Schroedinger's Deployment.
December 5, 2011 10:58 AM Subscribe
How can I maintain my composure and sanity in the face of not knowing whether or not my boyfriend is deploying?
I don't want to be too specific about whens and wheres and such, because I don't want this to reflect negatively in any way on my boyfriend.
I am dating a soldier in the reserves (I'm a woman, my boyfriend's a man, we're in our mid-to-late twenties). Initially, he was scheduled to deploy with Unit X to do a dangerous job in a sandy place. (This would be his first deployment.) Then, he was told that he didn't have enough time left in his contract to deploy with Unit X and so he wasn't deploying and was being transferred to Unit Y. Last week, he was told that he was being transferred back to Unit X and deploying with them anyway, due to exploitation of some contractual loophole or other. Today, he talked to the unit administrator and was told that "for now, he is not deploying" and that he is to continue drilling with Unit Y.
I want to be happy that my boyfriend isn't deploying, but I don't believe it anymore. The first time we were told that he wasn't deploying, we were all ecstatically happy -- it made it so much worse to be told "Hey, he's going over there anyway!" I don't think I can deal with the constant turmoil of is-he-or-isn't-he for too many more iterations. Right now I feel like a numb, hollow robot, and I don't want to allow myself to get my hopes up again only to be crushed later. More importantly, I want to be able to support my boyfriend -- I want to seem happy at what should be great news, and if he does have to deploy, I want to be a source of support and strength for him and not someone for him to worry about -- as awful as this is for me, it's much worse for him.
I need ideas for how to maintain my sanity until a plane full of soldiers leaves, either with or without my boyfriend on it, without really being able to know whether or not he will be on that plane. I also need to figure out how to plan for the future (including the expiration of my lease, which will happen on the same day as my boyfriend is scheduled to deploy) -- my worst nightmare is that we will continue to believe that he isn't deploying and then suddenly he'll be shipped off with next to no notice, leaving me completely screwed. I am finding it hard to deal well with this level of uncertainty, but I know many people are more used to it than I am and I'm hoping someone has some advice for me.
I don't want to be too specific about whens and wheres and such, because I don't want this to reflect negatively in any way on my boyfriend.
I am dating a soldier in the reserves (I'm a woman, my boyfriend's a man, we're in our mid-to-late twenties). Initially, he was scheduled to deploy with Unit X to do a dangerous job in a sandy place. (This would be his first deployment.) Then, he was told that he didn't have enough time left in his contract to deploy with Unit X and so he wasn't deploying and was being transferred to Unit Y. Last week, he was told that he was being transferred back to Unit X and deploying with them anyway, due to exploitation of some contractual loophole or other. Today, he talked to the unit administrator and was told that "for now, he is not deploying" and that he is to continue drilling with Unit Y.
I want to be happy that my boyfriend isn't deploying, but I don't believe it anymore. The first time we were told that he wasn't deploying, we were all ecstatically happy -- it made it so much worse to be told "Hey, he's going over there anyway!" I don't think I can deal with the constant turmoil of is-he-or-isn't-he for too many more iterations. Right now I feel like a numb, hollow robot, and I don't want to allow myself to get my hopes up again only to be crushed later. More importantly, I want to be able to support my boyfriend -- I want to seem happy at what should be great news, and if he does have to deploy, I want to be a source of support and strength for him and not someone for him to worry about -- as awful as this is for me, it's much worse for him.
I need ideas for how to maintain my sanity until a plane full of soldiers leaves, either with or without my boyfriend on it, without really being able to know whether or not he will be on that plane. I also need to figure out how to plan for the future (including the expiration of my lease, which will happen on the same day as my boyfriend is scheduled to deploy) -- my worst nightmare is that we will continue to believe that he isn't deploying and then suddenly he'll be shipped off with next to no notice, leaving me completely screwed. I am finding it hard to deal well with this level of uncertainty, but I know many people are more used to it than I am and I'm hoping someone has some advice for me.
Best answer: When I was in the National Guard and I was the least bit worried about any training or any deployment, I just thought of the huge number of people who had been in this situation before and were able to sort it out. Certainly I was as capable as most at handling the stress and anything I perceived as unique to my situation probably wasn't as bad/unique/horrible/whatever as many others in the millions of folks who had been in the same position.
And if you are worried about being "completely screwed" if he deploys, plan with the assumption he will. Have the talk and make a decision to move into his place or to re-sign elsewhere. Hire movers if you don't think you can do the move without the boyfriend. Make that decision now and it won't be a problem.
There is a huge spousal/family support component of every unit's deployment that your bf should be able to get you info about. Heck, you could probably start doing some volunteering with a group supporting the families of those already deployed and that will give you a better perspective on things.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:56 AM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
And if you are worried about being "completely screwed" if he deploys, plan with the assumption he will. Have the talk and make a decision to move into his place or to re-sign elsewhere. Hire movers if you don't think you can do the move without the boyfriend. Make that decision now and it won't be a problem.
There is a huge spousal/family support component of every unit's deployment that your bf should be able to get you info about. Heck, you could probably start doing some volunteering with a group supporting the families of those already deployed and that will give you a better perspective on things.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:56 AM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
My brother was Navy.
I think the way most spouses and familymembers deal with this is by banding and bonding together, so you aren't facing it alone. If you're near any type of base there are probably support groups and things that take place. It's probably a lot harder being in the reserves, especially in a remote area, but there are almost certainly still networks of veterans organizations that will at least provide informal connection and support.
I've read about the same sorts of pressures on astronaut spouses and families, and the whole corps pretty much living in Houston and knowing each other means that the ones who've been through it and aren't dealing with it right now tend to help the ones who are. You need to tap into that.
posted by dhartung at 12:15 PM on December 5, 2011
I think the way most spouses and familymembers deal with this is by banding and bonding together, so you aren't facing it alone. If you're near any type of base there are probably support groups and things that take place. It's probably a lot harder being in the reserves, especially in a remote area, but there are almost certainly still networks of veterans organizations that will at least provide informal connection and support.
I've read about the same sorts of pressures on astronaut spouses and families, and the whole corps pretty much living in Houston and knowing each other means that the ones who've been through it and aren't dealing with it right now tend to help the ones who are. You need to tap into that.
posted by dhartung at 12:15 PM on December 5, 2011
Best answer: My husband is in the National Guard. Whether it's training or deployment, I've learned to never count on any activation until he has his bags packed. When he was in basic, every letter he sent had a different date for when he would return home, sometimes earlier, sometimes later than his initial date. In the intervening 10 years, every activation--whether it's a week or a year--has been similarly plagued with scheduling issues, with regular changes in deployment dates, returns, and all the rest. Sometimes I find this reassuring since we have the most up-to-date information on deployment rather than a two-week notice in which we have to scramble to get ready and say goodbye.
For me this means that I live with him in the present. If activation is completely out of my hands, it's as far from my mind as possible. I focus on dinner tonight, hiking this weekend, yard work together, whatever is going on. Living your life like it has an expiration date makes the whole thing harder to swallow, and the last thing you want to do is let your own worries impede on the relationship leading up to a possible deployment. It might be in your best interest to proceed as if he is leaving. Make a plan for your housing that counts on him being deployed, this way if he isn't deployed, then hooray! You have a happy problem rather than "leaving you completely screwed."
I also wonder how he is feeling about all this. Is he nervous? Is he as stressed out by all the changes in schedule as you are? The time leading up to my husband's first deployment was incredibly stressful for him in ways that I did not realize. Looking back I wish that I had spent less time fretting and more time enjoying what we had that was good.
If it comes to be that he is on that plane heading for the sandy place, it's time to set long-term goals for yourself while he is away. Write one physical letter a week. One package a month. I signed up for a 5k, then a half marathon. I went back to school, I fostered dogs. The best thing that you can do for him while he is away is to take care of yourself so that he never has to worry about the both of you.
No matter what happens, life goes on and you will figure it out, you'll get through it, and his return will be one of the sweetest moments you'll get to experience. MeMail me if you need anything at all.
posted by rinosaur at 12:35 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
For me this means that I live with him in the present. If activation is completely out of my hands, it's as far from my mind as possible. I focus on dinner tonight, hiking this weekend, yard work together, whatever is going on. Living your life like it has an expiration date makes the whole thing harder to swallow, and the last thing you want to do is let your own worries impede on the relationship leading up to a possible deployment. It might be in your best interest to proceed as if he is leaving. Make a plan for your housing that counts on him being deployed, this way if he isn't deployed, then hooray! You have a happy problem rather than "leaving you completely screwed."
I also wonder how he is feeling about all this. Is he nervous? Is he as stressed out by all the changes in schedule as you are? The time leading up to my husband's first deployment was incredibly stressful for him in ways that I did not realize. Looking back I wish that I had spent less time fretting and more time enjoying what we had that was good.
If it comes to be that he is on that plane heading for the sandy place, it's time to set long-term goals for yourself while he is away. Write one physical letter a week. One package a month. I signed up for a 5k, then a half marathon. I went back to school, I fostered dogs. The best thing that you can do for him while he is away is to take care of yourself so that he never has to worry about the both of you.
No matter what happens, life goes on and you will figure it out, you'll get through it, and his return will be one of the sweetest moments you'll get to experience. MeMail me if you need anything at all.
posted by rinosaur at 12:35 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Adorap has it, you want to talk to the Family Resource Group. In his drill letter there should be a blurb telling you who is in charge of the FRG. The FRG isn't just for spouses, it's also for girlfriends and moms and aunts who just love their little soldier (no seriously, we have the cutest, most doting little Aunt that knits at our meetings I love her!). The FRG is generally run by an Officers wife and will have the most up to date information. Right now they're doing a lot of predeployment planning including helping to arrange paperwork (power or attorney etc.), helping moms find childcare, and even helping people who know they're moving while their soldier is gone. They rally trucks and strong backs and really get stuff done, it's wonderful. In addition to temporal help, it's also a great emotional support community, so take advantage of it, he's probably not the only one going through weird pre-deployment paperwork and they can help you come to terms, and find answers. If you'd like to know anything else let me know, my husband is NG and his unit has deployed and is going again in the next year.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 4:03 PM on December 5, 2011
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 4:03 PM on December 5, 2011
Best answer: First, thank you to both of you for your sacrifices. Secondly, welcome to military life!
Contact your FRG. Some are awesome, some are . . . not. It took me quite a bit to figure out who was in charge of mine and how to contact them, so keep harassing people until you figure it out. Mine has yet to be useful, but I visited a friend's and found it very helpful. Most of the websites they gave me are my branch specific, but Military Once Source might be of help to you. They have counseling options that you can find under 'Military Life and Deployment'.
Things change constantly for the military, I find it's best to live one day at a time, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. Orders and deployments change. Once he's deployed, you can receive mixed reports on when he'll return home! I used to be a type A kind of person where everything had to be planned in advance, but you can't do that with the military, and you can't let what-ifs wear you down.
Plan as if he's deploying and help him with all that needs to be done. Focus on the small little things you can do to make this deployment a smooth one. I find that once I break it down into manageable parts, it's much easier to deal with the big, nervous uncertainty that is deployment.
I'm married, so my list is probably different than yours, but among other things, I've helped him with Power of Attorney, his will, his packing list (I searched in mefi and other websites for suggestions), organizing an email list to keep his friends and family members updated, and researched equipment for him to bring to make sure communication between us remains smooth. I've ordered an external harddrive and I'm already filling it with books, movies, tv shows, music, video games, etc for him to enjoy while he's gone. You can buy old dvds/video games for very little money and sometimes the older stuff is traded around more because no one else has a copy of it.
The dangerous job may not end up being very dangerous at all. My uncle, when he first signed on to the military, picked the most dangerous one. He's been in nearly 30 years now and has seen a lot of stuff, but has never had a single injury. Focus more on the things you can do to help him remain healthy, including reducing his chances of PTSD. In addition to getting him a copy of tetris, make sure that you write him letters and emails often while he is deployed (for some reason, this works better than calls and webcam chats). You can start writing those letters now. I also like to print out pictures of all sorts of silly things to send my husband when he's away. You can start planning something to make him smile overseas, like downloading pictures of cats for a weekly caturday pic.
Also, studies show that events make us happier than objects in part because the planning for them and expectation of them lasts longer. Pick something special that the two of you will do once he returns from his deployment and start planning for it. If he doesn't deploy, it can be a non-deployment celebration!
The biggest thing you can do right now is to focus on your relationship and the time you have with him. Give him lots of good memories.
If you want to memail me your specific branch, I can link you to some more resources.
posted by avagoyle at 1:41 PM on December 6, 2011
Contact your FRG. Some are awesome, some are . . . not. It took me quite a bit to figure out who was in charge of mine and how to contact them, so keep harassing people until you figure it out. Mine has yet to be useful, but I visited a friend's and found it very helpful. Most of the websites they gave me are my branch specific, but Military Once Source might be of help to you. They have counseling options that you can find under 'Military Life and Deployment'.
Things change constantly for the military, I find it's best to live one day at a time, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. Orders and deployments change. Once he's deployed, you can receive mixed reports on when he'll return home! I used to be a type A kind of person where everything had to be planned in advance, but you can't do that with the military, and you can't let what-ifs wear you down.
Plan as if he's deploying and help him with all that needs to be done. Focus on the small little things you can do to make this deployment a smooth one. I find that once I break it down into manageable parts, it's much easier to deal with the big, nervous uncertainty that is deployment.
I'm married, so my list is probably different than yours, but among other things, I've helped him with Power of Attorney, his will, his packing list (I searched in mefi and other websites for suggestions), organizing an email list to keep his friends and family members updated, and researched equipment for him to bring to make sure communication between us remains smooth. I've ordered an external harddrive and I'm already filling it with books, movies, tv shows, music, video games, etc for him to enjoy while he's gone. You can buy old dvds/video games for very little money and sometimes the older stuff is traded around more because no one else has a copy of it.
The dangerous job may not end up being very dangerous at all. My uncle, when he first signed on to the military, picked the most dangerous one. He's been in nearly 30 years now and has seen a lot of stuff, but has never had a single injury. Focus more on the things you can do to help him remain healthy, including reducing his chances of PTSD. In addition to getting him a copy of tetris, make sure that you write him letters and emails often while he is deployed (for some reason, this works better than calls and webcam chats). You can start writing those letters now. I also like to print out pictures of all sorts of silly things to send my husband when he's away. You can start planning something to make him smile overseas, like downloading pictures of cats for a weekly caturday pic.
Also, studies show that events make us happier than objects in part because the planning for them and expectation of them lasts longer. Pick something special that the two of you will do once he returns from his deployment and start planning for it. If he doesn't deploy, it can be a non-deployment celebration!
The biggest thing you can do right now is to focus on your relationship and the time you have with him. Give him lots of good memories.
If you want to memail me your specific branch, I can link you to some more resources.
posted by avagoyle at 1:41 PM on December 6, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your excellent answers. I knew I'd get good feedback from the MeFi world :)
I think that part of what's been stressing me is the fact that I can't control anything about this situation (I'm one of those Type A type people), so I am working on learning to live with the fact that I can't affect anything regarding sorting out the weird bureaucratic snafus and entanglements. Right now it looks a lot more like he won't get deployed than that he will -- part of it is that he's been getting traded back and forth between Unit X and Unit Y like a Ping-Pong ball, and that there seems to be paperwork lags between the two units.
But I am taking all your advice very much to heart, and I will make sure I can get involved with all the family resource group stuff that I can :) It is a little hard to plan as if he is deploying, because it hurts his feelings to see me making plans as if he isn't going to be around. But we communicate well with each other, and he understands that I very much do NOT want him to deploy and that this is just the most sane way to plan for our futures. So right now I am optimistic and I think everything will turn out OK, even if he gets deployed.
posted by kataclysm at 8:00 AM on December 7, 2011
I think that part of what's been stressing me is the fact that I can't control anything about this situation (I'm one of those Type A type people), so I am working on learning to live with the fact that I can't affect anything regarding sorting out the weird bureaucratic snafus and entanglements. Right now it looks a lot more like he won't get deployed than that he will -- part of it is that he's been getting traded back and forth between Unit X and Unit Y like a Ping-Pong ball, and that there seems to be paperwork lags between the two units.
But I am taking all your advice very much to heart, and I will make sure I can get involved with all the family resource group stuff that I can :) It is a little hard to plan as if he is deploying, because it hurts his feelings to see me making plans as if he isn't going to be around. But we communicate well with each other, and he understands that I very much do NOT want him to deploy and that this is just the most sane way to plan for our futures. So right now I am optimistic and I think everything will turn out OK, even if he gets deployed.
posted by kataclysm at 8:00 AM on December 7, 2011
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posted by Ironmouth at 11:21 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]