I need space. Perhaps a continent.
December 11, 2011 9:05 AM Subscribe
How can I want to be my old married self again?
posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
My husband's job transferred him to [New Place], and mine required that I stay where I was for a couple of months before leaving to rejoin him. We're in our early thirties, we've been married for about 2 1/2 years, and we get along very well. At first, of course, I missed him a great deal. But as the weeks have gone by I have found myself getting horribly attached to having no one around to answer to. I am leaving soon to join him, and I'm getting a little worried about it.
See, I like living alone. I always have. I knew I did. But I didn't remember how much. Not having anyone else to answer to for the condition of your living arrangements is really relaxing, and paradoxically ensures that I keep it cleaner. I can use any room in the apartment at any time, because there's never anyone sleeping there at odd hours. I just really love the freedom that being alone gets me.
This has led to a number of other positive changes. I've lost some extra weight, become more energetic, started seeing my friends more, and started a couple of creative projects I am very excited about. I have, as I always do, just become more competent when on my own. Having no one around to do half of the tasks of daily life means I get it together to do it myself. As someone who sometimes has trouble bothering to drag herself out of bed, I appreciate this boost a lot.
But. I love my husband, I want to move to [New Place] with him. I've moved with him before, and I would have jumped at the chance to move to [New Place] even alone. He is a wonderful person, Great Catch et cetera, and it is in no way a reasonable idea to consider leaving him just because I miss being single. That would be stupid on a whole lot of levels. But I've opened up so much since he left, and become a much more productive and happier person. I'm really afraid that's going to go away.
I already know I am am excessively timid in my relationships, trying to please the other person at the expense of my own desires and needs. I try to fight this tendency, but it is something I have yet to have much success with.
So, ugh, does anyone have any ideas at all about how I can maintain these positive changes in myself through a major move, and, even more, through living with the man I married again? How can I feel good about joining him in [New Place] when all I really want right now is to enjoy being alone?
I have a therapist already, and I don't think more will help.