First time sex advice?
June 23, 2005 8:56 AM Subscribe
So my girlfriend and I have decided we're going to have sex. First time for both of us even though we're both adults. We're going to go away for a weekend to do it. Any advice for making it great? What do you wish had been different about your first time?
Assuming you will use rubbers, buy a tube of lube just in case the things get a bit dry.
About my first time? I wish I had known there could be so much blood. Luckily her car seats had dark covers. She told her parents she had to wash them because she spilled her Coke.
posted by mischief at 9:11 AM on June 23, 2005
About my first time? I wish I had known there could be so much blood. Luckily her car seats had dark covers. She told her parents she had to wash them because she spilled her Coke.
posted by mischief at 9:11 AM on June 23, 2005
A good wank a few hours before should help with overstimulation and its inevitable resulting disappointment.
posted by Kwantsar at 9:13 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by Kwantsar at 9:13 AM on June 23, 2005
Fore. Play.
Get to know each others' bodies and don't touch erogenous zones (breasts or genitals) for at least the first hour. Do it until you are both insane with desire and then do it some more and then... you know. The more you tease, the more you bring each other to the edge and back off, the more you'll explode when you finally reach the peak.
Of course maybe you can't do this the first time, you may be impatient, but there's no reason not to give it a try the second time -- you have all weekend, after all.
posted by kindall at 9:14 AM on June 23, 2005 [4 favorites]
Get to know each others' bodies and don't touch erogenous zones (breasts or genitals) for at least the first hour. Do it until you are both insane with desire and then do it some more and then... you know. The more you tease, the more you bring each other to the edge and back off, the more you'll explode when you finally reach the peak.
Of course maybe you can't do this the first time, you may be impatient, but there's no reason not to give it a try the second time -- you have all weekend, after all.
posted by kindall at 9:14 AM on June 23, 2005 [4 favorites]
I think the most fun is exploring each other. Go slow and find where all the bits are and how they feel. Go as slow as you possibly can, until you can't. Be in a warm place. Have some nice oil handy for massages etc. Use all your senses.
posted by anadem at 9:15 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by anadem at 9:15 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
What kindall said. SERIOUSLY, WHAT KINDALL SAID.
And! Don't expect the first time to be fabulous, although it most definitely can be. My first time was as an adult too, and we did it about 10 gazillion times the first day (aw, we went away for the weekend too!)...haha, it was sex, then we went out to grab lunch. Then more sex. Then we went to dinner and a show. Then some more sex. Then we slept. Then sex the next morning...Ah, you get the picture. Anyway, each time was better than the previous time (because we were learning what felt good, logistics (ha!), etc), so definitely take advantage of the fact that you'll be together all weekend.
posted by AlisonM at 9:24 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
And! Don't expect the first time to be fabulous, although it most definitely can be. My first time was as an adult too, and we did it about 10 gazillion times the first day (aw, we went away for the weekend too!)...haha, it was sex, then we went out to grab lunch. Then more sex. Then we went to dinner and a show. Then some more sex. Then we slept. Then sex the next morning...Ah, you get the picture. Anyway, each time was better than the previous time (because we were learning what felt good, logistics (ha!), etc), so definitely take advantage of the fact that you'll be together all weekend.
posted by AlisonM at 9:24 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
It's ok to laugh at the slurpee noises.
posted by mischief at 9:28 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
posted by mischief at 9:28 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
It's really easy to assume that you have to make the first time great, & that not to do so is some kind of failure. It's not. Was the first drawing you ever made great? How about the first letter you ever wrote?
Give yourselves a whole lot of latitude. This is the very earliest experimental phase for you. Communicate--a lot--about what's good and what's less good. Enjoy each other's company.
posted by 88robots at 9:41 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Give yourselves a whole lot of latitude. This is the very earliest experimental phase for you. Communicate--a lot--about what's good and what's less good. Enjoy each other's company.
posted by 88robots at 9:41 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Enjoy the journey, not the goal! (And what kindall and 88robots said.)
Towel for underneath. Let her set the pace. Let the emotional intimacy of it all set the tone. (Physically, it may or may not be great the first time. This is an area where practice and familiarity definitely improve the experience over time.)
I wish someone had told me, as a woman, to entertain the possibility that I might feel a little wistful afterward. I was a willing participant but it was a big milestone and I tend to be all mushy about such things. YMMV/HMMV
posted by jeanmari at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2005
Towel for underneath. Let her set the pace. Let the emotional intimacy of it all set the tone. (Physically, it may or may not be great the first time. This is an area where practice and familiarity definitely improve the experience over time.)
I wish someone had told me, as a woman, to entertain the possibility that I might feel a little wistful afterward. I was a willing participant but it was a big milestone and I tend to be all mushy about such things. YMMV/HMMV
posted by jeanmari at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2005
Don't make it any more serious or planned than it has to be. You'll run the risk of overplannning, overexpecting and it will definitely kill the mood if the two of you are nervous as hell.
Try to leave some spontaneity in place. Grab a few bottles of wine, if you're going someplace where hotel reservations are not necessarily required then wing it and don't make them. Leave some things to chance and it will make the situation a little more anticipatory and/or exhilarating (besides, women like danger!).
;)
Just relax, have fun. This is a truly great experience even if the sex is not that great (and it will not be every time). Hold hands after, kiss, cuddle, have a shower together, giggle with eachother over lunch/dinner over any silly events that may have transpired etc.
Man, I wish I could go back and go through this all over again.
posted by purephase at 9:49 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Try to leave some spontaneity in place. Grab a few bottles of wine, if you're going someplace where hotel reservations are not necessarily required then wing it and don't make them. Leave some things to chance and it will make the situation a little more anticipatory and/or exhilarating (besides, women like danger!).
;)
Just relax, have fun. This is a truly great experience even if the sex is not that great (and it will not be every time). Hold hands after, kiss, cuddle, have a shower together, giggle with eachother over lunch/dinner over any silly events that may have transpired etc.
Man, I wish I could go back and go through this all over again.
posted by purephase at 9:49 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to insure that SHE has some orgasms (or, if you're both women, that you BOTH do).
posted by tristeza at 9:53 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by tristeza at 9:53 AM on June 23, 2005
Be really, really nice and tender to her afterwards and gentle, gentle, gentle. Stop the instant she says so and be patient, it's totally different for you than it is for her, sensation and emotionwise.
Focus on her as much as possible. Sex is about as close as we have to telepathy so approach it with reverence, but as in all human endeavors, a grain of acknowledgement of the absurdity of it all.
Oh and as said above, wild out and do it as many times as your mutual frames can sustain. Bring gatorade.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:00 AM on June 23, 2005
Focus on her as much as possible. Sex is about as close as we have to telepathy so approach it with reverence, but as in all human endeavors, a grain of acknowledgement of the absurdity of it all.
Oh and as said above, wild out and do it as many times as your mutual frames can sustain. Bring gatorade.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:00 AM on June 23, 2005
It makes a difference how physically intimate you've been so far. If you've spent a lot of time together in bed, wearing very little, being playful and naughty, then most things are already in place. If you've kissed and hugged, but never seen or touched each other nekkid, you might want to do a bit of that before the weekend, or make it a long weekend, or whatever, so long as you don't inadvertantly rush through that part to get to the sex part, or see sex as the goal for that weekend relegate the stuff working up to it as the means to that end :)
posted by -harlequin- at 10:02 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by -harlequin- at 10:02 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
What tristeza said. One way is to masturbate her or go down on her before anyone gets CLOSE to your dick. You're gonna be far easier to bring to climax (again assuming you're a guy).
posted by NickDouglas at 10:04 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by NickDouglas at 10:04 AM on June 23, 2005
Any advice for making it great?
Sure. Don't plan it.
posted by sourwookie at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2005
Sure. Don't plan it.
posted by sourwookie at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2005
What Kindal and Alison said! Have fun, fun, fun. Let it be silly!
Also, it might pay to have woman-on-top for the first penetration, as that will allow her to control the angle and speed.
And talk. Ask questions: "Do you like this? How can I do that better? How do you do it?"
Damn. Now I'm wistful, too, and it's been something like twenty years since our first fuck, and twelve since our last one. Sigh... good times, good times.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:10 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Also, it might pay to have woman-on-top for the first penetration, as that will allow her to control the angle and speed.
And talk. Ask questions: "Do you like this? How can I do that better? How do you do it?"
Damn. Now I'm wistful, too, and it's been something like twenty years since our first fuck, and twelve since our last one. Sigh... good times, good times.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:10 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Use Avanti or Trojan Supra condoms. They offer a better experience than the ordinary ones (different material).
posted by clevershark at 10:17 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
posted by clevershark at 10:17 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
Consider the whole weekend your "first time." That way there's less pressure on the first actual time. If you end on a high note neither of you will care if the first time wasn't so great.
posted by kindall at 10:18 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by kindall at 10:18 AM on June 23, 2005
I'll second the notion that you shouldn't expect your first time to be perfect.
posted by dial-tone at 10:22 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by dial-tone at 10:22 AM on June 23, 2005
Lower your expectations. It's nice and all, but, really, it's just sex. You won't experience a mystical union of two souls, the earth won't move, and you'll still be plain old you when you're done. This is part of not taking it too seriously -- it's good fun, not a solemn occasion. On the other hand, this doesn't mean you can't wear a top hat if you want to.
buy a tube of lube just in case the things get a bit dry
No just in case about it. If it's her first time, a gentleman will be well-lubricated. You want Astroglide or KY-Liquid. Hint: a drop -- just a drop -- goes inside the condom; this won't make it slip off (well, unless you're seriously Mr. Inch), but it'll glom it onto you better and generally promote goodness.
A gentleman keeps his weight on his hands or elbows, and off of his beloved. Girls, being weak, delicate creatures, like to breathe.
Towel for underneath.
No need, and makes it seem dirty or icky. Yes, there's a damp spot after, especially if you're using Other Than Condoms. But if you're in a hotel, there will be enough room for postcoital snuggling on the other side of the bed, and the hotel is paid to clean the sheets. As a man, it is your duty to accept the damp spot, in the same way that it is your manly duty to squish bugs.
If she's *extra* virginal -- if she's never had anything other than maybe a tampon in her -- there are exercises she might think about for *ahem* mild stretching, so that her first time is nice instead of ouchy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:24 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
buy a tube of lube just in case the things get a bit dry
No just in case about it. If it's her first time, a gentleman will be well-lubricated. You want Astroglide or KY-Liquid. Hint: a drop -- just a drop -- goes inside the condom; this won't make it slip off (well, unless you're seriously Mr. Inch), but it'll glom it onto you better and generally promote goodness.
A gentleman keeps his weight on his hands or elbows, and off of his beloved. Girls, being weak, delicate creatures, like to breathe.
Towel for underneath.
No need, and makes it seem dirty or icky. Yes, there's a damp spot after, especially if you're using Other Than Condoms. But if you're in a hotel, there will be enough room for postcoital snuggling on the other side of the bed, and the hotel is paid to clean the sheets. As a man, it is your duty to accept the damp spot, in the same way that it is your manly duty to squish bugs.
If she's *extra* virginal -- if she's never had anything other than maybe a tampon in her -- there are exercises she might think about for *ahem* mild stretching, so that her first time is nice instead of ouchy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:24 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
As everyone said, use the entire weekend. The first first time will probably be nerve-wracking, and increasing comfort definitely increases pleasure.
If you're a guy, the piece of advice I would give is use your hands on her. She's unlikely to get off from penetration alone, and I wish more men ... uh, took matters into their own hands more, even during penetration. (And I think knowing that hands are allowed takes some of the pressure off you.)
On preview: I think the towel was for blood, not ejaculate.
posted by occhiblu at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
If you're a guy, the piece of advice I would give is use your hands on her. She's unlikely to get off from penetration alone, and I wish more men ... uh, took matters into their own hands more, even during penetration. (And I think knowing that hands are allowed takes some of the pressure off you.)
On preview: I think the towel was for blood, not ejaculate.
posted by occhiblu at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
Sometimes there is blood, and sometimes there isn't any. Don't worry about it, either way. Both are normal.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by croutonsupafreak at 10:30 AM on June 23, 2005
Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to insure that SHE has some orgasms (or, if you're both women, that you BOTH do).
They offer insurance on orgasms now?
Just relax. Don't expect orgasms for the woman to happen because it might not. Getting hung up about that would be so much worse. But yes, if you're a guy, she'll probably need a lot more attention to enjoy things more.
posted by grouse at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005
They offer insurance on orgasms now?
Just relax. Don't expect orgasms for the woman to happen because it might not. Getting hung up about that would be so much worse. But yes, if you're a guy, she'll probably need a lot more attention to enjoy things more.
posted by grouse at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005
Another vote for what kindall said, and for everyone saying to have fun. It's fine to laugh at the goofy noises/faces, you'll make! Sex is meant to be enjoyable, not serious (though it can certainly be deeply affecting and profound). FFF's advice to talk/ask questions is great too.
I would like to offer a friendly amendment to tristeza's recommendation about making sure she has an orgasm, though -- I think it may be better to think of it more broadly to make sure the experience is pleasurable for her. If she's never had an orgasm before, it may be difficult for her to achieve it this first time -- please don't pressure yourselves into feeling like her orgasm is the "goal" of your lovemaking, and that anything short of making her have one means you haven't been "successful" the first time. Expressing your feelings for each other, and making each other (and yourselves!) feel good in the process is what it's all about.
Enjoy!
posted by scody at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
I would like to offer a friendly amendment to tristeza's recommendation about making sure she has an orgasm, though -- I think it may be better to think of it more broadly to make sure the experience is pleasurable for her. If she's never had an orgasm before, it may be difficult for her to achieve it this first time -- please don't pressure yourselves into feeling like her orgasm is the "goal" of your lovemaking, and that anything short of making her have one means you haven't been "successful" the first time. Expressing your feelings for each other, and making each other (and yourselves!) feel good in the process is what it's all about.
Enjoy!
posted by scody at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
Keep in mind that you can give more pleasure with your tongue than absolutely anything else.
posted by wsg at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005
posted by wsg at 10:34 AM on June 23, 2005
All good advice.
And keep in mind this is Sex 101. Keep it simple. Don't expect, or try, Kama Sutra positions. Keep some things for later on. Talk about it as you go along and only do things you're both comfortable with.
So write and tell us how it went.
posted by beagle at 10:35 AM on June 23, 2005
And keep in mind this is Sex 101. Keep it simple. Don't expect, or try, Kama Sutra positions. Keep some things for later on. Talk about it as you go along and only do things you're both comfortable with.
So write and tell us how it went.
posted by beagle at 10:35 AM on June 23, 2005
Take a shower first, preferably together. Seriously, this is important.
And don't put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. Sex is fun and the silliest thing you can do with another person, and there isn't any magical aspect to the act, so enjoy yourself and don't worry about how awkward it is.
Oh, and if your partner says "I'm not into this" or "stop" - stop doing what you're doing.
posted by cmonkey at 10:38 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
And don't put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. Sex is fun and the silliest thing you can do with another person, and there isn't any magical aspect to the act, so enjoy yourself and don't worry about how awkward it is.
Oh, and if your partner says "I'm not into this" or "stop" - stop doing what you're doing.
posted by cmonkey at 10:38 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Don't be afraid to talk while it's going on, and don't be afraid to laugh. I laughed and giggled a lot (I was also not an adult).
And definitely the bit about using the whole weekend - the first time might suck, but don't give up! But she might be really sore after the first time, so be patient.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:42 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
And definitely the bit about using the whole weekend - the first time might suck, but don't give up! But she might be really sore after the first time, so be patient.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:42 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
My advice would be to ignore this thread completely. Seriously, everyone wants to help, but if I had read this thread before my first time, it probably wouldn't have happened.
Wine? No, not the first time, unless maybe for after.
A towel underneath? No.
Blood everywhere? In the big picture, not that much, and you're in a hotel.
Really, you're adults, so common sense should suffice. Do what comes natural, because that's what it is.
And this should be a wonderful event in your life, YOUR life. Please DON'T tell us how it goes.
posted by justgary at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2005
Wine? No, not the first time, unless maybe for after.
A towel underneath? No.
Blood everywhere? In the big picture, not that much, and you're in a hotel.
Really, you're adults, so common sense should suffice. Do what comes natural, because that's what it is.
And this should be a wonderful event in your life, YOUR life. Please DON'T tell us how it goes.
posted by justgary at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2005
"If she's never had an orgasm before, it may be difficult for her to achieve it this first time"
AnecdoteFilter: A few years after my first time, I was with another virgin. By this time, my oral technique was quite good, however during our first few sessions she would stop me, saying she had to pee. Finally, I told her, "Pee away then." She came instead.
posted by mischief at 10:56 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
AnecdoteFilter: A few years after my first time, I was with another virgin. By this time, my oral technique was quite good, however during our first few sessions she would stop me, saying she had to pee. Finally, I told her, "Pee away then." She came instead.
posted by mischief at 10:56 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Please DON'T tell us how it goes.
I strongly second that.
posted by matteo at 11:06 AM on June 23, 2005
I strongly second that.
posted by matteo at 11:06 AM on June 23, 2005
and twelve hours since our last one
Mea culpa.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:19 AM on June 23, 2005
Mea culpa.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:19 AM on June 23, 2005
Yet another vote for laughter. Sex is kind of rediculous, sweaty, fun, can be goofy. It's about exploring. My advice would be to make foreplay and togetherness the focus and let things happen. There are -no- goals, you're just having fun together in whatever way suits you best. Don't involve toys or weird stuff your first time, keep it simple. Oh, and DON'T involve alcohol. Seriously. You might think it'll loosen your inhibitions, but it'll also dull your sensations.
I am of the opinion that I had two first times. The first time I had sex with a girl I'd been dating for a few months and we had both had a bottle of wine, and we both passed out while having sex. Uh, yeah. Here's a hint: It's not good if you both fall asleep while doing it. At least we fell asleep at the same time...
My second first time was amazing. A long-distance relationship had moved close and was going to school a few miles from my home, and the first night she was living up there we were making out and getting sweaty and naked, and she said, "SpecialK, *NOW*..." with that special emphasis on it. And it was amazing. But we'd also spent a *long* time working up to it ... four or five nights where we slept together, made out, oral sex, etc. before we actually had sex.
posted by SpecialK at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2005
I am of the opinion that I had two first times. The first time I had sex with a girl I'd been dating for a few months and we had both had a bottle of wine, and we both passed out while having sex. Uh, yeah. Here's a hint: It's not good if you both fall asleep while doing it. At least we fell asleep at the same time...
My second first time was amazing. A long-distance relationship had moved close and was going to school a few miles from my home, and the first night she was living up there we were making out and getting sweaty and naked, and she said, "SpecialK, *NOW*..." with that special emphasis on it. And it was amazing. But we'd also spent a *long* time working up to it ... four or five nights where we slept together, made out, oral sex, etc. before we actually had sex.
posted by SpecialK at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2005
My advice would be to ignore this thread completely... this should be a wonderful event in your life, YOUR life. Please DON'T tell us how it goes.
To be fair, he's the one who posed the question - some people like sharing this kinda stuff and some don't.
Likewise, for some, sex is silly and hilarious and for others it's deep and meaningful - or even more complicatedly, it can feel one way one time and another way in another context. And for some women, the first time is painful & bloody, and for others that sounds like a weird "old wives tale" (I didn't believe girls really bled from sex for years...).
It's worth remembering we call it sexual "intercourse" - that is, conversation. It's like having a physical conversation - depending on how you relate to each other, how well you know each other, and how many times you've talked before, different conversations will be different. Your first conversation will probably involve a lot of 'getting to know you' type of stuff, but really, you never know where it's gonna go, and you can't really plan for it, either. Like your first verbal conversation, you figure it out along the way, and that's a good thing (much more interesting than memorizing lines to play back at appropriate times).
posted by mdn at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2005
To be fair, he's the one who posed the question - some people like sharing this kinda stuff and some don't.
Likewise, for some, sex is silly and hilarious and for others it's deep and meaningful - or even more complicatedly, it can feel one way one time and another way in another context. And for some women, the first time is painful & bloody, and for others that sounds like a weird "old wives tale" (I didn't believe girls really bled from sex for years...).
It's worth remembering we call it sexual "intercourse" - that is, conversation. It's like having a physical conversation - depending on how you relate to each other, how well you know each other, and how many times you've talked before, different conversations will be different. Your first conversation will probably involve a lot of 'getting to know you' type of stuff, but really, you never know where it's gonna go, and you can't really plan for it, either. Like your first verbal conversation, you figure it out along the way, and that's a good thing (much more interesting than memorizing lines to play back at appropriate times).
posted by mdn at 11:25 AM on June 23, 2005
A drink or two...not so much that you're sh***y drunk.
You want/need to take the edge off and not be so much inside your own heads. Realistcally, you're both not going to orgasm at the same time, so don't punish yourself.
posted by filmgeek at 11:26 AM on June 23, 2005
You want/need to take the edge off and not be so much inside your own heads. Realistcally, you're both not going to orgasm at the same time, so don't punish yourself.
posted by filmgeek at 11:26 AM on June 23, 2005
Sounds like you got some real good advice. Just add me to the column of: Don't worry about the "first time." If it ain't so great, you'll have the chance to improve an hour later.
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" was never more apt.
posted by pardonyou? at 11:35 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" was never more apt.
posted by pardonyou? at 11:35 AM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
Relax. Seriously. The world won't end if one or both of you doesn't get off the first time. It can be disappointing, true, but it isn't something to freak out about.
I'll second what many others have said: enjoy yourself. Have fun. Laugh at the goofy noises and the funny faces. Feel free to explore each other (and yourselves) while doing it, because foreplay is awesome. Above all, though, talk to each other, before and after (and during, if you can manage it - some people hate talking during sex, others don't). Be prepared to witness some personality changes on the part of your partner and yourself; some people act differently while having sex.
Trust your instincts, but listen to what the other person has to say, too. If s/he says don't, then don't. If s/he says do, then do (unless you don't want to).
And above all, have fun!
posted by staresbynight at 12:05 PM on June 23, 2005
I'll second what many others have said: enjoy yourself. Have fun. Laugh at the goofy noises and the funny faces. Feel free to explore each other (and yourselves) while doing it, because foreplay is awesome. Above all, though, talk to each other, before and after (and during, if you can manage it - some people hate talking during sex, others don't). Be prepared to witness some personality changes on the part of your partner and yourself; some people act differently while having sex.
Trust your instincts, but listen to what the other person has to say, too. If s/he says don't, then don't. If s/he says do, then do (unless you don't want to).
And above all, have fun!
posted by staresbynight at 12:05 PM on June 23, 2005
What do you wish had been different about your first time?
That the girl hadn't been somebody else's girlfriend. I'm not kidding.
I think it's kind of cool that both of you are virgins. It's like you're starting a wonderful journey together. And it adds some equality to the relationship. Good luck, and have fun.
posted by jonmc at 12:24 PM on June 23, 2005
That the girl hadn't been somebody else's girlfriend. I'm not kidding.
I think it's kind of cool that both of you are virgins. It's like you're starting a wonderful journey together. And it adds some equality to the relationship. Good luck, and have fun.
posted by jonmc at 12:24 PM on June 23, 2005
Most of us don't have a natural understanding of how sex organs (and other fun body-parts) work. But we think we do. We don't know how our own parts work, and we really don't know how the other gender's parts work. And once we find out, we may be surprised to find that our specific playmate's parts don't work exactly like the "norm."
So my advice is to GET INFORMED. You may be able to do that purely through conversation and experimentation. But there are tons of guidebooks (plus DVDs, websites, etc.) out there to help you. Learning sex from a book may seem dry and unfun, but you can always giggle over the book together.
DON'T learn sex from porn. Porn is fantasy. Porn is about good camera angles. It's not about what actually feels good.
Here's one book that -- as a hetero male -- I thought was really good: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
posted by grumblebee at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2005
So my advice is to GET INFORMED. You may be able to do that purely through conversation and experimentation. But there are tons of guidebooks (plus DVDs, websites, etc.) out there to help you. Learning sex from a book may seem dry and unfun, but you can always giggle over the book together.
DON'T learn sex from porn. Porn is fantasy. Porn is about good camera angles. It's not about what actually feels good.
Here's one book that -- as a hetero male -- I thought was really good: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
posted by grumblebee at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2005
Fuck lube, use saliva (yours)...
and go down on her, especially if you're a guy on the verge of coming. Stay down on her. Read what she likes.
I was going to link to the Vice Guides to Eating Pussy and Sucking Dicks, but they're only in the book now. It's a funny read and surprisingly helpful guide from a notoriously questionable source.
Happy doing it!
posted by hellbient at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
and go down on her, especially if you're a guy on the verge of coming. Stay down on her. Read what she likes.
I was going to link to the Vice Guides to Eating Pussy and Sucking Dicks, but they're only in the book now. It's a funny read and surprisingly helpful guide from a notoriously questionable source.
Happy doing it!
posted by hellbient at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
While it's a good idea to check whether the other person likes what you're doing (understatement of the thread), don't ruin the mood by asking too many questions, to the point of distraction.
posted by me3dia at 12:43 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by me3dia at 12:43 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
I have never found saliva to be that good a lubricant. Maybe one of those deep-down lung-clearing hockers, but I would never try that in real life.
posted by mischief at 12:44 PM on June 23, 2005
posted by mischief at 12:44 PM on June 23, 2005
What do you wish had been different about your first time?
I wish he were big enough/lasted long enough that the hymen broke the first time so that the second time I didn't get completely confused when I felt the "pop" and saw the trickle of blood in the bathtub.
If she's still got her hymen, don't get too freaked out about the prospect of blood. There wasn't a lot. It stung, but wasn't a searing pain.
If she's tense (musclewise), don't force it. Kiss some more, look in her eyes, touch her. You'll get there eventually.
Lube is ok. Foreplay is better. Kissing, being romantic, being loving, not rushing to "get it over with" or "get to the sex part already" is always the best.
posted by Gucky at 12:57 PM on June 23, 2005 [3 favorites]
I wish he were big enough/lasted long enough that the hymen broke the first time so that the second time I didn't get completely confused when I felt the "pop" and saw the trickle of blood in the bathtub.
If she's still got her hymen, don't get too freaked out about the prospect of blood. There wasn't a lot. It stung, but wasn't a searing pain.
If she's tense (musclewise), don't force it. Kiss some more, look in her eyes, touch her. You'll get there eventually.
Lube is ok. Foreplay is better. Kissing, being romantic, being loving, not rushing to "get it over with" or "get to the sex part already" is always the best.
posted by Gucky at 12:57 PM on June 23, 2005 [3 favorites]
Don't do it on a beach. My first time was on a deserted beach in the middle of the night under a full moon which sounds incredibly romantic until you realize that the biggest, thickest blanket in the world will not keep sand out of sensitive places.
So, yeah, that. Otherwise, just relax and have fun.
posted by LeeJay at 12:58 PM on June 23, 2005
So, yeah, that. Otherwise, just relax and have fun.
posted by LeeJay at 12:58 PM on June 23, 2005
you shouldn't need a lubricant at all really...just for the initial entry, after that, things should be pretty slippery, provided you gotten her worked up enough (Again, assuming this is a guy-to-girl thing).
Personally, there's something gross, intimidating and unspontaneous about having a tube-o-lube at your disposal. Saliva is a great, portable lube, any porn star will tell you...
posted by hellbient at 1:04 PM on June 23, 2005
Personally, there's something gross, intimidating and unspontaneous about having a tube-o-lube at your disposal. Saliva is a great, portable lube, any porn star will tell you...
posted by hellbient at 1:04 PM on June 23, 2005
Personally, there's something gross, intimidating and unspontaneous about having a tube-o-lube at your disposal. Saliva is a great, portable lube, any porn star will tell you...
well, this is just more evidence that everyone's gonna have their own style - absolutely no reason that using lube, condoms, toys, videos, or any other extras should be a problem. Again, it has a lot to do with the kind of mood you're going for - if you're playful, funny, & personal, you will talk & laugh & use things that can enhance the experience. If you're sincere and romantic, you might turn off the lights and not speak and prefer to avoid fiddling with stuff. But neither approach is "better" - it is a question of achieving the kind of interchange that is enjoyable to you.
Personally, I think intimacy is more real when you're fully open & comfortable, and this means I think the former approach can be incredibly romantic just because you feel so close to someone, whereas the latter can seem like two people trying to live up to their own private fantasy... but I have fears of solipsism etc, so I'm prone to worry the connection is "all in my head" unless it's spoken of and pointed out. If you're more of a believer, you may not need to make it explicit like that :)
posted by mdn at 1:34 PM on June 23, 2005
well, this is just more evidence that everyone's gonna have their own style - absolutely no reason that using lube, condoms, toys, videos, or any other extras should be a problem. Again, it has a lot to do with the kind of mood you're going for - if you're playful, funny, & personal, you will talk & laugh & use things that can enhance the experience. If you're sincere and romantic, you might turn off the lights and not speak and prefer to avoid fiddling with stuff. But neither approach is "better" - it is a question of achieving the kind of interchange that is enjoyable to you.
Personally, I think intimacy is more real when you're fully open & comfortable, and this means I think the former approach can be incredibly romantic just because you feel so close to someone, whereas the latter can seem like two people trying to live up to their own private fantasy... but I have fears of solipsism etc, so I'm prone to worry the connection is "all in my head" unless it's spoken of and pointed out. If you're more of a believer, you may not need to make it explicit like that :)
posted by mdn at 1:34 PM on June 23, 2005
Ignore hellbient, and bring some KY Liquid. Almost everything that can go wrong or be awkward during sex goes more smoothly with lube. And Pepsi Blue KY Liquid is super-slick, never sticky, washes away with water, and actually smells and tastes pretty good.
("Unspontaneous"?! They've scheduled a weekend vacation specifically to have hot hotel sex, and packing a bottle of lube would make it unspontaneous? Sheesh.)
posted by nicwolff at 1:39 PM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
("Unspontaneous"?! They've scheduled a weekend vacation specifically to have hot hotel sex, and packing a bottle of lube would make it unspontaneous? Sheesh.)
posted by nicwolff at 1:39 PM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
hellbient writes "use saliva (yours)..."
Nothing says "I care about you" more than "I couldn't be bothered to shell out the $5 for a bottle of KY Liquid".
Seriously, saliva as lube is revoltingly disgusting, and it kinda kills the point of using a condom in the first place.
posted by clevershark at 1:44 PM on June 23, 2005
Nothing says "I care about you" more than "I couldn't be bothered to shell out the $5 for a bottle of KY Liquid".
Seriously, saliva as lube is revoltingly disgusting, and it kinda kills the point of using a condom in the first place.
posted by clevershark at 1:44 PM on June 23, 2005
there's lots of good advice here...i would say lube is a good idea. not everyone needs it, but it certainly won't hurt to bring it along.
i agree with rou_xenophobe...sex is not going to change who you are, and the first time doesn't have to be a life-altering experience. don't expect greatness, but work at it enough so that it won't be horrible. (see just about every other comment made for help on that!) then work at it some more and have fun. :)
the only thing i would have changed is that i would have been more prepared. we were just using condoms and i got very worried about pregnancy initially (for no real reason except that i am paranoid!). is she thinking about other forms of birth control besides condoms? it's a really good idea to get these things sorted out beforehand. remember, you can never be too prepared! (for that part of sex anyway...as for the rest of it, leave some room room for spontaneity.)
posted by jetskiaccidents at 1:45 PM on June 23, 2005
i agree with rou_xenophobe...sex is not going to change who you are, and the first time doesn't have to be a life-altering experience. don't expect greatness, but work at it enough so that it won't be horrible. (see just about every other comment made for help on that!) then work at it some more and have fun. :)
the only thing i would have changed is that i would have been more prepared. we were just using condoms and i got very worried about pregnancy initially (for no real reason except that i am paranoid!). is she thinking about other forms of birth control besides condoms? it's a really good idea to get these things sorted out beforehand. remember, you can never be too prepared! (for that part of sex anyway...as for the rest of it, leave some room room for spontaneity.)
posted by jetskiaccidents at 1:45 PM on June 23, 2005
I suggested the lube because in my experience the lube on rubbers sometimes doesn't last much longer than 5 minutes.
posted by mischief at 2:17 PM on June 23, 2005
posted by mischief at 2:17 PM on June 23, 2005
A drink or two...not so much that you're sh***y drunk.
Not sure I agree with this one. Alcohol can have an adverse effect on the ability to achieve/maintain an erection. Stay away from the booze, lest you have to tell her "Sorry honey, but the pump won't work 'cause the vandal took the handle."
posted by the_bone at 2:40 PM on June 23, 2005
Not sure I agree with this one. Alcohol can have an adverse effect on the ability to achieve/maintain an erection. Stay away from the booze, lest you have to tell her "Sorry honey, but the pump won't work 'cause the vandal took the handle."
posted by the_bone at 2:40 PM on June 23, 2005
It'd be a good idea to back the rubbers up with some foam.
I reiterate the bit about having her on top to break her own hymen. Unless a passle of AskMe women disagree with me, I figure it's gotta be better that way.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:04 PM on June 23, 2005
I reiterate the bit about having her on top to break her own hymen. Unless a passle of AskMe women disagree with me, I figure it's gotta be better that way.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:04 PM on June 23, 2005
Foreplay. Communication is key. Don't be too cool for lube.
Re: hellbient: Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
posted by fourstar at 3:06 PM on June 23, 2005
Re: hellbient: Vice Guide to Eating Pussy
posted by fourstar at 3:06 PM on June 23, 2005
Unless a passle of AskMe women disagree with me, I figure it's gotta be better that way.
One-time only event. It's unlikely we'll be able to provide first-hand comparisons...
posted by occhiblu at 3:09 PM on June 23, 2005
One-time only event. It's unlikely we'll be able to provide first-hand comparisons...
posted by occhiblu at 3:09 PM on June 23, 2005
what do you wish had been different
Wished we had waited a day, instead of doing it after a long day of ceremonies, receptions, etc. and taken our time. Wished I had known *anything* about sex, and wished that I had known more about how to help her achieve orgasm using means other than the pe-nis. Wish'd I had this thread 11 years ago. Oh yeah, get married first so it's harder for her to break up with you in case it's not that great...
posted by craniac at 3:22 PM on June 23, 2005
Wished we had waited a day, instead of doing it after a long day of ceremonies, receptions, etc. and taken our time. Wished I had known *anything* about sex, and wished that I had known more about how to help her achieve orgasm using means other than the pe-nis. Wish'd I had this thread 11 years ago. Oh yeah, get married first so it's harder for her to break up with you in case it's not that great...
posted by craniac at 3:22 PM on June 23, 2005
Try on your condoms alone before this weekend. This helps in a couple of ways: You ensure you have some that aren't too tight or too loose (either way and you're unsafe, and ultimately, unfucked) and this way you won't fumble with it for ten minutes while she gets bored and loses interest.
That, and what everyone else said. Good luck and have fun.
posted by Ufez Jones at 3:37 PM on June 23, 2005
That, and what everyone else said. Good luck and have fun.
posted by Ufez Jones at 3:37 PM on June 23, 2005
wow, i didn't think this would start a big lube debate...and I did use the word "personally".
packing a bottle of lube would make it unspontaneous?
no, not packing it, (packing by definition is an unspontaneous act) using it in a spontaneous moment could. IMO. I was speaking more generally. You're gonna bring your lube with you on that midnight walk on the beach?
saliva as lube is revoltingly disgusting
What do you think people used before KY created the "need" for lube (unless we're talking anal sex)? Jesus, I'm not talking green gobs or huge handfuls here...all you need is a little to get things going. Women provide natural lube anyway, if that's not flowing, you've got more work to do.
But hey, use lube if you want...and sorry anon that this got bogged down in spit and lube.
and thanks fourstar.
posted by hellbient at 4:05 PM on June 23, 2005
packing a bottle of lube would make it unspontaneous?
no, not packing it, (packing by definition is an unspontaneous act) using it in a spontaneous moment could. IMO. I was speaking more generally. You're gonna bring your lube with you on that midnight walk on the beach?
saliva as lube is revoltingly disgusting
What do you think people used before KY created the "need" for lube (unless we're talking anal sex)? Jesus, I'm not talking green gobs or huge handfuls here...all you need is a little to get things going. Women provide natural lube anyway, if that's not flowing, you've got more work to do.
But hey, use lube if you want...and sorry anon that this got bogged down in spit and lube.
and thanks fourstar.
posted by hellbient at 4:05 PM on June 23, 2005
lube (especially if wearing a rubber proves more of a problem than you anticipated--some lube helps a lot), lots of making out, and the ability to laugh and not get stressed out if things aren't movie perfect/effortless.
posted by ifjuly at 4:26 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ifjuly at 4:26 PM on June 23, 2005 [1 favorite]
also, i am smitten with grumblebee's response. don't freak out when you find out real sex isn't like porn or r rated movie scenes...those are about visual access, not the way individual, real bodies actually feel and respond. bravo.
and i'm with those defending lube, now that i read further...when condoms are part of it, lube can make or break the situation. yes, even if she's frisky. duh.
also supporting the notion you should make sure the condoms work for you...it's not as easy, intuitive, or obvious as people make it out to be to stay functional with one on. it takes being well acquainted and yes (i know i keep saying it) often lube.
posted by ifjuly at 4:34 PM on June 23, 2005
and i'm with those defending lube, now that i read further...when condoms are part of it, lube can make or break the situation. yes, even if she's frisky. duh.
also supporting the notion you should make sure the condoms work for you...it's not as easy, intuitive, or obvious as people make it out to be to stay functional with one on. it takes being well acquainted and yes (i know i keep saying it) often lube.
posted by ifjuly at 4:34 PM on June 23, 2005
Any advice for making it great?
I may get shot down for being a bit of a romantic here, but being in love certainly helps.
And don't come on her face.
posted by VulcanMike at 5:20 PM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
I may get shot down for being a bit of a romantic here, but being in love certainly helps.
And don't come on her face.
posted by VulcanMike at 5:20 PM on June 23, 2005 [2 favorites]
Vaseline and many moisturizers also break down condoms and make them less effective. Vaseline = bad.
posted by occhiblu at 6:03 PM on June 23, 2005
posted by occhiblu at 6:03 PM on June 23, 2005
Eat, and then eat her some more.
Also, "Have fun storming the castle!" by Eideteker is very, very funny.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:23 PM on June 23, 2005
Also, "Have fun storming the castle!" by Eideteker is very, very funny.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:23 PM on June 23, 2005
Usually it's extremely painful for a woman to have her nipples bitten. She probably won't know yet if she's a rare exception, so at the very least go easy on that.
posted by orange swan at 6:41 PM on June 23, 2005
posted by orange swan at 6:41 PM on June 23, 2005
Make sure you know how to keep the condom on while you're doing it. Nothing kills romantic feelings faster than suddenly realizing it slipped off and she might get pregnant.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to learn a bit about various positions. Sometimes people who are new to sex are shy about trying different ones, but they can add a lot to the pleasure.
I would add toys of all sorts and backside fun, but -- one step at a time. Those are for later, when you're not totally over the top excited just by doing it at all, like you are now.
posted by Maudie at 7:54 PM on June 23, 2005
Also, it wouldn't hurt to learn a bit about various positions. Sometimes people who are new to sex are shy about trying different ones, but they can add a lot to the pleasure.
I would add toys of all sorts and backside fun, but -- one step at a time. Those are for later, when you're not totally over the top excited just by doing it at all, like you are now.
posted by Maudie at 7:54 PM on June 23, 2005
Just stating the obvious, but oral sex is an easy way to spread diseases. Probably not a problem in your situation, but something to be aware of.
posted by malp at 6:50 PM on June 24, 2005
posted by malp at 6:50 PM on June 24, 2005
yeah, orange swan has a point--unless she's warmed up and seems into it, don't assume she wants her nipples bitten or tweaked like radio dials. ouch. lotsa chicks like teasing and you being gentle enough at first that SHE ends up being the one attacking YOU. there's little as wonderful as a(n eventually gratified) teasing session.
posted by ifjuly at 6:58 PM on June 24, 2005
posted by ifjuly at 6:58 PM on June 24, 2005
Since it's your first time with a condom, you might take that extra minute beforehand to figure out which way it rolls on when you take it out of the package, and then make some way to identify that side of the package in the dark. Just so you don't have to fumble.
posted by nicwolff at 12:10 AM on June 25, 2005
posted by nicwolff at 12:10 AM on June 25, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by COBRA! at 9:07 AM on June 23, 2005