How can I show a totally awesome teenager how proud I am of her?
November 10, 2011 6:39 PM Subscribe
How can I show a totally awesome teenager how proud I am of her?
I mentored and tutored a 7th grader intensely for a year. We spent 2.5 hours together 6 days a week. During this year, she was going through some serious family issues. She lived with her grandma while her mother went to rehab. Around the same time, she was having an existential crisis of sorts because her mother has no idea who her father is. She's a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Nevertheless, she remained a charming, witty and clever girl and we developed a pretty great relationship.
It's two years later and we still talk frequently. I send her books every now and then in the mail and she sends me updates about her social life, school, etc. I saw her this weekend for dinner since I was in town (I live in CA, she lives in Boston) and had an overwhelming sense of pride in her and everything she's accomplished. She just started at a competitive high school, earned Honor Roll this trimester, joined cooking club and tried out for her school's basketball team.
Since I'm not a parent, this was a totally new emotion for me. Also, since her mom is mostly absent from her life, I have a feeling that someone being proud of HER is also a new experience for her.
Question is this: What gift can I get her for Christmas this year that will show her how proud I am of her? Have you ever received a particularly meaningful gift from someone that expressed how proud they were of you?
If it helps, she's in 9th grade and her interests include reading, writing, cooking and boys.
I mentored and tutored a 7th grader intensely for a year. We spent 2.5 hours together 6 days a week. During this year, she was going through some serious family issues. She lived with her grandma while her mother went to rehab. Around the same time, she was having an existential crisis of sorts because her mother has no idea who her father is. She's a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Nevertheless, she remained a charming, witty and clever girl and we developed a pretty great relationship.
It's two years later and we still talk frequently. I send her books every now and then in the mail and she sends me updates about her social life, school, etc. I saw her this weekend for dinner since I was in town (I live in CA, she lives in Boston) and had an overwhelming sense of pride in her and everything she's accomplished. She just started at a competitive high school, earned Honor Roll this trimester, joined cooking club and tried out for her school's basketball team.
Since I'm not a parent, this was a totally new emotion for me. Also, since her mom is mostly absent from her life, I have a feeling that someone being proud of HER is also a new experience for her.
Question is this: What gift can I get her for Christmas this year that will show her how proud I am of her? Have you ever received a particularly meaningful gift from someone that expressed how proud they were of you?
If it helps, she's in 9th grade and her interests include reading, writing, cooking and boys.
Best answer: Write her a nice letter telling her how much you respect her, her accomplishments, and her attitude. She may roll her eyes initially, but I guarantee you she'll come back to it again and again and that it'll mean a lot.
Maybe also buy her a couple tickets to something very grown up and a little fancypants, like a ballet, opera, or musical, if you think she'll enjoy it. As a kid, I always appreciated it when adults assumed I had real interests, rather than automatically throwing me in the "typical teenager, watching the rap music on the mtv" pile.
posted by phunniemee at 6:47 PM on November 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
Maybe also buy her a couple tickets to something very grown up and a little fancypants, like a ballet, opera, or musical, if you think she'll enjoy it. As a kid, I always appreciated it when adults assumed I had real interests, rather than automatically throwing me in the "typical teenager, watching the rap music on the mtv" pile.
posted by phunniemee at 6:47 PM on November 10, 2011 [6 favorites]
Buy her tickets to visit you in CA for a weekend during Winter Break. Spending time with someone who is proud of her is an amazing gift and really important for a teenager.
posted by Pineapplicious at 6:55 PM on November 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by Pineapplicious at 6:55 PM on November 10, 2011 [10 favorites]
A nice gold or silver chain bracelet? (And don't forget to be proud of yourself too, for giving of yourself so generously. You did a good thing here.)
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:07 PM on November 10, 2011
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:07 PM on November 10, 2011
Honestly, I'd steer clear of extravagant gifts. It's...creepy. You're her teacher, not her mom.
A letter of congratulations and encouragement is plenty.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:12 PM on November 10, 2011 [8 favorites]
A letter of congratulations and encouragement is plenty.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:12 PM on November 10, 2011 [8 favorites]
Buy her a book that inspires you, or better yet, give her a book that means something to you. Write an inscription in it, telling her exactly what you told us.
Include something else if you wish (jewellery, tickets to something she might like, etc.), but that'll mean the most to her in the long run.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:15 PM on November 10, 2011
Include something else if you wish (jewellery, tickets to something she might like, etc.), but that'll mean the most to her in the long run.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:15 PM on November 10, 2011
Honestly, I'd steer clear of extravagant gifts. It's...creepy. You're her teacher, not her mom.
I think there is a big difference between an out of school (I am assuming this was the case) mentor/tutor and a teacher. You connect more with "mentor" figures, and since they're not in the institutional school setting the boundaries aren't as strict.
I like the idea of inviting her to come visit you, if her parents would be okay with that.
posted by hepta at 7:18 PM on November 10, 2011
I think there is a big difference between an out of school (I am assuming this was the case) mentor/tutor and a teacher. You connect more with "mentor" figures, and since they're not in the institutional school setting the boundaries aren't as strict.
I like the idea of inviting her to come visit you, if her parents would be okay with that.
posted by hepta at 7:18 PM on November 10, 2011
Best answer: As someone who has worked for a well-known community-based mentoring program for years, I have to agree with sys rq. Your role here is to acknowledge who she is and who she will become. Clearly your relationship with her is more than teacher/student and considering giving her a gift at all indicates that.
From my perspective though, the single best way that you can acknowledge how proud you are of her is to tell her and to remain a consistent, positive presence in her life that will continue to reinforce her positive decisions and accomplishments.
Some of the bigger things mentioned, while thoughtful and clearly well-intentioned, can really confuse the relationship that the two of you have. You are not her mother, grandmother or other relative. Our organization would pretty much never condone a cross country trip with an adult and an under-age child - it just isn't appropriate to plan a vacation alone with just the two of you, or give her a gift an expensive, potentially putting her in a position to make her feel indebted or shifting the way she sees you.
My recommendations would be to think instead about things that were meaningful for you at that age - a book that really made you see the world differently, a cd that you loved (something classical or jazz that she might not be listening to right now). I also always recommended that mentors give journals as gifts to kids her age - never did I need a place to sort through my thoughts and emotions as much as I did in 9th grade! Or you could make your gift about rewarding her - gifting her something you know she loves but either can't or won't get for herself (for some people that is a special meal, for others its clothes or shoes or a massage or flowers...)
In any case, my main point here is that it really isn't what you give her that is important, its the gesture of recognizing who she has become, and following that gesture up with consistent contact and support that is really important.
(apologies if this sounds too preachy, but I just can't help myself sometimes).
posted by moshimosh at 7:29 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
From my perspective though, the single best way that you can acknowledge how proud you are of her is to tell her and to remain a consistent, positive presence in her life that will continue to reinforce her positive decisions and accomplishments.
Some of the bigger things mentioned, while thoughtful and clearly well-intentioned, can really confuse the relationship that the two of you have. You are not her mother, grandmother or other relative. Our organization would pretty much never condone a cross country trip with an adult and an under-age child - it just isn't appropriate to plan a vacation alone with just the two of you, or give her a gift an expensive, potentially putting her in a position to make her feel indebted or shifting the way she sees you.
My recommendations would be to think instead about things that were meaningful for you at that age - a book that really made you see the world differently, a cd that you loved (something classical or jazz that she might not be listening to right now). I also always recommended that mentors give journals as gifts to kids her age - never did I need a place to sort through my thoughts and emotions as much as I did in 9th grade! Or you could make your gift about rewarding her - gifting her something you know she loves but either can't or won't get for herself (for some people that is a special meal, for others its clothes or shoes or a massage or flowers...)
In any case, my main point here is that it really isn't what you give her that is important, its the gesture of recognizing who she has become, and following that gesture up with consistent contact and support that is really important.
(apologies if this sounds too preachy, but I just can't help myself sometimes).
posted by moshimosh at 7:29 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
A letter detailing why you are proud of her maybe relating a story about something that was special and meaningful for you at a similar age such as basketball and get her two tickets to a college basketball game. There are plenty near Boston. The only issue is helping her find a way to the game. It will serve three purposes. One, she knows you care. Two, she likes basketball and three, she will see a college environment and start to picture herself in it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:32 PM on November 10, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:32 PM on November 10, 2011
Response by poster: I love the idea of an experience gift - something she can do or see that will be meaningful to her.
moshimosh, you are spot-on. A journal is a GREAT idea - an inscribed journal will be even better.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I'd love to know if there's anything else we've overlooked.
posted by brynna at 7:36 PM on November 10, 2011
moshimosh, you are spot-on. A journal is a GREAT idea - an inscribed journal will be even better.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I'd love to know if there's anything else we've overlooked.
posted by brynna at 7:36 PM on November 10, 2011
I agree with the letter but also I see no problem with a gift. This was a very meaningful experience for you and given this girls background it may be that she doesn't often receive gifts that are very thoughtful - now that might not be a fair assumption and I'm happy to retract the statement if I'm wrong.
It doesn't have to be expensive - just thoughtful. I had a boss that I was very close to give me a beautiful Christmas ornament one year. Every season when I put it on the tree I think of her. It wasn't a really expensive ornament - just a small but perfect gesture.
So, I think this girl is in grade 9 if I followed your question. She is mature and responsible enough now that she will likely treasure something from you. Something silver could be classy and reasonable in price. I love jewelry but it may not be the right choice here as it's easy enough to loose an ear ring or break a chain. Perhaps a silver compact mirror or key chain. A silver ornament with a bird, butterfly or dragon fly or perhaps a trinket box. I'm not suggesting that you buy a gift from Tiffany's but if you browse on line you will see a number of gift ideas that might inspire you - you could then find something at a price point that suits you some place else.
I think what you are doing is kind.
posted by YukonQuirm at 7:50 PM on November 10, 2011
It doesn't have to be expensive - just thoughtful. I had a boss that I was very close to give me a beautiful Christmas ornament one year. Every season when I put it on the tree I think of her. It wasn't a really expensive ornament - just a small but perfect gesture.
So, I think this girl is in grade 9 if I followed your question. She is mature and responsible enough now that she will likely treasure something from you. Something silver could be classy and reasonable in price. I love jewelry but it may not be the right choice here as it's easy enough to loose an ear ring or break a chain. Perhaps a silver compact mirror or key chain. A silver ornament with a bird, butterfly or dragon fly or perhaps a trinket box. I'm not suggesting that you buy a gift from Tiffany's but if you browse on line you will see a number of gift ideas that might inspire you - you could then find something at a price point that suits you some place else.
I think what you are doing is kind.
posted by YukonQuirm at 7:50 PM on November 10, 2011
Depending on her family/living situation, if you give her something of monetary value, she may not get to keep it.
I think a letter and a journal is an awesome gift. I still remember a passage of a letter my dad wrote me in my early teens, that recognized I was becoming an adult / would be moving away for college relatively soon.
posted by momus_window at 10:11 PM on November 10, 2011
I think a letter and a journal is an awesome gift. I still remember a passage of a letter my dad wrote me in my early teens, that recognized I was becoming an adult / would be moving away for college relatively soon.
posted by momus_window at 10:11 PM on November 10, 2011
Give her something fashionable that she can wear to school. I don't know what the cool kids wear now but whatever it is give her one. That's the best gift a kid from the wrong side if the tracks can get going in to high school because it'll make her feel more confident. And the other girls will be nicer to her.
Or just give her a dollar figure and ask her what clothes she wants.
posted by fshgrl at 10:53 PM on November 10, 2011
Or just give her a dollar figure and ask her what clothes she wants.
posted by fshgrl at 10:53 PM on November 10, 2011
Definately write her a letter: she'll love it now & can re-read it over the years, it'll keep on giving her a lift whenever she does.
Since she's into reading: how about a book? Preferably NOT something like 'Twilight', rather something she can treasure for years. Even better if you can make it an autographed copy.
posted by easily confused at 2:21 AM on November 11, 2011
Since she's into reading: how about a book? Preferably NOT something like 'Twilight', rather something she can treasure for years. Even better if you can make it an autographed copy.
posted by easily confused at 2:21 AM on November 11, 2011
"Here's $300 kid. You can spend it on what you like - booze, drugs, books or savings bonds: The catch? Yeah, I have to be there"
posted by fatmouse at 7:12 AM on November 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by fatmouse at 7:12 AM on November 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
When I was a little younger than your friend, my godfather took me up in a small airplane. I got to hold the controls. It was one of the most satisfying and memorable experiences of my young life.
posted by jcrcarter at 10:03 AM on November 11, 2011
posted by jcrcarter at 10:03 AM on November 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 6:44 PM on November 10, 2011 [11 favorites]