SWF seeks answers
November 8, 2011 10:26 AM Subscribe
Why do men keep standing me up?
I've been on a couple of online dating sites for the past year and a disturbing trend keeps happening. I'll meet someone, we'll hit it off, we'll go out for x number of dates and then he will specifically make a date with me for a specified activity and then I won't ever hear from him again. Usually it's a matter of "OK, so we'll do X on this day and we'll touch base in the morning to work out the details." Then the day will come and no phone call. I've occasionally gone as far as sending a quick text to say "Are we still on for tonight?" and still no response.
My question - is there something I'm doing that's causing this? Is this normal behavior? Usually, it's the guy who asked me to get together, not the other way around. And they'll seem enthusiastic. So, are they just losing interest and not bothering to let me know or is it something else? Has this happened to other people? I don't have a lot of ways to meet men other than online but I'm getting ready to give up on it if it leads to this kind of behavior.
I've been on a couple of online dating sites for the past year and a disturbing trend keeps happening. I'll meet someone, we'll hit it off, we'll go out for x number of dates and then he will specifically make a date with me for a specified activity and then I won't ever hear from him again. Usually it's a matter of "OK, so we'll do X on this day and we'll touch base in the morning to work out the details." Then the day will come and no phone call. I've occasionally gone as far as sending a quick text to say "Are we still on for tonight?" and still no response.
My question - is there something I'm doing that's causing this? Is this normal behavior? Usually, it's the guy who asked me to get together, not the other way around. And they'll seem enthusiastic. So, are they just losing interest and not bothering to let me know or is it something else? Has this happened to other people? I don't have a lot of ways to meet men other than online but I'm getting ready to give up on it if it leads to this kind of behavior.
I've occasionally gone as far as sending a quick text to say "Are we still on for tonight?" and still no response.
Have you gone 'as far as' calling them up? As a guy, it is incredibly frustrating to always be the one taking initiative on these things. If they don't detect any effort on your part, maybe they assume you're not interested?
posted by Think_Long at 10:40 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Have you gone 'as far as' calling them up? As a guy, it is incredibly frustrating to always be the one taking initiative on these things. If they don't detect any effort on your part, maybe they assume you're not interested?
posted by Think_Long at 10:40 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Online dating is mostly long periods of having your faith in humanity slowly eradicated and then there will be the experience that makes it worth doing.
From what you're describing it sounds like they liked you enough to see you again but not enough to move you to the forefront of the dates they were probably juggling; if you're seeing folks from a dating site then it stands to reason that they're seeing other folks as well. Maybe they met someone else they were more into. It's hard to say.
What I can tell you is that of all the times I have tried online dating, I have only ever been told by one person - one person! - that they didn't want to go on another date (and even then, we really liked each other but there were Circumstances beyond our control that made things difficult). It is just the norm; people flake. It's shitty and dumb but that's the way of it, and it happens to basically everyone.
Honestly, without seeing the moment-by-moment experiences of the dates you're going on, it's impossible to say if there's more going on here. If I were to ask questions like: "Are you fun? Do you laugh? Do they laugh? Are you a complainer?" then it would probably be kind of difficult to answer these with any certainty; very often, it's hard to be aware of the world outside our heads.
Without knowing more details, I cannot say if there's something you're doing that's causing this. So here's a spitball: What are you like? What are your dates like? What do you talk about on dates?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:43 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
From what you're describing it sounds like they liked you enough to see you again but not enough to move you to the forefront of the dates they were probably juggling; if you're seeing folks from a dating site then it stands to reason that they're seeing other folks as well. Maybe they met someone else they were more into. It's hard to say.
What I can tell you is that of all the times I have tried online dating, I have only ever been told by one person - one person! - that they didn't want to go on another date (and even then, we really liked each other but there were Circumstances beyond our control that made things difficult). It is just the norm; people flake. It's shitty and dumb but that's the way of it, and it happens to basically everyone.
Honestly, without seeing the moment-by-moment experiences of the dates you're going on, it's impossible to say if there's more going on here. If I were to ask questions like: "Are you fun? Do you laugh? Do they laugh? Are you a complainer?" then it would probably be kind of difficult to answer these with any certainty; very often, it's hard to be aware of the world outside our heads.
Without knowing more details, I cannot say if there's something you're doing that's causing this. So here's a spitball: What are you like? What are your dates like? What do you talk about on dates?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:43 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Have you gone 'as far as' calling them up?
I actually did once to a guy I had been dating for a couple of weeks. He sent me an email saying he wanted to get together that weekend. I answered and suggested an activity. Never heard back so I finally called him. He actually answered the phone, said he'd been sick and really busy, told me he'd call me back and then, you know, nada. He had always been a little high maintenance though. So I kinda got the idea that whether I called or not, the result would be the same.
posted by robotyoshimi at 10:45 AM on November 8, 2011
I actually did once to a guy I had been dating for a couple of weeks. He sent me an email saying he wanted to get together that weekend. I answered and suggested an activity. Never heard back so I finally called him. He actually answered the phone, said he'd been sick and really busy, told me he'd call me back and then, you know, nada. He had always been a little high maintenance though. So I kinda got the idea that whether I called or not, the result would be the same.
posted by robotyoshimi at 10:45 AM on November 8, 2011
all i can say is, online dating is flakesville. it happens to everyone. just let it go and try again.
This is so very true. I am not even a very flaky person in real life, but when I was online dating, I even felt MYSELF turning into a flake. Because it's so very much the norm.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:47 AM on November 8, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: "Are we still on for tonight?" carries hints of uncertainty and utterly lacks enthusiasm.
However, a phone call the evening before to say "I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I just wanted to let you know that I'll be reading Homer's Odyssey/wearing a pink skirt/rocking silver high heels" is much more...compelling.
In light of your preview. This is just normal human flakiness. These guys are doing you a favor by showing you who they are. Eventually, a guy will enter your circle who cannot stand the though of being away from you. He will call you the day after your date and every day until the next one. This may not rock your world.
But then, at some point, the guy who is a mix of behaviors and brains and whatever else turns you on...that guy will show up. But you have to keep meeting the duds.
posted by bilabial at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2011 [8 favorites]
However, a phone call the evening before to say "I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I just wanted to let you know that I'll be reading Homer's Odyssey/wearing a pink skirt/rocking silver high heels" is much more...compelling.
In light of your preview. This is just normal human flakiness. These guys are doing you a favor by showing you who they are. Eventually, a guy will enter your circle who cannot stand the though of being away from you. He will call you the day after your date and every day until the next one. This may not rock your world.
But then, at some point, the guy who is a mix of behaviors and brains and whatever else turns you on...that guy will show up. But you have to keep meeting the duds.
posted by bilabial at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2011 [8 favorites]
I think this has more to do with the nature of online dating than you.
I've noticed this sort of brutal flakiness happens way more often with online dating. A lot of people who do online dating seem to think that because they have seemingly endless options online and no previous ties to the person they meet (mutual friends, whatever), it's fine to throw all manners out the window.
posted by timsneezed at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
I've noticed this sort of brutal flakiness happens way more often with online dating. A lot of people who do online dating seem to think that because they have seemingly endless options online and no previous ties to the person they meet (mutual friends, whatever), it's fine to throw all manners out the window.
posted by timsneezed at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
Most online daters are dating several people at once. Few have the courtesy to let the many people that they have filtered out know that have indeed been "filtered".
Unfortunate, but frequent when so many people are playing the numbers game.
posted by Shouraku at 10:53 AM on November 8, 2011
Unfortunate, but frequent when so many people are playing the numbers game.
posted by Shouraku at 10:53 AM on November 8, 2011
Consider that asking somebody out in real life requires enough enthusiasm to overcome the fear of rejection. Asking someone out online is cheap and easy, so a lot of guys will cast a huge net and test drive tons of women they're lukewarm about, meanwhile picking up a little booty in the process. There are lots of these guys on dating sites. Some of them may not even be assholes in general. A lot of them are shy guys who have trouble approaching women in real life, and the sudden ego boost they get when their options multiply seems to turn them into assholes.
I have a lot of skepticism about OD. It's not for me because I find it demoralizing to weed through hordes of users. Some people have a thicker skin and it works for them.
posted by timsneezed at 10:59 AM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
I have a lot of skepticism about OD. It's not for me because I find it demoralizing to weed through hordes of users. Some people have a thicker skin and it works for them.
posted by timsneezed at 10:59 AM on November 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess it's good(?) to know that it happens to other people. The never hearing from someone again I can understand and deal with. It's the actually making plans and then leaving me at home in my pjs on a Friday night that gets to me. But, I'm not going to make plans with someone when I have plans with someone else. However, @bilabial has the right attitude. I guess it really is just a numbers game and I can't meet the good one without sifting through the bad.
posted by robotyoshimi at 10:59 AM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by robotyoshimi at 10:59 AM on November 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with most of the above posters, but yeah, it is rare when you meet a person who doesn't want to keep dating, but will tell you point blank "hey, I don't think this is going to work for me, so I'm not going to meet you Saturday, and I don't think we should date another time."
I have done that myself, once or twice, and both people were not taken aback so much by the fact that I did not want to date anymore - but that I actually said exactly what I was thinking, and didn't waffle and make up bullshit and beat around the bush.
People don't like to hurt other people, even a ton of flaky people (even if they won't admit that that is sometimes the reason they are being 'flaky'.), so it's easier to just not say anything... or contact you... and 'flake out'.
It's really [gerunded expletive of your choice] annoying.
posted by bitterkitten at 11:13 AM on November 8, 2011
I have done that myself, once or twice, and both people were not taken aback so much by the fact that I did not want to date anymore - but that I actually said exactly what I was thinking, and didn't waffle and make up bullshit and beat around the bush.
People don't like to hurt other people, even a ton of flaky people (even if they won't admit that that is sometimes the reason they are being 'flaky'.), so it's easier to just not say anything... or contact you... and 'flake out'.
It's really [gerunded expletive of your choice] annoying.
posted by bitterkitten at 11:13 AM on November 8, 2011
I am a female and can honestly say I have done this to quite a few men.
I am horrible at confrontation, so if I'm not interested, I ended up just not replying to them.
I think a lot of people with my type of personality (non-confrontational, socially awkward and introverted) tend to date via online dating because of all the reasons everyone else has mentioned.
posted by KogeLiz at 11:13 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I am horrible at confrontation, so if I'm not interested, I ended up just not replying to them.
I think a lot of people with my type of personality (non-confrontational, socially awkward and introverted) tend to date via online dating because of all the reasons everyone else has mentioned.
posted by KogeLiz at 11:13 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
This has more to do with the dynamics of general internet activities than dating. Setting up an online book club or hiking club will generate a similar level of flakiness.
posted by benzenedream at 11:25 AM on November 8, 2011
posted by benzenedream at 11:25 AM on November 8, 2011
yeah it's not necessarily you. online dating involves a lot of 'sifting' through people to find someone you enjoy. you have to accept that not everyone is into you, just as you're not into everyone else. once you accept that and aren't offended, it's better.
the reality is for a lot of people it's easier to simply 'flake out' than to send a message or call and say "look, i don't really want to see you again, i'm not feeling it."
posted by modernnomad at 11:33 AM on November 8, 2011
the reality is for a lot of people it's easier to simply 'flake out' than to send a message or call and say "look, i don't really want to see you again, i'm not feeling it."
posted by modernnomad at 11:33 AM on November 8, 2011
Best answer: This has happened to me. As a result, I've made it my personal policy to have plans solidified PRIOR to the day of, and this means taking an active role in making the plans. If he can't handle you being assertive enough to make plans, then he can't handle dating you or being in a relationship with you. It's pretty empowering to take the reins and call them out on their flakeyness; you and your busy schedule deserve someone's polite respect, and that means being man enough to schedule plans and be OK with that before the day of said plans.
posted by floweredfish at 11:46 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by floweredfish at 11:46 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I hate to say this, but you might want to think about the character traits you find attractive in men and consider whether or not the combination of those traits leads you to flaky men.
I have a friend who loves guys who are totally spontaneous. Guys who totally fly by the seat of their pants, y'know? Every day is an adventure. Each date is unpredictable, which can be exciting. And that can probably be fun but it comes with a lot of flaky tendencies. My friend is always complaining about the guys she dates... "He's running late." "He cancelled." "I thought we had plans!" Etc. What she doesn't realize is that it's always the same, regardless of who she's dating.
This might not be what's happening to you, but it's worth considering just in case.
I'm not saying to change who you're attracted to. But, if this is part of what's going on, it just means you may need to pay a bit more attention to those signs when you meet someone for a first date.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:47 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I have a friend who loves guys who are totally spontaneous. Guys who totally fly by the seat of their pants, y'know? Every day is an adventure. Each date is unpredictable, which can be exciting. And that can probably be fun but it comes with a lot of flaky tendencies. My friend is always complaining about the guys she dates... "He's running late." "He cancelled." "I thought we had plans!" Etc. What she doesn't realize is that it's always the same, regardless of who she's dating.
This might not be what's happening to you, but it's worth considering just in case.
I'm not saying to change who you're attracted to. But, if this is part of what's going on, it just means you may need to pay a bit more attention to those signs when you meet someone for a first date.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:47 AM on November 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree with what timsneezed said. When you meet someone online, it doesn't matter how well you two click - the vast majority of the time you two don't have any sort of pre-existing connection (no mutual friends, no pre-existing friendship, no shared experience, etc). I don't think that means it's okay to be rude, just that for most people saying nothing and moving on (e.g. "flakiness") is far less awkward than saying "Hey, I had a nice time last night but don't think we're compatible. Have a nice life!".
Personally, I've been trying online dating for about two years - a couple of near-successes, but a lot of duds as well. In all that time, I've only had one woman respond to a date request with "thanks but no thanks", so it's definitely not the norm.
Also, I'll admit I've unexpectedly flaked out a few times (not on dates, just cutting off communication) - usually because I have other issues pop up (work, family emergencies, etc) that eat up my attention for a week or two and the conservation (and sparks) sort of die out during the break in communication. A little frustrating at times, but that's life. Maybe that's been happening to some of the guys you've been talking to?
I know you said you don't have options for meeting guys besides online, but are you sure about that? If that's true, maybe there's ways to change that (I would need more details to offer specific suggestions). Online dating is okay, but I think it works best as a supplement, done in conjunction with building a better social network, getting involved in more activities, making more friends, etc offline.
Hang in there - it's a very frustrating process, but when it does finally work you'll realize that it was totally worth the effort :)
posted by photo guy at 8:28 PM on November 8, 2011
Personally, I've been trying online dating for about two years - a couple of near-successes, but a lot of duds as well. In all that time, I've only had one woman respond to a date request with "thanks but no thanks", so it's definitely not the norm.
Also, I'll admit I've unexpectedly flaked out a few times (not on dates, just cutting off communication) - usually because I have other issues pop up (work, family emergencies, etc) that eat up my attention for a week or two and the conservation (and sparks) sort of die out during the break in communication. A little frustrating at times, but that's life. Maybe that's been happening to some of the guys you've been talking to?
I know you said you don't have options for meeting guys besides online, but are you sure about that? If that's true, maybe there's ways to change that (I would need more details to offer specific suggestions). Online dating is okay, but I think it works best as a supplement, done in conjunction with building a better social network, getting involved in more activities, making more friends, etc offline.
Hang in there - it's a very frustrating process, but when it does finally work you'll realize that it was totally worth the effort :)
posted by photo guy at 8:28 PM on November 8, 2011
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posted by virginia_clemm at 10:39 AM on November 8, 2011 [8 favorites]