How can I have a more sexual relationship with my boyfriend, and stop freaking out all the time? Or, how can I accept that this is the relationship we have and it's not going to change? Warning: this is going to be both long and stupid.
posted by krakenattack to Human Relations (47 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
This is going to sound impossibly whiny and self-indulgent, but I'm worrying myself sick about this and I need someone to either help me find a solution or tell me to stfu. I'm starting therapy in December for my crazy, but believe it or not this is just one facet of it and I'd love to have someone yell at me for being dumb until then.
I (24f) am madly in love with my boyfriend (29m). I love his body, and I love his cock, and I absolutely love having sex with him. We've been dating 9 months, and live together. We average around 2-3 times a week. A lot of those times are after he's rejected me (too tired, has to work in the morning, etc) and I lose it and cry/freak out and we talk and then we end up doing it. I hate this cycle. We both hate it. It's miserable. He now feels pressured to have sex, which makes him never want it, and I feel ugly and crazy.
I'm trying to figure out how to summarize this question but my neuroticism has managed to turn something that should be simple and fun into a huge drama-filled cloud of ugh.
It's not even that I need to be having sex every day, but I don't ever feel like he wants me. It feels like he's forcing himself just to have what sex we do, which he probably is considering the mess I've made of things.
Here are some complicating factors:
1. I was raised really religiously and although I've overcome a lot of the weirdness this caused me to associate with sex, I can still be pretty awkward trying to act sexy and then I get anxious about being awkward and then I feel bad about being anxious....sigh. This and the fact that I'm pretty submissive means I'm mostly terrible at initiating, which also isn't helped by what I consider to be near-constant rejection.
2. I'm super physically affectionate and talky and extraverted, and he's more the stoic quiet "But I just said 'I love you' last week, do I have to say it again already?" introverted type. We have made (I think) incredible strides in learning to adjust our natures to each other, but it's an uphill battle.
3. Related to 1, I've had a decent number of sex partners by now, but I definitely feel that I missed out on the high school- and college-ish discovering-sex-and-each-other's-bodies-and-doing-it-everywhere-and-we-can't-get-enough-of-each-other early relationships that I seem to hear and read about oh EVERYWHERE. I want him to not be able to keep his hands off me. I want to be irresistible. I want him to joke back or even accept when I light-heartedly suggest we have sex in a dressing room instead of scoffing and closing the door in my face.
4. He works a physically demanding restaurant job, probably 50 hours a week, and always over the weekends, so his tiredness complaint is mostly legitimate, but this is not a new issue and I would have thought by now that he'd figure out some way of NOT being exhausted all.the.time.
I'm worried about what this means for the future. It seems more than likely that our frequency will only dwindle from here. I would do very nearly anything for this man, but I LOVE my sex drive and I don't want it to go away or ignore it or stomp it into the ground. I just want to fuck all the time while I'm young and hot and don't have any real responsibilities. We talk about this all the time. He seems to want to help fix it, but every time we come up with an idea (scheduling sex, buy toys, etc) it works for a few days and then he doesn't seem to care anymore. But he insists that he does care. Fwiw, we've had a few rough patches but agree that this relationship is overall Awesome and that we want to stay together for the foreseeable future.
Basically, I need you lovely mefites (hi, I'm a long-time lurker but only recently worked up the courage to make an account and start commenting) to choose any one or a combination of the following:
A. slap some sense into me, tell me to appreciate an awesome thing, give the poor man a break, and stop FREAKING OUT ALL THE TIME BECAUSE IT'S FINE; my super-sexual relationship fantasy is a fantasy and stop obsessing over it
B. tell me to back.the.fuck.off. for, say, a month, give him time to not feel so pressured and ick about having sex with me, start initiating more and see if that works (not entirely sure I'm capable of any of this)
C. give me ways to calmly hold him accountable for the things he says he'll do (sex on X days, X day rolls around and he's too tired)
D. [insert solution I haven't come up with yet here]
E. tell me we're probably just fundamentally incompatible and unless I can see myself living with the sex life we have now forever, GTFO and find someone who wants to bang my brains out. Bonus points for anecdotes about this did or did not work out for you.
I am so, so sorry for this mess of an askme. Please forgive me. And thank you in advance for wasting your time on this.