Gym dilemma.
December 15, 2011 8:15 AM   Subscribe

What should I do if I see a painfully thin person exercising very hard at the gym?

This happened to me yesterday. The lady in front of me was on the wave machine for half an hour, clearly pushing herself very, very hard. She was extremely, skeletally thin.

Now, I don't know anything about this woman. For all I know, she is recovering from a wasting disease and this exercise regimen is important for her health, or she is just naturally that size, or any number of other things.

But if she was suffering from compulsive exercising, anorexia, bulimia or anything in that family of problems, I found myself thinking, maybe having a chat with a concerned stranger at the gym would help her out. I don't know many people with eating disorders, and I don't know anything about eating disorders, but I am a person who cares, and I am a good listener.

I wanted to say something like "I'm sorry if this is none of my business, but you look like you're pushing yourself really hard. Are you okay?"

She left while I was in the bathroom, before I could pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. I feel awful that I might have missed an opportunity to help someone. Should I have gone over and said something? Or are there lots of naturally thin people in gyms being interrupted in the middle of their workouts by nosy do-gooders? If this situation comes up again, what should I do?

I asked this question on Reddit originally, but they have mostly just called me names, so I thought I would ask you wise metafilterians.
posted by teraspawn to Health & Fitness (37 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It's not your business. If this person wants help, she will ask for it. If she doesn't, well, that's her choice. Leave her alone.
posted by dfriedman at 8:18 AM on December 15, 2011 [31 favorites]


I'm sorry, teraspawn, but it sounds to me like unless you actually see her collapse, or she genuinely looks in danger of injury, you ought to mind your own business.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:19 AM on December 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


Say nothing. I would personally tell you to mind your own business.
posted by ddaavviidd at 8:19 AM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I think the best thing to do in this situation is not to do anything.

It is likely this person is not alone in the world. They have family members or friends who realize that they are sick. Let them take on the mantle of caring for her.

It's very admirable to want to help these people, but they're likely to brush you off or get angry for you nosing into their business.

If it's your thing, try to raise awareness of eating disorders in your community. That's the only thing you can do to help.
posted by royalsong at 8:19 AM on December 15, 2011 [15 favorites]


There's no dilemma. You should leave her alone.
posted by CheeseLouise at 8:19 AM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'd leave her alone. Strangers giving unsolicited advice aren't usually received well. And if she has an eating disorder, she probably won't listen to you anyway.
posted by devymetal at 8:19 AM on December 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


This person is an adult, clearly not a child? Then mind your own business.
posted by easily confused at 8:20 AM on December 15, 2011


I appreciate that you have the very best of intentions in your thought re: approaching this woman, but this is a very contentious conversation to have with anyone, let alone someone to whom you've never spoken and about whom you know absolutely nothing.

Speak to her only if you have no worries or qualms about coming across as a potentially offensive ass. Hope that she has someone close to her that will watch out for her health.
posted by litnerd at 8:20 AM on December 15, 2011


None of your business.

I am very thin (maybe not painfully, but you can see my ribs when I'm wearing a running bra), and very healthy. I'm training for my first marathon, and would be mortified if someone addressed me about my weight. I eat like a horse, and it's nobody's business.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:22 AM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


There are emaciated people at every gym I've belonged to. It's no one's business--for all the potential reasons that you mentioned and maybe especially if it is an ed/anorexia. I want to believe that the staff would say something to a member that was risking their health.
posted by marimeko at 8:23 AM on December 15, 2011


Response by poster: Okay, the consensus over the internet seems to be to leave things be. Thank you for your help everyone, now I will know what to do next time.
posted by teraspawn at 8:23 AM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Now, I don't know anything about this woman. For all I know, she is recovering from a wasting disease and this exercise regimen is important for her health, or she is just naturally that size, or any number of other things.

And that is precisely why "what you should do" is "nothing."

I am not thus any more, but when I was in my 20's I had a metabolism on hyperdrive, and was stubbornly stuck at only 120 pounds no matter how much or little I exercised or how much I ate. I also looked skeletally thin (my parents kept giving me fucking pamphlets about anorexia, for god's sake, until I told them to knock it off), but I was stuffing myself and it wasn't doing a damn thing. Only aging took care of it.

And back then, it always got me REALLY PISSED when people remarked about how skinny I was, because there wasn't a FUCKING THING I could do about it. ("Gosh, you think I should eat? Wow, because that's something I've never tried -- come on, seriously, you think I'm that dumb?").

Unless you see her faint or something, remind yourself that no, you DON'T know her circumstances, and leave her the hell alone.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:23 AM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I understand the desire to help, but consider this: if you read a lot of answers to other questions here, you'll see exercise being suggested as part of a solution to many difficulties, physical, mental, and emotional. If this woman has any sort of a problem at all, working out hard may be part of the solution for her.

Do you want to be the person who spoils her workout? Do you want to be maybe the Nth person to do that, which leads her to decide to give up on working out entirely, because it's just not relaxing when this happens?

Your chances of helping anything by speaking up are pretty low, whereas your chances of actually causing some harm by doing so seem rather higher to me.

There's kind of a guideline at the gym that you don't interrupt someone to offer advice or criticism of their technique or anything like that, unless they're doing something that is immediately life-threatening. It's a pretty good guideline to follow.
posted by FishBike at 8:23 AM on December 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


I'm a former anorexic, and I can tell you that it was super, super triggering and not at all helpful when concerned people told me how thin I was. Even if you're right about her, saying something is not likely to help.
posted by craichead at 8:24 AM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


Saying something if she was anorexic it may have just reinforced the behavior.

"Perfect strangers tell me I'm looking thin! I must be doing something right!"
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:24 AM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Chiming in to say that, while I understand your concern and think that's a good instinct to have, it's not going to do the poor lady any damn good if she's suffering from an eating disorder (which is frequently linked with self-esteem issues) and someone comes up and specifically notices/mentions how her body looks to her.

Also, from a sociological angle, talking to her about it has kind of a creepy, "Your body needs my approval/is for my public consumption," angle. I know that's not what you intended, but talking to any stranger about their physical appearance or attributes beyond a, "Hey, nice scarf/I love your hair," is always overlaid with the script of, "Your body is my business because your body is public business." Leave her alone, and yes, if you are very concerned, work with an organization who raises consciousness about eating disorders, or to get even broader, work with a feminist organization that has a anti-women's exploitation in media bent.
posted by WidgetAlley at 8:26 AM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


Best answer: Hi, I have been an eating-disordered person working out obsessively at the gym. People looked at me funny, and I'm sure some of them noticed that I was not well. I am so fucking glad that no one ever said anything directly to me. It's not because I would have been angry at their assumptions and judgment, either, though I certainly would have been.

At the depths of my eating disorder, I would have felt like it was a victory. "I did such a good job starving myself that strangers noticed!" It would have pushed me to restrict my food more and exercise harder. Is that really fucked up? Yes, but it's also true.

Yes, all the reasons about assumptions and judgments and stuff apply, it's not really ever okay to go up to an adult and ask about her mental or physical health. But, also know that it could actually be extremely triggering for the woman, if she is indeed eating disordered, and push her just a little further into the eating disorder.

(I am happy & proud to say that I am in recovery now and doing very well.)
posted by insectosaurus at 8:28 AM on December 15, 2011 [20 favorites]


You should do the same thing you would do if you saw an extremely fat person exercising. Go on with your workout, and mind your own business.
posted by ottereroticist at 8:36 AM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


nthing the general sentiment here of "yikes, this has absolutely nothing to do with you."
posted by modernnomad at 8:40 AM on December 15, 2011


I think the most you can do is a friendly smile and "hello" if you happen to pass by each other, signaling that you are a friendly-type person who might be open to conversation in the unlikely event she ever decides she wants to communicate with a stranger at her gym.
posted by mikepop at 8:45 AM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


From what I understand, people who have to exercise because of muscle-wasting diseases are regularly humiliated at the gym.

Also, eating disorders are usually not improved by comments from strangers; if they were, they wouldn't be so prevalent.

Anecdata: my anorexic friend got leaflets anonymously shoved under her door at college, about the eating-disorder-counselling service. She was already an outpatient, had been an inpatient, and only inpatient treatment (including tube feeding) was of any help to her. The leaflet-shoving only made her angry.

Anecdata: in my teens and twenties I was extremely skinny and routinely got flak from friends and strangers alike who were certain I must have an eating disorder. I didn't particularly mind, but I also didn't fail to recognize the insult inherent in insisting that I must have a very serious mental illness. I didn't repeatedly insist that these people made offensive comments therefore they MUST have Tourette's and if they said they didn't they were showing a pitiable lack of insight only to be expected from a mentally disordered person.[1]



[1] Not representative of my actual understanding of Tourette's, representative of how offensive these comments were
posted by tel3path at 8:47 AM on December 15, 2011


Best answer: The problem with talking to strangers about perceived problems is that they're just that, perceived. You don't know anything about this person and you're also completely unqualified to help her. As mentioned here by people who've struggled with eating disorders, even mentioning the weight has consequences, ones that until this post weren't known to you.

You're coming from a compassionate place but you don't know how to help this person or even know if she needs help. This may be an opportunity for you to learn more about eating disorders but you should still resist offering to help a stranger. I hate the saying, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but you could do more harm than good even though you're coming from and good and sincere place. You don't know anything about a stranger, it's presumptuous to think you can help her, and she's an adult.

Don't let anyone here or elsewhere make you feel bad about wanting to help someone. Your empathy is a good thing, we should all care enough about strangers to want to help them, but the desire to help doesn't mean that we shouldn't respect someone else's privacy.
posted by shoesietart at 8:48 AM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


Best answer: I just thought I should add that although there is nothing you can do to help the person, I totally sympathise with your being distressed if she was indeed an anorexic compulsively exercising.

So while I'm totally nthing what everyone else is saying, I feel I should add that this situation's not a case of 'live and let live', because the mortality rate for anorexia is the highest amongst all psychiatric disorders, and from what I've known of working with people who treat anorexia, they get extremely disturbed when compulsive exercise enters the scene.

I certainly found it incredibly distressing having someone speed-walk past me on a promenade when they certainly looked like a person very close to death from starvation (and I know what a person like that looks like because I've been one). Enough that the memory flashes back occasionally. It's very hard to see someone who looks to be in that level of distress and leave them be, but that's what should be done.
posted by ambrosen at 8:55 AM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


It is likely this person is not alone in the world. They have family members or friends who realize that they are sick.

You have no idea if this woman is sick or not. I spent the first 25 years of my life being frighteningly thin. Strangers would offer me food because they thought I was starving. It was really annoying, particularly since I was eating ridiculous amounts of food.

Then I started hitting the gym.

(Also, unless you're a doctor, you're in no position to gauge who is and is not underweight. My ex -- a professional dancer -- weighed 130 pounds at 5'2". Not exactly anorexic! But overweight women were always telling her she was too skinny and should see a doctor. Very, very annoying.
posted by coolguymichael at 8:58 AM on December 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Smile, say "Hello" and reinforce with a positive message, "I admire your dedication" or some such thing and see if she wants to continue the conversation.

On the other hand, it is sad to see that we have taken the "personal space" concept so far that a kind, honest enquiry elicits a "That is none of your business" look (usually).
posted by theobserver at 9:30 AM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Mod note: Folks, I'm sorry if this pushes your buttons, but please answer the question being asked. Thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:35 AM on December 15, 2011


I belong to a chain of gyms, so I'm not at the same one all the time. At one location I go to only occasionally, I've seen a super-thin woman working out at every time I've ever been there - early in the morning, late at night, Thanksgiving, weekends, weekdays, whatever. Every. Single. Time. And every single time, we don't say a word to each other, but she gives me a smile and a look as if I'm the only person in the world who understands her. And I'm a super-fat fatty. Who also hates it when people try to cheer me on or double check that I'm OK or admire my dedication or whatever. I think we both would prefer to just be left the eff alone and exercise in peace, or at least if you want to be friendly, do it in the same way and for the same reasons as you would for someone closer to your own size.
posted by ferociouskitty at 9:44 AM on December 15, 2011 [9 favorites]


My wife and I have had this conversation recently, about a woman we frequently see at our gym. The wife is the one who wondered if something should be said, and I'm the one who said "She's a grown woman, and we don't know if she's ill in some way or if she's healthy that way." I won out, thankfully, because it's really not our place.

As others have said, if this woman was our friend or relative, that would be different.
posted by owtytrof at 9:47 AM on December 15, 2011


Anecdata: I had a roommate who was on a strict doctor's regimen (high-protein diet & regular exercise) in an attempt to gain weight (she was naturally very underweight). She was regularly approached by well-meaning strangers at the gym who told her that she needed to get help for her "anorexia" (which she did not have). Needless to say, she already felt very self-conscious about her appearance, and having strangers approach her about it made her feel even worse about herself.
posted by pammeke at 10:03 AM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


If you see a morbidly obese person sitting on park bench eating something unhealthy, do you approach them "as a concerned stranger" and say "I notice you're not moving around or exercising much, and that doesn't appear to be a healthy lunch in your bag. Are you OK?"

I would guess not.

Unless you know her or she is in immediate, 911-level medical distress, leave her alone and let her loved ones take care of her.

(I've also had an eating disorder, and echo those who say it was edifying to hear someone express concern over my weight or habits. Gosh, if strangers approach me about it I MUST look thin and be working hard!)
posted by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on December 15, 2011


You have no idea if this woman is sick or not. I spent the first 25 years of my life being frighteningly thin. Strangers would offer me food because they thought I was starving. It was really annoying, particularly since I was eating ridiculous amounts of food.

I turn a frightening shade of red when I get my heartrate up. I can't tell you how many people come by to suggest I sit down awhile. The YMCA used to send a nurse up to make "casual" conversation with me when I was on the treadmill.

Fortunately, I'm old enough that it's funny, and I appreciate the concern, so long as it's limited to one approach. If I were younger I would probably have never come back.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:49 AM on December 15, 2011


Please do not say anything to this woman. Some people, like myself, are naturally thin and I have gotten comments about how thin I am and whether or not I eat enough. I am baffled by these - I eat a healthy diet along with exercise, I eat junk food in moderation, I have a petite frame with muscle and I am not underweight. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people say things that insinuate that I may have an eating disorder and there is no real response to them.

Even if the person is "painfully thin," then there are almost certainly people in her life who know about it and are trying to help her. Added to that a stranger saying something to her would only likely encourage the eating disorder if there is one.
posted by fromageball at 1:15 PM on December 15, 2011


just another person who had food issues when i was younger saying that i would have been encouraged to keep going, and go further, if strangers started telling me i looked too thin.
posted by nadawi at 1:42 PM on December 15, 2011


I think that a comment, even well intentioned, like what you've considered would probably do more harm than good. I doubt it would feel kind to her. Just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should.

I'm another naturally thin person whose been forced, time and time again, to defend her eating habits and etc., and at some point I became extremely sensitive about it. And...even if she's ill, the idea that a stranger's concern could be of more help to her than, say a word from a friend or family member, doesn't fly with me.

As a slight aside, I find that people who are serious about working on don't want to talk at the gym anyway.
posted by sm1tten at 4:25 PM on December 15, 2011


I think it's very nice that you are so empathetic and while I agree it probably wouldn't work to ask her if she's ok, or something, it might be nice to smile at her when you see her, or strike up some lighthearted conversation. She may indeed be having a hard time (for whatever reason) and a genuine smile is always a good thing in my opinion.
posted by bearette at 6:14 PM on December 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Another person with a former (?) eating disorder popping in to say that if she were indeed anorexic, bringing it up would only make it worse. It's very kind of you to be concerned, and speaks well of you as a person. But the number of cases in which it would do some good to approach this woman, though I am sure it's above zero, is so far outstripped by the number of cases in which it would be a Very Bad Thing that it's not worth the risk.
posted by Because at 9:31 PM on December 16, 2011


I also have a friend who is naturally very thin, and regularly receives painful comments about her weight from strangers. She would love to weigh a bit more, if only to shut people up. Please say nothing.
posted by anaelith at 2:55 PM on December 17, 2011


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