So how do
you get over a bad relationship, anyway?
posted by anonymous to human relations (27 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
For a couple of years, I had a good relationship with my partner in California - we lived in a beachfront apartment, shared a great job, made good money, and had a pretty great life for awhile. Then my best friend, who I'd known online, came out for a visit - which, long story short, turned into him moving in and the three of us became a threesome. (Yes, I wanted that at the time - and that was the biggest mistake of my life.)
You can probably guess what happened next... my lover and my former-best-friend (FBF) slowly fell more in love with each other, and out of love with me. The FBF and I both came from unhealthy living situations in the South, and part of the reason I brought him out to be with us in California was to show him a good life - and he ended up taking my life practically from A to Z. He took over my apartment, my job, my most important material possessions, my partner, my entire California life... he's even starting his own career in my artistic profession, doing work in my style, the creative work I mentored him in. (And I thought this sort of thing only happened in bad B-movies...)
And I'm okay with that, to the degree I can accept that as what I had coming to me, for being stupid enough to enter into this kind of relationship with someone who I already knew, from all the years that I'd known him, had more issues than Newsweek. Part of me still loves them and misses them like hell, god help me, and there's a lot of other things about that life I do miss, but generally I'm so much happier and healthier where I am now. I have a great new job, some very promising things in the works, and I'm even in the early stages of seeing someone new. So life could be a lot worse for me right now.
But I'm just having so much trouble letting go of the anger. And this is completely new for me, because I've never been a truly angry person; I've been raped, and seen my sister murdered, and I've never felt half as angry towards the people who did those things as I am to my FBF. Which, yes, I know is all out of proportion, and that's part of the problem... but then, I never loved my rapist, or the man who murdered my sister. (I'm angry, too, at my lover for letting it happen, but I know part of that blame is mine - I was the one who wanted this three-way relationship at first, he didn't, and the FBF and I pressured him into it.) And I'm angry at myself, most of all, for not seeing what was happening until it was too damned late. (Talking to either of them, by the way, is not an option for many reasons, some of which involve lawyers.) My FBF is someone who's spent his life consumed by darkness and anger - where I rarely if ever felt anger before, it was second nature for him - and now, as he's becoming me, I see myself becoming him... and that scares the hell out of me. I've always been a very loving and trusting person - far too trusting for my own good, obviously - and despite all this, I don't want to lose that, for the sake of the guy I'm seeing now, and for my own sake; I don't want to let him take that away from me, too. He's taken enough.
What have some of you done to get over bad breakups, or anger and bitterness in general? How do you find your inner peace again, basically?
Thanks for reading... sorry if this is overlong (I've tried to leave out as much as I could, without sacrificing the basic sense).