Innovate My Trash Talk
November 24, 2011 6:50 PM Subscribe
I need some ideas for G-rated name-calling.
The scenario: I am right, and another family member is wrong*. Maybe we're playing a game. Maybe a kid is trying to pull a fast one. Cue rounds of "That's what you think, buddy/missy, but you're WRONG!" and "Burrrrrrrrrn!"
I'd like to amp up my game vis-a-vis the lighthearted argument. That's where you come in.I'm stuck on a rotation of buddy, bucko, buster, missy, kid, and the occasional variation on "Liar McLiarstein!" Clearly I need a little help here in coming up with novel names with a little-but-not-too-much sting to them.
Since we are a family who love each other, actual insults are way out of bounds. This means no swearing, nothing hurtful, no playground versions of actual insults ("poopoohead" is not what I'm looking for.) "CHEATING CHEATER!" is about as far as that goes.
Soooo watcha got? (Other advice for conducting fun, kindergarten-friendly trash talk also welcome.)
* This might not be strictly accurate.
The scenario: I am right, and another family member is wrong*. Maybe we're playing a game. Maybe a kid is trying to pull a fast one. Cue rounds of "That's what you think, buddy/missy, but you're WRONG!" and "Burrrrrrrrrn!"
I'd like to amp up my game vis-a-vis the lighthearted argument. That's where you come in.I'm stuck on a rotation of buddy, bucko, buster, missy, kid, and the occasional variation on "Liar McLiarstein!" Clearly I need a little help here in coming up with novel names with a little-but-not-too-much sting to them.
Since we are a family who love each other, actual insults are way out of bounds. This means no swearing, nothing hurtful, no playground versions of actual insults ("poopoohead" is not what I'm looking for.) "CHEATING CHEATER!" is about as far as that goes.
Soooo watcha got? (Other advice for conducting fun, kindergarten-friendly trash talk also welcome.)
* This might not be strictly accurate.
Mr Potatohead
Mr Magoo
Yellow bellied sapsucker
Lily livered lollipop
posted by shoesietart at 7:00 PM on November 24, 2011
Mr Magoo
Yellow bellied sapsucker
Lily livered lollipop
posted by shoesietart at 7:00 PM on November 24, 2011
The Three Stooges are great for this. You Chowder head! Oh, a wiseguy, eh?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:05 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:05 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Captain Haddock Curses!
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2011 [7 favorites]
Doofus McButterpants.
posted by superlibby at 7:16 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by superlibby at 7:16 PM on November 24, 2011
Nonsensical animal kennings, like fish-legged or spider-winged or cat-hoofed.
posted by Edogy at 7:16 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by Edogy at 7:16 PM on November 24, 2011
Nerf herder
posted by asockpuppet at 7:23 PM on November 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by asockpuppet at 7:23 PM on November 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
Nellie Olsen
posted by asockpuppet at 7:26 PM on November 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by asockpuppet at 7:26 PM on November 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
Well, color YOU badd.
posted by asockpuppet at 7:28 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by asockpuppet at 7:28 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mr. Fancypants
Nerd Burglar
Cheesemonger
Silly Billy
Pimple Popper
Funky Monkey
Varmint
Nincompoop
Dandy Randy
Duck-Billed Platypus
posted by erstwhile at 7:30 PM on November 24, 2011
Nerd Burglar
Cheesemonger
Silly Billy
Pimple Popper
Funky Monkey
Varmint
Nincompoop
Dandy Randy
Duck-Billed Platypus
posted by erstwhile at 7:30 PM on November 24, 2011
The answers to this previous question tend more toward the vulgar, but there are quite a few g-rated, good-natured nicknames sprinkled throughout as well.
posted by Dojie at 7:32 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by Dojie at 7:32 PM on November 24, 2011
Best answer: I linked to one answer instead of the whole thread. If it weren't Thanksgiving, I would ask a mod to fix it, but since it is - here is the actual question.
posted by Dojie at 7:34 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by Dojie at 7:34 PM on November 24, 2011
Dingus, mook, monkey, dorkus [optionally followed by 'malorkus'], and fartstorm are some of my go-to fit-for-broadcast-radio pejoratives.
posted by invitapriore at 7:35 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by invitapriore at 7:35 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Liar liar pants on fire!
posted by smokingmonkey at 7:35 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by smokingmonkey at 7:35 PM on November 24, 2011
I'm not sure if this entirely answers your question, but here's a list of all the insults and comebacks in the insult-swordfighting mini-game in Monkey Island. At the very least, if you get the sense of the rhythm, it will do wonders for your impromptu responses.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:38 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:38 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
I've always been a fan of "feckless cad," but it may not be the best choice for your particular situation.
posted by phunniemee at 7:40 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by phunniemee at 7:40 PM on November 24, 2011
You Goob!
Curse you and the horse/boat/train you came in on.
Oh hellmit ( hell and dammit combined.) Not exactly what you're looking for...but I think it's funny.
Eat my Dust.
posted by hot_monster at 7:44 PM on November 24, 2011
Curse you and the horse/boat/train you came in on.
Oh hellmit ( hell and dammit combined.) Not exactly what you're looking for...but I think it's funny.
Eat my Dust.
posted by hot_monster at 7:44 PM on November 24, 2011
Nice catch, blanco niño! Too bad your butt got saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacked!
posted by ignignokt at 7:46 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by ignignokt at 7:46 PM on November 24, 2011
Best answer: Always been a fan of cake sniffer.
posted by degoao at 7:51 PM on November 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by degoao at 7:51 PM on November 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Just remembered some more.
Mother Scratcher!
Gorramm you! From Firefly
Doofenshmirtz. From Phineas and Ferb?
I totally smurfed you!
You Sungglebunny!
posted by hot_monster at 7:51 PM on November 24, 2011
Mother Scratcher!
Gorramm you! From Firefly
Doofenshmirtz. From Phineas and Ferb?
I totally smurfed you!
You Sungglebunny!
posted by hot_monster at 7:51 PM on November 24, 2011
Best answer: When my son was in preschool and he told me one of the other kids was calling him names, I taught him to reply with "You, sir, have the boorish manners of a Yale man."
It went over pretty well with the teachers and left the other kid baffled.
posted by bondcliff at 7:57 PM on November 24, 2011 [44 favorites]
It went over pretty well with the teachers and left the other kid baffled.
posted by bondcliff at 7:57 PM on November 24, 2011 [44 favorites]
Best answer: Not all of these work (since some are really just general expressions of annoyance with the world in general rather than insults) but the Shakespearean Insult generator is useful for this kind of thing.
posted by jrochest at 8:10 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jrochest at 8:10 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pulled this one out today actually, got a round of laughs: "Yeah? I think your mom regrets you!" Make sure to say it in an obviously comical tone though...
posted by TheMidnightHobo at 8:15 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by TheMidnightHobo at 8:15 PM on November 24, 2011
Do you smell burning, because your pants are on fire! Liar!
posted by markblasco at 8:16 PM on November 24, 2011
posted by markblasco at 8:16 PM on November 24, 2011
My brother used to use this one as a kid (yes, we're an odd family):
"You sniffer of other people's grannies!"
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:41 PM on November 24, 2011
"You sniffer of other people's grannies!"
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:41 PM on November 24, 2011
All of these are care of the ex-Prime Minister of Australia, Paul Keating, many of which were delivered in Parliament. You're welcome.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:43 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:43 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
FILTH WIZARD
posted by elizardbits at 8:47 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 8:47 PM on November 24, 2011 [5 favorites]
whimsical insulting names:
whangdoodle
flibbertigibbet
so-and-so
cupcake
kneebiter
lolliopop licker
munchkin
grasshopper
hoi polloi
twinkletoes
walter mitty
alternatively, you could pretty much just mine the collected works of lewis carroll, dr. seuss, and roald dahl.
g-rated ways to tell someone off:
oh, go make jazz hands or something, wilya?
oh, go fly a kite.
who wants a game of 52-card pickup?
do me a favor and count all the leaves in the yard.
oh hark, what light in yon window breaks? why, the flames from your lying pants!
might want to wash that smirk off your face--you don't want it to freeze that way.
posted by elizeh at 8:49 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
whangdoodle
flibbertigibbet
so-and-so
cupcake
kneebiter
lolliopop licker
munchkin
grasshopper
hoi polloi
twinkletoes
walter mitty
alternatively, you could pretty much just mine the collected works of lewis carroll, dr. seuss, and roald dahl.
g-rated ways to tell someone off:
oh, go make jazz hands or something, wilya?
oh, go fly a kite.
who wants a game of 52-card pickup?
do me a favor and count all the leaves in the yard.
oh hark, what light in yon window breaks? why, the flames from your lying pants!
might want to wash that smirk off your face--you don't want it to freeze that way.
posted by elizeh at 8:49 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. "
Not sure if that's too insulting ("elderberries?? Them are fighting words!")
posted by el io at 8:52 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not sure if that's too insulting ("elderberries?? Them are fighting words!")
posted by el io at 8:52 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Prime Minister of Wrongistan
Connor McWrong of the clan McWrong
Wrongo, Lord of the Wrongle
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:53 PM on November 24, 2011 [10 favorites]
Connor McWrong of the clan McWrong
Wrongo, Lord of the Wrongle
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:53 PM on November 24, 2011 [10 favorites]
I get pretty good traction out of "your mom's a whatever we were talking about" Example: You're a cheating cheater pants! Response: Your mom's a cheating cheater pants!
Repeat until it's funny.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:11 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Repeat until it's funny.
posted by Weeping_angel at 9:11 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Start watching this scene from Hook at about 2:45. My cousins and I could do this verbatim at the dinner table when we were little. God, it drove our parents crazy.
Sorry, I don't know how to do that cool thing where the youtube video starts at exactly the right place.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:42 PM on November 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sorry, I don't know how to do that cool thing where the youtube video starts at exactly the right place.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:42 PM on November 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Came in here to direct you to that scene from Hook, but dchrssyr beat me to it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:03 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:03 PM on November 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hooplehead.
posted by auto-correct at 10:54 PM on November 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by auto-correct at 10:54 PM on November 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
What you need are childish comebacks to their childish insults. I would go with the "whatever" series of hand gestures.
(use thumbs and index fingers of both hands to make "W" in front of forehead)
say: "Whatever!"
And we can just go on from there...
(do the "W", then flip it upside-down to an "M")
in time with that, say: "Whatever, moron."
And on...
(do the "W", take your left hand down so you have one "L", turn your hand 90 degrees around the vertical so that they just see one finger pointing up, then tilt it down 90 to point at them)
in time with that, say: "Welcome to Loserville, population 1, you!"
And on...
(do the "W", then add the middle fingers alongside the index fingers, then tilt it to the right)
in time with that, say: "Whatever, bold, italic."
And on...
(do the "W", flip to the "M", flip back up and turn left hand around so you have two "L"s, then turn both 90 degrees so they're pointing right)
in time with that, say: "Whatever, moron, the loser lounge is that way."
I think you get the idea. And by the way if any of you know any more of these, I'd love to hear them so that I can show my friends (who taught me all of these) some that they *don't* already know.
posted by madmethods at 11:43 PM on November 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
(use thumbs and index fingers of both hands to make "W" in front of forehead)
say: "Whatever!"
And we can just go on from there...
(do the "W", then flip it upside-down to an "M")
in time with that, say: "Whatever, moron."
And on...
(do the "W", take your left hand down so you have one "L", turn your hand 90 degrees around the vertical so that they just see one finger pointing up, then tilt it down 90 to point at them)
in time with that, say: "Welcome to Loserville, population 1, you!"
And on...
(do the "W", then add the middle fingers alongside the index fingers, then tilt it to the right)
in time with that, say: "Whatever, bold, italic."
And on...
(do the "W", flip to the "M", flip back up and turn left hand around so you have two "L"s, then turn both 90 degrees so they're pointing right)
in time with that, say: "Whatever, moron, the loser lounge is that way."
I think you get the idea. And by the way if any of you know any more of these, I'd love to hear them so that I can show my friends (who taught me all of these) some that they *don't* already know.
posted by madmethods at 11:43 PM on November 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
Mustardbutt.
posted by ian1977 at 12:08 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ian1977 at 12:08 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Shakespearean: thou cream-faced loon!
Someone else: you are an evanescent nincompoop of the lowest cerebral classification.
posted by tel3path at 12:51 AM on November 25, 2011
Someone else: you are an evanescent nincompoop of the lowest cerebral classification.
posted by tel3path at 12:51 AM on November 25, 2011
Best answer: It's kind of archaic, but I really love the word blackguard (pronounced blaggard, natch.)
posted by Ted Maul at 1:33 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by Ted Maul at 1:33 AM on November 25, 2011
And by the way if any of you know any more of these, I'd love to hear them so that I can show my friends (who taught me all of these) some that they *don't* already know.
I've seen kids do the W-M-W-M for 'Whatever, your Mother Works at MacDonald's"
posted by honey-barbara at 4:34 AM on November 25, 2011
I've seen kids do the W-M-W-M for 'Whatever, your Mother Works at MacDonald's"
posted by honey-barbara at 4:34 AM on November 25, 2011
Merriam-Webster has this lovely list of Top 10 Rare & Amusing Insults.
posted by Kattullus at 4:41 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by Kattullus at 4:41 AM on November 25, 2011
Fudge-pickle
posted by blue_beetle at 5:27 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by blue_beetle at 5:27 AM on November 25, 2011
Wally
Spoon
Billy (short for silly billy)
Nitwit
Foolish child (good for someone the same age as you)
Infant (good for someone only a year or so younger than you)
Dingbat
Derpy
posted by h00py at 6:16 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Spoon
Billy (short for silly billy)
Nitwit
Foolish child (good for someone the same age as you)
Infant (good for someone only a year or so younger than you)
Dingbat
Derpy
posted by h00py at 6:16 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: This is really amazing! Keep it coming!
Also note that, um, insulting your own children's mother when you are in fact their mother is... poor strategy...
posted by Andrhia at 6:29 AM on November 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Also note that, um, insulting your own children's mother when you are in fact their mother is... poor strategy...
posted by Andrhia at 6:29 AM on November 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Hambone Swineshanks, my grandmother's eternal fave. I saw her address an attorney in that manner, in open court. It caused tittering.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 6:34 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by halfbuckaroo at 6:34 AM on November 25, 2011
I just came in to reccomend the hook scene and saw that dchrssyr beat me to it.
you lewd crude rude bag of pre-chewed food dude!
Substitute chemistry teacher!
posted by rubyrudy at 6:54 AM on November 25, 2011
you lewd crude rude bag of pre-chewed food dude!
Substitute chemistry teacher!
posted by rubyrudy at 6:54 AM on November 25, 2011
oh, and h00py, smeghead is ruder than you might think!
posted by rubyrudy at 6:59 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rubyrudy at 6:59 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know, smegma is such a lovely word. You don't have to tell them, though! I sometimes use the word 'spatula' as an expletive. Long 's', explosive 'p' 'chala' thrown out with abandon. It's a good one but has to be used sparingly.
posted by h00py at 7:03 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by h00py at 7:03 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Scamp. Rapscallion. Incorrigible whelp. Poltroon. Addlepated buffoon.
Etc.
posted by Decani at 7:06 AM on November 25, 2011
Etc.
posted by Decani at 7:06 AM on November 25, 2011
Best answer: Gumby
Noddlepate
Gudgeon
Scoundrel
Guttersnipe
Turkey
Muppet
Donkey
posted by h00py at 7:22 AM on November 25, 2011
Noddlepate
Gudgeon
Scoundrel
Guttersnipe
Turkey
Muppet
Donkey
posted by h00py at 7:22 AM on November 25, 2011
Republican.
posted by swift at 7:39 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by swift at 7:39 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
2nding Doofus
Goober
Gomer Pyle
and all names can be turned into Goober McGoobernose/McGooberpants/Gooberson, and can be lengthened to Goober McGoobernose O'Gooberpants Gooberson, 14th Lord of Goobopolis
Doofus Doofypants
Your Lorship Gomer of Pyle
I believe you have a bad case of Gooberitis, c'mere, I want to see if you have a fever.
You need a doofusectomy, let me get the Dremel.
Suffering Gomer's Pyles, Goober Syndrome, you need a hug/pill(vitamin)/trip to Gooberville.
Who do you think you are? George W Bush? Margaret Thatcher? His Holiness the Dalai Lama? Insert news figures as needed.
If child is Petey Parker, then Mister Peter Aloysius Henry Royce Henderson-Parker (make up as many names as you can), what in the world did you just say??
Or, learn lots of stupid pirate slang, and deploy liberally. Of course, Talk like a Pirate Day becomes a major family holiday.
posted by theora55 at 9:02 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Goober
Gomer Pyle
and all names can be turned into Goober McGoobernose/McGooberpants/Gooberson, and can be lengthened to Goober McGoobernose O'Gooberpants Gooberson, 14th Lord of Goobopolis
Doofus Doofypants
Your Lorship Gomer of Pyle
I believe you have a bad case of Gooberitis, c'mere, I want to see if you have a fever.
You need a doofusectomy, let me get the Dremel.
Suffering Gomer's Pyles, Goober Syndrome, you need a hug/pill(vitamin)/trip to Gooberville.
Who do you think you are? George W Bush? Margaret Thatcher? His Holiness the Dalai Lama? Insert news figures as needed.
If child is Petey Parker, then Mister Peter Aloysius Henry Royce Henderson-Parker (make up as many names as you can), what in the world did you just say??
Or, learn lots of stupid pirate slang, and deploy liberally. Of course, Talk like a Pirate Day becomes a major family holiday.
posted by theora55 at 9:02 AM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I like 'goon' a lot at the moment...
posted by doozer_ex_machina at 9:14 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by doozer_ex_machina at 9:14 AM on November 25, 2011
Take a long walk off a short pier.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:27 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by Confess, Fletch at 9:27 AM on November 25, 2011
A teacher in 3rd grade advised us to go with "You pumpernickel!" on the assumption that the other 3rd graders wouldn't know the word. Along the same lines, I remember middle schoolers finding "Your epidermis is showing!" pretty giggle-worthy.
posted by aka burlap at 9:35 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by aka burlap at 9:35 AM on November 25, 2011
Pick an animal, adjective or an already existing nickname
add -pants, -head, -face, or -butt
thus:
busterface
goosehead
sillypants
clownbutt
= instant insult
posted by Mchelly at 11:51 AM on November 25, 2011
add -pants, -head, -face, or -butt
thus:
busterface
goosehead
sillypants
clownbutt
= instant insult
posted by Mchelly at 11:51 AM on November 25, 2011
I'm also a big fan of Chester P. MacGillicuddy, which may or may not be fictional.
posted by Mchelly at 11:51 AM on November 25, 2011
posted by Mchelly at 11:51 AM on November 25, 2011
Best answer: Who knows what constitutes a non-insulting insult in your family, but:
"Why, you _________:"
Mollypop Noggin
Pumpy-tongued Gingersmell
Miltering Wall-mouth
Late-arriving air-jet
Gabbering fleshsock
Hoof-smelling Fabulist
Chowderfloat
Hopping Testosteroid
Creaky McToiletsqueak
Admirer of pondwater
Bilge muffin
Scampering Mothburden
Clammy-handed sniffer of radiator steam
Mariska Hargitay
posted by AndNeverWell at 3:17 PM on November 25, 2011
"Why, you _________:"
Mollypop Noggin
Pumpy-tongued Gingersmell
Miltering Wall-mouth
Late-arriving air-jet
Gabbering fleshsock
Hoof-smelling Fabulist
Chowderfloat
Hopping Testosteroid
Creaky McToiletsqueak
Admirer of pondwater
Bilge muffin
Scampering Mothburden
Clammy-handed sniffer of radiator steam
Mariska Hargitay
posted by AndNeverWell at 3:17 PM on November 25, 2011
Also, if you're looking for a time-tested formula, try adding "human" or "barnacled" to the beginning of any combination of words, e.g.:
you human plundermike
you barnacled miffwhistle
you swatch-throated human barnaclebelt
posted by AndNeverWell at 3:38 PM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
you human plundermike
you barnacled miffwhistle
you swatch-throated human barnaclebelt
posted by AndNeverWell at 3:38 PM on November 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
cappa frak
posted by eddydamascene at 11:31 PM on November 25, 2011
posted by eddydamascene at 11:31 PM on November 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by genekelly'srollerskates at 6:57 PM on November 24, 2011 [7 favorites]