Can I get a charge number for that?
November 28, 2011 1:04 PM Subscribe
Help me figure out how to manage an apparently needy co-worker who comes to me for what to me seems like counseling during work. (IANAC)
The line between work-friend and counselor here is getting rather blurred. I feel like things are to the point that it's taking time away from me actually doing my job in addition to weird 'I don't really want to know that' things.
Ok, so some background is probably useful.. I am an engineer and work with a bunch of engineers in a large company. One of the guys in my group periodically corners me at my desk and asks for relationship advice or takes over regular small group walk conversations to gripe/elicit advise that he isn't going to follow anyway. I don't want to be his counselor person, but am not sure how to convey that without being a jerk (He can be super passive aggressive. I hate that crap and do not want any of it directed my way).
Secondary considerations being that saying things like 'hey lets talk about it after work' are not ok. It's not that I think he would do anything bad, but based on some comments in the past I just don't want there to be anything confusing or non-platonic in any iota of a way with this guy. It sort of creeps me out that I occasionally have to work with him as a professional after knowing all his personal failings anyway. (I am female and am pretty sure that that is largly the reason he seeks advise from me, moreso now that the other female in our "group" is not around (she also doesn't like this so I promise to pass on any good tips) we are both young enough to be his kids which adds a whole other weird factor)
I'm fine with staying friends with the guy, and that seems the best thing for my work environment?, but I am starting to feel like I should be getting paid for services rendered. Perhaps I am thus a bad friend, but if so, so be it. Is there a good way to convey this without triggering passive aggressive responses?
I am totally fine with being direct about it, but I swear this guy will find a word somewhere and twist around meanings to think I hate him or something (which tends to trigger punch people in the face behavior in me >.> <.<). If it has to be that way then I'll do it, but maybe the hive mind has some helpful ideas.
guy profile: 50s, 2 ex wives, a kid with each, lots of ex girlfiends, currently engaged, definitely swings between manic and depressive every few days, knows it, and doesn't seek any help for it, acts tough guy, but is more catty than many women I know, expects passive aggressive behavior from women
The line between work-friend and counselor here is getting rather blurred. I feel like things are to the point that it's taking time away from me actually doing my job in addition to weird 'I don't really want to know that' things.
Ok, so some background is probably useful.. I am an engineer and work with a bunch of engineers in a large company. One of the guys in my group periodically corners me at my desk and asks for relationship advice or takes over regular small group walk conversations to gripe/elicit advise that he isn't going to follow anyway. I don't want to be his counselor person, but am not sure how to convey that without being a jerk (He can be super passive aggressive. I hate that crap and do not want any of it directed my way).
Secondary considerations being that saying things like 'hey lets talk about it after work' are not ok. It's not that I think he would do anything bad, but based on some comments in the past I just don't want there to be anything confusing or non-platonic in any iota of a way with this guy. It sort of creeps me out that I occasionally have to work with him as a professional after knowing all his personal failings anyway. (I am female and am pretty sure that that is largly the reason he seeks advise from me, moreso now that the other female in our "group" is not around (she also doesn't like this so I promise to pass on any good tips) we are both young enough to be his kids which adds a whole other weird factor)
I'm fine with staying friends with the guy, and that seems the best thing for my work environment?, but I am starting to feel like I should be getting paid for services rendered. Perhaps I am thus a bad friend, but if so, so be it. Is there a good way to convey this without triggering passive aggressive responses?
I am totally fine with being direct about it, but I swear this guy will find a word somewhere and twist around meanings to think I hate him or something (which tends to trigger punch people in the face behavior in me >.> <.<). If it has to be that way then I'll do it, but maybe the hive mind has some helpful ideas.
guy profile: 50s, 2 ex wives, a kid with each, lots of ex girlfiends, currently engaged, definitely swings between manic and depressive every few days, knows it, and doesn't seek any help for it, acts tough guy, but is more catty than many women I know, expects passive aggressive behavior from women
I remember snapping once and telling a coworker, "Look, I don't need to hear this. I have a wife who tells me when she's unhappy and that's all I can handle." Yes, I sound like a jerk, and a sexist one, but it fixed the problem. Then I switched physical offices. So aggression, + passivity.
posted by mecran01 at 1:21 PM on November 28, 2011
posted by mecran01 at 1:21 PM on November 28, 2011
Best answer: Dude, I've been giving you advice for a while now, and it doesn't seem to be working out. So I'm just going to stop before I get you into something bad. I can't handle this kind of responsibility. You're my friend, and I'd feel terrible if my advice turned out bad. Hey did you do any "cyber Monday" shopping?
Follow through every time he starts again with the comical fingers-in-ears "lalalalala! Too much information!" [change subject to something still personal, but work-appropriate. Going anywhere for the holidays?]
The key is to demonstrate the level of familiarity you DO want, not just say you DON'T want something.
posted by ctmf at 1:24 PM on November 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Follow through every time he starts again with the comical fingers-in-ears "lalalalala! Too much information!" [change subject to something still personal, but work-appropriate. Going anywhere for the holidays?]
The key is to demonstrate the level of familiarity you DO want, not just say you DON'T want something.
posted by ctmf at 1:24 PM on November 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Every time you provide free counseling for the guy, you reward him for the behavior. So your top priority is to set that boundary, and consistently enforce it. I like restless_nomad's suggestion of using your boss as the enforcer, but there are some workplaces/bosses for which that wouldn't be appropriate.
Karen Pryor's Don't Shoot the Dog is an excellent book that tackles how to deal with this sort of situation (among other things). I highly recommend it.
posted by pie ninja at 1:29 PM on November 28, 2011
Karen Pryor's Don't Shoot the Dog is an excellent book that tackles how to deal with this sort of situation (among other things). I highly recommend it.
posted by pie ninja at 1:29 PM on November 28, 2011
"Sorry, [person], I have work I need to finish, and I need to focus. No time to chat."
Repeat as necessary. Ultimately, if he doesn't get the point, and he keeps bothering you or being passive-aggressive, well, that's really his problem, isn't it? And if it becomes a problem that your boss brings to your attention, you can just say "He constantly tries to engage me in conversations about his relationships and other non-work stuff, way beyond simple day-to-day pleasantries, and so I tell him that I have work I need to finish and I need to focus, so I have no time to chat." That should be the end of that.
posted by davejay at 1:40 PM on November 28, 2011
Repeat as necessary. Ultimately, if he doesn't get the point, and he keeps bothering you or being passive-aggressive, well, that's really his problem, isn't it? And if it becomes a problem that your boss brings to your attention, you can just say "He constantly tries to engage me in conversations about his relationships and other non-work stuff, way beyond simple day-to-day pleasantries, and so I tell him that I have work I need to finish and I need to focus, so I have no time to chat." That should be the end of that.
posted by davejay at 1:40 PM on November 28, 2011
"Look, dude; you're an engineer, I'm an engineer. You're asking me for relationship advice?"
posted by scruss at 1:56 PM on November 28, 2011
posted by scruss at 1:56 PM on November 28, 2011
Response by poster: Hahaha. Seriously thanks for the advice though. It sounds like it is totally acceptable to cut out the whole problem/counselling thing without being a horrible person so I shall endeavor to enact that plan.
I'm not sure the boss angle is where I want to go just yet, but I do have an awesome boss who is good with people issues should I decide I need to go there later.
posted by Feantari at 2:06 PM on November 28, 2011
I'm not sure the boss angle is where I want to go just yet, but I do have an awesome boss who is good with people issues should I decide I need to go there later.
posted by Feantari at 2:06 PM on November 28, 2011
"Wow, I have no idea how to help in this situation."
Learn it. Live it. Love it. Hopefully he will go somewhere else for his counseling.
posted by blurker at 2:40 PM on November 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Learn it. Live it. Love it. Hopefully he will go somewhere else for his counseling.
posted by blurker at 2:40 PM on November 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had a coworker exactly like yours, except even more aggressive in terms of getting attention (like, we would be in the midst of a work-related conversation, and she would start crying about her personal issues).
Telling her directly that I was spending too much time and energy dealing with her problems led to passive-aggressive behavior and gossip-spreading behind my back. What did work was responding to her complaints with polite but generic sympathy ("Wow, that sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry you're dealing with it") and then changing the subject. Preferably back to something work-related ("Do you know how the department's TPS reports are coming along?"). After a month or two, she stopped bringing up her problems to me.
Her central complaint was how unappreciated she was by those around her, and I think her behavior was a form of attention-seeking. It sounds like your situation might be similar...
posted by psycheslamp at 5:31 PM on November 28, 2011
Telling her directly that I was spending too much time and energy dealing with her problems led to passive-aggressive behavior and gossip-spreading behind my back. What did work was responding to her complaints with polite but generic sympathy ("Wow, that sounds like a tough situation, I'm sorry you're dealing with it") and then changing the subject. Preferably back to something work-related ("Do you know how the department's TPS reports are coming along?"). After a month or two, she stopped bringing up her problems to me.
Her central complaint was how unappreciated she was by those around her, and I think her behavior was a form of attention-seeking. It sounds like your situation might be similar...
posted by psycheslamp at 5:31 PM on November 28, 2011
I am a female engineer.
What I've found is that, similar to what psycheslamp said, respond to any and all comments without giving him something to continue from. It's hard for anyone to continue blathering about whatever it is when all you do is non-verbal answers, like "hm" or "oh". You don't have to make a real answer.
There's an oversharing guy at my work now:
"Hey, have you caught the new Call of Duty?"
"No."
The key is not to say it angrily or forcefully, but innocently or as if you were distracted. Shrug and say "Bummer" - the longer your answer, the more likely they'll continue, so "I'm sorry to hear that" can get you more overshare.
The second key I have for you is to control conversation by your body language - if I think a non-work conversation has gone on too long, I'll stand up, say "excuse me", and head to the bathroom. It's awesome, because a male coworker can't follow you there, and if you get comments about "Wow, you go a lot" (which almost never happens), there's your chance to grin and say "Eh, small bladder" or "Keeping hydrated."
If you close up your posture, or start looking back towards your computer or whatever you were doing, that sends the "I need to get back to work" signal. You'll probably be more comfortable with this route at first.
Watch your shoulders and watch your feet - if you merely angle your shoulders away from someone, they'll read it as disinterest. Feet too (which helps with engineers if they primarily look at feet instead of eyes). Break eye contact often by looking away.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:30 PM on November 28, 2011
What I've found is that, similar to what psycheslamp said, respond to any and all comments without giving him something to continue from. It's hard for anyone to continue blathering about whatever it is when all you do is non-verbal answers, like "hm" or "oh". You don't have to make a real answer.
There's an oversharing guy at my work now:
"Hey, have you caught the new Call of Duty?"
"No."
The key is not to say it angrily or forcefully, but innocently or as if you were distracted. Shrug and say "Bummer" - the longer your answer, the more likely they'll continue, so "I'm sorry to hear that" can get you more overshare.
The second key I have for you is to control conversation by your body language - if I think a non-work conversation has gone on too long, I'll stand up, say "excuse me", and head to the bathroom. It's awesome, because a male coworker can't follow you there, and if you get comments about "Wow, you go a lot" (which almost never happens), there's your chance to grin and say "Eh, small bladder" or "Keeping hydrated."
If you close up your posture, or start looking back towards your computer or whatever you were doing, that sends the "I need to get back to work" signal. You'll probably be more comfortable with this route at first.
Watch your shoulders and watch your feet - if you merely angle your shoulders away from someone, they'll read it as disinterest. Feet too (which helps with engineers if they primarily look at feet instead of eyes). Break eye contact often by looking away.
posted by bookdragoness at 7:30 PM on November 28, 2011
I don't want to be his counselor person, but am not sure how to convey that without being a jerk (He can be super passive aggressive. I hate that crap and do not want any of it directed my way).
I'm fine with staying friends with the guy, and that seems the best thing for my work environment?, but I am starting to feel like I should be getting paid for services rendered. Perhaps I am thus a bad friend, but if so, so be it.
Whoa. This guy is not your friend. He's using you shamelessly and probably getting off on it to some extent (as a power-trip, I don't mean specifically sexually). OF COURSE he's putting you in the role of "kind/caregiving female." It's not as if he's asking you for engineering advice, now is he?
You don't need to be in a one-sided friendship to a passive-aggressive jerk in order to be a good team player at your job. And at the expense of your own work time?! No way.
I concur with repeating "Sorry, [person], I have work I need to finish, and I need to focus. No time to chat" in a pleasant tone of voice ad infinitum.
posted by desuetude at 9:35 PM on November 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm fine with staying friends with the guy, and that seems the best thing for my work environment?, but I am starting to feel like I should be getting paid for services rendered. Perhaps I am thus a bad friend, but if so, so be it.
Whoa. This guy is not your friend. He's using you shamelessly and probably getting off on it to some extent (as a power-trip, I don't mean specifically sexually). OF COURSE he's putting you in the role of "kind/caregiving female." It's not as if he's asking you for engineering advice, now is he?
You don't need to be in a one-sided friendship to a passive-aggressive jerk in order to be a good team player at your job. And at the expense of your own work time?! No way.
I concur with repeating "Sorry, [person], I have work I need to finish, and I need to focus. No time to chat" in a pleasant tone of voice ad infinitum.
posted by desuetude at 9:35 PM on November 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Ideally this conversation happens after you talk to your boss about how this guy keeps interrupting you, so he knows to back you up and/or rescue you if needed. (I'm assuming your boss is male - if not, you may get better mileage telling her a bit more of the story.) It's a perfect out and you can repeat that statement until he breaks himself of the habit.
Break time is trickier, but my advice would be if you don't want to be his counselor, don't counsel him. Nod, shrug, go "Mm-hmm," and when he pauses to take a breath, change the subject. You can be totally friendly and still decline to talk about his personal life more than you want to.
If he's a passive-aggressive asshole about it, well, it sounds like he's a passive-aggressive asshole in general, and you can't cure that. But at that point it's his problem.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:21 PM on November 28, 2011 [2 favorites]