Am I expecting too much?
November 9, 2011 10:54 AM Subscribe
Reasonable Interaction Wishes:
Okay out there, help me either adjust my expectations or hold out for communication/relational interaction I'm wanting. Am I expecting too much?
posted by sleeping beauty to Human Relations (26 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'm an introvert but a deeply-relational one. After years in a relationship with a very shy and relationally challenged man, I'm dating again. But I'm finding myself frustrated because the men I have dated recently don't seem to want the kind of regular communication/interaction I do. Am I still just choosing the "wrong guy"?
Bachelor number 1 is verbally expressive and complimentary (which is a great change from the ex) and when he spends time with me, he can express appreciation for who I am. However, his idea of a relationship is seeing a woman every two weeks for an evening and then, if his workload allows, getting in a 10 minute phone call or skype once or twice a week.
Bachelor number 2 has initiated about a once a week skype (this one is long distance), a text message maybe once every day or two (two lines), invited me for a visit and offered to share costs (bonus points), but seems to rely on me for the communication initiation.
Bachelor number 3 is local, will text frequently, often at his own initiative when he doesn't hear from me (and often back and forth a dozen times throughout the day/eve -- which I LOVE -- just the interaction and indication that he WANTS to connect with me and is thinking about me), meets me for coffee a couple of times a week (mostly my suggestion), initiates getting together for 'sexercise'...but doesn't want to talk or go out for dates.
Okay, so here's what I'd like:
I imagine a "real" relationship to include:
Being pretty excited about each other, especially at first. And wanting to talk every day. For the long-distance, at least a meaningful conversation at night before bed. Not just a ten-minute token that feels like he's trying to do his "duty." (15-30 minutes....or occasionally an hour or more indicates a guy is really into me, likes talking/being with me and it's mutual).
He wants to see me....(I want to see him -- and Skype will suffice, long distance). And if he is really into me, more often than once a week.
He wants to "do stuff" together. This doesn't happen all up front, but going walking/hiking, seeing a film or concert, cooking together, or just being in the same space while working on our own things. To me, that's a normal relationship and I want that, but....is that impossible to have?
Eventually, he wants to keep me around and enjoys my company/presence in his life enough that he (as I will) is willing to "pay the price...make the sacrifice" -- to go out of his way and put his heart and some serious actions out there. Take vacation time to go on a trip with me...and maybe even pay for it if he can (I'm a big girl and pay for myself, but someone doing that for me would be SO refreshing).
I swing between either expecting too much or not enough. I just feel confused now as to what is even possible and reasonable. I've balanced out a lot of codependent tendencies....and sometimes I fear I'm TOO independent now....take care of myself and don't expect anyone to...and yet, I'm finding myself feeling starved for a mutual, mutually desirous, mutually "I wanna spend time with you" relationship.
Am I expecting too much in terms of time and "wanna spend time with you?" Please understand that even though I want this regular connection, I still am introverted and need time alone, completely detached from all people on a fairly regular basis. I take trips to a cabin alone every couple of months and need regular "work on my art/writing" solitary time. I also have friends and support so I'm not looking to one person to meet all the emotional needs.