mo dateable?
November 18, 2011 4:05 PM Subscribe
How do I develop a sane approach to meeting Mr. Right?
I'm an upbeat, positive, smart person. I'm in my 30s, and I'd like to meet Mr. Right sometime in, say, the next five years or so. I feel like I'm ready for something serious, and I know what personal qualities are important to me. Thing is, whenever I meet a guy who seems great, I get *way* overexcited about him and quickly develop an elaborate mental future for us. I think, psychologically, this must have something to do with a sense of urgency, and a sense that I'm just really excited to develop something meaningful, give and receive love, etc. etc. I've been single for a few years now-- maybe that's part of it.
I am approached by men pretty frequently-- at a recent work event, a cute guy crossed the room to meet and talk to me, and then we chatted for a while, and then he was like, "Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project." I was just getting warmed up, and he jetted!
I think what I'm looking for is advice on how to not get too carried away when I first meet someone with potential, how to project "calm, confident, irresistible" rather than, uh, the opposite.
All advice welcome. :)
I'm an upbeat, positive, smart person. I'm in my 30s, and I'd like to meet Mr. Right sometime in, say, the next five years or so. I feel like I'm ready for something serious, and I know what personal qualities are important to me. Thing is, whenever I meet a guy who seems great, I get *way* overexcited about him and quickly develop an elaborate mental future for us. I think, psychologically, this must have something to do with a sense of urgency, and a sense that I'm just really excited to develop something meaningful, give and receive love, etc. etc. I've been single for a few years now-- maybe that's part of it.
I am approached by men pretty frequently-- at a recent work event, a cute guy crossed the room to meet and talk to me, and then we chatted for a while, and then he was like, "Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project." I was just getting warmed up, and he jetted!
I think what I'm looking for is advice on how to not get too carried away when I first meet someone with potential, how to project "calm, confident, irresistible" rather than, uh, the opposite.
All advice welcome. :)
I think you need to remember that "Mr Right" needs to be assessed as any candidate for a long term job. Over time. It takes a while for the crazy to come out.
Of course you're projecting all sorts of stuff. Lots of folk do. Just remember to keep your excitement toned down in public. It's offputting to most people. The folk that it doesn't put off are usually emotionally unstable, in my experience.
It's a two way street this dating thing. While they obviously have to like you, they must also pass your muster too.
posted by taff at 4:35 PM on November 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Of course you're projecting all sorts of stuff. Lots of folk do. Just remember to keep your excitement toned down in public. It's offputting to most people. The folk that it doesn't put off are usually emotionally unstable, in my experience.
It's a two way street this dating thing. While they obviously have to like you, they must also pass your muster too.
posted by taff at 4:35 PM on November 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Remember your personal passions. You can be thinking to yourself, "Well, this is a nice chat, but I'm looking forward to finishing X project/prepping for marathon/choir practice/cupcake baking, so I'll enjoy this fleeting thing but I know I have much more satisfying thing waiting for me."
People like other people who are passionate about something, as well.
posted by griselda at 4:42 PM on November 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
People like other people who are passionate about something, as well.
posted by griselda at 4:42 PM on November 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'd like to meet Mr. Right sometime in, say, the next five years or so
Are you sure this is true? Reading your post, it sounds like you'd like to meet Mr. Right in the next six months.
Regardless of your own timeline, you need to be honest with yourself; and if you do want to find your person sooner rather than later, you need to own it. Maybe you could join an online dating site geared towards long-term commitment, and be frank about your intentions to find a life partner there. If you know you have a plan actively in place to reach your goals, it might take some of the pressure off of your in-person encounters.
If I'm totally off-base, and five years would be fine with you, then yes--I agree with the others. Hobbies, becoming a genuinely interesting person, and distraction work wonders. So do self-imposed limits: "I'm going to talk to this person for five minutes and then excuse myself to the coatroom to do some deep-breathing exercises to calm the OMGs".
posted by stellaluna at 4:47 PM on November 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
Are you sure this is true? Reading your post, it sounds like you'd like to meet Mr. Right in the next six months.
Regardless of your own timeline, you need to be honest with yourself; and if you do want to find your person sooner rather than later, you need to own it. Maybe you could join an online dating site geared towards long-term commitment, and be frank about your intentions to find a life partner there. If you know you have a plan actively in place to reach your goals, it might take some of the pressure off of your in-person encounters.
If I'm totally off-base, and five years would be fine with you, then yes--I agree with the others. Hobbies, becoming a genuinely interesting person, and distraction work wonders. So do self-imposed limits: "I'm going to talk to this person for five minutes and then excuse myself to the coatroom to do some deep-breathing exercises to calm the OMGs".
posted by stellaluna at 4:47 PM on November 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
Do all you can to overlook, forget or ignore that mental countdown, and find happiness in yourself. You may find a great guy tomorrow, or in a year out, but trying to set a deadline will force you to evaluate guys as if they are the last option, selling yourself short in the process.
A co-worker of mine got married, and somehow in discussing their then upcoming wedding, she said something to the effect that he was her last chance. I think she was in her early 40s, but I was sad for her, because people get married at lots of ages, and I worried that she wasn't happy by/for herself, or was putting too much stock in some social pressure to be settled. My grandfather got re-married in his late 50s or early 60s, and they were happily married until he passed away, in his 80s.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:51 PM on November 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
A co-worker of mine got married, and somehow in discussing their then upcoming wedding, she said something to the effect that he was her last chance. I think she was in her early 40s, but I was sad for her, because people get married at lots of ages, and I worried that she wasn't happy by/for herself, or was putting too much stock in some social pressure to be settled. My grandfather got re-married in his late 50s or early 60s, and they were happily married until he passed away, in his 80s.
posted by filthy light thief at 4:51 PM on November 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: WRONG:
"Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project."
"OK. Nice chatting with you. Bye."
This is usually followed by self-pity, ice cream and self-loathing, in that order.
RIGHT:
"Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project."
"Wait. I was just getting warmed up. You want to get a beer?"
There are three possible answers to this.
* "No." <> * "Not right now." <> * "Yes." <-- this is Mr. Right
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:53 PM on November 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
"Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project."
"OK. Nice chatting with you. Bye."
This is usually followed by self-pity, ice cream and self-loathing, in that order.
RIGHT:
"Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project."
"Wait. I was just getting warmed up. You want to get a beer?"
There are three possible answers to this.
* "No." <> * "Not right now." <> * "Yes." <-- this is Mr. Right
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:53 PM on November 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
Response by poster: excellent point, stellaluna. you are an excellent between-the-lines reader.
i think 6mos-1yr would be ideal, but i want to be realistic and patient, too. :)
posted by airguitar2 at 5:13 PM on November 18, 2011
i think 6mos-1yr would be ideal, but i want to be realistic and patient, too. :)
posted by airguitar2 at 5:13 PM on November 18, 2011
Best answer: Remind yourself that who you're talking to isn't that special. I mean, he is special in an individual, human way with all the of amazing stories and traits that make someone unique. But he isn't pedestal worthy special, because no one is pedestal worthy special. No one is pedestal worthy special (just repeating because I like this point). And instead of focusing on whether or not he likes you, pay attention to whether or not you like him. Notice what you think and feel when you're talking to him. I advocate this not so much as a weeding out sort of thing (although it will inevitably do that), but because it's a self-esteem booster. When you listen to yourself, pay attention, and take pleasure in your own observations, you become much more confident. Listening to yourself and being at ease with what you hear, liking yourself, is the key to genuine confidence, I believe. If you can do it consistently, I think you'll also be in less of a rush, and will be satisfied (somewhat) to let whatever happen.
posted by amodelcitizen at 6:04 PM on November 18, 2011 [15 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 6:04 PM on November 18, 2011 [15 favorites]
Best answer: How genuinely confident are you now? If you can look yourself in the eye and determine that your sense of value comes from adherence to your core beliefs, rather than from your job, status, etc., well, you are really onto something. A person at peace with herself and her surroundings is *very* attractive.
However, since we do live in the material world, there are other things to consider:
A key component to true confidence is fitness-- both internal and external. If you have issues with past relationships that are holding you back from being emotionally vulnerable, therapy is the way to go. If your body isn't fit and healthy, your dating pool will necessarily be smaller, and fewer men will be receptive to you. Cruel but true-- when I grew my hair out and dropped from a six 8 to 2, I had significantly more dating options than ever before, and my weight and hair were the ONLY things that had changed. I represent this as an anecdotal finding, but I've read a lot of scientific studies that support this over the years, though the titles escape me now.
Two years ago I experienced the sense of urgency you're describing, and decided it was a natural biological imperative, rather than a forced societal norm, and decided to get a move on. I put myself out there and found my partner of the last two years.
Please don't let anyone tell you finding Mr. Right isn't as important as any other life goal you have, shame you into thinking such beliefs are anti-feminist or tell you just to passively wait around. You're smart, being in love is awesome, go you for putting yourself out there!
posted by devymetal at 6:23 PM on November 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
However, since we do live in the material world, there are other things to consider:
A key component to true confidence is fitness-- both internal and external. If you have issues with past relationships that are holding you back from being emotionally vulnerable, therapy is the way to go. If your body isn't fit and healthy, your dating pool will necessarily be smaller, and fewer men will be receptive to you. Cruel but true-- when I grew my hair out and dropped from a six 8 to 2, I had significantly more dating options than ever before, and my weight and hair were the ONLY things that had changed. I represent this as an anecdotal finding, but I've read a lot of scientific studies that support this over the years, though the titles escape me now.
Two years ago I experienced the sense of urgency you're describing, and decided it was a natural biological imperative, rather than a forced societal norm, and decided to get a move on. I put myself out there and found my partner of the last two years.
Please don't let anyone tell you finding Mr. Right isn't as important as any other life goal you have, shame you into thinking such beliefs are anti-feminist or tell you just to passively wait around. You're smart, being in love is awesome, go you for putting yourself out there!
posted by devymetal at 6:23 PM on November 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
Keep in mind that Mr. Right isn't so much a person as a relationship with a person.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:36 PM on November 18, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 7:36 PM on November 18, 2011 [7 favorites]
My answer in a previous thread:
This is nature's way of getting you pregnant. So picture him at 40 sitting on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other while you look after the kids.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:40 PM on November 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
This is nature's way of getting you pregnant. So picture him at 40 sitting on the couch with the remote in one hand and a beer in the other while you look after the kids.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:40 PM on November 18, 2011 [9 favorites]
Are you pretty shy by chance? I am, and I think shy women like us tend to not always show our feelings and expression on the outside; hence when we like people they usually have no idea and might get discouraged. I have this issue too- I sort of freeze up when talking to someone I am attracted to and they kind of taper off. The result is that only men with no boundaries wind up persisting. (the politically-incorrect terms for these men is "creeps").
So I am in the same boat, but I think you could get some cues from more outgoing women about flirting. Or maybe just observe people at parties. I've heard a drink or two helps too. (now, off to take my own advice!)
posted by bearette at 8:51 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
So I am in the same boat, but I think you could get some cues from more outgoing women about flirting. Or maybe just observe people at parties. I've heard a drink or two helps too. (now, off to take my own advice!)
posted by bearette at 8:51 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When you meet Mr. Right, you will think two things:
-- "Wow, this person is really interesting! I want to keep hanging out!"
-- "Wow, this person finds me really interesting! They will want to keep hanging out if I just keep being myself [talking about your various interests etc.]!"
Screen every guy you think you have potential with to see if you are feeling BOTH these ways. If you are, do as Cool Papa suggests above and make your move! (i.e. make the explicit proposal, "Let's keep hanging out!", because Mr. Right SO wants to!)
posted by anotherthink at 9:23 PM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
-- "Wow, this person is really interesting! I want to keep hanging out!"
-- "Wow, this person finds me really interesting! They will want to keep hanging out if I just keep being myself [talking about your various interests etc.]!"
Screen every guy you think you have potential with to see if you are feeling BOTH these ways. If you are, do as Cool Papa suggests above and make your move! (i.e. make the explicit proposal, "Let's keep hanging out!", because Mr. Right SO wants to!)
posted by anotherthink at 9:23 PM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
I know wants are pretty powerful things, but putting a deadline on this can have unintended consequences. What if you DON'T meet Mr. Right int he next 5 years? Do you settle for Mr. 'well at least he picks his socks up', or do you feel like a failure for not finding someone?
My only advise, is to
1- ditch the timeline,
2 - keep looking but don't let it consume your life continue doing the things you enjoy and that make you an interesting and fulfilled person
3 - walk the line between desperation and looking for perfection, one leads to bad choices and the other is a fantasy.
4 - Practice meditation or something else that keeps you mindful and helps you from having the runaway thoughts when you meet potential partners.
posted by edgeways at 9:40 PM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
My only advise, is to
1- ditch the timeline,
2 - keep looking but don't let it consume your life continue doing the things you enjoy and that make you an interesting and fulfilled person
3 - walk the line between desperation and looking for perfection, one leads to bad choices and the other is a fantasy.
4 - Practice meditation or something else that keeps you mindful and helps you from having the runaway thoughts when you meet potential partners.
posted by edgeways at 9:40 PM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I was you six months ago. I'm on the cusp of turning 30 and I was very eager to find someone to share my life with. I had a long term goal like you say you have (mine was a to find a partner by 2013) but in truth I just wanted to find a partner asap. I very much know that "Okay, I'm ready, where are you?" feeling.
I think what works is to make your goal to make more friends and to approach everyone as potential FRIENDS, not potential Mr. Rights. That was something I had to consciously work at. It helped to keep me casual and relaxed and more comfortable in asking people to hang out more. It is hard to say "Hey, do you want to grab dinner some time?" to someone you see as a potential mate, but it is a lot easier saying that to someone you see as a potential friend. Make the goal to expand your social network. Maybe one of your new friends will be Mr. Right, or maybe a friend of a new friend will be Mr. Right. At the very least, your expanding social network will keep you busy and help to pass the time until you do stumble upon a mate. :)
Good luck!! And remember, you never know where Mr Right will pop up. For me it ended up being one of my best friends. It just took him getting a divorce for us to connect up.
posted by gwenlister at 4:15 AM on November 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think what works is to make your goal to make more friends and to approach everyone as potential FRIENDS, not potential Mr. Rights. That was something I had to consciously work at. It helped to keep me casual and relaxed and more comfortable in asking people to hang out more. It is hard to say "Hey, do you want to grab dinner some time?" to someone you see as a potential mate, but it is a lot easier saying that to someone you see as a potential friend. Make the goal to expand your social network. Maybe one of your new friends will be Mr. Right, or maybe a friend of a new friend will be Mr. Right. At the very least, your expanding social network will keep you busy and help to pass the time until you do stumble upon a mate. :)
Good luck!! And remember, you never know where Mr Right will pop up. For me it ended up being one of my best friends. It just took him getting a divorce for us to connect up.
posted by gwenlister at 4:15 AM on November 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm agreeing with the "Own It" advice. Get online and craft a profile that doesn't sound like you are a crazy husband hunter, but what you actually are- a woman ready to begin a life-partnership. When you meet men IRL you won't have so much pressure to make him be one in the running, especially since you both don't have the benefit of reading each-others profiles.
Relax. enjoy the ride and don't get ahead of yourself. No planning the little picket fence and nursery on the first date. You have too many options to give up the opportunity to really know a dude before settling in.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:23 AM on November 19, 2011
Relax. enjoy the ride and don't get ahead of yourself. No planning the little picket fence and nursery on the first date. You have too many options to give up the opportunity to really know a dude before settling in.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:23 AM on November 19, 2011
Ask members of your community to set you up!
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:51 AM on November 19, 2011
posted by By The Grace of God at 6:51 AM on November 19, 2011
I'm around your age and was single when i turned 30, but timelines didn't really bother me... I think its because I've already been married...from 22-26... and it was a good marriage, we were amazing friends and we've stayed that way- but that has given me a lot of perspective. I knew what it was like to share a life with someone, and I knew/know that its worth waiting for the right guy to share that with- and you can't timeline that.
I also think that sometimes single chicks wonder "will someone ever want to marry me?" not in a self-deprecating way, but in the sense that until you have a man actually look into your eyes and want you forever, you wonder what its like... and if that's out there. It is.
On the dating side- know that you are AMAZING. Anyone is lucky to have a beer with you. Anyone would be lucky to spend a few hours on the town with you.
Online dating is awesome, I've done it a few times just to get out there and get practiced- if it had been a while and I needed to hon my a-game...
posted by misspony at 9:09 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also think that sometimes single chicks wonder "will someone ever want to marry me?" not in a self-deprecating way, but in the sense that until you have a man actually look into your eyes and want you forever, you wonder what its like... and if that's out there. It is.
On the dating side- know that you are AMAZING. Anyone is lucky to have a beer with you. Anyone would be lucky to spend a few hours on the town with you.
Online dating is awesome, I've done it a few times just to get out there and get practiced- if it had been a while and I needed to hon my a-game...
posted by misspony at 9:09 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Well, I'd better get going. Let me know if I can help you with your project." I was just getting warmed up, and he jetted!
why don't you let him know he can help you with your project. to get what you want you are going to have to tip your "i think you're cute" hand a bit more.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:31 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
why don't you let him know he can help you with your project. to get what you want you are going to have to tip your "i think you're cute" hand a bit more.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:31 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
When you meet men, it's not really fair to them or smart for you if you are poised with a grading pen ready to mark a man as Mr Right Material or Reject. Just meet people and take your time.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:38 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:38 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Something that Dan Savage said that I really relate to/agree with is that there is no Mr. Right or "The One." Rather, there is The 0.65 or The 0.85 that we round up to The One. I also think that the basis for a healthy long-term relationship is friendship and you make more friends by meeting more people. So start off not by looking for Mr. Right but someone you enjoy spending time with, just not the rest of your life (yet).
Also, do you have a friend you can call and vent when you feel all OMG OMG OMG? Or someone you can at least text? That might help.
posted by kat518 at 10:49 AM on November 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, do you have a friend you can call and vent when you feel all OMG OMG OMG? Or someone you can at least text? That might help.
posted by kat518 at 10:49 AM on November 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Getting excited about someone new is not a problem, it's part of the fun. The problem is when that impacts your decision-making and demeanor.
Date often - for me this has taken off a lot of the pressure and helped me to idealize less.
Make sure your other needs are getting met as much as you can. Make sure you are secure and that your life is full of friends and fun and meaning.
Make peace with the possibility of not ever finding The One. Knowing deep down that you are fine as a singleton, that you will be OK even if you never find Mr Right (or Mr 85%) takes off some pressure.
Surf some advice columns. A few pages of "I fell madly in love with my husband when we first met but after 5 years I think he's cheating/I'm cheating/he's gay/we never have sex/he's unemployed and won't look for a job/his crazy family moved in with us/he won't do the dishes" always makes me look on the bright side and has the added bonus of being very practical and choosy about new partners.
Also - have some rules for yourself. No matter how excited you are about someone new, give yourself some restraints to slow down the progression. I'm clueless as to what these rules should be or how they should work, but no rules doesn't seem to work so well.
posted by bunderful at 11:29 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Date often - for me this has taken off a lot of the pressure and helped me to idealize less.
Make sure your other needs are getting met as much as you can. Make sure you are secure and that your life is full of friends and fun and meaning.
Make peace with the possibility of not ever finding The One. Knowing deep down that you are fine as a singleton, that you will be OK even if you never find Mr Right (or Mr 85%) takes off some pressure.
Surf some advice columns. A few pages of "I fell madly in love with my husband when we first met but after 5 years I think he's cheating/I'm cheating/he's gay/we never have sex/he's unemployed and won't look for a job/his crazy family moved in with us/he won't do the dishes" always makes me look on the bright side and has the added bonus of being very practical and choosy about new partners.
Also - have some rules for yourself. No matter how excited you are about someone new, give yourself some restraints to slow down the progression. I'm clueless as to what these rules should be or how they should work, but no rules doesn't seem to work so well.
posted by bunderful at 11:29 AM on November 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The most important thing to realize is that "Mr. Right" is not going to be found by searching for him. The best thing you can do right now is live your life. Go out with friends. Make new friends by joining clubs pertaining to your favorite hobbies. Spend time with your family. Enjoy your daily work grind. Overall, just be happy, spend time with loved ones, and take care of yourself. When men see how happy you are, that will make you attractive!
posted by camylanded at 7:48 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by camylanded at 7:48 AM on November 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
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And in the moment, well, be in the moment. I don't know how to make that happen, but I think that's the best way to approach dating in general.
And as to cute guy…don't read too much in to him excusing himself quickly. Could be anything. Could be that he's trying too hard not to get overexcited right off the bat about a cute girl that he's talking to.
posted by adamrice at 4:32 PM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]