How do I get better at banter and better enjoy and participate in workplace conversation and jocularity?

December 9, 2011 5:54 PM

How do I get better at banter and better enjoy and participate in workplace conversation and jocularity?

I am an introverted (possibly borderline aspergers) nerd in the United Kingdom. I enjoy banter when it is about technical or otherwise reasonably well-defined subjects, as there is an implicit exchange of information and I feel the participants share an understanding of the topic and a desire to explore it. I struggle with free-ranging conversations that can range from pure banter to small talk to business discussion.

At my workplace the banter ranges from the very lighthearted - discussing funny movies, to social (peoples problems, lovelives etc.), to office humour like running jokes.

All of which leaves me feeling like primitive robot at a hackysack game, I can't keep the ball in the air. I want to join in, but don't know how.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

The difference between you and a primitive robot is that you probably have a lot more capacity for learning.

I was an extremely introverted person until a few years ago. I still prefer solitude, work fantastic alone, etc, but my current job requires that I quickly be able to develop a rapport with anyone under very stressful situations. This involves small talk, banter, and being able to change gears quickly to serious topics.

It gets easier and easier as you do it. Don't stress about any mistakes you feel you have made in conversation--people won't remember them tomorrow or even later in the hour. Start small, but don't hesitate to jump in, or your opportunity to add to that particular topic may be lost.

Learn some of the running jokes, and learn when people use them. Then drop one or two of them offhandedly when you see that kind of opening in the future. Try to expand your banter vocabulary--press the borders of technical knowledge into discussions about movies or business. If you get stuck making small talk about people's problems and love lives, ask them questions about themselves. "Really? I can't believe he would have done that to you. That seems so uncharacteristic. What did you do? ... Oh wow, you have a lot of self control. I might have had to do XYZ." Even if you wouldn't have had to do XYZ, because you wouldn't have gotten yourself into the situation in the first place, it still makes people feel like you are actively listening to them, which you are.
posted by skyl1n3 at 6:02 PM on December 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Seconding skyl1n3. A great way to develop banter skills is to listen to people do it- to pick up, for example, on how people keep the ball in the air. Listening to work conversations with an ear for conversational dynamics is one way to learn, another is to listen to comedic podcasts where funny folks do just this. Jordon, Jesse, Go! and Stop Podcasting Yourself should work well for this because they aren't so much improvisational-comedy as they are relatively-funny-people-talking-to-each-other-about-their-weeks. They are also a fun way to occupy your ears while cooking dinner or running errands. They're both free on iTunes.
posted by farishta at 6:24 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

You might enjoy something like an improv class. It may sound silly, but the point of improv is to learn to think quickly on your feet and to trust your conversational partners. It's a great (and fun) way to practice many of the same skills that make people good at witty banter.
posted by decathecting at 6:27 PM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

A lot of banter is just talking about current events. Go see popular movies from time to time so that you have something to talk about when the topic comes up or read the latest book. Or better yet, you can bring up the movie and get the conversation rolling. (I can't tell you how many people have told me how good The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is. I'm the only person who hasn't read it (which in itself is something to talk about.)

The other things is to listen to people, actually listen. So if someone says in passing that their kid has a soccer game or the SO's parents are visiting or their brother has a boil, you can later ask about it. People like it when you say, so how was Suzie's game or how's the visit with the in-laws going - you know you can stay on my couch, or I read a weird article on tale bone boils and I thought of your brother, how's he doing.

I used to be a realtor and I had a lot of relocation clients, where basically you're trapped in your car with strangers for several hours. When driving around San Francisco I gave them the insiders view of the City, pointing out all the good restaurants and bars, asking about where they came from and pointing out what's different/better/worse/more or less expensive etc. I would look for a connection no matter where they were from. Chicago - my best friends lives there on State Street; Texas - I was born east of Dallas; Kentucky - I'm fond of Bourbon; Boston - I spent a couple days there in the dead of winter, man it was cold but I got to stay at the Ritz; etc.

The thing to remember is that there is no wrong answer or response, just don't be insulting with regard to race, religion, politics. And if I knew nothing about a place, this was my opportunity to ask them about it. Next client, oh I had another client from there, so tell me what's your take on Cincinnati chili.
posted by shoesietart at 6:57 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am extremely introverted and on the autism spectrum myself. I am also pretty good with people. In fact, I am working in a very peopley volunteer position right now, which I was asked to do because of my people skills. It doesn't make me not introverted anymore. I just do people stuff in short bursts.

So please don't think your introversion or your thought processes are something you need to change. You just need to adapt to your environment and find your niche.

Some general things I'd recommend are:

* Be a little self-deprecating, but not too much. That is, you can make a joke at your own expense or to flatter others; but not too much and nothing that sounds like an appeal to pity. Maybe call yourself a dork or call them the cool kids here and there in a jokey way, but don't imply that they want to steal your lunch money, and don't make it your schtick.

* Know your strengths, and know your limits. I have a pretty good sense of humor and can make people laugh, for example; but I have to be careful to keep it safe. Nothing too gross, sex-related, or violent, and nothing too nerdy (if your joke requires intimate knowledge of the Diary of Samuel Pepys or polymers or something, it's probably too nerdy). I only vocalize maybe a fifth of the jokes I think of in conversation. This can loosen up as you get to know people, but you want to be pretty confident before you go blue. The same general principles apply to whatever your strengths are. Don't go in guns blazing, don't dominate discussions, and keep things pretty gentle, but do use your natural strengths.

* Get to know people individually. Express interest in them, and remember what they tell you about their hobbies, their families, things like that. Having a supporter is a great way to gain acceptance into a group.

* Be a nice person. Not a sniveling toady, but just a generally nice person. Be polite and make small friendly advances when you're comfortable doing so. Ask someone to lunch, say Hi in the halls, or initiate a short, polite exchange here and there. Don't keep them more than thirty seconds unless they're the ones talking; and don't persist if they don't reciprocate.

* You don't always have to talk to contribute. You can also listen, you can mirror others, and maybe just drop in some little social lubricants like laughing, expressions of interest (Wow, really? Cool!), and things like that. People like people who are interested in them.
posted by ernielundquist at 7:04 PM on December 9, 2011 [8 favorites]

nothing too nerdy (if your joke requires intimate knowledge of the Diary of Samuel Pepys or polymers or something, it's probably too nerdy

This is why I don't make jokes with people at work - I cannot calibrate for what 'normal people' are likely to know. If you cannot figure out if they would know something because you assume that everyone knows it, jokes are dangerous to attempt.

What I do is to listen enthusiastically. People love nothing more than to talk about themselves, and if you give them opportunities they will like you, too. If you ask questions (nothing too intrusive or personal) about the things they're interested in, they will chat your ear off and you will have more conversational gambits for next time.

Nodding and smiling works well here in a pinch, but I've been told that the UK is much less of a smile-centric culture than the US so I don't know if that is advice that would work for you.
posted by winna at 7:34 PM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Just a few tips:
-Participate only when you want to, but be willing to step outside of your comfort zone
-Try stepping outside of your comfort zone (when you feel comfortable) even if the content isn't interesting; ask about other people and learn more about the people instead of the content
-Share personal information about your life that is above small talk but not too 'deep' for a lack of a better word
-I say this because it will let co-workers have something to share with you, it won't be humiliating if word travels around the office (always be careful about that), and people will follow up with you if they are interested
-Laugh whenever you find something funny, but don't do it excessively
-Be nice to other people and be aware of what you say to other people because you might joke around, but a joke may be taken offensively
-If you don't know what to say then say "that's so ______" and share a personal experience of yours
posted by sincerely-s at 7:50 PM on December 9, 2011

I'm in a similar boat as ernielundquist where I can be pretty good with people, but I have to deal with a lot of internal scripts to make it not seem like I am robotic. The things that have worked best for me include:

1. Most people love to talk about themselves, their families, their interests. Often there's little required other than to look interested and insert things to help move on the conversation ("really?" "and then what happened?").

2. If you remember small things about that person (so-and-so has a kids on a sport team, another co-worker has a parrot, etc), you can open up conversations and then the other person is usually content to go on and on about their parrot/kids/baseball team.

3. Don't feel you have to involve yourself in conversations that make you uncomfortable just because it's a conversation everyone else is involved with. Dieting is a big deal in my workplace and I avoid these conversations like the plague.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 5:33 AM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Don't stress about any mistakes you feel you have made in conversation--people won't remember them tomorrow or even later in the hour."
I beg to disagree - they will remember and if you say something that is particularly offensive it will most certainly have an effect on your working relationship.

Banter is fun but I wouldn't worry if you are not always directly involved. People who banter love nothing more than an audience who appreciates their banter.

Don't feel compelled to get involved in every conversation. A well timed clanger that is appropriate carries a lot of weight. If you are the guy who is usually not involved in banter and then every now and again says something which is perfectly timed and witty you will be remembered much more than the the oaf that says a bunch of goofy crap just because he wants to be involved in a conversation.
posted by YukonQuirm at 7:54 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I find this to be something of a "chemistry" thing and hard to create with an algorithm. If you're very different from the people around you, it's possible to learn to "pass" but it will rarely feel natural or comfortable to you. I'd prefer to be around people who were willing to joke about polymers, and, if I didn't get it, I could ask to explain it. What worked for me was to find "my peeps." those who appreciated who I was even if they didn't always get me, and vice versa. We could give each other the benefit of the doubt and if we failed at a batter attempt, no harm-no foul. To do this in a work environment, among unwilling participants who are there mainly for a paycheck is nearly impossible but, since you all share something in common by virtue of your being there, try to build off that commonality.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:49 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

People will sometimes remember and even hold it against you if you say something really offensive to them.

However, if you're careful to keep things friendly and not to broach controversial topics or delve into ill-considered insult comedy or something, and you just slip up and say something dorky or something, only gigantic jerks are going to use that against you. Even the most confident people have had their awkward moments, so almost everyone can empathize. Make a mental note, learn from it, then brush it off.

I'm not going to lie. There are people out there who are consistently snarky and judgmental, and who will exploit anything they perceive as weakness on others' parts, but that's their problem. If someone feels a need to knock others down in order to feel good about themselves, they're probably not the type of people you really want to suck up to anyway.

I used to worry about that kind of thing a lot when I was younger, but at some point, although I knew it as boring parental advice, it hit me that it's really true. People like that do have little angry pockets of influence, but most people see them for the full-time haters they are. The type of insults and judgments that people regularly pass on other people tend to reflect much more on them than they do on their targets. If someone regularly makes casual assumptions that other people are behaving nefariously in some way, it's usually because the accuser is guilty of that behavior. They're really not worth your time. Those people are a small but insidious minority, so it really is best to just avoid them entirely.

If you wouldn't think less of someone for making a gaffe, you have a right to surround yourself with people who are similarly inclined. Let your gaffes be a Jerk Identification Signal, so you can avoid wasting any more time and effort on them.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:02 AM on December 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well, I could say "to thine own self be true," but as someone who scores high on Asperger's tests myself, that can be a tall order.

You can be a listener. Now there's a dying breed. Saying "hi" in passing, or, "hey, what's going on" can be good ways to open a chat. Don't ever feel like you have to listen to some long tale of woe, though; just say you have to get back to work, and take off.

I sit next to a woman at work with whom I share many interests, so I'm lucky. 1-on-1 might work better for you too. And if you never really learn to banter, you might not be missing out on all that much. Talkers tend to put their foot in it.
posted by Currer Belfry at 10:07 AM on December 10, 2011

Since you are in the UK, I'd say that it's a good idea to be mildly amusing. I think understatement is the classic way to go. It's harder to get wrong. Also, you can genuinely always start a conversation about the weather when you're stuck for something to say.

At work we get a lot of banter about amusing news stories - they are often easy to find on BBC news.
posted by plonkee at 11:13 AM on December 10, 2011

I'm not sure but maybe this will help:

I enjoy banter when it is about technical or otherwise reasonably well-defined subjects, as there is an implicit exchange of information

I think maybe you mean that there is an explicit exchange of information, or even, that information (even if it about the content of opinions) is the thing being explicitly exchanged. And perhaps you even mean exchange of information that is interesting to you.

Talking about business and talking about social lives is most definitely an exchange of information. It would be worth it to try to understand why exchanging information about those topics is harder for you than exchanging information about other topics. It may simply be that you're not as interested, or that you find it tricky to manage the line between interested and nosy. The solution to that may be a combination of "acting," "faking till you make it," and the use of questions to guide the conversation to things that are interesting to you. For example, maybe you're not so interested in where your coworker went on vacation, but you are interested in how they chose where to go. Or you don't care who they met on vacation, but you'd be interested to hear about the geography there, etc.

And there is always an implicit exchange of information. Often the information exchanged, implicitly, is along the lines of "I think you're worth listening to." "I find you interesting." "I am paying attention." Often it's, "Please make me feel worth listening to." "Please make me feel interesting." "Please make me feel heard and seen."

I understand that's the kind of subtext that is often difficult for people Aspergers. The good news is that there are almost always clues in word choice and body language, that you can learn to be attentive to, and also that the technique for succeeding in that kind of exchange of information is pretty universal. Paying attention, mirroring, nodding, asking occasional questions, not interrupting, looking interested, etc, work for pretty much every conversation.
posted by Salamandrous at 11:26 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you're good at recognizing the moments of banter, but just arent sure what to contribute, how about being the guy that notices when other people have made an especially witty remark? If someone delivers a funny (and not mean) zinger, acknowledge it with a "well played, sir" or a "nice one!" This takes the pressure off of you to come up with something on the spot, while showing your coworkers that you appreciate their humor. Everybody loves a compliment.
posted by MsMolly at 12:44 PM on December 10, 2011

I agree with everyone who's saying just smile and listen and be a good audience. I'm extremely introverted and very awkward and truly awful at workplace banter (and in the UK too!), and yesterday, to my astonishment, a colleague actually described me as outgoing. When I asked what on earth he was talking about, he pointed out that while a lot of people will look at him funny or just ignore him when he makes a joke or an observation, I will generally laugh. Your colleagues may not be quite so easily pleased as mine, but you may as well give it a go!
posted by raspberry-ripple at 3:26 PM on December 10, 2011

We have a guy in the office who is very, very serious and sort of shy. We absolutely love him and consider him an important part of our office, even though he never, ever cracks a joke and just smiles happily while we go crazy in staff meetings.

Just so you don't feel awkward next time it happens.
posted by Tarumba at 3:32 PM on December 10, 2011