No. You really ARE crazy.
December 13, 2011 1:22 PM Subscribe
Rejectionfilter: I'm not that into him, told him and now he's causing drama. How do I navigate this situation?
Anonymous because I'm concerned about retaliation and cyber-stalking.
I'm part of a social club and was asked out on a date by a guy a few months ago. We had been acquaintances through this club for several months prior. Since I didn't see this coming, I agreed to go out with him, because I did kind of like him and wanted to give it a shot. I'm single, he's single and we're both in our 30s. Hey, you never know.
I dated him for about 4-5 weeks and things were a bit intense from the start, but I kept dating him because I was on the fence about him. He kept trying to get me to commit to being his girlfriend and I flat out told him that I wasn't ready to stop seeing other people. I liked him, and wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a full-fledged relationship with him, so I kept going on dates with him and seeing each other. He knew that I was also dating other people and seemed to be ok with it, although I was feeling pressure to become his girlfriend, which I wasn't ready to do. I don't think I was leading him on - I genuinely liked him and wanted to see where it went, but wasn't ready for the serious talk and such. We eventually slept together after 4 weeks and again, I was just rolling with things to see where they went. I don't regret it, and it just kind of happened actually. I tend to see sex as part of the whole dating package anyways and not a huge deal, and I'm sure that makes me a bad person. Within days of that though, things took a turn for the ultra-dramatic. I realized I was being cyber stalked by him and being completely smothered. This made me really uncomfortable and trapped, so after a few days of this super-intense creepy behavior, I talked to him in person about this. I used the Miko guidelines (Thanks MeFites!) and told him that I like him a lot, but am just not feeling that strongly about a relationship with him, and that I think we should just move on. He was upset, but accepted this.
I started seeing someone else (who is awesome and now my boyfriend and I WANT to be his girlfriend, FWIW).
A few weeks later, we had a social club gathering. The creepy guy was there and was being civil. However, he found out that I had started dating someone else shortly after I pulled the plug with him and as a result, caused this GIGANTIC dramatic scene (we're talking screaming in a public place, the whole bit). I remained calm, didn't feed into it, just quietly picked up my things and left without saying anything.
Over the next week, he managed to email/call/hunt down all of my friends and acquaintances within the club to "vent", but in actuality was spewing all sorts of dramatic flat-out lies about me. He started following a blog that I actively maintain. He started sending me manipulative emails demanding apologies and saying very hurtful and nasty things about me and twisting everything around to victimize himself. I did not engage, I simply filed this information away. It was very hurtful actually.
Last week, two friends of mine through the club approached me about it all. They told me that they are sick of his drama and are exhausted by it. I merely told them that I'm really not involved in any of this, and am not feeding into it. I'm not sure what they want me to do about it - I already told him I'm not that into him and have not been engaging in this crazyiness. He ended up showing up at our club that night, ignored me but was overly loud and obnoxious and upon leaving, made a giant, overly-dramatic exit where he made it a point to hug everyone goodbye (COMPLETELY out of character for what he usually does) and walked up to hug me goodbye (after ignoring me all night) and I stepped backwards because I was really uncomfortable. He left, but now is right back again with spreading more rumors, exhausting people with his stories, reading everything that I blog about...
What do I do in this situation? My now-boyfriend knows about all of this and has seen some of it firsthand and thinks it's childish and ridiculous. I agree. I just want the club to be a comfortable place again and not tense. I don't want people to be exhausted by this situation. I'm also concerned about the cyber-stalking.
TL;DR: Started dating a guy who expressed interest in me. I wasn't feeling it and told him, now he's trying to make my life a living hell. I'm concerned that he's trying to sabotage my friendships and positive relationships in my life and has totally killed any opportunities I have to get to know others within a social club that we belong to. What do I do? :(
Anonymous because I'm concerned about retaliation and cyber-stalking.
I'm part of a social club and was asked out on a date by a guy a few months ago. We had been acquaintances through this club for several months prior. Since I didn't see this coming, I agreed to go out with him, because I did kind of like him and wanted to give it a shot. I'm single, he's single and we're both in our 30s. Hey, you never know.
I dated him for about 4-5 weeks and things were a bit intense from the start, but I kept dating him because I was on the fence about him. He kept trying to get me to commit to being his girlfriend and I flat out told him that I wasn't ready to stop seeing other people. I liked him, and wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a full-fledged relationship with him, so I kept going on dates with him and seeing each other. He knew that I was also dating other people and seemed to be ok with it, although I was feeling pressure to become his girlfriend, which I wasn't ready to do. I don't think I was leading him on - I genuinely liked him and wanted to see where it went, but wasn't ready for the serious talk and such. We eventually slept together after 4 weeks and again, I was just rolling with things to see where they went. I don't regret it, and it just kind of happened actually. I tend to see sex as part of the whole dating package anyways and not a huge deal, and I'm sure that makes me a bad person. Within days of that though, things took a turn for the ultra-dramatic. I realized I was being cyber stalked by him and being completely smothered. This made me really uncomfortable and trapped, so after a few days of this super-intense creepy behavior, I talked to him in person about this. I used the Miko guidelines (Thanks MeFites!) and told him that I like him a lot, but am just not feeling that strongly about a relationship with him, and that I think we should just move on. He was upset, but accepted this.
I started seeing someone else (who is awesome and now my boyfriend and I WANT to be his girlfriend, FWIW).
A few weeks later, we had a social club gathering. The creepy guy was there and was being civil. However, he found out that I had started dating someone else shortly after I pulled the plug with him and as a result, caused this GIGANTIC dramatic scene (we're talking screaming in a public place, the whole bit). I remained calm, didn't feed into it, just quietly picked up my things and left without saying anything.
Over the next week, he managed to email/call/hunt down all of my friends and acquaintances within the club to "vent", but in actuality was spewing all sorts of dramatic flat-out lies about me. He started following a blog that I actively maintain. He started sending me manipulative emails demanding apologies and saying very hurtful and nasty things about me and twisting everything around to victimize himself. I did not engage, I simply filed this information away. It was very hurtful actually.
Last week, two friends of mine through the club approached me about it all. They told me that they are sick of his drama and are exhausted by it. I merely told them that I'm really not involved in any of this, and am not feeding into it. I'm not sure what they want me to do about it - I already told him I'm not that into him and have not been engaging in this crazyiness. He ended up showing up at our club that night, ignored me but was overly loud and obnoxious and upon leaving, made a giant, overly-dramatic exit where he made it a point to hug everyone goodbye (COMPLETELY out of character for what he usually does) and walked up to hug me goodbye (after ignoring me all night) and I stepped backwards because I was really uncomfortable. He left, but now is right back again with spreading more rumors, exhausting people with his stories, reading everything that I blog about...
What do I do in this situation? My now-boyfriend knows about all of this and has seen some of it firsthand and thinks it's childish and ridiculous. I agree. I just want the club to be a comfortable place again and not tense. I don't want people to be exhausted by this situation. I'm also concerned about the cyber-stalking.
TL;DR: Started dating a guy who expressed interest in me. I wasn't feeling it and told him, now he's trying to make my life a living hell. I'm concerned that he's trying to sabotage my friendships and positive relationships in my life and has totally killed any opportunities I have to get to know others within a social club that we belong to. What do I do? :(
I tend to see sex as part of the whole dating package anyways and not a huge deal, and I'm sure that makes me a bad person.
Provided you're up front about where you stand with people, it absolutely does not.
As for what to do: I would just take a break from the club until after the holidays are over, see your club-friends one-on-one or in small groups in the meantime, and continue not to engage with him at all. If you don't feed into his drama machine, it'll likely burn itself out given a little time. He'll find someone else to blame for his problems, real or perceived.
If this continues to be a problem at club events when you return next year, and the club organizers show no sign of engaging with the problem or helping to smooth things over, then that might sadly be a sign that you and this club just aren't a good fit in general. Not because of this one guy, but because of a community that allows people like him to behave this way without consequences.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2011 [10 favorites]
Provided you're up front about where you stand with people, it absolutely does not.
As for what to do: I would just take a break from the club until after the holidays are over, see your club-friends one-on-one or in small groups in the meantime, and continue not to engage with him at all. If you don't feed into his drama machine, it'll likely burn itself out given a little time. He'll find someone else to blame for his problems, real or perceived.
If this continues to be a problem at club events when you return next year, and the club organizers show no sign of engaging with the problem or helping to smooth things over, then that might sadly be a sign that you and this club just aren't a good fit in general. Not because of this one guy, but because of a community that allows people like him to behave this way without consequences.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2011 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, I have not been in this kind of situation so I don't know if telling him to quit it would help or not? It might just feed attention.
However--you are not a bad person for your actions here. It does not make you a bad person to have sex with someone you're not 100% sure about, especially if you've been dating for four weeks. You're both consenting adults, so unless he made some kind of stipulation that he only wanted to have sex if you guys were going to be serious then you've done nothing wrong. Most people do it after the first couple dates, so you're on the long end of things.
posted by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2011
However--you are not a bad person for your actions here. It does not make you a bad person to have sex with someone you're not 100% sure about, especially if you've been dating for four weeks. You're both consenting adults, so unless he made some kind of stipulation that he only wanted to have sex if you guys were going to be serious then you've done nothing wrong. Most people do it after the first couple dates, so you're on the long end of things.
posted by Anonymous at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2011
Do you have any mutual friends, or people who you get along with who are friends with him as well? They'd be the people to go to - either you or the friends who came to you could go to these people and ask them to speak to this guy and tell him that he's got no chance of winning you back, and is alienating all the people in this club. He won't listen to you, but may listen to people he trusts a little more.
posted by twirlypen at 1:33 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by twirlypen at 1:33 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
You didn't do anything wrong and so far it sounds like you're doing everything right. I think everyone is aware that this dude is Bad News. I don't think any of this is going to reflect poorly on you, especially as your friends said that they're sick of his drama. As in, the drama he is personally responsible for. Get some friends and go see the people in charge of the club. Don't make this a you-versus-him thing. Make it a him-versus-decency thing. Dude is acting like a jackass and the fact that you're involved is just a peripheral point of interest.
Block his email address. Tell your friends you don't want to hear about him. Next time you see him, picture him as a big ole turd on the carpet. Uncomfortable to be around, yes, but you didn't drop that turd and it's not your personal responsibility to clean it up. So after informing the people who are in charge of cleaning up stray turds, the best you can do is hold your nose and pretend it's not there.
posted by griphus at 1:37 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Block his email address. Tell your friends you don't want to hear about him. Next time you see him, picture him as a big ole turd on the carpet. Uncomfortable to be around, yes, but you didn't drop that turd and it's not your personal responsibility to clean it up. So after informing the people who are in charge of cleaning up stray turds, the best you can do is hold your nose and pretend it's not there.
posted by griphus at 1:37 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
What do I do in this situation?
It sounds like you've behaved exactly appropriately so far. Just keep it up. It's unfortunate that third parties, after being bothered by him, are coming to you and contributing to pressure on you to "resolve" the situation. That's their error, not yours. You are being subjected to stresses from several directions and from your description, you're handling it very well. Nothing jumps out that you "should" be doing but aren't. At this point, the set of people who can improve this situation does not include you.
posted by red clover at 1:37 PM on December 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
It sounds like you've behaved exactly appropriately so far. Just keep it up. It's unfortunate that third parties, after being bothered by him, are coming to you and contributing to pressure on you to "resolve" the situation. That's their error, not yours. You are being subjected to stresses from several directions and from your description, you're handling it very well. Nothing jumps out that you "should" be doing but aren't. At this point, the set of people who can improve this situation does not include you.
posted by red clover at 1:37 PM on December 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
I tend to see sex as part of the whole dating package anyways and not a huge deal, and I'm sure that makes me a bad person.
Nah.
They told me that they are sick of his drama and are exhausted by it. I merely told them that I'm really not involved in any of this, and am not feeding into it.
Yay, that's an awesome response and attitude.
What do I do?
Just what you've been doing. Don't accept any responsibility for his behavior. Trust your friends/clubmates to see who's being weird here. Keep shrugging about it, and don't participate in any gossip about his weird huggy/whatever behavior. I disagree with twirlypen and I don't think you should involve more people or participate in this drama in any way. You are handling it perfectly and you should be persistent and he'll give it up.
posted by fritley at 1:38 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Nah.
They told me that they are sick of his drama and are exhausted by it. I merely told them that I'm really not involved in any of this, and am not feeding into it.
Yay, that's an awesome response and attitude.
What do I do?
Just what you've been doing. Don't accept any responsibility for his behavior. Trust your friends/clubmates to see who's being weird here. Keep shrugging about it, and don't participate in any gossip about his weird huggy/whatever behavior. I disagree with twirlypen and I don't think you should involve more people or participate in this drama in any way. You are handling it perfectly and you should be persistent and he'll give it up.
posted by fritley at 1:38 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Sounds like he might be a borderline personality.
You need to do whatever it takes to remove him from your life. Don't engage with him, don't communicate with him at all. Don't even talk to mutual acquaintances about him. Maybe find a new club to hang out in where he is not welcome. If you have mutual friends, tell them they are never to talk to him about you or to you about him. If they insist on talking about him to you or to you about him, then find new friends.
It sucks that it's gotta be that way, but you need to get on with your life.
posted by empath at 1:40 PM on December 13, 2011
You need to do whatever it takes to remove him from your life. Don't engage with him, don't communicate with him at all. Don't even talk to mutual acquaintances about him. Maybe find a new club to hang out in where he is not welcome. If you have mutual friends, tell them they are never to talk to him about you or to you about him. If they insist on talking about him to you or to you about him, then find new friends.
It sucks that it's gotta be that way, but you need to get on with your life.
posted by empath at 1:40 PM on December 13, 2011
wow.
Ok, no it doesn't make you a bad person to have sex without commitment. you were upfront, as far as I can tell. He is being crazy-jerk and you should ask the club to ban his ass for the threatning behavor.
a side note- there is no telling if he would still be creepy-stalkery if you hadn't slept with him. He has boundry problems- and who knows at what point he decided he was justified in acting this way.
as for how to handle this- keep as you are- do not engage, let your friends know that you consider this harassment, ask the club to ban him. Record everything he does (dates, times, who witnessed it) and hold on to the records just in case. Block him from everything and ignore any contact. If he ever ever ever ever comes to your home uninvited call the police.
posted by Blisterlips at 1:43 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Ok, no it doesn't make you a bad person to have sex without commitment. you were upfront, as far as I can tell. He is being crazy-jerk and you should ask the club to ban his ass for the threatning behavor.
a side note- there is no telling if he would still be creepy-stalkery if you hadn't slept with him. He has boundry problems- and who knows at what point he decided he was justified in acting this way.
as for how to handle this- keep as you are- do not engage, let your friends know that you consider this harassment, ask the club to ban him. Record everything he does (dates, times, who witnessed it) and hold on to the records just in case. Block him from everything and ignore any contact. If he ever ever ever ever comes to your home uninvited call the police.
posted by Blisterlips at 1:43 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
See Stop Walking On Eggshells for more information. But you really don't even need to be that concerned with someone that you basically just got involved with. Just remove them from your life entirely.
posted by empath at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2011
posted by empath at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2011
He needs to be kicked out, or you quit. Groups can't function without the ability to exclude someone who completely doesn't fit or who wont advise by basic norms. This can be a hard for groups organized to pursue geeky interests because there will be many members with painful memories of being excluded, but it is no less (and maybe more) true of them than any others.
posted by MattD at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by MattD at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
He needs to be kicked out, or you quit.
I honestly would avoid making ultimatums like this. He would thrive on the drama this would provoke. Just quietly quit the club, if it comes to that. And let them make a decision about him if they need to without being involved.
posted by empath at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
I honestly would avoid making ultimatums like this. He would thrive on the drama this would provoke. Just quietly quit the club, if it comes to that. And let them make a decision about him if they need to without being involved.
posted by empath at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
Agree with MattD. If people in the club, who are your friends, are exhausted, then they need to call a club meeting without either of you, and decide on kicking him out.
You shouldn't have to leave the club. If he can't handle the situation, then he's the problem.
posted by rich at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
You shouldn't have to leave the club. If he can't handle the situation, then he's the problem.
posted by rich at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
You've done everything right so far like most everyone pointed out. I wouldn't advise making an ultimatum to the group about him at all. Your staying quiet on it is the right thing to do. They know he's the problem but are seeking the easy way out by going to you rather than dealing with him. Because you're rational and not the one flipping out. That's their cowardice, not yours.
Since you rightly told them it was not your doing, they'll probably meet and decide to kick him out. Or the group will just implode due to his ridiculous outbursts. I've seen it happen before.
With people like this things tend to reach a silly degree of drama from the person before they clear up. It's almost exactly like a zit. If you tried to pop it, you'd probably just make it worse, no matter how much you want to.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:00 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Since you rightly told them it was not your doing, they'll probably meet and decide to kick him out. Or the group will just implode due to his ridiculous outbursts. I've seen it happen before.
With people like this things tend to reach a silly degree of drama from the person before they clear up. It's almost exactly like a zit. If you tried to pop it, you'd probably just make it worse, no matter how much you want to.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:00 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
If this continues to be a problem at club events when you return next year, and the club organizers show no sign of engaging with the problem or helping to smooth things over, then that might sadly be a sign that you and this club just aren't a good fit in general. Not because of this one guy, but because of a community that allows people like him to behave this way without consequences.
Maybe this is giving the club organizers too much credit, but it's also possible that they haven't taken any steps because they're not sure what to do. It can be really disorienting to be confronted with someone that is so flagrantly breaking social norms and acting out, and if they haven't had to deal with this before, they might just be... waiting for someone else to take care of it, or for it to take care of itself. Not the most enlightened thing, but pretty understandable.
In any case, before I quit the club I'd probably go to the organizers or leaders and have a talk that managed to subtly clue them in that they need to do something. This sort of chat is usually most effective if you go in with the attitude of, "Hey, I'm sure this has probably been as awkward for you as it has been for me, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. I really enjoy [GROUP ACTIVITY] and [GROUP MEMBERS] and want to keep participating. I've been doing X, Y and Z to try to defuse this situation but it's not working. Is there something else you'd like me to be doing when this stuff happens?"
There's a chance that they'll tell you to quit, but assuming they're decent people who have been just kind of ignoring the outbursts and hoping it will stop, this has a decent chance of prodding them to see this as a problem they need to take care of. You don't want to tell them what they need to do, but you might need to remind them that they need to do *something* to keep the group from falling apart from awkwardness, you know?
posted by iminurmefi at 2:01 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Maybe this is giving the club organizers too much credit, but it's also possible that they haven't taken any steps because they're not sure what to do. It can be really disorienting to be confronted with someone that is so flagrantly breaking social norms and acting out, and if they haven't had to deal with this before, they might just be... waiting for someone else to take care of it, or for it to take care of itself. Not the most enlightened thing, but pretty understandable.
In any case, before I quit the club I'd probably go to the organizers or leaders and have a talk that managed to subtly clue them in that they need to do something. This sort of chat is usually most effective if you go in with the attitude of, "Hey, I'm sure this has probably been as awkward for you as it has been for me, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. I really enjoy [GROUP ACTIVITY] and [GROUP MEMBERS] and want to keep participating. I've been doing X, Y and Z to try to defuse this situation but it's not working. Is there something else you'd like me to be doing when this stuff happens?"
There's a chance that they'll tell you to quit, but assuming they're decent people who have been just kind of ignoring the outbursts and hoping it will stop, this has a decent chance of prodding them to see this as a problem they need to take care of. You don't want to tell them what they need to do, but you might need to remind them that they need to do *something* to keep the group from falling apart from awkwardness, you know?
posted by iminurmefi at 2:01 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
This is not just your problem, and it is not your fault. He has made it the whole group's problem, and you should not feel bad about engaging it as such.
A while ago a guy who had joined a group of mine started contacting me outside of group in ways which initially seemed just friendly but became increasingly inappropriate and offensive. I eventually sent him a message letting him know how I felt and then blocked him, and just resigned myself to things being awkward at group meetings because it was a personal issue that didn't involve anyone else. The next week I went out for drinks with a bunch of people from my group and someone else started talking about him. It turned out pretty much every one of us separately had a problem with him. It was suggested (not by me) that we should remove him from the group.
So while I am a big believer in not feeding drama, I do think that if others from your group have already mentioned that they have a problem with what he's been doing, it would be completely reasonable for you to give a neutral description of what's happened to the other members of your group, and be open to discussing how the group as a whole would like to respond to the situation. You can be honest with the other people in the group without lobbying actively for them to ban him. He has already involved them, so they might as well have all the information available to them about what happened, and that it's causing you to consider taking some time off from the group to let things cool off. What they decide to do with that information would be at their own discretion.
Also, set up a filter so his emails automatically go into a folder you don't look at. And if relevant, block him from commenting on your blog. As for him contacting your friends, I'm not sure what you can do except be honest if they ask you about what happened, and offer to help them set up their own email filters if necessary.
posted by unsub at 2:05 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
A while ago a guy who had joined a group of mine started contacting me outside of group in ways which initially seemed just friendly but became increasingly inappropriate and offensive. I eventually sent him a message letting him know how I felt and then blocked him, and just resigned myself to things being awkward at group meetings because it was a personal issue that didn't involve anyone else. The next week I went out for drinks with a bunch of people from my group and someone else started talking about him. It turned out pretty much every one of us separately had a problem with him. It was suggested (not by me) that we should remove him from the group.
So while I am a big believer in not feeding drama, I do think that if others from your group have already mentioned that they have a problem with what he's been doing, it would be completely reasonable for you to give a neutral description of what's happened to the other members of your group, and be open to discussing how the group as a whole would like to respond to the situation. You can be honest with the other people in the group without lobbying actively for them to ban him. He has already involved them, so they might as well have all the information available to them about what happened, and that it's causing you to consider taking some time off from the group to let things cool off. What they decide to do with that information would be at their own discretion.
Also, set up a filter so his emails automatically go into a folder you don't look at. And if relevant, block him from commenting on your blog. As for him contacting your friends, I'm not sure what you can do except be honest if they ask you about what happened, and offer to help them set up their own email filters if necessary.
posted by unsub at 2:05 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd save all your evidence, and if this doesn't subside within a few weeks, contact the police to find out if his behavior is serious enough to warrant a restraining order. It sounds like his harassment is definitely bothering you enough to be worth the trouble for you - and it sounds like he is just-this-side-of-sane enough that it might make him realize his behavior is unacceptable. Plus if you get the restraining order then he can't come to the club any more :-)
posted by bq at 2:11 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bq at 2:11 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
unsub said: be open to discussing how the group as a whole would like to respond to the situation.
I agree. If he contacted each of the group members to "vent"/spread lies, then maybe contact each group member and ask them to implement some boundaries when he starts talking about you. E.g. guy: "Anon is a bitch/whatever blah blah" Group member: "I am not talking to you about Anon. If you do continue to talk about Anon to me, I will block you on email/hang up/walk away." He just has to know that what he's doing is not acceptable and these types of personal grievances/spreading lies (dating relationship not gone the way he wants) has no place in this club.
posted by foxjacket at 2:13 PM on December 13, 2011
I agree. If he contacted each of the group members to "vent"/spread lies, then maybe contact each group member and ask them to implement some boundaries when he starts talking about you. E.g. guy: "Anon is a bitch/whatever blah blah" Group member: "I am not talking to you about Anon. If you do continue to talk about Anon to me, I will block you on email/hang up/walk away." He just has to know that what he's doing is not acceptable and these types of personal grievances/spreading lies (dating relationship not gone the way he wants) has no place in this club.
posted by foxjacket at 2:13 PM on December 13, 2011
Caution about restraining orders: In many states (assuming you're in the US of course) the cops will do NOTHING until there has been a stated threat of violence, or public attempt of violence, against you. And it wouldn't prevent him from coming to the club -- it just means the two of you can't occupy the same area, so if he had arrived first it MAY actually be on YOU to leave. If it's clear he's abusing this by deliberately blocking you with his presence from attending functions, you can have this stopped by the court. That all, of course, assumes you can get the damned RO in the first place. I've never been able to get one for my stalkers.
As for non-RO options, I do suggest you contact the group members individually and explain that you want nothing to do with him because of his actions. Explain your side of things a bit if you're comfortable with that. You're dealing with Major Dramatm and honestly there's very few ways you can deal with it in a 'good' way. From my experience the only thing you can do is state your opinion on the matter and then wait for it to blow over.
posted by Heretical at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2011
As for non-RO options, I do suggest you contact the group members individually and explain that you want nothing to do with him because of his actions. Explain your side of things a bit if you're comfortable with that. You're dealing with Major Dramatm and honestly there's very few ways you can deal with it in a 'good' way. From my experience the only thing you can do is state your opinion on the matter and then wait for it to blow over.
posted by Heretical at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2011
It definitely sounds like this guy is very imature and extremely needy. Any guy that pushes for a committed relationship right away like this guy is usually trouble. And any guy that creates this kind of drama is again very needy and insecure. You've done nothing wrong. Having sex doesn't equal commitment. It equals having sex. In my opinion it's essential to test all waters before going for a long distance swim. Having sex is part of that test. At this point, I might actually recommend leaving the group for a bit. Block this guys emails and phone calls. Do everything you can to cut off contact. If he continues you might have to get a restraining order. Good luck.
posted by ljs30 at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ljs30 at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might have a little speech ready to give people. 'I dated someone for a short while and it didn't work out and they're handling it badly. I haven't spoken to this person since we broke up but I understand that they're saying unkind and untrue things about me to people that know me. If you're approached, pleased don't discuss me. I don't know what I can do to stop this but I'm hoping it blows over. This is all that I'm going to say about this."
posted by shoesietart at 2:23 PM on December 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by shoesietart at 2:23 PM on December 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
"Started dating a guy who expressed interest in me. I wasn't feeling it and told him, now he's trying to make my life a living hell. I'm concerned that he's trying to sabotage my friendships and positive relationships in my life and has totally killed any opportunities I have to get to know others within a social club that we belong to."
You didn't do anything wrong...please don't blame yourself. This is all nothing more than crude power play on his part--and as long as you don't feed into it-- a completely pathetic, ineffectual one.
I went through an uncannily similar situation this summer (with someone I never even slept with, no less!) who became enraged over my lack of interest in him and crush on someone else. This loser freaked out, sent nasty emails to me and people we know, followed me around to public venues trying to force a meeting, and badmouthed me to our mutual friends on an internet forum to the sky. As if my lack of interest in having a relationship with him made me a horrible person! I told him I didn't want to meet with him, then ignore, ignore, ignore...eventually he announced he assumed I'd filter-filed him. Actually, I was saving it all in case I needed to call the police for a restraining order, but he never had the satisfaction of forcing me to acknowledge him. The badmouthing hasn't stopped, but at least I'm no longer on the forum and it's died down to a trickle.
Eventually, I figured out all the whining-to-other-people drama and internet name-calling was geared toward one end: trying to provoke me into reacting angrily so he could have a legitimate reason to hate me. Guess what? It didn't work! Biting my tongue in the face of outrageously sleazy smears and insinuations was one of the hardest things I've ever done-- but really, who cares what people think I did or didn't do? Seriously, WHO CARES? Does it really matter what a bunch of strangers on an internet forum thinks? Surely not...it's not worth dignifying with a response. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing he couldn't force me to do as he wanted.
In every other respect, I had a wonderful summer in spite of him.
As they say in perception management literature, CONTROL THE FRAME. By getting on with your new life and being happy on your own terms, you're refusing to allow him the satisfaction of reacting to him, thereby giving him power over you. YOU ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE TO PLAY THE ROLE HE CAST YOU IN. Life's too short. I have a horrible gut feeling that if I engaged at all, this would have escalated like crazy and ended in violence. Losing a few potential friends is nothing-- walk away while you still can, before it spirals out of control.
Here's my advice:
1. Don't respond to or engage with him in any way.
2. Document any attempts at contact.
2. Stay away from any places, people, and events associated with him.
3. Take a break from your club; join a new one.
4. Shrug off the drama with mutual friends; stop caring about it.
5. Curtail your internet presence under the names he knows about and develop new ones.
None of that stuff is fair, but it's the only way you're ever going to get peace of mind. In life you have to choose your battles carefully, and this one just isn't worth it. Meet new people and make new friends-- it's a big, big world out there.
Stay strong, and enjoy your new life with your boyfriend.
posted by aquafortis at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
You didn't do anything wrong...please don't blame yourself. This is all nothing more than crude power play on his part--and as long as you don't feed into it-- a completely pathetic, ineffectual one.
I went through an uncannily similar situation this summer (with someone I never even slept with, no less!) who became enraged over my lack of interest in him and crush on someone else. This loser freaked out, sent nasty emails to me and people we know, followed me around to public venues trying to force a meeting, and badmouthed me to our mutual friends on an internet forum to the sky. As if my lack of interest in having a relationship with him made me a horrible person! I told him I didn't want to meet with him, then ignore, ignore, ignore...eventually he announced he assumed I'd filter-filed him. Actually, I was saving it all in case I needed to call the police for a restraining order, but he never had the satisfaction of forcing me to acknowledge him. The badmouthing hasn't stopped, but at least I'm no longer on the forum and it's died down to a trickle.
Eventually, I figured out all the whining-to-other-people drama and internet name-calling was geared toward one end: trying to provoke me into reacting angrily so he could have a legitimate reason to hate me. Guess what? It didn't work! Biting my tongue in the face of outrageously sleazy smears and insinuations was one of the hardest things I've ever done-- but really, who cares what people think I did or didn't do? Seriously, WHO CARES? Does it really matter what a bunch of strangers on an internet forum thinks? Surely not...it's not worth dignifying with a response. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing he couldn't force me to do as he wanted.
In every other respect, I had a wonderful summer in spite of him.
As they say in perception management literature, CONTROL THE FRAME. By getting on with your new life and being happy on your own terms, you're refusing to allow him the satisfaction of reacting to him, thereby giving him power over you. YOU ABSOLUTELY DON'T HAVE TO PLAY THE ROLE HE CAST YOU IN. Life's too short. I have a horrible gut feeling that if I engaged at all, this would have escalated like crazy and ended in violence. Losing a few potential friends is nothing-- walk away while you still can, before it spirals out of control.
Here's my advice:
1. Don't respond to or engage with him in any way.
2. Document any attempts at contact.
2. Stay away from any places, people, and events associated with him.
3. Take a break from your club; join a new one.
4. Shrug off the drama with mutual friends; stop caring about it.
5. Curtail your internet presence under the names he knows about and develop new ones.
None of that stuff is fair, but it's the only way you're ever going to get peace of mind. In life you have to choose your battles carefully, and this one just isn't worth it. Meet new people and make new friends-- it's a big, big world out there.
Stay strong, and enjoy your new life with your boyfriend.
posted by aquafortis at 2:53 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sorry, but having sex with someone does not make you their property or give them any right to expect more from it than you were willing to give. In fact, this behavior is worse than immaturity. I would not be surprised if he has a history of violence, and if he starts stalking you in other RL venues, I'd consider looking into a RO. Let your friends know that you dated someone who didn't take your incompatibility very well and not to give any information about you if he should contact them.
If the club doesn't have someone with authority to keep out stalkers and other undesirables, consider either a hiatus or a new club. (Or have a friend let you know when this guy gave up so you can come back.)
posted by Hylas at 3:36 PM on December 13, 2011
If the club doesn't have someone with authority to keep out stalkers and other undesirables, consider either a hiatus or a new club. (Or have a friend let you know when this guy gave up so you can come back.)
posted by Hylas at 3:36 PM on December 13, 2011
I think you have handled this exceptionally well, and you should just keep doing what you're doing. As others have said, let the club decide what it wants to do about his dramatic shenanigans. You can even frame it as, "I realise this is going on and it makes people uncomfortable. What can WE do about it?"
The only thing I might have done differently is that when he kept pushing for a relationship, I might have figured that this guy was not going to back off and was in fact only pretending to be okay with the casualness of the relationship in hopes that my mind would change - and as a result pulled the plug. But that's hindsight for you.
Is your blog hosted on a domain? Blocking his IP is kind of a bandaid as opposed to a solution but it might get him off your back. That, or blogging privately.
posted by sm1tten at 4:34 PM on December 13, 2011
The only thing I might have done differently is that when he kept pushing for a relationship, I might have figured that this guy was not going to back off and was in fact only pretending to be okay with the casualness of the relationship in hopes that my mind would change - and as a result pulled the plug. But that's hindsight for you.
Is your blog hosted on a domain? Blocking his IP is kind of a bandaid as opposed to a solution but it might get him off your back. That, or blogging privately.
posted by sm1tten at 4:34 PM on December 13, 2011
Is your blog hosted on a domain? Blocking his IP is kind of a bandaid as opposed to a solution but it might get him off your back. That, or blogging privately.
Whoooooaaaaa now. ANY attention would be a disaster. This includes trying to block him in a way he'd know about, talking to people about it and other things. All you should say is something along the lines of "I know he's acting out. I am not encouraging him." Any rational person would understand the difference between your mature response and his crazytown histrionics.
People who behave in this way crave a response. Any response. Literally anything.
There'll probably be an extinction burst before it stops. The hugging thing kind of seemed close. More about behavior and extinction bursts. Or he is mentally ill in some way and needs to find a new focus.
I'm not trying to scare you. He doesn't sound dangerous (I have no way to know one way or the other, but he hasn't been violent or hinted at it) so I think you just need to ride it out silently.
I'm really sorry this is happening, btw.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:59 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Whoooooaaaaa now. ANY attention would be a disaster. This includes trying to block him in a way he'd know about, talking to people about it and other things. All you should say is something along the lines of "I know he's acting out. I am not encouraging him." Any rational person would understand the difference between your mature response and his crazytown histrionics.
People who behave in this way crave a response. Any response. Literally anything.
There'll probably be an extinction burst before it stops. The hugging thing kind of seemed close. More about behavior and extinction bursts. Or he is mentally ill in some way and needs to find a new focus.
I'm not trying to scare you. He doesn't sound dangerous (I have no way to know one way or the other, but he hasn't been violent or hinted at it) so I think you just need to ride it out silently.
I'm really sorry this is happening, btw.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:59 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Fuck this guy. What a jerk. I'm sorry this is happening to you. remeber that none of it is your fault in any way - this guy is a loon.
I suggest the following:
1. Email. This should be easy. Add a filter for his email addresses to your email program, or whatever cloud email provider, like gmail, that you use. His emails get deleted automatically. Bam! However, if you are concerned that you might need to call the cops on him eventually, then just filter the emails into a folder that you don't have to look at unless you are going to call the cops.
2. Cell phone. this depends on your cell phone model. If you have an Android smart phone, there are a few call blocker apps. A pretty good rundown here. If you are on an iPhone, the only way to block calls currently is to jailbreak. I am currently using an jailbreak app called 'iBlacklist'. It's good - blacklisted people cannot call or text you (the phone doesn't ring) but the app keeps a record of all the attempted call and texts which you can access if you need to.
3. Tell your friends in the social club about the situation, in a clam and dispassionate manner (I note that you seems to already have done this). Don't bad-mouth *him* - address the behaviour, not the person. Tell them that you don't want to hear about him, and that you would appreciate their not passing on any messages. Be calm and reasonable. Control the story. He is one being the asshole - your friends will see that. As others have said, you might need to take a break from the club for a little while, and see you club friends in other settings.
4. Work phone. don't answer any calls that are marked private - just let them go to voicemail. Anyone business related who is calling you will leave a message or email you. If he starts making threatening or harassing phone calls to your office, you can request a different number, and look into getting a restraining order.
5. Blog. Block his IP on your blog, or swing the banhammer on him if you can.
You can do all this stuff, and then forget about him - not having to devote brain space to this tool is a benefit itself.
6. IRL. If he approaches you in person, tell him calmly that you don't want to talk to him, and walk away. Don't wrestle with the pig - you'll just get muddy and the pig likes it. If he continues to harass you, you might need a restraining order - this is where your email and phone records come in.
Good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:25 PM on December 13, 2011
I suggest the following:
1. Email. This should be easy. Add a filter for his email addresses to your email program, or whatever cloud email provider, like gmail, that you use. His emails get deleted automatically. Bam! However, if you are concerned that you might need to call the cops on him eventually, then just filter the emails into a folder that you don't have to look at unless you are going to call the cops.
2. Cell phone. this depends on your cell phone model. If you have an Android smart phone, there are a few call blocker apps. A pretty good rundown here. If you are on an iPhone, the only way to block calls currently is to jailbreak. I am currently using an jailbreak app called 'iBlacklist'. It's good - blacklisted people cannot call or text you (the phone doesn't ring) but the app keeps a record of all the attempted call and texts which you can access if you need to.
3. Tell your friends in the social club about the situation, in a clam and dispassionate manner (I note that you seems to already have done this). Don't bad-mouth *him* - address the behaviour, not the person. Tell them that you don't want to hear about him, and that you would appreciate their not passing on any messages. Be calm and reasonable. Control the story. He is one being the asshole - your friends will see that. As others have said, you might need to take a break from the club for a little while, and see you club friends in other settings.
4. Work phone. don't answer any calls that are marked private - just let them go to voicemail. Anyone business related who is calling you will leave a message or email you. If he starts making threatening or harassing phone calls to your office, you can request a different number, and look into getting a restraining order.
5. Blog. Block his IP on your blog, or swing the banhammer on him if you can.
You can do all this stuff, and then forget about him - not having to devote brain space to this tool is a benefit itself.
6. IRL. If he approaches you in person, tell him calmly that you don't want to talk to him, and walk away. Don't wrestle with the pig - you'll just get muddy and the pig likes it. If he continues to harass you, you might need a restraining order - this is where your email and phone records come in.
Good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:25 PM on December 13, 2011
Whoooooaaaaa now. ANY attention would be a disaster. This includes trying to block him in a way he'd know about, talking to people about it and other things. All you should say is something along the lines of "I know he's acting out. I am not encouraging him." Any rational person would understand the difference between your mature response and his crazytown histrionics.
Yeah, after I said it I re-thought it because it would be feeding the bears. However, in a similar situation I did it because it really made ME feel better because of the nature of my blog and their attention to it.
However, I'm not patient enough to "ride it out" beyond a pretty limited period of time, so if someone in the club who was in a position to do or suggest something came to me with "So and So is saying this and doing that" I would have the conversation with them about it. Not just idle gossip and return trash-talking. YMMV of course.
posted by sm1tten at 5:38 PM on December 13, 2011
Yeah, after I said it I re-thought it because it would be feeding the bears. However, in a similar situation I did it because it really made ME feel better because of the nature of my blog and their attention to it.
However, I'm not patient enough to "ride it out" beyond a pretty limited period of time, so if someone in the club who was in a position to do or suggest something came to me with "So and So is saying this and doing that" I would have the conversation with them about it. Not just idle gossip and return trash-talking. YMMV of course.
posted by sm1tten at 5:38 PM on December 13, 2011
Why do you care if he looks at your blog, assuming he isn't commenting on your posts? If it's public anyone is free to look at it. While the rest of his behavior is out of line, I think it's silly to control where he goes online. If you want to control your audience you should just make your bog private.
posted by timsneezed at 6:22 PM on December 13, 2011
posted by timsneezed at 6:22 PM on December 13, 2011
I had a situation similar to this recently where the guy tried to tell me I was a prude because I wouldn't have sex with him after going out with him a few times, and deciding I wasn't into him. The he would keep sending creepy messages. I tried to be "just friends"; it didn't work.
what did work was just disengaging- I stopped answering his messages and stopped meeting him after he proved he wouldn't stop pressuring me for sex. I did feel a little sad for losing the friendship, but he was making me uncomfortable and I felt it was the only choice I had. He hasn't contacted me in at least a month.
posted by bearette at 7:50 PM on December 13, 2011
what did work was just disengaging- I stopped answering his messages and stopped meeting him after he proved he wouldn't stop pressuring me for sex. I did feel a little sad for losing the friendship, but he was making me uncomfortable and I felt it was the only choice I had. He hasn't contacted me in at least a month.
posted by bearette at 7:50 PM on December 13, 2011
I tend to see sex as part of the whole dating package anyways and not a huge deal, and I'm sure that makes me a bad person.
Just stepping in to say that you aren't a bad person for this.
I'm also agreeing with OnTheLastCastle, I think the club will probably kick him out. He's the problem, not you, and if they don't kick him out he'll ultimately continue to cause problems for people in other situations.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 1:09 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just stepping in to say that you aren't a bad person for this.
I'm also agreeing with OnTheLastCastle, I think the club will probably kick him out. He's the problem, not you, and if they don't kick him out he'll ultimately continue to cause problems for people in other situations.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 1:09 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't just about the club. Make sure that your priority is keeping yourself safe from a guy who is an unstable, unpredictable stalker.
There is lots of advice here on the green about stalkers and you know what to do. Read the Gift of Fear. Send a firm do-not-contact message if it hasn't been done already. Block, ignore, walk away, ignore, ignore, ignore.
If you think you need a restraining order, get one. If you think you need to leave the club, leave.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. It is not your fault and you are not a bad person. Every now and then, many of us trip over a complete fucking nut job and, unfortunately, we have to rearrange our own lives to minimize their drama. This guy sounds a lot like my stalker, so please MeMail me anytime you'd like.
posted by motsque at 6:43 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is lots of advice here on the green about stalkers and you know what to do. Read the Gift of Fear. Send a firm do-not-contact message if it hasn't been done already. Block, ignore, walk away, ignore, ignore, ignore.
If you think you need a restraining order, get one. If you think you need to leave the club, leave.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. It is not your fault and you are not a bad person. Every now and then, many of us trip over a complete fucking nut job and, unfortunately, we have to rearrange our own lives to minimize their drama. This guy sounds a lot like my stalker, so please MeMail me anytime you'd like.
posted by motsque at 6:43 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Anyhow, in the meantime you have a new guy in the picture, so I'd focus on that and stop thinking/talking about this unfortunate business to the greatest of your ability.
It's tough when you factor in the cyber element -- when someone is leaving little traces of their attention all over, hoping you'll notice even if you don't react. Here's the best most useful I've ever found on MeFi, maybe it will strengthen your resolve.
posted by hermitosis at 1:31 PM on December 13, 2011 [2 favorites]