or "I'd love to but [pointing at crotch and stage-whispering] RAGING yeast infection."
posted by hegemone at 8:28 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


You have to be REALLY LOUD. I'm talking top-of-your lungs screaming--"Fuck off," isn't enough, you have to be more loud and more vicious than that. But if you can scream, and I mean scream, GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU FUCKING FUCKER YOU HAVE A TINY DICK AND YOU WILL NEVER GET IT UP AGAIN --and you have to sound really, really vicious--they freak out. These people are bullies, and they're completely taken aback by someone bullying back. I love the idea of taking pictures with you phone.
posted by Violet Hour at 8:37 PM on December 15, 2011


I get the occasional unwanted attention in the US (honks, whistles, "how YOU doin' baby", etc) but luckily it's never been too untoward, and with that level of nastiness I am also in the 'don't respond' camp. However, I've been groped while abroad, in certain areas where obviously foreign women/blondes tend to have an "easy/fair game" reputation. This summer, two guys tried to block my path and one grabbed my arm as I went by - I was enraged to the point of forgetting all words in the scum's language, which probably served me best in the end. I flung his hand off, whirled on my heel, snapped my fingers and pointed right in his face - essentially treating him like a very bad stray dog. Something about the whole motion, and probably also the absolute "are you !%#& KIDDING ME" look in my eyes made him physically take two steps back with his hands in the air. I'm sure it didn't change his outlook on women, but it at least gave him pause in that moment.

So: something that quickly, non-verbally, and definitively shows he is beneath your contempt could be up your alley.

(Should this be safe in all instances, however, is something I can't speak to.)
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:38 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


I said this about how to deal with anti-gay bullshit on the street, but I think it still applies:

There is no panacea. Some assholes will back off with a single harsh word. Some assholes will back off when you bring up the idea of police involvement. Some assholes will back off when you escalate to physical confrontation. And some assholes are looking for an excuse to stomp you into a fucking paste.

Sorry, but walk away. Lame? Better than being paste.
posted by Etrigan at 8:42 PM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


I absolutely agree that you've got the right to be in public without being harassed. And I think that if every time these guys did this the woman would respond with something that clearly shows how disgusted she is, then perhaps it would have an effect. That being said, I can definitely understand why people would want to just ignore it rather than feeding the troll.

But since I have no idea what made him think that kind of behaviour was okay, I can't really know how effective my response was. Does that kind of response leave men thinking, "Oops, maybe that was a dick move," or is it more like, "Woah, what a bitch, women suck."?


From what I can tell, he thought this behaviour was okay because he's grown up in a world where many role models, movies, tv shows, advertisements, friends, relations, and everything else have reinforced the idea that how a woman looks is something he has a right to comment on, and that as a woman her main role in life is to be the passive receptacle for his crude advances. I don’t think there’s any one line response that could leave such a man thinking ‘Oops, maybe that was a dick move’. In his world, you ought to smile coyly and be thankful for his attention. The fact that you’re angry means that (to him) you’re frigid, you’re a bitch, you’re a slut (I’m not saying it makes sense), and so on.

I think (well, desperately hope) that such people can change, over time, but I suspect that this won’t come from a comment by a stranger (though I’d love it if it could).

I think the best thing would be to find something that makes you feel better about the encounter, and not place so much weight on whether or not it will be the epiphany that changes his mind.
posted by twirlypen at 8:51 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


This is embarrassing but I reckon it's both telling boys off and claiming cowgirl powers: I mime taking aim and firing my invisible pistol. I even go 'peeow! peeow!' blow the smoke off, re-holster and keep walking.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:52 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


i understand not wanting to ignore it, but i think answering their attention seeking behavior with any attention gives them exactly what they want.

once upon a time, i think linked in the blue, i saw a forum of street flashers that talked about how gratifying it was to disgust women and children. they wanted to be yelled at, to be insulted, to be "put in their place." pointing and laughing seemed to be one of their favorite responses. the worst thing to them was to be utterly ignored.

i'm not saying decide your course of action based upon what they want or don't want, but if your goal is to shame them, keep in mind that might be why the do it.
posted by nadawi at 8:55 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


I prefer not to engage; I'm nonconfrontational by nature and I don't think I could tell anyone off. I figure the kind of people who gesture and catcall probably are better at it. And in fights like this, the person who wins is usually the louder one, not the one who's right.

If you're in public, though, and especially if there are people around, yell something like "Hey!" or "What did you just say?" Loud enough for people to hear. It draws attention to your interaction, it puts the harasser on the spot, and it makes it clear that he started it. Having witnesses/gawkers around will give you strength. If you yell something like "fuck off" or "don't harass women, you dickhead" it won't change his mind. It might even make bystanders take his side, if they didn't witness what he did but heard you cussing him out. (When I hear someone yelling at another person in public, I think "crazy asshole." I don't think about what might have led the person to yell.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:04 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


You know, I've been thinking about this lately, and wondering what would happen if you just walked up to the harasser, stood a few feet away (out of arm's reach), and silently stared at him with a completely neutral expression on your face, without breaking eye contact, for an extremely, uncomfortably long time. I have no idea whether this would result in a continuing barrage of harassment or whether it would make the guy feel the same way that street harassment makes women feel -- creeped out and uncomfortable and vulnerable and self-conscious. I mean, even if it were the latter I doubt it would teach him not to harass people on the street, but it would be satisfying, at the very least.

I may try this someday, if I ever work up the courage.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 9:07 PM on December 15, 2011


and when they take a step to be inside of arms reach? what then?
posted by nadawi at 9:11 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Right -- obviously I'd only consider this in the case of verbal harassment (not anything remotely resembling physical assault), and if it seemed like it might escalate into something physical I'd get away as quickly as possible.

Like I said, I have no idea what would actually happen if a woman tried this (and it probably depends very heavily on the particular situation), so I'm not actually recommending it as a course of action, just mentioning it as something I've been wondering about in the many frustrating hours I've spent thinking about street harassment.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 9:15 PM on December 15, 2011


A couple of years ago I went to a Wen-do workshop. The instructor told a story about a small, older woman walking past a park at night. The woman noticed a guy had crossed the street and was walking behind her several feet. She was not feeling safe. She turned around and yelled really loudly, in a very commanding voice, BACK OFF!!! And the guy got scared and ran the other way! I love this story because this woman sounds so vulnerable (small, older, out at night) but she really claimed her space, enough to actually scare a guy off. So it can work. When the instructor yelled BACK OFF all the participants (all women) jumped, and were impressed with how much power and confidence she carried - that we can all carry.

You say you want these men to feel embarrassed and ashamed for their behavior, but they probably already feel ashamed of themselves as people, or men and that's why they harass women. They feel like they have something to prove, they want to feel bigger than others so they prey on people they see as vulnerable. I think by yelling BACK OFF really loudly and in a commanding voice, that will help you to feel less victimized and will make them think twice about harassing you next time.
posted by foxjacket at 9:18 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


"Back off" is good, actually. You're telling, not asking, and its too nonspecific to count as satisfying attention for the harasser.

Unfortunately, I find that attempts at succinct explanation are either incomprehensible or taken as an invitation to argue.
posted by desuetude at 9:25 PM on December 15, 2011


I have been known to mutter something along the lines of "Yes because that's going to make me sleep with you", or ignored them and just kept walking while flipping them off over my shoulder. I have only done this in the smallish country town I was from in Australia, where everyone pretty much knows everyone. Would I say it in a busy US city probably not, but I'd still roll my eyes.
posted by wwax at 9:25 PM on December 15, 2011


I will probably get howled down for this, but you know what's worked for me? Going psycho, like stalking up to them and yelling, "HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN BOOBS BEFORE? HALF THE PLANET HAVE THEM, AND PISSWEAK PIECES OF SHIT LIKE YOU NEVER GET NEAR THEM BECAUSE YOU'RE RUDE FUCKWITS. FUCK OFF, LOSER, GO HOME TO YOUR CAT AND YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR DATSUN 180B."

And then take a deep breath, look them up and down with a look of disdain that my grandmother would give someone with neck tattoos and facial piercings. Walk away, don't rush, don't meander. Just go about your business and forget them.

Perhaps having red hair - and thus stereotyped as an uncontrollable psycho anyway - helps.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:35 PM on December 15, 2011 [12 favorites]


Hold up phone: "Say that again, I'm filming it for the police/the internet/etc." Obviously don't do if you feel like it's an unsafe situation.
posted by cairdeas at 9:37 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Does that kind of response leave men thinking, "Oops, maybe that was a dick move," or is it more like, "Woah, what a bitch, women suck."?

Neither. They're just trying to get a reaction, and they'll be thrilled even with a negative one.

I think the camera suggestion is good.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:38 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Hollaback! is a website and app for uploading and tracking pictures of harassers and their locations. It's pretty awesome.
posted by Jon_Evil at 9:42 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


My friend likes to loudly gather as much mucus from her throat as she can, and proceed to spit a big loogie (sp?) onto the ground.
posted by whalebreath at 9:43 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'd go with ignoring it, which is how I normally deal with occasional abuse from motorists when riding my bike (I'm a guy though, as you know). It just gives them a win if they feel like they've ruffled your feathers. When walking, you could wear sunglasses and perhaps visible earphones so there's a plausible argument that you actually didn't hear or see them. Not always, though (eg the guy today) and it increases your risk alone or at night of muggings or worse, wearing headphones, so it's horses for courses.

But since you asked specifically about responding in an empowering way, do you have a good line in contemptuous, withering looks? Women I've known have said that just looking a guy up & down briefly with a look of "WTF? I wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire" followed up with a subtle "yeah, right" kind of snorting stifled laugh, then turning away & moving on purposefully. The look should be like half a second or less, just a "what was that? Oh, just a piece of shit, nothing to bother about"

The plus side of this, I guess, is that by not *saying* anything, you haven't given them as much to respond to. It's more a kind of contemptuous version of "meh", or an eyeroll.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:48 PM on December 15, 2011


My friend likes to loudly gather as much mucus from her throat as she can, and proceed to spit a big loogie (sp?) onto the ground.

Ahh yeah! That's actually one I loved to do when I lived in NYC. Anything -- hawk a loogie, belch super loudly, blatantly pick your nose, fart. It's so funny. It's so funny to see their reaction of horror. The only thing that sucks is that some guys keep hitting on you after you do this, they are totally undeterred.
posted by cairdeas at 9:52 PM on December 15, 2011


I'm very confrontational, and I've luckily never gotten into any physical altercations. One of my favorites is to look the offender up and down with a look of utter disdain and shout "Wow, you are really pathetic!" Loud enough for everyone around to hear with a little laughter at the end for effect.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 10:01 PM on December 15, 2011


For a long time, my favorite comeback has been "Your mother must be so proud of you". Sometimes accompanied by a middle finger, sometimes not.

When I am in a particularly evil mood, if my harasser is not alone, I will pick a physical attribute of his own to make fun of, and I will exploit it (he's bald, big nose, short, fat, etc.) often leading to a laugh from his colleague. It ain't pretty, but I can usually make the dude squirm. Generally if the offensive behavior is turned back on him, and his peers mock (and they will mock), you get a tiny bit of satisfaction from the exchange. It's not the high road, but it is the path I choose to take when I can't ignore it anymore.
posted by msali at 10:04 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Don't do this. I have responded a couple of times with quips, and it just escalated the situation. You want someone like that out of your life as soon as possible. Responding to them only gives them the opportunity to engage you more.
posted by effluvia at 10:06 PM on December 15, 2011


If you're intent on saying something back, I would try to mention something about his mother. There's nothing like being reminded of your mother to make you feel embarrassed and ashamed.
posted by defreckled at 10:37 PM on December 15, 2011


I have had good luck with repeating whatever they said back to me, at the top of my lungs. "EXCUSE ME BUT DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WANTED TO SNIFF MY PUSSY?! IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D THINK THAT'S AN OK THING TO SAY, IT SEEMS KIND OF RUDE TO ME!" This usually got a muttered apology and a slinking away. This was from callow youths, though.
posted by KathrynT at 10:53 PM on December 15, 2011 [8 favorites]


It is telling that you're hearing responses that clash. "I cursed at one guy, and he followed me. Then I ignored another guy and he followed me." Or, "I picked my nose and he kept coming, undeterred." You are asking for a tool that will effect consistent results from irrational people, and that's a tall order.

I totally get your argument that silence equals tolerance equals slippery slope. I agree. And I'd love to advise you that the camera idea is great; but unless you're in a really public place and feel confident that the strangers around you are the type of people who will defend you in a pinch, I'd advise you that snapping a photo amounts to raising the stakes on an aggressive encounter with an irrational individual. That is potentially unsafe and often unwise.

Your first concern has to be your own safety, and you rightly identified the second concern as what response will be effective. Rational rules. But then you veered off-target a bit. "Tolerance is intolerable" is a sentiment I share and agree with...but it is not a counterargument to, "No response you can give in that moment is really going to be effective."
posted by cribcage at 11:07 PM on December 15, 2011


As an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about, today a guy ran alongside my bike, miming at groping my breasts as I rode between him and his truck, which was blocking the road. He was perhaps 10cm away from me the whole time. I rode past him, turned around and yelled, "Yeah, you know what? Harassing women on the street doesn't make you cool. It makes you a dickhead. You should be ashamed of yourself." But since I have no idea what made him think that kind of behaviour was okay, I can't really know how effective my response was. Does that kind of response leave men thinking, "Oops, maybe that was a dick move," or is it more like, "Woah, what a bitch, women suck."?

If you want to let him know that's not OK call the police and tell them a man has gotten out of his truck and is chasing you on your bike on foot making sexual gestures. Give them his license plate number and wait nearby until they show up. He'll figure it out pretty f'ing fast. This also works well when the guy is dumb enough to harass you while on company time or while working for someone you know or a business you are a customer of.

I tend to go with either a) ignore or b) nuke it from space. I don't see the point of any other option.
posted by fshgrl at 11:15 PM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


Or c) the BACK OFF option mentioned above. I look quite sweet but have a proper farm girl Git up there! that straightens people right the hell up. I had a drunk belligerent guy demand my wallet once and I said Back Off! and he apologized and went down the block where he came from.

Then I called the cops and they came and arrested him. Dumbass.
posted by fshgrl at 11:22 PM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


I quite like the response "Do you talk to your mother like that?"
Or use "sister" or "wife" or "girlfriend", but not everyone has one of those.

If anything is going to induce a little bit of shame, MAYBE this would. (Probably not, though, knowing that sort of guy.)

Usually I just give them the finger. No eye contact, no facial expression that recognises I heard. Just keep walking/riding, with the middle finger extended in their direction.
posted by lollusc at 11:30 PM on December 15, 2011


I know exactly what you're talking about Embrangled. It's different here in Australia for women. Usually. I read here how our sisters in the US are treated by men as they walk down the street, and I"m aghast. Here is what my FB status was this morning...

"I AM A LEGEND! And an idiot. Saw three men wrestling on the ground outside a tobacconist...two mostly on top of the other...swearing like drunken sailors on shore leave. I marched up to them, told the three of them, VERY VERY loudly that I didn't care what the three of them were up to but that the swearing had to stop immediately and that it was very, very rude manners, particularly in front of all the little children at Christmas time. I got a round of applause from the onlookers...it may or may not have been a plain clothes arrest..and I may or may not have publicly chastised an arresting officer, mid arrest.

Perhaps the handcuffs were the give away....But at least the swearing stopped and they all apologised."

and then...

"Even the guy on the ground with a knee on his head, hands behind his back and jeans halfway down his arse managed to look up and say sorry. The power of THE MOTHER TONE. My own mother was legendary at it. Thanks Verona, a skill I cherish."

So my darling, that's what you do.... THE MOTHER TONE...

"I beg your pardon, young man? Did you REALLY just do/say/touch/lick/eat/drive/root/pick that?"
posted by taff at 12:19 AM on December 16, 2011 [6 favorites]


By the way, it was outside the CTC Tobacconist at Broadway Shopping Centre. I was sitting opposite in the little sushi restaurant with LittleTaff and ToddlerTaff.
posted by taff at 12:30 AM on December 16, 2011


Check out this "Warzone" documentary here.

It is made by a woman who is fed up with comments from strangers on the street. Her confrontational style, (together with camera and microphone) make those ballsy strangers pretty uncomfortable. It makes for interesting viewing.
posted by guy72277 at 12:33 AM on December 16, 2011


"Sorry about your penis." This is also gratifying to yell after cars with annoyingly loud mufflers.
posted by Addlepated at 12:42 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


Well, the following (in conjunction with actually calling the cops) fulfilled your condition b) for one woman in NYC, responding to one incident: "You think that shit is funny? You like hitting [or harassing, etc] women, huh? You think that's the correct way to act? Whatsamatterwityou?"

I originally found this on Stop Street Harassment's twitter feed.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 1:14 AM on December 16, 2011


Unfortunately, there isn't any "one size fits all" response to this kind of jerk: some will stop when ignored, some take that as incentive to ramp it up; some stop if you yell at them, some love that they've got a reaction, ANY reaction. Best response I ever heard of was a friend of mine: she got off work late, and was confronted by three huge guys as she was walking to the subway.... "hey babe, whatcha doin'?" She said she didn't think, she was just tired from a long day, when she just snapped: "WHAT am I DOING?!? I'm getting on the damn subway WHAT'S IT TO YOU!!!" Apparently she came across as comletely nuts, and the jerks backed off. YMMV.

One thing you can do, in cases like that grope-miming truck driver, is CALL THEIR EMPLOYER: just about every commercial vehicle has the company's phone number and website on it. Assuming it's safe for you to do so, go ahead and take a picture of the jerk as well as the truck (and its license plate); otherwise, just make a mental note of the contact info, location, time and date, maybe stop a block or so away to write it all down, then call his employer and calmly explain to them what their employee just did...... few companies like it when their employees (their public face) act like that.
posted by easily confused at 3:21 AM on December 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


As an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about, today a guy ran alongside my bike, miming at groping my breasts as I rode between him and his truck, which was blocking the road. He was perhaps 10cm away from me the whole time. I rode past him, turned around and yelled, "Yeah, you know what? Harassing women on the street doesn't make you cool. It makes you a dickhead. You should be ashamed of yourself." But since I have no idea what made him think that kind of behaviour was okay, I can't really know how effective my response was. Does that kind of response leave men thinking, "Oops, maybe that was a dick move," or is it more like, "Woah, what a bitch, women suck."?

Well, you were there, what was his reaction?

I'm betting that particular response left him amused and he later related the story to some buddies about how he'd gotten a rise outta "some hot chick with great tits". Men, in general, tend to challenge each other a lot, to see who's smarter, wittier, stronger, etc. By the rules of that game, your response means you lose, because not only did he get under your skin but you let him see that he did.

You can't win that game, based on your response, because you don't know what game is going on. Whether to play that game is up to you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:52 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


"Wow - what a very little man you really are." Doesn't actually matter how tall / wide they look - they'll get the picture. Or maybe just a straightforward "You are a spiteful person," said calmly and loudly enough to get the attention of others in the vicinity.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 4:18 AM on December 16, 2011


"Wow - what a very little man you really are."

This would probably work well if the guy is with several of his buddies. He's attempting to establish his status by showing how bad ass he can be but getting a rise out a woman. A quick "Feeling the need to overcompensate for shortage elsewhere, eh" quip would cut him down to size in front of his friends.

Martha's remark is in the same mood, but leaves room for him to back "Little baby?! Come over here and I'll show you little" or some such. If you're going to do an honest to good put down, you need to leave as little room as possible for a comeback.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:36 AM on December 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Laugh, and then with cheerful contempt/pity: "Wow, does that ever work for you?"
posted by availablelight at 5:33 AM on December 16, 2011


It's all about attitude. Don't show that you're outraged, or upset. Stare pointedly at their crotch and say witheringly, "You've GOT to be kidding me!". Then shake your head sadly and leave.

Or stop, turn and walk a bit closer to them, and ask, in a deadpan, totally unemotional voice, "What did you say? Excuse me, what did you just say? And what, exactly, was your purpose here? What did you hope to accomplish?" The important thing here is that no matter what their response is, you don't get ruffled, you keep on responding to them as if they were children. If they say they want to fuck you, you say, "What was that? I can't hear you. Say it louder, so the whole class can hear. Did you say you want to FUCK me?!" Part of the trick here is for you to say the word "fuck" very loudly, thereby showing that you are not intimidated by their language. That's also why it's important to never appear upset. They want to make you feel uncomfortable, and what you want to do is let them know that it's not working, and that all they're succeeding in doing is making themselves look like children. "Did you really get up this morning, put on that LOVELY (said sarcastically, while rolling your eyes) shirt, and think to yourself, 'I'm going to go bestow the grace and elegance of my debonaire self on a lovely lady by telling her she has great tata's! Yes, that's the ticket, that's exactly what I'll do! And then, perhaps, we can have a luncheon at a fine dining establishment!' What a fine plan that was! What a brilliant strategist you are! I must say, its surprising you're not making the rounds of all the morning talk shows, explaining your extremely successful method of picking up women. I'm sure all your buddies here must run to you for advice about ladies all the time!"
Then turn and walk away.

Acting crazy works, too. But you have to go full-on crazy: "WHAT?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MOTHERFUCKER?!? YOU FUCKING PENCIL-DICKED PUS-OOZING DICKWAD, IF YOU TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR TESTICLES WITH MY BARE HANDS AND MAKE YOU EAT THEM FOR DINNER!" You need to scream this, and wave your arms around, and spit and froth at the mouth, and EMBRACE THE CRAZY, just get totally into it, so that they believe that you are insane enough that you actually would try to tear off their testicles. I've used this method in New York City, and it's a beautiful sight to see the passers-by stop to gawk at them, and then applaud you when you're finished yelling.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:03 AM on December 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


I sometimes respond and it's not universally unproductive. I think that as others have shown, there are various dynamics at play in different sitations - is the guy solo or with buddies? Is this free time or are they at work? What was the instigating incident?

So probably the best bet is to read up on all the different responses and have them in your back pocket.

-Ignore
-Answer back
a. with a takedown
b. with "Mother Tone" - love that, wish it worked better here
c. with BACK OFF
- Turn the tables - calling an employer, taking a picture, public shaming or running down the person and calling the police like cybercoitus interruptus' story describes all puncture the perceived power differential on the part of the harrasser. I love that in that story the guy was just utterly surprised.

I personally suspect that this harassing behavior is just enabled by the 'ignore' mechanism. When you choose to ignore - and sometimes you have to, for reasons of safety or just that it's not your style to confront - you basically are forced to choose getting away from the harrasser this one time over helping to make conditions better for all women at all times. I don't fault that choice, but what happens is that it creates a culture of tolerance, and harassers know they can expect probably nothing in response, maybe a middle finger or a shouted 'fuck off'. Neither gives them a damn thing to think about or a reason to change their behavior. They do laugh when they get it because they see that level of resistance as pathetic and are more thrilled with the score their boy just made by targeting a stranger.

So when it seems like conditions are on your side to turn the tables, I believe it is worth doing. I was once catcalled by three teenage boys. I was about 27 at the time and was flabbergasted. They were sitting on a bench on a downtown street; it was daylight and other people were around. I looked over at them, they were snorting and laughing, and I crossed the street and walked right up to them. This alone totally shocked them. I can't remember exactly what I asked, but I asked them something straight up like "Why did you say that?" they got all foot-starey and shuffley and smirky and someone said something like "IT's a compliment, chill out." I then said something about how it's not a compliment, it's not something women usually like, how would they feel if their mother/sister/girlfriend had to deal with this etc. I am sure that the moral weight of my message did not fully sink in. But in fact that wasn't the main point. The embarrassment of the situation - "Oh God, we hollered at this lady and she CAME OVER and HARANGUED US for like, 5 minutes" - was sufficient. I wasted their time and they really, really did NOT want the kind of attention I was giving them. THis is the only time I've been able to do that so successfully. It's a bittersweet fact that I don't get catcalled much anymore so I haven't had to call on any skillz in a while. BUt I think the answer is there's no one right answer. It's situational, you have a lot of different options, and if you ever feel it's safe to indeed communicate that this behavior is just unacceptable - by direct response, by taking photos, calling employers, or calling the police or security wherever you are - then go ahead and do it.

I actually think this is the best road of all, because as Brandon Blatcher notes, retorts (no matter how clever or humiliating we hope they are) often just roll right into the basic game of "I score points with my buddies by zinging you."
posted by Miko at 6:10 AM on December 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


today a guy ran alongside my bike...

As a guy I'm not going to have much insight, but as a daily bike rider I try to ignore most yelled comments and for anything more threatening I try to get the plate# and call the police and/or employer (if it is a commercial vehicle).

But if someone was running alongside me and harassing me? Honestly my only thought would be "I wish I had an airhorn clipped to my handlebars right now."

But I always feel best when I am able to report someone - whether to their company or the police. I have gotten good results in both cases and felt very satisfied and empowered after the fact.

If the person harassing you is on a job site, it's easy to report them. Less so the random person on the street. If it is anything even vaguely threatening how about stopping right there and calling the police (and maybe taking a picture). "Hello I am at this location and someone just said they want to X my Y and I feel very threatened. Can you send someone to help?"

Not sure if that would work in your location with your police department. But if so it would fulfill the goals of embarrassment and reducing the chance of that person bothering you again.
posted by mikepop at 6:11 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm with you, embrangled. I used to do the "you don't even exist to me" ignore, but after a 12-year-old girl got groped in my neighborhood this summer, I decided that I can't silently accept any behavior that contributes to my community being less safe for women.

So, I simply started asking them to repeat themselves. I just say "what?" or "pardon?" Start to take my earphones out like I really didn't hear. Not in a dumb way or a confrontational way, just a straight up, neutral request to repeat. It's so simple because I don't have to think about a situation-appropriate response on the spot, which was key for me. And I look them right in the face which can be satisfying in itself because even guys who don't back down have this momentary hilarious look of utter surprise that you dare talk back.

But so far, without fail, they have declined to repeat what they said. I have gotten "I didn't say anything" or "I said 'good morning'" or "I was talking to somebody else." I guess I have it in my head that if they actually did dare repeat their harassment, I'd just say "don't do that" or "don't sexually harass your neighbors" and walk away, but so far that's been moot. In the case of a mimed threat like you got, (we are being harassed by mime now? WTF universe?), maybe "don't threaten your neighbors"? I'm a fan of the imperative mood here, it's an active seizing of authority while still being sufficiently detached. Although with the mimed groping I might make a bigger stink with photos and calling police just because of the previously mentioned actual groper, who was never caught.

I obviously don't know how these guys are feeling during these interactions. Maybe I'm giving them more of what they want than if I'd ignored, maybe not. Personally just from the vibe I get in my area, these aren't the flasher-types who are looking to get a thrill from being shamed, but rather the guys who like to put a woman in her place. Your vibes may be different. But I care more about how I feel about it than how they do, and generally I feel good to have claimed back some agency without getting into an insult contest. OK, maybe not good--but not bad.

I should also say that every instance is different and sometimes I don't feel safe enough to respond and other times it just happens too fast to do anything. I listen to my gut and forgive myself when I don't respond perfectly. Don't forget you shouldn't have to deal with this at all.
posted by lampoil at 6:13 AM on December 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


Yay for you! (These)Men do this vile crap because they can. It creates a hostile world for women. It creates an atmosphere that says it's okay to disrespect women. I don't think you can win a verbal war. Guys who are bullies especially need to 'win' in public, in front of their peers.

You could print some short (4 on a page) responses, and leaflet them or poster the site.
"Cat-calling = Disrespecting Women"
"Is this how you want your Daughter/Mom to be treated?"
"Catcalling = Bullying"
"Women don't find bullying attractive"
"You'd look a lot better if you weren't a bully."
And call the employer. Complain. Call the police. Complain. Write to the newspaper. Make a fuss. Bullying doesn't do well when exposed for what it is.
posted by theora55 at 6:52 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


Watch this movie, it has the best comeback ever.
posted by Tom-B at 7:00 AM on December 16, 2011


As a guy, I'm really at a loss to give any reasoning to this kind of behavior. Running along side a woman biking and making hand gestures? I never understood the facination with cat-calling, either.

I mean, the mentality to be at a level where they think some woman is going to turn around like a Penthouse story and rock his world? Or is it some power thing? I don't really know. I never got it. And I can't recall having any friends who engaged in it, either.

But, that being said, for the specific instance/environment you are talking about (public, you feel safe engaging, etc), then making a mini-scene is the way to go.

I highly recommend against the bat-shit-crazy approach, because then you end up being the bat-shit-crazy woman who just went off on some guy out of nowhere. Depending on your target, you'll have to vary your response (young kids, construction workers, seemingly 'normal' middle aged men, if they're in a group, if they're alone, etc).

But, especially if they're not in a group, you want to grab the attention of people around you. "So the "excuse me? Did you just ask me blah blah blah?" loud enough to get some heads to move. Then following it with a form of the "your mother must be sooo proud of you, sitting there, harassing innocent women as they pass by trying to go to work. Is that what you do for work? Sit here and harass people?" etc, etc...
posted by rich at 7:02 AM on December 16, 2011


Actually I was going to relate a little story that ties into what lampoil was saying above.

I just moved into a new neighborhood. I like going for runs. The nature of my neighborhood is such that I can't go for a run without running through kind of industrial areas, as well as projects. This means that I tend to run past a lot of men in groups. I always run in the daytime.

Now, just regular catcalling I tend to ignore, because it's not worth interrupting my running for, plus I'm listening to music, so we can have the fiction that I just didn't hear them. But the other day a guy persisted for a while. We were in quite a busy area so I stopped, pulled out my earbuds and asked him what he said. He got a bit embarrassed and said something like how I was fine. And I said "you know what? I live around here. I'm your neighbor. You don't do that to your neighbors, it's harrassing and disrespectful." I said it really mildly and kind of sadly, and he apologised. I was not expecting that. I was just going to say it and run off.

Thing is, I might not ever do that again. I made a split second decision that this was an appropriate (i.e. safe) circumstance. But it worked, so I thought I'd put it out there.
posted by gaspode at 7:22 AM on December 16, 2011 [13 favorites]


Carry a water pistol. Give those dickheads a wet spot where it's the most embarrassing.
posted by No Shmoobles at 7:22 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you work with guys like this, or eat lunch at places where guys who do this eat, you will learn that they find anything, anything at all, that is a response hilarious.

If they are not on a job site or in a truck so they can be reported, ignore.

It is never, ever, a good idea to respond to bad behavior (unless there's a physical safety issue like a small child running towards the street.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:39 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


I highly recommend against the bat-shit-crazy approach, because then you end up being the bat-shit-crazy woman who just went off on some guy out of nowhere.

I understand what you're saying here, but this is victim-think. This is what women are taught all our lives; don't make a fuss. Don't cause problems. Make everyone happy. Always act like a lady. Keep unpleasant emotions to yourself.

Fuck that shit.

Personally, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. But even if I did, someone who thinks I'm crazy because I went off on a person who threatened me - well, they're part of the problem. I have every right to get enraged. In fact, as alluded to upstream, I have a responsibility to society to get enraged; to make it known that this is not acceptable behavior, so that they will think twice before doing it to someone else.

Maybe if all women started reacting this way, eventually bystanders would stop thinking of women who do this as bat shit crazy, and start thinking that the guys being yelled at must be real assholes. Which is what they should be thinking.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:42 AM on December 16, 2011 [13 favorites]


MexicanYenta - my point was that bystanders may not have heard the harassment, so now it's just some person screaming at another person out of nowhere. I don't think it's victim-think. She want to feel empowered. So keeping a rational mind and making sure people around her know what is going on is better than giving the cat-caller the ability to gather support and point and say "crazy woman."
posted by rich at 7:47 AM on December 16, 2011


I was hurrying out when I made my previous comment (note to self - don't post and rush) and tend to agree with Brandon's Blatcher's point about not leaving room for comeback. It will be a lot to do with the tone and emphasis of whatever it is you say as much as the words, but BB is quite right about context and leaving no wriggle room.

I was on my way somewhere a few years ago and crossed paths with a couple of schoolboys, probably mid-teens or so. One of then said "Nice tits" to me, loudly as they walked towards me. I said just as loudly back, "Cheeky little bleeder" as they drew level, instantly silencing the giggles and occasioning a lot of looking very closely at the floor. I actually felt bad for a moment after I'd said it - they were teenagers and I was in my early thirties and I'd sworn at them and raised my voice (not shouted but it was loud). Then I thought well, maybe they'll think twice in the future about doing it to some other girl or woman who might not have been feeling quite as bolshy as I happened to be just then.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 7:55 AM on December 16, 2011


"I would like to better understand what goes on in the minds of men who harass women on the street"

I think it's a shame you didn't get any reply from the perspective of a man who comes on to strangers in the street (which is presumably how they regard their behavior). Do they think they're being friendly or are going to get laid? As a man who can't even make eye contact with a woman in the street, I'd be curious to know the answer, and I think it might help you in finding responses to it. However, given the 59 responses above, I doubt any such man is going to post here.
posted by Gomoryhu at 8:35 AM on December 16, 2011


In addition to snarling "back off," stopping to yell "EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" in your most thundering, confrontational bellow is good, too. Follow it up with an order like "SHOW SOME RESPECT!" Don't worry about making a rational argument against the actual comment that they made, react to the objectifying behavior with outraged behavior.

The defensive of this sort of street harassment often comes back to "all I said was hey baby" (or whatever) leaving women in the position of trying to describe all the nonverbal stuff, which is then dismissed as subjective or imagined. Fine, we're pretending this is about words? Then I'll react to what you meant.
posted by desuetude at 9:01 AM on December 16, 2011


i live in a big city and this happens multiple times daily. it's worse in the summer. my go-to phrases include (because i do feel the need to retort but don't want to expend much energy doing so):

"you're pathetic"
"go fuck yourself"
"really? that's your big move?"

it took me two years to get these to roll off the tongue in a heartbeat, but i learned pretty damn quick when i moved to my city that these were good (for my own mental health) to have in the holster.
posted by crawfo at 9:33 AM on December 16, 2011


I have also been meaning to ask Metafilter this same question for a long time, but I expected variations of “just ignore it” and “scream your head off at them,” neither of which I’ve found helpful. The former makes me feel helpless and the second has sometimes led to escalation.

I’ve also noticed that safety advice and tune-out-the-harassment advice seem to be in dangerous conflict. I think sunglasses have helped and I plan to wear headphones without playing music, but over and over I read that headphones make people look vulnerable. Ditto for pretending to be on the phone. And certainly sunglasses and headphones would not be okay at all at night. Also, some harassment is meant to be a test for whether or not you’ll react passively to a violent attack, so it seems like you’re required to “react assertively,” whatever that means.

I have been trying to follow the advice in Al Marrewa’s The Feminine Warrior, relevant excerpt here, with mixed results. The author, a male self-defense instructor, advises the reader to make eye contact and say something brief like “Grow up,” but not to break stride. But if the woman somehow senses that the harassment is a test, she should loudly yell “Back off!” and things other people have mentioned, such as “What did you just say to me?!” The problem is, the last few times I’ve been harassed, I didn’t even see the man; one came up behind me and followed me while I was distracted by some very loud musicians, and another while I was looking into a shop window. When I remembered the eye contact rule about five seconds too late, I paused and turned to look at them, which in both cases just prolonged the annoyance. From the prolonging-the-harassment angle, it was a loss, but from the I-need-to-know-what-this-possible-assailant-looks-like perspective, it seemed necessary. Except it was about another 10-30 seconds before I could even think of a comeback like “Back off,” or “No, I’m not your mama, are you lost?” And it was about 10 minutes more before I even remembered that I had cameras, so no Hollaback for me.

I don’t know what motivates these men, but I would say it varies, since the spectrum seems to range from playful-if-still-annoying "compliments" to downright viciousness. (I think men often seem defensive/dismissive of complaints about street harassment because they believe it's invariably done in the spirit of playfulness, not hostility.) I’ve had a few male friends—in their 20s, college-educated, with no real shortage of girlfriends and sisters and female friends, who engaged in bugging women from cars or windows in my presence. Notably, one had actually said to me that he “didn’t harass women,” then a few minutes later saw a couple of students walking by outside and leaned out his window to yell “Hoes!” I pointed out this insane doublethink to him and he owned up to it, but I don't know if it stuck. I mean, this was a guy who prided himself on his egalitarianism, who'd been reading critical texts about gender in his sociology classes. Feeling entitled to comment on and yell at strange women must be very deeply ingrained by a young age.

tl;dr: Basically, what crawfo said.
posted by ziggly at 10:44 AM on December 16, 2011


Without looking at them, give them the middle finger while you continue to walk.
posted by spaltavian at 10:54 AM on December 16, 2011


Spit. Not at them, but at the ground near your own feet or in the space between you and them, while looking right at them. It expresses contempt and also, since it's not ladylike, it can be slightly shocking - which is fun. That's what I used to do, back when street harassment was a huge issue for me.
posted by hazleweather at 11:13 AM on December 16, 2011


Honestly, your initial response sounds fantastic. The only time I've been harrassed in public as an adult (boob squeeze) I was too upset and scared to say anything other than "fuck off."

You rock for shouting back. You rock for even thinking about the best way to shout back. Fuck silence. If you feel safe, go ahead and give the guy a full diatribe on how what he's doing is not okay. If I saw you doing that, I would buy you a drink.
posted by teraspawn at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2011


A boob squeeze is assault.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:34 PM on December 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Another thing that I never tried when I was younger but would like to try in the future is just replying in a really matter of fact way as I keep walking.

This would have to depend on the scenario. For the guys who think they're being flirtatious/complimentary/cute:

"Did you know that makes me feel like shit?" or "Did you know that makes me feel really judged." or "Did you know that makes me feel really unsafe" or "Did you know that makes me want to cry?"

For guys who say something really disgusting/intended to upset me:

"It seems like you're trying to upset me. Why?"/"Why are you trying to upset me?" Or just, "Huh, you're trying to upset me."

These are rhetorical questions, I wouldn't stick around to hear the replies.
posted by cairdeas at 3:48 PM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't recommend this, but I have done this. I actually stop, go over to them, sit down with them and ask them why they did/said that. Completely emotionally neutral. I become their therapist and keep digging down. Get them to own up, by themselves, how stupid their behavior is, how they feel, why they feel that way. Is this who they want to be in life, etc. I also bring their mother/daughters/sisters/grandmothers into the conversation. Get them to talk about how they love the women in their lives, etc. It always amazes me how people see how bad their actions are, once they see how that action relates to their own family, but they can't come to that conclusion on their own.

It's really satisfying to get people to own up to their shit. But like I said, I don't recommend it.
posted by Vaike at 4:37 PM on December 16, 2011


About this time I'd be pulling out my pepper spray.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:11 PM on December 16, 2011


Some of these retorts I think would only cause these guys to laugh, or react with mock surprise/sympathy. I imagine grade school bullies have the same mindset as long as they know they have the upper hand and expect no threat. And I don't think the "Do you talk to your mom like that?" stuff would work often because they can always claim she's dead, or that they hated her anyway.

One idea is to pause, smile, wag your finger, say "Heyyy, I know you!" and walk away, leaving them befuddled/concerned (sort of like yelling "Hey what's up?!" as you drive by a porn shop that a guy is entering or leaving).

Or you could go the guilt-inducing route and say "Please, not today," someone close to you died, or some other tragedy. Even if they show no guilt there, they probably will once you're gone.

Of course, any retort depends on if you feel relatively safe in that environment. I think whatever method is effective, the key would be to humanize yourself, and make them see you as a living, breathing, feeling person, not some generic sex object. And disorienting them probably helps too.

Personally, I've always wanted to try this.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 4:24 AM on December 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


One idea is to pause, smile, wag your finger, say "Heyyy, I know you

Hey! This might actually work, because then they wonder if you know their wife/mom/kid's teacher/older brother who keeps telling them not to disrespect women.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:21 PM on December 20, 2011


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