Should I try to be friends again?
November 12, 2011 2:10 PM Subscribe
Should I try to reconnect with someone I went No Contact with? It's been a couple of months and the person is depressed and isolated.
I fell in love with my best friend/casual lover and we wanted different things out of the relationship (I wanted exclusivity, they didn't). It hurt too much. They had also said some cruel, critical things to me. In an emotional conversation, I told them I couldn't be their friend anymore. They were furious. In a later email, within 24 hours, I amended that to just needing some time, but I didn't know how much. A month later, they contacted me, seemingly friendly, asking if I was OK because they hadn't run into me around town. I was happy to hear from them as I had missed them and would have contacted them sooner if they hadn't been so angry with me. I responded in a friendly way and said that I was OK, and they became angry out of the blue and hung up; I contacted them again right away and said I still valued the friendship and asked why they had really contacted me. They said they had just wanted to make sure I was OK and let's just leave it at that. They accused me of screwing up their life by leaving and said they were depressed and isolated.
Now another month has gone by and I'm still missing this person. I'm worried about them. I know that being depressed makes people not act like themselves. This person has been hospitalized in the past, and has been suicidal, and is somewhat isolated -- that wasn't a lie. I miss them and care about them. I had no idea that asking for no contact for a while would enrage or hurt them so much, and I miss them and can't stop thinking about them. I didn't realize I had meant that much to this person. I truly thought the only way out of the situation was some time apart, but I had no idea it would affect their life this way. Or perhaps I'm just being manipulated. I don't know. We have some mutual friends and I suppose I could poke around and see if they have heard from my ex, but I don't know or trust these people well enough to share details of my ex's mental health troubles.
I fell in love with my best friend/casual lover and we wanted different things out of the relationship (I wanted exclusivity, they didn't). It hurt too much. They had also said some cruel, critical things to me. In an emotional conversation, I told them I couldn't be their friend anymore. They were furious. In a later email, within 24 hours, I amended that to just needing some time, but I didn't know how much. A month later, they contacted me, seemingly friendly, asking if I was OK because they hadn't run into me around town. I was happy to hear from them as I had missed them and would have contacted them sooner if they hadn't been so angry with me. I responded in a friendly way and said that I was OK, and they became angry out of the blue and hung up; I contacted them again right away and said I still valued the friendship and asked why they had really contacted me. They said they had just wanted to make sure I was OK and let's just leave it at that. They accused me of screwing up their life by leaving and said they were depressed and isolated.
Now another month has gone by and I'm still missing this person. I'm worried about them. I know that being depressed makes people not act like themselves. This person has been hospitalized in the past, and has been suicidal, and is somewhat isolated -- that wasn't a lie. I miss them and care about them. I had no idea that asking for no contact for a while would enrage or hurt them so much, and I miss them and can't stop thinking about them. I didn't realize I had meant that much to this person. I truly thought the only way out of the situation was some time apart, but I had no idea it would affect their life this way. Or perhaps I'm just being manipulated. I don't know. We have some mutual friends and I suppose I could poke around and see if they have heard from my ex, but I don't know or trust these people well enough to share details of my ex's mental health troubles.
Or perhaps I'm just being manipulated.
Yep, sounds like manipulation to me. You set boundaries. These boundaries frustrate the person because it means they can't get what they want. They became angry that you are OK? That means they have no care for you, only for themselves. They sound like an emotional vampire.
I didn't realize I had meant that much to this person.
Sorry, but you don't. You are a 'food source' not a friend.
posted by Kerasia at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2011 [12 favorites]
Yep, sounds like manipulation to me. You set boundaries. These boundaries frustrate the person because it means they can't get what they want. They became angry that you are OK? That means they have no care for you, only for themselves. They sound like an emotional vampire.
I didn't realize I had meant that much to this person.
Sorry, but you don't. You are a 'food source' not a friend.
posted by Kerasia at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2011 [12 favorites]
I would stay No Contact. No Contact is about your healing, not theirs, and you should not feel guilty that you needed time away to process. And if you still need it, keep doing it. You don't know that this person really misses you or whatever, and isn't just manipulating you but I get an impression from your question that you're hoping to reconcile in some form, as well as understand their behavior. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care, but I would definitely proceed with caution in engaging a possibly emotionally unstable person with whom I have some wrecked and complicated ties.
I would ask a mutual friend, "hey, heard from X lately? Last time we spoke X seemed to be having a hard time," and leave it at that. You don't need to really go into details, but frankly I would stay out of it. (For all you know, this person doesn't want contact with you.)
posted by sm1tten at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would ask a mutual friend, "hey, heard from X lately? Last time we spoke X seemed to be having a hard time," and leave it at that. You don't need to really go into details, but frankly I would stay out of it. (For all you know, this person doesn't want contact with you.)
posted by sm1tten at 2:23 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I didn't realize I had meant that much to this person.
This is nothing against you personally, but just because they were enraged by no contact doesn't you meant THAT much to them. It just means they don't like being rejected. And yes, my guess is they are manipulative. I was worried when I broke up with my ex of 3 years (and we were exclusive, and living together) for all the same reasons- history of depression, thought he couldn't function without me, when we broke up he pretty much SAID he couldn't function without me. Threatened suicide, etc. It was all just a big reaction to getting rejected, him trying to manipulate me into talking to him- but I held firm and, imagine my surprise when instead of committing suicide he simply found another girlfriend.
Do not let yourself get sucked back into this. It's for the best. I miss my ex too but that doesn't mean I should go back to the fucked-up situation we had. I understand the urge to want to check up on him but you'll just get sucked back into a cycle. You like each other but you want different things. The correct solution is to move on. You've already done the hard part, just stick to it and put it out of your mind.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:24 PM on November 12, 2011 [17 favorites]
This is nothing against you personally, but just because they were enraged by no contact doesn't you meant THAT much to them. It just means they don't like being rejected. And yes, my guess is they are manipulative. I was worried when I broke up with my ex of 3 years (and we were exclusive, and living together) for all the same reasons- history of depression, thought he couldn't function without me, when we broke up he pretty much SAID he couldn't function without me. Threatened suicide, etc. It was all just a big reaction to getting rejected, him trying to manipulate me into talking to him- but I held firm and, imagine my surprise when instead of committing suicide he simply found another girlfriend.
Do not let yourself get sucked back into this. It's for the best. I miss my ex too but that doesn't mean I should go back to the fucked-up situation we had. I understand the urge to want to check up on him but you'll just get sucked back into a cycle. You like each other but you want different things. The correct solution is to move on. You've already done the hard part, just stick to it and put it out of your mind.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 2:24 PM on November 12, 2011 [17 favorites]
Dear god, no. You can't fix them without getting sucked into the vortex; you probably can't fix them even if you ARE willing to get sucked into the vortex. Your actions are not responsible for this person's depression, you're simply not that powerful. This person's depression, anger, rage, and isolation are stemming from conditions within themself, and they are the only person who can take actions to resolve it.
posted by KathrynT at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
No. No. No. No. No.
You haven't gotten over them enough yet, it sticks out all over your post. I would stick with no contact for, oh, a year plus.
posted by anaelith at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
You haven't gotten over them enough yet, it sticks out all over your post. I would stick with no contact for, oh, a year plus.
posted by anaelith at 2:25 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
They said they had just wanted to make sure I was OK and let's just leave it at that. They accused me of screwing up their life by leaving and said they were depressed and isolated.
1. They don't improve when you're in contact. (Just stating it as fact from what you've said here.)
2. You are treated very badly and unjustly when you're in contact.
Your emotional stability is just as important as theirs.
Thus, continue your no contact. Try to approach your feelings of missing them from a definite "no contact" stance, taking into account the facts rather than what you hope (it's normal to hope, but the reality here is quite clear that hope will not be fulfilled), and it will help move on.
posted by fraula at 2:26 PM on November 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
1. They don't improve when you're in contact. (Just stating it as fact from what you've said here.)
2. You are treated very badly and unjustly when you're in contact.
Your emotional stability is just as important as theirs.
Thus, continue your no contact. Try to approach your feelings of missing them from a definite "no contact" stance, taking into account the facts rather than what you hope (it's normal to hope, but the reality here is quite clear that hope will not be fulfilled), and it will help move on.
posted by fraula at 2:26 PM on November 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
No. NO. A friend who truly cares about you and YOUR wellbeing does not become "enraged" when you ask for space. They might not understand, and they might not agree, but they deal with it with understanding, and care, and respect for your boundaries.
This person has demonstrated NONE of this for you. I'm sorry they're dealing with some mental issues, but you are not responsible for their wellbeing. S/he is the only person responsible for that.
I know you're still hurting, but this is textbook emotional manipulation. Please do what's best for YOU and stay far away.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:32 PM on November 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
This person has demonstrated NONE of this for you. I'm sorry they're dealing with some mental issues, but you are not responsible for their wellbeing. S/he is the only person responsible for that.
I know you're still hurting, but this is textbook emotional manipulation. Please do what's best for YOU and stay far away.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:32 PM on November 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
I don't think your ex sounds like Manipulative Monster so much as just plain old Bad News. You would be better off maintaining No Contact if you can, even though you miss the friend/casual lover they used to be.
posted by tomboko at 2:41 PM on November 12, 2011
posted by tomboko at 2:41 PM on November 12, 2011
I responded in a friendly way and said that I was OK, and they became angry out of the blue and hung up; I contacted them again right away and said I still valued the friendship and asked why they had really contacted me. They said they had just wanted to make sure I was OK and let's just leave it at that. They accused me of screwing up their life by leaving and said they were depressed and isolated.
speculating:
he's angry because you unilaterally ended a relationship he was enjoying. he was hoping you'd say something like you weren't happy, and that you want to get back together.
since you want different things out of the relationship i think you should not contact this person again.
posted by cupcake1337 at 2:48 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
speculating:
he's angry because you unilaterally ended a relationship he was enjoying. he was hoping you'd say something like you weren't happy, and that you want to get back together.
since you want different things out of the relationship i think you should not contact this person again.
posted by cupcake1337 at 2:48 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
No.
You are misinterpreting this person and their feelings and motivations. The anger isn't about missing you, sorry, it is about losing an easy "food source" as someone else put it. He's not mad at himself for losing you, he's mad at you for not giving him everything and anything he wants, whenever he wants it, without having to give you anything in return.
Is that what you want? A friend or partner that makes you give and give and give, yet who gives you nothing in return but manipulation, anger, and scorn?
If that's what you want, go ahead.
Personally, I think you had it right the first time when you identified that the "critical" things he said to you were over the line and warranted No Contact. Ditto his occasionally wanting you, but not wanting to be with you.
You can do better. Move along:)
posted by jbenben at 2:54 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
You are misinterpreting this person and their feelings and motivations. The anger isn't about missing you, sorry, it is about losing an easy "food source" as someone else put it. He's not mad at himself for losing you, he's mad at you for not giving him everything and anything he wants, whenever he wants it, without having to give you anything in return.
Is that what you want? A friend or partner that makes you give and give and give, yet who gives you nothing in return but manipulation, anger, and scorn?
If that's what you want, go ahead.
Personally, I think you had it right the first time when you identified that the "critical" things he said to you were over the line and warranted No Contact. Ditto his occasionally wanting you, but not wanting to be with you.
You can do better. Move along:)
posted by jbenben at 2:54 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Now another month has gone by and I'm still missing this person. I'm worried about them.
You cannot help this person. They are in a fucked-up place and your feelings for them are complicated and painful. No-contact will help your feelings change.
You didn't screw up their life by leaving. You know that.
By the way, this advice comes from someone with occasional depression, who has also cut off contact with a depressed ex. I know it's difficult, but no good can come from restarting this friendship at this point.
--
Some of these answers are encouraging you to feel anger towards this person. You may not feel that right now. That's okay. You may feel it at some point. That's okay too. A period of no-contact allows you to mourn the relationship, feel anger at how it broke, and finally gain some distance from the situation. It allows you to fall out of love. You sound like you're still mourning the relationship, which is why you're being encouraged to remain out of contact with this person.
posted by heatherann at 3:12 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You cannot help this person. They are in a fucked-up place and your feelings for them are complicated and painful. No-contact will help your feelings change.
You didn't screw up their life by leaving. You know that.
By the way, this advice comes from someone with occasional depression, who has also cut off contact with a depressed ex. I know it's difficult, but no good can come from restarting this friendship at this point.
--
Some of these answers are encouraging you to feel anger towards this person. You may not feel that right now. That's okay. You may feel it at some point. That's okay too. A period of no-contact allows you to mourn the relationship, feel anger at how it broke, and finally gain some distance from the situation. It allows you to fall out of love. You sound like you're still mourning the relationship, which is why you're being encouraged to remain out of contact with this person.
posted by heatherann at 3:12 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Anonymous said: " They accused me of screwing up their life by leaving and said they were depressed and isolated. "
Seriously: take the hint.
If this person's life is screwed up*, then that's their responsibility to sort out. If they're isolated, then they should get out of the house and meet new people. If they're depressed, maybe they should speak to a doctor or some other kind of health care professional about that. This is not your fault or responsibility to deal with. Sometimes, you're better off without someone.
Look at how this person is behaving when they're trying to win you back. What do you think it's going to be like if you actually do reconnect with this individual?
What does this person give you that you're considering getting in contact with them again, other than a guilt trip?
posted by Solomon at 3:13 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Seriously: take the hint.
If this person's life is screwed up*, then that's their responsibility to sort out. If they're isolated, then they should get out of the house and meet new people. If they're depressed, maybe they should speak to a doctor or some other kind of health care professional about that. This is not your fault or responsibility to deal with. Sometimes, you're better off without someone.
Look at how this person is behaving when they're trying to win you back. What do you think it's going to be like if you actually do reconnect with this individual?
What does this person give you that you're considering getting in contact with them again, other than a guilt trip?
posted by Solomon at 3:13 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm going to go against the grain here, only because of a personal experience. A couple of years back I was in a similar situation, only I was on the other end. Someone had decided they wanted to not be in contact with me anymore because they wanted a more serious relationship than I did. After a couple of months, we started talking again and it started with arguing about how our relationship ended the first time, but, after a few conversations and going out a couple of times we started getting close again and started dating fairly seriously. And it went great. We got married three weeks ago.
I should caution you that even though we initially argued about things, we were both respectful towards each other and were adult about it. No hanging up on each other (what can be more childish) and no emotional manipulation. So, what I am saying is, it's not that it is impossible for these things to work out eventually, it would require some fairly specific boundaries to be set by you. What my wife just told me when we talked about how to respond (and what she has told me before after we were engaged) was that she set boundaries for what she would tolerate from me, but never told me what those boundaries were. That way, I wasn't just doing the minimum I could do to keep her around. The fact is that in the time that we were not talking I took a look at my life and decided to make changes that would make be happier. If this other person you are talking about has not done that, then this will most likely not end the way you want it to. So, my (our) advice is that if you proceed, do so with extreme caution. If it becomes clear that this person has not changed, then move on, however difficult that may be.
posted by holdkris99 at 3:21 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I should caution you that even though we initially argued about things, we were both respectful towards each other and were adult about it. No hanging up on each other (what can be more childish) and no emotional manipulation. So, what I am saying is, it's not that it is impossible for these things to work out eventually, it would require some fairly specific boundaries to be set by you. What my wife just told me when we talked about how to respond (and what she has told me before after we were engaged) was that she set boundaries for what she would tolerate from me, but never told me what those boundaries were. That way, I wasn't just doing the minimum I could do to keep her around. The fact is that in the time that we were not talking I took a look at my life and decided to make changes that would make be happier. If this other person you are talking about has not done that, then this will most likely not end the way you want it to. So, my (our) advice is that if you proceed, do so with extreme caution. If it becomes clear that this person has not changed, then move on, however difficult that may be.
posted by holdkris99 at 3:21 PM on November 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
you're absolutely right, depression does alter a friend's personality. i've been there; i've been that depressed friend who's said some regrettable things, acted in regrettable ways. in that state, boundaries are hard to process.
but a few folks who've responded are absolutely correct when they say that your ex needs to take steps to get their shit together, whether that's through meds, setting new goals, or buying and sticking to a day-planner. unless your ex has shown signs that he or she has acknowledged a problem and is taking steps toward changing destructive behavior, you should take extreme care. be careful about caring for someone who can't care for himself.
posted by chyeahokay at 5:04 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
but a few folks who've responded are absolutely correct when they say that your ex needs to take steps to get their shit together, whether that's through meds, setting new goals, or buying and sticking to a day-planner. unless your ex has shown signs that he or she has acknowledged a problem and is taking steps toward changing destructive behavior, you should take extreme care. be careful about caring for someone who can't care for himself.
posted by chyeahokay at 5:04 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I love the term "food source." That is exactly the case here.
Most of the time, if you need to cut someone off, you need to do it for life-- i.e. if they are acting crazy. Which this person is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:31 PM on November 12, 2011
Most of the time, if you need to cut someone off, you need to do it for life-- i.e. if they are acting crazy. Which this person is.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:31 PM on November 12, 2011
If your ex actually cared about you as a person, they wouldn't be angry that you are doing OK without them. Probably best to stick with no contact.
posted by Gosha_Dog at 5:58 PM on November 12, 2011
posted by Gosha_Dog at 5:58 PM on November 12, 2011
Well, I recently went through something similar with someone I broke contact with.
The relationship wasn't working and she placed me in a situation I wasn't comfortable with at all, which allowed her to have her cake and eat it too.
It was a poly relationship with her girlfriend never respecting the boundaries we agreed upon, and her never enforcing those boundaries. When I severed things, she told me she had broken things off with her girlfriend.
Well, I recently heard she lost her house in a fire and I was ready to run to her to offer support, but I stuck by my guns and didn't.
Then, a few weeks later, I see her shopping in the store I work at. I will confess I did go over and say hello. The amusing thing was that she was there with that same girlfriend she told me she had broken up with.
So, I guess the point to my whole story is that the behaviour that caused me to call things off is still continuing to this day and she was completely matter of fact and non-repentant about said behaviour.
I am not saying this is your case, but it might cause you to reconsider your course of action.
posted by Samizdata at 7:30 PM on November 12, 2011
The relationship wasn't working and she placed me in a situation I wasn't comfortable with at all, which allowed her to have her cake and eat it too.
It was a poly relationship with her girlfriend never respecting the boundaries we agreed upon, and her never enforcing those boundaries. When I severed things, she told me she had broken things off with her girlfriend.
Well, I recently heard she lost her house in a fire and I was ready to run to her to offer support, but I stuck by my guns and didn't.
Then, a few weeks later, I see her shopping in the store I work at. I will confess I did go over and say hello. The amusing thing was that she was there with that same girlfriend she told me she had broken up with.
So, I guess the point to my whole story is that the behaviour that caused me to call things off is still continuing to this day and she was completely matter of fact and non-repentant about said behaviour.
I am not saying this is your case, but it might cause you to reconsider your course of action.
posted by Samizdata at 7:30 PM on November 12, 2011
Two months is not enough No Contact to go once more into that breech.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:02 PM on November 12, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 9:02 PM on November 12, 2011
They had also said some cruel, critical things to me. They accused, etc. Recommend therapy to this person, but I would not let this much screwed-up drama back into my life.
posted by theora55 at 10:28 AM on November 13, 2011
posted by theora55 at 10:28 AM on November 13, 2011
« Older Health insurance is hard; let's go shopping! | Learning to cook, ready for next step Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:18 PM on November 12, 2011 [3 favorites]