More than just a "friend"
December 5, 2011 9:09 AM   Subscribe

I am in a relationship that makes me happier than I've ever been, but there is one thing that bothers me - my significant other introduces me to new people as his "friend" and I don't like it. Help me brainstorm a way around introductions that will satisfy us both.

A little background: my SO and I met over a year ago with absolutely no intention of getting involved. We were both separated but still legally married, and neither of us were looking for a serious relationship at all. We met solely to have a one-night-stand, but had so much fun and enjoyed each other's company so much that we just kept seeing each other more and more and never stopped.

Fast forward to now, and we are a couple in every way. Our divorces are final, and now we live in the same apartment building, and practically live together. We include each other in all of our plans, attend social functions and holidays together, and have met each other's friends and family, including his 10 year old daughter, whom I've gotten to be very close to. So he is no way hiding our relationship from anyone - he's very affectionate with me in public, and all of the important people in our lives know we're together.

But since we met the way we did, and fell into such an unexpected relationship, there was no particular moment where we declared each other as partners, boyfriend/girlfriend, anything like that. We've talked about it before, and he admits that it's irrational, but he finds it uncomfortable to refer to me as his girlfriend. I can live without using the girlfriend label, but I really hate to be introduced as his friend - even though it's not his intention, it feels diminishing.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal, because I've already met all of the important people in his life, and anyone new I'm introduced to quickly figures out the nature of our relationship anyway. But with the holidays coming up, I'll be meeting a lot of his acquaintances for the first time, and I cringe to anticipate that momentary discomfort when it comes time to be introduced to them. So I want to ask him to quit it with "this is my friend, Neely." And I know that if I ask him to stop it because it hurts my feelings, he will stop, but I also want to respect that using "girlfriend" isn't something that he is comfortable with. But I'm drawing blanks at coming up with alternatives to suggest that will make us both happy.

(Other data that may or may not be useful: I'm in my late 30s and left a short marriage with no kids; he's in his late 40s and left a marriage of over 20 years, with one child.)
posted by Neely O'Hara to Human Relations (46 answers total)
 
Is it the word "girlfriend" that's throwing him off? Or is it declaring that you two are a couple?

Because if it's the former, you have lots of options: partner, significant other, "special" friend, booty call... (kidding!)

A lot of adults I know use "partner" as a catchall for everything from "We've dated four times" to "We are buying a house together and intertwining our futures".
posted by tuesdayschild at 9:14 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


Partner is a good word to use that is often used here in the uk.
posted by By The Grace of God at 9:14 AM on December 5, 2011


Best answer: Simple. Drop the word, friend. "This is Neely" is sufficient. Squeeze his hand as a reminder before an introduction.
posted by Fairchild at 9:14 AM on December 5, 2011 [27 favorites]


From my experience, most other terms (partner, paramour, whatever) will tend to just draw attention to you not being his girlfriend, fiancee, wife, etc. I've had the best reaction with saying something like "this is Neely" with no title given at all, and let the friends figure out your relationship from context.
posted by modernserf at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


"Hey, so, we've been going out for over a year and I understand that you might not want to use the word 'girlfriend,' but I'd really like it if you would stop introducing me as your 'friend.'"

Then you discuss the alternatives with him and not us. If you want suggestions, "partner" is always good.
posted by griphus at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2011 [6 favorites]


This depends on why he's uncomfortable with the word "girlfriend." Personally, I don't like it because for me it carries connotations of youth. I see it as temporary and pejorative. If your partner has a similar discomfort, "partner" might be a workable suggestion.

On the other had, he might be uncomfortable with the world "girlfriend" because it carries connotations of commitment, and even though he is committed, he's still be burned in the past by divorce and may have a hangup about that. In which case "partner" would be the wrong suggestion, and Farichild's suggestion would be better.

Essentially, the tl;dr version is: You need to have a conversation with him about this, not with us. We can't read his mind.
posted by yeolcoatl at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2011 [6 favorites]


Relax. It's okay. You don't have to DTMFA over this.

This is an issue where your minor discomfort over P and his minor discomfort over not-P have collided. The stakes seem pretty low, and that's good.

So this is one of those situations where you brainstorm with each other about how to resolve this issue. In the process, you learn about each other, how you handle conflict, how much you're each willing to give on an issue.

Go into it gently. You'll be fine.
posted by gauche at 9:17 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


Yeolcoatl hit it on the head.

You need to talk to him to find out specifically what is making him uncomfortable about using the word "girlfriend." I would guess that it is one of the two options suggested by Yeolcoatl and, without knowing which one it is, it is tough to give advice.
posted by asnider at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2011


Best answer: This is not your problem. It's his problem to solve. If he doesn't like the word "girlfriend" that's totally fine; he needs to find another term or another mode of introduction that is respectful, declarative and reflective of your relationship to one another.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:18 AM on December 5, 2011


"I would really like it if you would call me your girlfriend when you introduce me to people, is that okay?"
posted by empath at 9:29 AM on December 5, 2011


Yeah, talk to him. For a lot of people, "girlfriends/boyfriends" are something that high school kids or maybe college students have, not middle-aged adults. So it may be less commitment that he's shying away from as much as it is the perceived immaturity of the term.
posted by valkyryn at 9:33 AM on December 5, 2011 [3 favorites]


You havent mention this but have you two actually talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend? If you havent then your not really yet.
posted by majortom1981 at 9:34 AM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


I say "This is my Neely."

Maybe he'd be more comfortable with that?
posted by rokusan at 9:37 AM on December 5, 2011 [4 favorites]


I mostly agree with Fairchild. Drop the word girlfriend.

"This is my Neely."
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:38 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just as a data point - I had many long dating relationships where I used "friend" to describe the person because I was 100% not interested in things progressing past a certain point.

Great people, fun times, as much public affection as I'm okay with, introductions to friends and family yes, plan for or even open-minded about long-term serious, no.

Probably, he wants this light because he's a divorced man with a child and things are fine.

You need to make it clear that you consider this a coupled relationship and that you would like to be introduced in a way that makes this clear. It may be that once you've talked it through, you'll understand why he prefers "friend" and be happy with that or Neely.

But just as a FWIW, when I used the term, it wasn't just because boyfriend has a high-school sound, and it wasn't because there was anything second-rate about the dates, it was one of my ways of setting boundaries. (If I had Leslie Gore's voice, I would have run around singing "you don't own me," instead.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:38 AM on December 5, 2011 [6 favorites]


Please don't use partner. And everyone else should stop using it too. You're in a relationship/marriage, not a business. FWIW the use of GF or BF is being perceived as un-PC, so he may be uncomfortable because of that. You should say you are uncomfortable being introduced as "Friend" and suggest some other label.
posted by Gungho at 9:44 AM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


If it helps, when Mr. Ipsum and I were dating, he would introduce me to people as his "other half." I think he didn't like the term "girlfriend" because it seemed a bit too young, since he was in his mid-to-late 30s.
posted by LaurenIpsum at 9:44 AM on December 5, 2011


"This is my love, Neely."
posted by Dragonness at 9:57 AM on December 5, 2011


"Sweetie" has always been my designation of choice (unless your fella finds it a bit too twee).
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:02 AM on December 5, 2011


Please don't use partner. And everyone else should stop using it too.

You know what? As applied to people in romantic relationships, it comes from same-sex people who need something beyond "boyfriend/girlfriend" but never had "husband/wife" open to them. Plenty of mixed-sex couples who are married use it so as not to flaunt their privilege in addition to couples who are not married. So there's a compelling argument for more people to use it rather than fewer.

In other words, you don't get to decide what other people should be doing with their language. Call your partner whatever makes you and your sweetie/girlfriend/squeeze/wife/mate happy - that's all Neely is trying to do, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:13 AM on December 5, 2011 [42 favorites]


I EFFING HATE the terms "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" personally (I'm a 31 y/o woman) because they make me feel like I'm 12 again. Seriously.

I'd ask him about why he's uncomfortable, honestly. I recently asked the guy I'm now exclusively dating why he was introducing in a similar way to his running friends when we did a local race together a few weeks ago. He just shrugged and said that he wanted people to meet ME as a crazy runner rather than simply his girlfriend. That actually scored some big points with me.

So, there could be several reasons or no reason, just ask him. Maybe he just doesn't like the label and that's not a big thing to worry about at all!
posted by floweredfish at 10:18 AM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


Special lady?
posted by cmoj at 10:34 AM on December 5, 2011


My husband and I never used the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" when we were dating. They seemed so gross and unpalatable. I believe he was calling me his "lady". Unfortunately, our culture hasn't cooked up a lot of good words for this situation. (I really dislike the word "husband" for that matter, but I'm getting used to it.)

On the other hand: Many years ago, I dated a guy who I found out was referring to me as his "roommate". When I called him on it, he muttered some excuse like "I didn't want to impugn your status as an independent woman." Yeah, right, but doesn't it sound so good?

Having seen how that relationship turned out, I believe he was really doing it to maintain this aura of being a cool, progressive, modern man. Not for my sake, but for his own ego. If he'd actually been cool and progressive, he would have taken me seriously in any capacity. And he definitely did not.

Oh, also, I'm pretty sure he wanted to appear available. Or as if he could become available at any moment. I have no proof he ever cheated on me, but I would be more surprised if he hadn't.

This is not to imply that your guy is up to any of that. It's just another angle to consider. That sort of behavior is indicative of someone being an overgrown child.
posted by Coatlicue at 10:35 AM on December 5, 2011


I can see how "girlfriend" can be distasteful to some. However, words have meanings, and a "girlfriend" is different then a "friend". In my personal opinion, introducing you as a friend is misleading.

Nthing the people who said that he may not want to convey that he is in a commit relationship to others. I can only speak for myself, but whenever I have used friend instead of boyfriend it was because I was not committed enough to admit the associated connotations to others.
posted by Shouraku at 11:21 AM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


How do you introduce him? Perhaps ask him how he'd like to be introduced? If nothing else it would make him think about the words he's using...
posted by sianifach at 11:32 AM on December 5, 2011


In another similar thread, I mentioned that my guy and I use "companion," partly because it's a little complicated, but mostly because we love Dr. Who.
posted by Polyhymnia at 12:10 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


Best answer: If the underlying question was "what term should he use?" I'd point you towards what Miss Manners has written on the topic over the years. But I don't think that's the underlying question. The more important questions are A) How do you see your relationship; B) How does he see your relationship; and C) Are those two views reasonably congruent?

For me, the problem with the word "friend" (in this context) is that it implies more distance, more autonomy, less intimacy, and less commitment than the other relationship terms that might be used (partner, significant other, sweetie, other half, girlfriend/ladyfriend, partner in crime, etc.). Often people have multiple friends, and having one or more friends doesn't mean one's uninterested or unavailable to continue forming new friendships.

Have you two talked about how you each perceive your relationship (past/present/ideas about the future)? Do you feel that you're seeing it similarly?

If he sees you two as a pair/partnership that you both want to continue and work to strengthen, I think it would be worth having a discussion in which you explain that being described as his "friend" feels alienating and distancing to you and you'd like to find a term that you can both feel happy with... so, sweetie, what term or terms can we find that you will feel comfortable with?
posted by Lexica at 12:28 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


How about the next time you are being introduced to someone, you jump in and say "And I'm Neely, so-and-so's girlfriend, Nice to meet you!" :)
posted by AltReality at 12:30 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


I am going to reiterate, If you have not actually talked about going steady and what you are to each other with this person it does not matter what he calls you.

He might think of you as a fool around friend if you have not talked to him yet on what the relationship is.
posted by majortom1981 at 1:19 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I should have clarified from the beginning that we have discussed the state of our relationship before, and we're definitely on the same page - we're very committed and devoted to each other, we're both just so recently divorced that neither of us are anywhere near ready to think about any kind of formal codification. It really is the terminology that's tripping us up.

And we have had discussions about the terminology before, just never to any great success, which is why I was hoping to see if I could get some new ideas to bring to the table before bringing it up again.

I think our biggest problem is we just view the available options very differently. To the best of my understanding of how he's explained it to me, he finds introducing me as his girlfriend to not be private enough for his tastes - here he is introducing me to some random acquaintance, and calling me his GF gives them more information about the his romantic life than he feels like declaring right then and there. Which is not how I see it, but whatever - I can respect his feelings about that even if it seems a little silly to me.

So the last time we talked about it, I tried to explain how being introduced as his friend made me feel lousy, and even suggested that he just not use any term at all, and just say "hi, this is Neely" like many of you have suggested. I would be absolutely happy with that. But he said that he feels like not using any kind of descriptor is less respectful than using "friend" - he just isn't getting the implication of "more distance, more autonomy, less intimacy, and less commitment" (thanks, Lexica!) that I feel when he uses "friend".

After reading all your responses and mulling things over, I think that what I am going to do is just ask him to introduce me with no descriptor at all - even if he thinks that somehow it is less intimate or meaningful than "friend," I'll ask him to just trust me that I am much more comfortable with that option. Not that I won't be open to other suggestions from him, but I think it's totally reasonable to ask him to use his less preferred option if it's the one that feels better to me.

Thanks for all of the great input! I feel a lot clearer about what I want to communicate when bringing this up again.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 1:57 PM on December 5, 2011


Calling me his GF gives them more information about the his romantic life than he feels like declaring right then and there.

Oh really? How did he introduce his former wife?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:58 PM on December 5, 2011 [5 favorites]


Partner
Companion

Adding "Life" is courting confusion, since it's used by gay couples.

Or, if you're irreverent enough, POSSLQ (Person of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters) (pronounced POS-sel-cue).
posted by KRS at 3:00 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]


> But he said that he feels like not using any kind of descriptor is less respectful than using "friend"

Disrespectful to who? To you? Because insisting on using a descriptor you've already told him makes you feel lousy is disrespectful to you. Listening to how you feel without trying to explain why your feeling are wrong—and then finding something to call you that makes you feel acknowledged and cherished? That's respectful.
posted by hot soup girl at 4:29 PM on December 5, 2011 [3 favorites]


I have an anecdote here.

My "boyfriend" is also anti boyfriend/girlfriend. We're totally a couple, he just dislikes those terms, like with you and your guy. Our solution was to come up with an inside joke: We, too, met as a casual hookup that turned into more, and much of our relationship first developed by spending cold nights together (in unheated mountain cabins in New England) to keep each other warm. Therefore, we are each other's "warmers." Once, I was talking with one of his female friends who referred to him as my boyfriend. He plaintively protested, "I'm not her boyfriend, I keep her warm." It was one of the sweetest things I'd ever heard. Frankly, as long he considers us a couple, I don't care in the slightest that he hates the world "girlfriend," though to people we just meet, he often introduces me as his girlfriend just for the ease of communication, though I know he doesn't like it all that much.

My point is, maybe you two can come up with something sweet that you two can call each other in private, that only you two will understand, and have that solve the problem, so the terms "boyfriend/girlfriend" can be used in public just because it's easier to do so?
posted by Emms at 4:56 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


I wonder a little if he is worried about his kid figuring out that he is doing it with her non-mom (sorry to be crude there) and the kid being super bugged about it, upsetting the fun applecart. That would explain why he's sort of stripping the lover part off of the intro. Note: I'm not saying that this is an unreasonable worry. I have no kids, and know little of such things.
posted by angrycat at 4:59 PM on December 5, 2011


I hope that you are able to come to a happy compromise; I like the idea of no descriptor at all, and hopefully he can see that it's probably your best solution -- it isn't announcing or flaunting your relationship but not diminishing or confusing it, either.
posted by sm1tten at 5:23 PM on December 5, 2011


I'm not a fan of 'partner' 'husband' 'boyfriend' 'friend' either - I mean, it's a given that you're a friend if you're rocking up to family and friend events with him and seems a bit redundant to say you're a friend. I go with introducing my man as "this is John" or 'this is my man, John' or 'here's my lovely man John' or 'here's my favourite man, John' but I get that, apart from 'this is John' everything else sounds intimate and wink-ish. He introduces me as his lovely woman or just uses my first name.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:03 PM on December 5, 2011


I hope the conversation goes well.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:05 PM on December 5, 2011


Best answer: I just noticed your username. I think he should introduce you as his happening, baby!
posted by mimi at 7:28 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think that "friend" is weird because I literally never introduce anyone as my "friend," especially if they're my friend. Either they have a first name or we're banging. (Er, I mean... )

To be honest, I think his reasons are kind of silly, but you love him so it's not a big deal. I think just Neely is the best option. What about "my date, Neely"? That might work too, if you're meeting someone at a party.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:27 PM on December 5, 2011


Expanding my earlier answer, and echoing the above comments, I agree with most: "friend" sounds like you're ducking something, "girlfriend" sounds sort of 12 years old and "partner" sounds cold and legalistic.

But auditing myself, I also know that I use "girlfriend" for every female friend I have, regardless of how close or casual we are. In other words, I use it the way most women do. I figure most of the time, it's nobody's business who I'm sleeping with, and it keeps it simpler in my mind. I realize I'm unusual here.

But for my girl, I tend to say exactly that: "My girl" when she's absent, and "My Neely" when she's next to me and I'm introducing her. Occasionally, "This is my girl, Neely."

So I have many girlfriends, but only one girl. (The fact she's 32 years old doesn't seem to bother me or anyone else yet. Why this is okay to my ears when "girlfriend" sounds 12 is something I can't answer. I wonder if it will sound silly when she's fifty?)
posted by rokusan at 4:08 AM on December 6, 2011 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I'm happy to report that we had a chance to talk tonight, and it went something like this:

Me: Hey, can I ask you a favor? We are going to all these parties and I'll be meeting a bunch of people for the first time, can you not introduce me as your friend anymore?
Him: Sure. (Pause). I still think you're reading something negative into it that I don't mean.
Me: I know you don't mean anything negative, but it still makes me feel bad. I know you don't want to hurt my feelings, so could you just stop anyway?
Him: Of course I don't want to hurt you. I won't do it then.
Me: Thank you!

So thanks for all the advice - it really helped me to clarify what I wanted ahead of time, and I was so pleased to have such a calm conversation about it.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 9:48 PM on December 6, 2011 [4 favorites]


I love a happy ending!
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:52 AM on December 8, 2011 [1 favorite]


Your followup answer didn't actually specify how he will be referring to you, only that he will stop saying "friend."

Way to leave us hanging, girlfriend!
posted by rokusan at 6:25 AM on December 9, 2011


Best answer: sparkle, Neely, sparkle.
posted by twoforty5am at 8:59 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Your followup answer didn't actually specify how he will be referring to you, only that he will stop saying "friend."

Sorry about that! He's not going to use any term at all, just "this is Neely." That was my preferred option, and was most comfortable for him too.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 9:05 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]


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