Depression is winning and I don't have the funds to fight it.

November 16, 2011 3:23 PM

I'm depressed, sometimes it's to the point where I really feel like giving up. I was depressed before, seen a therapist before, was on medication before, and I recovered. It's back, rearing it's ugly head. Is it always going to be like this? Am I going to fend it off time and again only to have it come back? and where do I find the strength to do that? How can I fight it now, when I don't have the things I had before?

I think I'm smart enough to recognize how I have been feeling lately is because of depression. I think a lot of it has to do with realizing my mother is mortal and she's going to die on me one day. I am exceptionally close to my mother. I still live with her, and because her health is not the best, I am her caretaker. She took care of me, and now I'm taking care of her. Much younger then many people normally have to. My therapist from before once told me that I should move out, because who wants to be living with their mother when they're 40? Well, I have twelve years to go, still.. and what bothers me is not that I might be living with her for that long.. but that she won't be alive to see me turn 40.

I watched my grandmother die slowly, believing all the while that she would recover. This was the first person in my life who passed away and coupled with divorcing parents and graduating high school.. was one of the reasons I grew so depressed in my teenage years.

You have to understand that I am.. I use to be a half glass full sort of person. I always always thought that no matter how bad things were at any given moment, that the future would be better. That everything would turn out okay.

I think I'm starting to realize that everything isn't going to turn out okay. I don't feel right now that it possibly could. I feel like a failure of a adult. Some days I feel like I don't want to live if things aren't going to turn out okay.

So.. there you go. Clear cut signs of depression. Clear signs that I need help. Well, I can't afford help. I have no health insurance. My budget works out to about $30 of "free" spending cash which I promptly store in a savings account just in case my rickety car breaks down. I do not have the money. Probably another reason I'm depressed..

What do I do? Push through and hope that I break the depression before it breaks me? When I was first depressed, I was open about it. I spoke about my feelings to everyone. I scared the shit out of my mother and my boyfriend ran away from me because he was scared I was going to kill myself. I don't feel as though I can lean on anyone now. Not without seeing the same kind of repercussions that I did before.

posted by previously to Health & Fitness (16 answers total)

Is there a free clinic or health department in your area? They most likely have all sorts of services, including counseling and psych evaluation. Even if they don't, their GP can at least get you on some kind of medication to help get you in a better state of being.
posted by jenny76 at 3:37 PM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

I feel for you. I've never had real therapy, and have never been on depression medication. But exactly 1 thing has fixed my lifelong, severe depression (nearly 100%): Working out.

In addition to jenny76's advice, start running or biking, or join a gym if you can afford it. It takes a little time and a lot of work, but it makes all the difference in the world for me.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:50 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you feel like you are thinking of giving up, and that depression is winning, then your budget is irrelevant. It is better to be in debt for the rest of your life than not have one. Your life has value and meaning and, no matter how fucked the health care system is, you can and will get the life-saving medical care you need. Period. Please call Hopeline at 1-800-784-2433 (it is anonymous, and it is free), and just start talking. Please do it tonight.
posted by argonauta at 3:56 PM on November 16, 2011 [6 favorites]

I think if you have a recurring condition, you should become an expert on the subject. If you read as much as you can about depression, you will pick up coping skills and get a better sense of how to manage your symptoms. Between the library and the web, the are a lot of free resources out there. There are many free support groups. Some are directly about depression, but even AA groups are full of people who rebuilt their lives after feeling hopeless. Just substitute depression when people talk about alcohol.
Also, give your old therapist a call. She may be willing to reduce her fee, but if not, she can be a resource for other forms of help. Once you start to expand your support, there will be more options even if you can't afford individual treatment.
Anyone who has battled back from a depression knows it is a lot more then talking to someone once a week. You need to turn the whole world into natural antidepressants. My favorites are exercise, dogs and connections to others. That is why people often find that giving of themselves is a great natural antidepressant. Helping others can be really healing, even if you feel like the one who needs help.
posted by DTHEASH1 at 4:07 PM on November 16, 2011

I can relate EXACTLY to feeling like it would never get better, and if it did, it would just get worse again. That's exactly how I feel when I'm depressed - like getting better is useless, because I'll just get depressed again. I am not depressed right now, and I don't feel like that at all right now. From my current non-depressed perspective, I can tell you that it is not always going to be like this, you are not always going to be fighting it, and it can and will get better.

I had a really different experience with severe depression that the above posters. Things like exercise were not really that helpful. What helped me was therapy and medication.

If you can get into a low cost clinic and get a prescription for a generic SSRI, that might be a first step. Some of the generic SSRIs cost $4 a month (or $10 for 3 months), which you could fit into your budget.

I would definitely look into free or sliding scale therapy, including group therapy. Try out multiple therapists and multiple groups, if that's what it takes. Look into public health insurance, if there's any possibility that you qualify, and look into disability, if there's any possibility that you qualify.
posted by insectosaurus at 4:48 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Working out or ANY kind of physical activity is great for depression. It totally fires up your synapses and chemicals and helps you feel more balanced.

I also agree with jenny76. I just googled up psychiactric care and meds for low income and found lots of things available. If you limit the search to your area/locale you should be able to find something better.

Kudos to you for being so self aware and asking about it now. Because of that you're already off to a good start.
posted by snsranch at 4:50 PM on November 16, 2011

A lot of therapists have sliding scales. Don't rule out therapy because of money. I'm really impressed that you save all your extra money, by the way. That isn't easy.

Books are good, too. I like the Mindful Way Through Depression. It's a good one. Go to the library.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:01 PM on November 16, 2011

Are there any depression support groups in your area? Even in fairly rural areas, there are often support groups for mental health issues that meet once a month, for free. Local hospitals often host these. Also, you'd be surprised how dirt cheap sliding scale therapy can be. Once, while unemployed, I got it for $15/hr at a clinic and also through a religious charity (the therapy was secular) for the same price.
posted by devymetal at 5:05 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

These suggestions are good but they're ignoring one of the contributing factors of your depression, which is your caregiving. It's not clear to me if your mother is suffering from specific illness or is just generally elderly. Check at local hospitals or elder care agencies to see if there are any caregiver support groups. If she has a specific condition check with nonprofits that raise funds or provide info on that condition.
posted by unannihilated at 5:11 PM on November 16, 2011

Also, there may be caregiving support groups available. It would be worth it to check around.
posted by devymetal at 5:32 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

there may also be respite services available. if you guys have any religious affiliation (or even if you don't), there may be a congregation in your area that offers assistance as well.
posted by elizeh at 7:24 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

well, i personally self medicated to alleviate my symptoms. five or six drinks at the local american legion would usually do the trick. as time went on, however, i started to think i might have a drinking problem. the last six months of my binge i'd usually start the day with a quart of coffee and a half a bottle of scotch. that worked for the mornings but about one to three it was time to hit the legion for a few (5 or 6) more. luckily my days usually ended about sixish. but surprisingly enough i slept poorly and would get up early to start my days over, and over, etc. it finally dawned on me that i was wasting all my luck on not getting arrested for drunk driving or just killing my self by attrition. went to the doctor, me as functional alcoholic, him as brainiac doctor. got prescribed cymbalta (60mg) worked like a champ (the trick, of course, is you can't drink when you take this stuff). been over a year and haven't felt like i was hanging around waiting to die for a long time. canadian aspirin (with codeine) is pretty handy too.
posted by goutytophus at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2011

I always always thought that no matter how bad things were at any given moment, that the future would be better. That everything would turn out okay.

that was a "cognitive distortion". a delusion. the little secret is that as long as the delusion doesn't make you sad, no one is going to say it's a problem, and that it's a perfectly legitimate thought to have.

try parsing "everything" into different categories. yes, your mother will die. everyone will die. that just IS. other things can have better or worse outcomes, you can try to do things that will lead to better outcomes.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:07 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Look, you're depressed, and because you're depressed you need to take every single thought you have about the future, and how likely it is to be dark and horrible and full of pain, with more than a pinch of salt. You are just not currently able to accurately assess your likelihood of recovery. I have believed at several points in my life that it was going to be awful forever, and if you search through my AskMe history you will see evidence of that. I was wrong. You might be right or wrong, but you have no way of telling right now because your mechanism for predicting your future happiness is broken. You're going to have to focus on fixing it. It will most likely seem like a pointless endeavour, until it doesn't. Follow the advice here about finding low-cost healthcare, read a lot of books*, treat yourself kindly even when it seems impossible, rest, talk to whoever will listen, do some art and craft activities that take you out of yourself, get lots of sleep and fresh air, keep going, keep going. The world is bigger than it seems right now, and when the cloud lifts you'll be amazed at how far away the sky is.

*Seconding The Mindful Way Through Depression. It's a lot less stupid than most of the self-help books for depression, though it does have its moments.
posted by Acheman at 10:22 AM on November 17, 2011 [2 favorites]

My mom didn't live to see me turn 27.... or 28, or 29, or 30.... It's okay- but you can't worry about that. I went through a deep depression that lasted about 3 years...(wandering around the house in dirty pajamas with a blank face, when not crying, not able to work but keen to jump out of a window depression)

I've been well now for about 2 (but actually well, not just a bit better for a while) If i could talk to my old self I would have said to just go with the flow, get a lot of rest, a lot of fresh air, take showers, get dressed everyday, spend positive time with the people that love me, read a book (could only handle jackie collins at the time :-) watch films, and build up new dreams and be logical (life can get better!)... life is an adventure... and it can turn on a dime... I also recommend "Shoot the damn dog" its an AMAZING book! Huge hug!

Also, a wise psychiatrist told me that I shouldn't worry, the brain just gets off kilter sometimes and needs to re-calibrate... it ended up being true. I never thought that I could ever be as happy as I am now.
posted by misspony at 12:02 PM on November 19, 2011

A friend of mine is a life coach who went through rigorous training for 2 years. (Anyone call call themself a life coach, even with no training.) She says that some people really can't benefit from the coaching if they really need to be medicated for anxiety or depression. But a good coach will give you a free consultation, and will also give you your money back if you enroll coaching and it's wrong for you. Coaching is especially good for people who have aims but just can't seem to prioritize them or move forward. You can MeMail me if you want info on the school that does the training for coaches; their website has contact info for their graduates.

Whether you look for a therapist or a coach, it does feel really daunting at first. But you start with one call. Typically a therapist will call you back the same day or the next, and talk with you for 5-ten minutes on the phone. You can get a pretty good sense during that time about whether you feel like meeting with them. If you're not sure, just say you're nervous and uncertain and you appreciate the call but you're not ready. They know how hard it is to take the first steps.

Then you just set up one appointment. (A lot of coaches do their work over the phone; most therapists you see in person.) They'll ask you about yourself, and you can ask them about their approach and what they charge. You can make a second appointment on the spot, or call them later, or just decide to try someone else. Even if that person isn't right for you, that first visit has served a purpose. Also, just talking about yourself and your feelings one time help you feel better for a while. You can see as many therapists as you want and then choose.

I know your brain is making you think about all the "what ifs" that could happen. All you need to do is call one person. You can get a name from a friend or from your physician. If you call and they say they can't accept a new client, ask them to suggest someone else to call.

Also, your physician can prescribe medications. They start with SSRIs such as Lexapro, Celexa,
Paxil, etc.
posted by wryly at 4:48 PM on August 17, 2012