Losing your Boyfriend and Bestfriend in one swift move.
December 9, 2011 1:28 PM Subscribe
Help me stick to my "right decision" even though it's making me feel sick. Dealing with a break-up when you are both still in love and there was no breach of trust.
posted by pandorasbox to Human Relations (20 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
My S.O (he is male, I am female) and I have been together for more than three years. We have been living together for 2 and a half of those years. We love each other a lot. We get along really well, and are compatible sexually, emotionally, etc.
There are only two problems. One is that he is significantly older than me (I in my mid 20s, he in his late 30s) and the other is that I want kids and he doesn't.
I don't want them NOW, mind you, and that is the biggest reason that we have been able to... avoid the issue as long as we have. His reasoning is that if he was going to have kids he would have had them by now. Mine has been, why break up now for something that might change in the future.
However, lately I have been "lamenting" all of the things I am not doing because of this relationship. Trips I could be taking, pubnights I don't go to. We have a very solitary, stay-at-home, existence. He often said that he "felt bad he was keeping me from doing all the young-people things that I should be doing at this age" I've always hated that stuff, but lately I've been missing it more and more, feeling like I'm "missing out" on something.
It's kind of like... if we WERE going to stay together forever (which I REALLY REALLY want to, so does he) I would be willing to "give up" certain things for him. But I feel like there is "no point" in giving anything up if in the end we can't be together. Wanting kids is non-negotiable to me, and he feels he is to old and will ESPECIALLY be to old when I will want them. Maybe breaking up because I feel like I'm "missing out" is a selfish reason. I don't know.
What I do know, is we had the break-up conversation, both decided it was for the best. But we still love each other, we are still living in the same house, he is my best friend. When anything happens, good or bad, he is the one I want to call. And I can't. And it is breaking me. Every two seconds I'm reminded of losing my lover AND my best friend, and for no real REASON. So there is no sense of closure or anything. If I could be angry at him it would be so much easier to deal with.
So my questions:
1) Did I make the right choice? Does it make sense to break-up for these reasons, or should I "wait it out" and see if circumstances change (maybe I will decide I don't want kids, maybe I can't have kids, maybe he will decide he wants them after all)
2) How do you "deal" with a break-up where no-one did anything "wrong" and you are still completely in love.
3) How do you deal with losing your best friend and boyfriend all in swift move. Especially when as a result of being so insular for several years he is pretty much your only close friend.