I don't want to see your etchings.
November 29, 2011 11:23 AM Subscribe
Help me graciously decline an invitation to a guy's apartment in advance of our date.
posted by anonymous to human relations (39 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I’m a straight woman in my thirties. A man I recently met, with whom I’ve only had a couple of short conversations about film, asked me if I’d like to go out for drinks with him and maybe watch a movie. I said sure, and we agreed to figure out our schedules for this Friday. He just texted me: “Let’s go to such-and-such bar at X time. We can have a couple of drinks and then, if you’d like, we can go back to mine to watch a DVD. We’ll see if we feel like it. [Then a couple of sentences about his DVD collection.]”
I’m uncomfortable with the suggestion that we go to his apartment. I already know I won’t want anything physical to happen on this date, and I dread the idea of sitting awkwardly on a sofa with this guy, trying to act friendly while maintaining my distance and hoping he doesn’t test my boundaries. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t spent enough time with this guy to assess whether there’s a safety risk.
I can’t tell whether his suggestion was intended as a hint that he’s looking for a casual hookup. If so, we’re looking for different things in a date. I’m American and he’s English, so maybe that plays into things as well?
Since he made the suggestion in advance of the date, I think I should let him know in advance that I won’t be going to his apartment. For one thing, if I appear to make the decision based on “how I feel” at the last minute, he’ll wonder if he said something wrong during the date. Secondly, it would be considerate to let him know he won’t need to run around cleaning up his apartment.
But I see all kinds of potential for causing offense. If I write back, “The bar sounds great, but I’m uncomfortable going to your place so soon” or even “The bar sounds great, but let’s do such-and-such activity in a public place afterwards,” I can’t avoid implying that he was implying … something. And I’ll send the message, “I DON’T TRUST YOU NOT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER, AND/OR I KNOW YOU’RE ANGLING FOR CASUAL SEX, WHICH I REFUSE!”
I won’t have the chance to see him in person before the date, so I have to respond by text, email, or phone. How do I graciously but unequivocally let him know that we won’t be going to his apartment?