Hi, we got married!
November 29, 2011 8:07 PM Subscribe
How do I tell my family of origin I am married?
My partner and I got married this July, after five years of a relationship, three years of homeownership and five months of parenthood.
We had not planned to marry -- aside from having complicated feelings about marriage, we live in a state where unregistered domestic partners qualify for coverage under group health insurance and we had all sorts of other legal frameworks in place. Our not marrying was a big deal to my family, and I spent a lot of time and energy helping them be okay with that. I love my folks and I'm quite close to them (emotionally -- they live halfway across the country), so it was important to do that work. Most of it happened around the time we bought our house, but some of it came up again when I announced my pregnancy. It's all been resolved at this point -- the grandfather who was worried (in so many words) about my son's "bastard status" has since praised my partner's qualities as a father. My parents have never taken nearly that negative a viewpoint, but marriage is important to them.
Early this summer, it became apparent that it would be better for our little family if I didn't work outside the home. This has been an awesome change. Everyone is happier. However, it seemed to necessitate marriage. For one, my partner is self-employed. We had health insurance through my job. Heterosexual domestic partners in my state are ineligible for joint health insurance plans through individual insurance. Additionally, quitting my job left me without a certain amount of financial security in the event of a breakup or my partner's death -- I lost my 401K, limited my ability to contribute to my IRA, and lost my life insurance. Marriage provides that protection in one quick action.
So we did a simple elopement -- had a few friends over (one who can legally conduct weddings, two witnesses), signed papers, done. We're both averse to using the terms "husband" and "wife" (my partner rather seriously so), and it's had a limited effect on our lives so far (we got health insurance and merged some of our finances). Having a party has never been an option -- we had exactly the wedding we both wanted. Neither of us is comfortable talking about our (deep, passionate) love for each other in a public setting, and marriage has always felt to us (for us) like simply a legal event.
My partner does not want to tell his family -- he is partly estranged from them, and telling them would be weird. Most of our friends know. I want my parents (and my brothers, one of whom moved in with us recently) to know, but I don't know how to tell them. I did warn my father, when I was discussing leaving my job, that we'd probably get married. I know they'd want to know -- it'd make them feel like I was protected, and it'd hurt them to find out years after the fact, or secondhand, or in some sort of emergency situation. But I think it'd also hurt my mom's feelings that there wasn't a celebration or party.
So what do I do? Do I call them up and say, "Hey, we got married this summer"? Or wait until I see them in person in January and tell them? I feel like I'm making this a much bigger deal than it ought to be.
My partner and I got married this July, after five years of a relationship, three years of homeownership and five months of parenthood.
We had not planned to marry -- aside from having complicated feelings about marriage, we live in a state where unregistered domestic partners qualify for coverage under group health insurance and we had all sorts of other legal frameworks in place. Our not marrying was a big deal to my family, and I spent a lot of time and energy helping them be okay with that. I love my folks and I'm quite close to them (emotionally -- they live halfway across the country), so it was important to do that work. Most of it happened around the time we bought our house, but some of it came up again when I announced my pregnancy. It's all been resolved at this point -- the grandfather who was worried (in so many words) about my son's "bastard status" has since praised my partner's qualities as a father. My parents have never taken nearly that negative a viewpoint, but marriage is important to them.
Early this summer, it became apparent that it would be better for our little family if I didn't work outside the home. This has been an awesome change. Everyone is happier. However, it seemed to necessitate marriage. For one, my partner is self-employed. We had health insurance through my job. Heterosexual domestic partners in my state are ineligible for joint health insurance plans through individual insurance. Additionally, quitting my job left me without a certain amount of financial security in the event of a breakup or my partner's death -- I lost my 401K, limited my ability to contribute to my IRA, and lost my life insurance. Marriage provides that protection in one quick action.
So we did a simple elopement -- had a few friends over (one who can legally conduct weddings, two witnesses), signed papers, done. We're both averse to using the terms "husband" and "wife" (my partner rather seriously so), and it's had a limited effect on our lives so far (we got health insurance and merged some of our finances). Having a party has never been an option -- we had exactly the wedding we both wanted. Neither of us is comfortable talking about our (deep, passionate) love for each other in a public setting, and marriage has always felt to us (for us) like simply a legal event.
My partner does not want to tell his family -- he is partly estranged from them, and telling them would be weird. Most of our friends know. I want my parents (and my brothers, one of whom moved in with us recently) to know, but I don't know how to tell them. I did warn my father, when I was discussing leaving my job, that we'd probably get married. I know they'd want to know -- it'd make them feel like I was protected, and it'd hurt them to find out years after the fact, or secondhand, or in some sort of emergency situation. But I think it'd also hurt my mom's feelings that there wasn't a celebration or party.
So what do I do? Do I call them up and say, "Hey, we got married this summer"? Or wait until I see them in person in January and tell them? I feel like I'm making this a much bigger deal than it ought to be.
Wait until you see them. Gather everyone for a dinner, pop a bottle of champagne and make the happy announcement! It is a happy announcement despite your feelings on marriage and the fact that you'd previously drawn a line in the sand on this issue. You are in a happy, committed relationship with a partner that you love and have a baby with. This is happy!
Blame the baby for why you didn't mention it sooner and stress that you didn't want a fuss made and were so focused on the baby... Well, suddenly here it is the new year! Grandparents are pretty forgiving when there's a grandchild to dote on.
Above all, just own it. You're a grownup with lots of grownup things going on. It's okay to not be perfect all the time and you just don't have to meet everyone's expectations anymore. Congrats on all of it!
posted by amanda at 8:17 PM on November 29, 2011 [17 favorites]
Blame the baby for why you didn't mention it sooner and stress that you didn't want a fuss made and were so focused on the baby... Well, suddenly here it is the new year! Grandparents are pretty forgiving when there's a grandchild to dote on.
Above all, just own it. You're a grownup with lots of grownup things going on. It's okay to not be perfect all the time and you just don't have to meet everyone's expectations anymore. Congrats on all of it!
posted by amanda at 8:17 PM on November 29, 2011 [17 favorites]
I was just going to say that same thing as amanda - tell them in person with champagne and treats - hell, get a cake that says "guess what? we're married!" think of it as an exciting surprise, rather than an awkward secret.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:21 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:21 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
One way you could handle this: Call them and say, "Hey, due to the change in my job status, we felt it would be best if we got legally married. So we went and got a marriage license! We would like to celebrate with you in January by having a small family dinner party."
If you emphasize the legal aspect of it and leave out the whole "we had a small ceremony with friends" bit, they hopefully won't feel like they missed out on a wedding.
Regardless of how you tell them, there likely are going to be hurt feelings and disappointment on your family members' part that you will to deal with. They had a fantasy in their heads about how they wanted your wedding to go, and now you've gone and canceled all their permanently lovely fantasy plans. It's not fair, at all, for your parents or your grandparents to get mad at you for not having the wedding of their dreams, but they almost certainly will, because people are irrational and not always fair.
My husband and I got married at a courthouse without inviting any family, and then called our family members afterward to tell them the deed was done. My in-laws were angry about that for at least four years -- my mother-in-law in particular wanted a big Catholic church wedding with hundreds of guests and was very, very disappointed that she was not allowed to plan such a thing for us. I think even now eight years later she's still a little resentful, and holds me to blame for it more than her son, of course (Even though the courthouse thing was his idea. Heh).
But the anger didn't end our family relationship. We weren't disowned. I don't think you will be, either.
I think it's best to tell them sooner rather than later. If you wait to tell them until you visit them you'll have to deal with any immediate fallout live and in person, which won't be so fun.
posted by BlueJae at 8:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you emphasize the legal aspect of it and leave out the whole "we had a small ceremony with friends" bit, they hopefully won't feel like they missed out on a wedding.
Regardless of how you tell them, there likely are going to be hurt feelings and disappointment on your family members' part that you will to deal with. They had a fantasy in their heads about how they wanted your wedding to go, and now you've gone and canceled all their permanently lovely fantasy plans. It's not fair, at all, for your parents or your grandparents to get mad at you for not having the wedding of their dreams, but they almost certainly will, because people are irrational and not always fair.
My husband and I got married at a courthouse without inviting any family, and then called our family members afterward to tell them the deed was done. My in-laws were angry about that for at least four years -- my mother-in-law in particular wanted a big Catholic church wedding with hundreds of guests and was very, very disappointed that she was not allowed to plan such a thing for us. I think even now eight years later she's still a little resentful, and holds me to blame for it more than her son, of course (Even though the courthouse thing was his idea. Heh).
But the anger didn't end our family relationship. We weren't disowned. I don't think you will be, either.
I think it's best to tell them sooner rather than later. If you wait to tell them until you visit them you'll have to deal with any immediate fallout live and in person, which won't be so fun.
posted by BlueJae at 8:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'd really advise against the "gathering everyone for dinner and telling them over champagne" approach. I can imagine that approach going very poorly as you and your partner deliver the news with weak smiles and it's all rather awkward as your dazed relatives try to muster up some bonhomie while their wan faces reveal they're really upset they weren't invited.
Tell them over the phone. Don't try to force a celebration.
posted by jayder at 8:35 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell them over the phone. Don't try to force a celebration.
posted by jayder at 8:35 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, hello me.
Only we didn't tell parents for 12 years. We kept putting it off until it was a nerve-wracking big deal for us. Don't do that!
Our reasons were different to yours, but not that different. I'm estranged from my family, so I didn't take much care with how I eventually told them and mainly fought back shame that I hadn't had the guts to speak up earlier. I just said it, and gave a few basic reasons why we'd not mentioned it, and then I asked for our goddammed toaster already. End of matter, no one's mentioned it since [or bought us a toaster.]
My partner's situation [and, yes, we find it hard to say 'husband' and 'wife' too] was more like yours where there is love and the possibility of hurt. He waited until he could do it in person and sat his parents down when we were in Ireland with them and told them what we'd done 12 years ago, and how ridiculous it was that we hadn't declared it to them earlier. He apologised for not doing so, and explained that our getting married was a pragmatic course of action and at the time, we weren't willing or ready to think through or plan a big wedding. He didn't expect censure or annoyance, and he didn't get it. They were gasping for a while and then were thrilled. We had some champagne and they welcomed me into their family formally, although, as they said, they knew that I'd been well and truly part of their family for many years. It was really touching. I was terrified that they'd be angry.
btw - we didn't do this 'reveal' at a dinner or celebration. Just calmly after breakfast one morning when we had the two of them there alone without all the rest of the family around. I agree with Jayder, above, on that.
The right time I feel for you is as soon as possible, in person. If that is in January, then make it January. If you have a photo of the day, have a copy to give them? But only if it doesn't look like a photo where everyone else got to be there, bar them. It sounds like yours was like ours, a very small, very private affair. Our photo got put up on the mantlepiece proudly and there was no more to-do about it. I think your folks will be thrilled - as you said a few different ways, this is what they have wanted for you.
I wouldn't make all the excuses about babies, timing etc. If I could go back to our 'coming out as married' conversation, I'd make less excuses and feel less fear. You're a big girl now and this is what you n your partner decided to do to take care of things in in the most responsible way for your family. You can still celebrate. And let's face it, after co-habiting, having a child etc - what's the likelihood that you would have had a traditional wedding anyway? [We wouldn't have] Just having a meal and a drink with your family in celebration is a lovely thing in itself.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:45 PM on November 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
Only we didn't tell parents for 12 years. We kept putting it off until it was a nerve-wracking big deal for us. Don't do that!
Our reasons were different to yours, but not that different. I'm estranged from my family, so I didn't take much care with how I eventually told them and mainly fought back shame that I hadn't had the guts to speak up earlier. I just said it, and gave a few basic reasons why we'd not mentioned it, and then I asked for our goddammed toaster already. End of matter, no one's mentioned it since [or bought us a toaster.]
My partner's situation [and, yes, we find it hard to say 'husband' and 'wife' too] was more like yours where there is love and the possibility of hurt. He waited until he could do it in person and sat his parents down when we were in Ireland with them and told them what we'd done 12 years ago, and how ridiculous it was that we hadn't declared it to them earlier. He apologised for not doing so, and explained that our getting married was a pragmatic course of action and at the time, we weren't willing or ready to think through or plan a big wedding. He didn't expect censure or annoyance, and he didn't get it. They were gasping for a while and then were thrilled. We had some champagne and they welcomed me into their family formally, although, as they said, they knew that I'd been well and truly part of their family for many years. It was really touching. I was terrified that they'd be angry.
btw - we didn't do this 'reveal' at a dinner or celebration. Just calmly after breakfast one morning when we had the two of them there alone without all the rest of the family around. I agree with Jayder, above, on that.
The right time I feel for you is as soon as possible, in person. If that is in January, then make it January. If you have a photo of the day, have a copy to give them? But only if it doesn't look like a photo where everyone else got to be there, bar them. It sounds like yours was like ours, a very small, very private affair. Our photo got put up on the mantlepiece proudly and there was no more to-do about it. I think your folks will be thrilled - as you said a few different ways, this is what they have wanted for you.
I wouldn't make all the excuses about babies, timing etc. If I could go back to our 'coming out as married' conversation, I'd make less excuses and feel less fear. You're a big girl now and this is what you n your partner decided to do to take care of things in in the most responsible way for your family. You can still celebrate. And let's face it, after co-habiting, having a child etc - what's the likelihood that you would have had a traditional wedding anyway? [We wouldn't have] Just having a meal and a drink with your family in celebration is a lovely thing in itself.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:45 PM on November 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
Maybe you could explain that to you and your partner the ceremony was a simple legal proceeding, there was no "wedding" just a contract signing of sorts... and inviting others would have made it a bigger deal than you wanted it to be... but you understand your family's desire to be part of your life/etc etc etc...
I might also add something about how, knowing how you and partner feel about marriage... making it more like a wedding (inviting them, making a fuss over it) would have made the situation uncomfortable for you both. And that if you should ever decide to step into the realm of husband and wife, they would definitely be welcome...
would you be open to holding a private celebration with just the family? that might smooth things over a bit?
posted by myShanon at 9:02 PM on November 29, 2011
I might also add something about how, knowing how you and partner feel about marriage... making it more like a wedding (inviting them, making a fuss over it) would have made the situation uncomfortable for you both. And that if you should ever decide to step into the realm of husband and wife, they would definitely be welcome...
would you be open to holding a private celebration with just the family? that might smooth things over a bit?
posted by myShanon at 9:02 PM on November 29, 2011
BTW my thought on the celebration was a post-announcement kind of thing, once they've figured out how they feel... just a way of bringing the family together over a meal or drinks. Re-bonding after what is likely to be a bit of hurt feelings... and a symbolic way of showing them that you didn't do it the way you did to shut them out in any way, and to show that they're still very much welcome in your lives.
Me, not liking most of my family, would prolly just change my facebook relationship status to married... the ones who I care about would already know by then (all both of them) and I could care less about the opinions of those who would get butthurt over the lack of invitations (Though... if I could find a way to invite my uncle while excluding the crazy aunt, I'd totally do it...)
posted by myShanon at 9:09 PM on November 29, 2011
Me, not liking most of my family, would prolly just change my facebook relationship status to married... the ones who I care about would already know by then (all both of them) and I could care less about the opinions of those who would get butthurt over the lack of invitations (Though... if I could find a way to invite my uncle while excluding the crazy aunt, I'd totally do it...)
posted by myShanon at 9:09 PM on November 29, 2011
We told my husband's parents one or two weekends later when they were visiting us, and I called my mother to tell her about it shortly thereafter. It was no big deal. My parents-in-law are very stoic and hard to read; my mom was surprisingly interested in hearing about it. (my older sister had gotten married privately some years before.) for our families, keeping it casual worked pretty well. There were no hurt feelings that I know of. We'd lived together for more than 15 years and they all know we're weird.
posted by Occula at 9:17 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by Occula at 9:17 PM on November 29, 2011
You could always tell them that you had to get married right then in order to avoid a gap in heal insurance, or some other complicated, technical and possibly not real reason that you couldn't have warned them. That might get you 'forgiven' if that's what you're after. (Though I don't think you owe them an explanation.)
I would probably just drop it in a conversation in January, or on the phone. "Oh, wow, the funniest thing happened a few months back. Sally was passing the wine around at our wedding ceremony, and Billy spilled it. Sally threw herself in front of the certificate to try to save it, but ended up knocking over the entire table and cutting herself on a vase she just smashed. So we drove her to the hospital . . . " Ok, that got dark, and you might not know anyone named Sally, so make your own. But if you get the pacing right, they'll absorb the information without being able to say anything, and they can't really muster up the same kind of indignation 30 minutes after you've told them. I used the technique to come out to family members and tell them I'm engaged. It worked out pretty well.
posted by Garm at 9:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would probably just drop it in a conversation in January, or on the phone. "Oh, wow, the funniest thing happened a few months back. Sally was passing the wine around at our wedding ceremony, and Billy spilled it. Sally threw herself in front of the certificate to try to save it, but ended up knocking over the entire table and cutting herself on a vase she just smashed. So we drove her to the hospital . . . " Ok, that got dark, and you might not know anyone named Sally, so make your own. But if you get the pacing right, they'll absorb the information without being able to say anything, and they can't really muster up the same kind of indignation 30 minutes after you've told them. I used the technique to come out to family members and tell them I'm engaged. It worked out pretty well.
posted by Garm at 9:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Christmas/New Year's is actually a great time to mention this kind of thing - don't make it a big deal, because (given that you have a child together) it's not. My stepfather and mom did that when they took off on vacation and randomly decided to get hitched (only due to a variety of zany circumstances they ended out doing another ceremony - this time with their flipping children present thank you very much - about four months later.) It was mainly at dinner parties that it came out: "oh, hey, yeah, we got rings, because heh, this is so funny..." The only people they sat down and did a serious "so, you really ought to know" conversation with were, well, me and my stepbrother (we were four and eight at the time.) I'm pretty sure even my step-grandmother got the dinner party treatment, and was OK-ish with it (she was as zany as the circumstances following the elopement, so.) By the time of the second ceremony I don't think anyone (except maybe my father, heh) didn't know.
posted by SMPA at 9:55 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by SMPA at 9:55 PM on November 29, 2011
Your husband should tell his family. There are very significant differences afforded by marriage were your husband to die, become debilitated, or be unable to consent to medical care. You would not, at the worst possible time, have your partially estranged in-laws attempting to make decisions or interfere with yours because they don't know you are/were his wife, or don't believe you when you drop the fact on them in a moment of crisis.
posted by MattD at 10:15 PM on November 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by MattD at 10:15 PM on November 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
Send a card/letter/email to everyone who should know just telling them the truth - you needed to get married to keep health cover or whatever, so you did; and you wanted a very quiet ceremony with no friends, so that's what you had; and the only thing that's changed is your legal status, not your love for your family/friends. Truth is usually the simplest and the best. And i agree with whoever said that your husband should tell his family, as marriage is a legal state and does affect family.
posted by nickji at 2:36 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by nickji at 2:36 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
You have deeply held, but not socially typical feelings about marriage. When you tell them, explain that you know they don't share your beliefs, and that you're telling them now because you know they'd want to know. And, that you don't want to make a fuss. They probably want to have exactly the sort of celebration you don't want. Just tell them you love them, and you know they don't get it, and that's okay.
posted by theora55 at 3:13 AM on November 30, 2011
posted by theora55 at 3:13 AM on November 30, 2011
Don't bother with 'announcing' it: just make sure you're wearing a wedding ring (if you don't normally, get a cheap one just for this, say from a pawn shop, or borrow one from a friend!), and let them notice on their own. Then just keep saying how you don't want it to be a big deal etc. etc.
Your parents WILL forgive, especially if you stress "we eloped suddenly," not "you weren't invited." Most parents can eventually forgive not being involved --- heck, I know a couple that eloped THE DAY BEFORE their huge wedding was scheduled; they just drove off, found a justice of the peace, and called home the next morning: if parents can forgive THAT, they can forgive your unscheduled-but-long-hoped-for elopement.
posted by easily confused at 4:43 AM on November 30, 2011
Your parents WILL forgive, especially if you stress "we eloped suddenly," not "you weren't invited." Most parents can eventually forgive not being involved --- heck, I know a couple that eloped THE DAY BEFORE their huge wedding was scheduled; they just drove off, found a justice of the peace, and called home the next morning: if parents can forgive THAT, they can forgive your unscheduled-but-long-hoped-for elopement.
posted by easily confused at 4:43 AM on November 30, 2011
Mr. crankylex and I got married in front of the judge at Philadelphia City Hall almost two years ago. There are members of my family that are still pissed that we a) went by ourselves and b) didn't have any kind of reception/dinner afterwards. And they were all told in advance what we were going to do, so this just illustrates how weird people can be about weddings/marriage.
When you tell your parents, do you need to point out the actual date you got married? Are you planning on celebrating an anniversary? In your position, I would be vague about the actual date of the ceremony, and only tell them it was X months ago if pressed.
posted by crankylex at 6:50 AM on November 30, 2011
When you tell your parents, do you need to point out the actual date you got married? Are you planning on celebrating an anniversary? In your position, I would be vague about the actual date of the ceremony, and only tell them it was X months ago if pressed.
posted by crankylex at 6:50 AM on November 30, 2011
Just be yourself and be happy! If it isn't a big deal to you, don't make it a big deal on their account. Telling the fam in person is probably more polite than over the phone, but you could also make up a nice announcement card or an announcement/christmas card. Then when you see them, just remember that everything went exactly the way you wanted, you and your partner are happy adults who make good decisions, and your family is welcome to either board the happy grown-up train or sit in the corner and pout, but it's not going to get you down.
posted by Chris4d at 8:41 AM on November 30, 2011
posted by Chris4d at 8:41 AM on November 30, 2011
The more I think about it, the more I think you should handle this by a letter. You are obviously troubled by the logistics of this, and communicating uncomfortable news while maintaining a comfortable distance is, after all, one of the chief benefits of letters.
The letter would allow you to communicate all the relevant information while removing the necessity of managing your emotions or theirs at the moment you inform them.
Given your ambivalent feelings about marriage, a letter seems like an excellent way to handle this.
It will be up to them to handle the news maturely and appropriately.
posted by jayder at 10:29 AM on November 30, 2011
The letter would allow you to communicate all the relevant information while removing the necessity of managing your emotions or theirs at the moment you inform them.
Given your ambivalent feelings about marriage, a letter seems like an excellent way to handle this.
It will be up to them to handle the news maturely and appropriately.
posted by jayder at 10:29 AM on November 30, 2011
I'm surprised at some of the answers here. As an unmarried person, perhaps I'm completely off-base here...but aren't there legal ramifications to being married? The sorts of legal things that, in a horrible situation, people should know about?
Like, if he was in an accident and needed emergency medical care. Unless you two had some sort of legal arrangement set up before you got married, the emergency care providers might try to call his folks to get permission to operate/permission to pull the plug/it's-been-a-while-since-I've-seen-a-Hospital-Drama-TV-Show-so-I-don't-know-what-else-they-might-do. Not only would that be a total mess, it would be a very WTF way of finding out your child was married. And, do y'all jointly file taxes? If your husband commits a crime, you don't have to testify against them...whereas if you were not married, you could?
I don't know. It gives me pause to imagine keeping something as huge as having a spouse (from a legal standpoint) a secret.
Upon further reading, I see that MattD has some of the same thoughts as I do.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:00 PM on November 30, 2011
Like, if he was in an accident and needed emergency medical care. Unless you two had some sort of legal arrangement set up before you got married, the emergency care providers might try to call his folks to get permission to operate/permission to pull the plug/it's-been-a-while-since-I've-seen-a-Hospital-Drama-TV-Show-so-I-don't-know-what-else-they-might-do. Not only would that be a total mess, it would be a very WTF way of finding out your child was married. And, do y'all jointly file taxes? If your husband commits a crime, you don't have to testify against them...whereas if you were not married, you could?
I don't know. It gives me pause to imagine keeping something as huge as having a spouse (from a legal standpoint) a secret.
Upon further reading, I see that MattD has some of the same thoughts as I do.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:00 PM on November 30, 2011
I've been thinking about the letter vs. telling them to their face methods; while the letter method has the benefit of your not having to deal with them until they've had a chance to calm down, it ALSO gives them a chance to make you crazy by planning a big surprise reception or something. Telling them in person gives you time to get back home from your visit before they can organize anything.....
posted by easily confused at 4:53 AM on December 1, 2011
posted by easily confused at 4:53 AM on December 1, 2011
Set up the announcement however high- or low-key you want*, but definitely do it in person. I had to do it over the phone (because of distance) and would have rather done it face-to-face.
*I'd make a copy of the photo (if there is one) and the marriage certificate and put them in a nicely wrapped box or a pretty envelope and had it to my mum to open, but that's just me.
posted by deborah at 12:23 AM on December 2, 2011
*I'd make a copy of the photo (if there is one) and the marriage certificate and put them in a nicely wrapped box or a pretty envelope and had it to my mum to open, but that's just me.
posted by deborah at 12:23 AM on December 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your parents may be hurt that they weren't invited to the wedding but try to make them understand that this doesn't change anything about your relationship and that that's why there was no celebration involved.
posted by peacheater at 8:14 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]