When is it OK to talk to my wife's therapist?
November 7, 2011 7:00 PM Subscribe
When is it OK to talk to my wife's therapist?
I joined my wife's therapy session today, for the first time, at the invitation of my wife and her therapist. She has seen the therapist regularly for at least 1.5 years.
Following today's session, I have a clarification and concern I would like to express to the counsellor. The clarification has to do with the frequency of our fights, which are much more frequent than she seemed to realize. The concern has to do with my wife's drinking, which by NIH metrics is categorically 'high risk' and which precedes most of our fights.
Is it OK to contact the counsellor with these concerns? I am quite certain that my wife would be furious if I did this, especially with regard to the drinking. How do I contact the counsellor? Just call her listed phone number? When do I contact the counsellor?
I joined my wife's therapy session today, for the first time, at the invitation of my wife and her therapist. She has seen the therapist regularly for at least 1.5 years.
Following today's session, I have a clarification and concern I would like to express to the counsellor. The clarification has to do with the frequency of our fights, which are much more frequent than she seemed to realize. The concern has to do with my wife's drinking, which by NIH metrics is categorically 'high risk' and which precedes most of our fights.
Is it OK to contact the counsellor with these concerns? I am quite certain that my wife would be furious if I did this, especially with regard to the drinking. How do I contact the counsellor? Just call her listed phone number? When do I contact the counsellor?
Any counsellor with ethics would tell you that she couldn't talk to you about your wife.
posted by looli at 7:08 PM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by looli at 7:08 PM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
You could find a (different) therapist who can see both of you together, so you can tell your side of the story. But don't contact your wife's therapist.
posted by cabingirl at 7:10 PM on November 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by cabingirl at 7:10 PM on November 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
ither that, or keep a secret from your wife, with you?
I don't know the details of the ethics/laws around this,but my friend called my therapist (US) when she was worried about me, and my therapist told me he was required to tell me everything they had talked about. And he did tell me.
BTW, I wasnt mad that my friend talked to him, but didn't like that she didn't tell me what the conversation was about. It felt infantilizing, and like an invasion of my relationship with my therapist.
posted by sweetkid at 7:13 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know the details of the ethics/laws around this,but my friend called my therapist (US) when she was worried about me, and my therapist told me he was required to tell me everything they had talked about. And he did tell me.
BTW, I wasnt mad that my friend talked to him, but didn't like that she didn't tell me what the conversation was about. It felt infantilizing, and like an invasion of my relationship with my therapist.
posted by sweetkid at 7:13 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you'd like to go to couples' therapy, that's one thing, but addressing your wife's therapist is a serious ethical breach, and she would be unwise to discuss anything at all with you.
posted by Gilbert at 7:14 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Gilbert at 7:14 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is it OK to contact the counsellor with these concerns?
No.
posted by jason's_planet at 7:15 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
No.
posted by jason's_planet at 7:15 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
No, you cannot contact the therapist.
posted by mleigh at 7:17 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 7:17 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would bring it up when you go with her again. It's best to deal with these things in session. Just tell your wife that you found the session helpful and would like to go with her again, if for some reason it was a one-off.
posted by katypickle at 7:17 PM on November 7, 2011 [38 favorites]
posted by katypickle at 7:17 PM on November 7, 2011 [38 favorites]
Sounds like a good thing for you to express in another joint session.
posted by Perplexity at 7:27 PM on November 7, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Perplexity at 7:27 PM on November 7, 2011 [9 favorites]
No, don't do this, even though it seems like it might be for her own good. Whatever good her therapist is doing could be undone if she loses trust in him/her because of your conversation. Or she'll see you as more of an enemy than she may already. If you're going to bring it up, do so in a joint session so that your wife won't feel quite so powerless like she would if she found out you'd gone to her therapist behind her back.
posted by katillathehun at 7:30 PM on November 7, 2011
posted by katillathehun at 7:30 PM on November 7, 2011
Go with katypickle and Perplexity's suggestions, in my view, and go with her again. The main thing is that her therapist is there for her, not you, and even your concerns are going to be seen as more about you than about her. The therapist is going to be focused on the thoughts and feelings coming from your wife's own mouth.
posted by sweetkid at 7:33 PM on November 7, 2011
posted by sweetkid at 7:33 PM on November 7, 2011
katypickle and Perplexity have it — either drop it or tell your wife that you want a return engagement, and don't be surprised if she insists upon knowing why. Alternately, get a different therapist for couples counseling.
Best course though, seems to me, is to tell your wife what you're considering and why, and take it back there if/when that opportunity arises; it'd make for a better outcome of your wifes therapy if all the cards were laid face up on the table, even if she refutes it straightaway, even if you're completely off track — the therapist will have a better lay of the land.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:33 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best course though, seems to me, is to tell your wife what you're considering and why, and take it back there if/when that opportunity arises; it'd make for a better outcome of your wifes therapy if all the cards were laid face up on the table, even if she refutes it straightaway, even if you're completely off track — the therapist will have a better lay of the land.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:33 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Meanwhile, have you tried Alanon or other groups for family of people who drink too much?
posted by mareli at 7:46 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 7:46 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
My friends who are counsellors have told me it's okay to call someone's counsellor and leave them a voice mail. No counsellor will be able to do anything with the information and they will not be able to talk with you. But they will no doubt take your concerns under consideration. But given that you are married and in joint counselling (it seems), I would just bring it up at a future session.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:52 PM on November 7, 2011
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:52 PM on November 7, 2011
Just dropping in to second the advice that if you want couples counseling, you should ask her current therapist for a referral for a new, unbiased couples therapist. Lots of people (plenty of therapists included) think it's OK for a patient's partner to join sessions and have this informally evolve into couples counseling, but it's bad practice (not to mention unethical).
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 8:09 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Mrs.Spiffy at 8:09 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
Any therapist worth her weight in salt will know the fights and drinking are more out of hand that your wife is telling her. That's what therapists are good at doing.
posted by chairface at 9:07 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by chairface at 9:07 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's okay to TELL your wife's counsellor something. But the counsellor cannot tell YOU anything about what goes on in your wife's therapy.
(I have family members who work as therapists. Also I have done this for my Mum, at the suggestion of MY therapist - I called her therapist and said that I was worried about her self-harming. The therapist was unable to discuss this with me further, but assured me that the information was useful, and that she would not tell my mother I had called.)
But I think that some of your concerns at least are maybe not in the category of "OMG need to let therapist know". I'm not entirely convinced that contacting the therapist about these would directly help your wife (unlike, for example, if you were letting the therapist know that she was suicidal, or not taking medication, or similar). Rather, it's more about putting forward your perspective and "correcting" your wife's portrayal of your relationship. The drinking, on the other hand, might be useful information, but I still think it's kind of borderline.
posted by lollusc at 9:09 PM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
(I have family members who work as therapists. Also I have done this for my Mum, at the suggestion of MY therapist - I called her therapist and said that I was worried about her self-harming. The therapist was unable to discuss this with me further, but assured me that the information was useful, and that she would not tell my mother I had called.)
But I think that some of your concerns at least are maybe not in the category of "OMG need to let therapist know". I'm not entirely convinced that contacting the therapist about these would directly help your wife (unlike, for example, if you were letting the therapist know that she was suicidal, or not taking medication, or similar). Rather, it's more about putting forward your perspective and "correcting" your wife's portrayal of your relationship. The drinking, on the other hand, might be useful information, but I still think it's kind of borderline.
posted by lollusc at 9:09 PM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yes, you need a different therapist for couple's counseling. Your wife's therapist has forged a relationship with her that is very important, and they cannot become your therapist also without destroying that relationship. You have to trust that her therapist is looking out for her sufficiently, and you should find a different one for issues pertaining to the two of you together.
As a data point, my therapist routinely asks me about my drinking, smoking, drug use, et al, because any change or excess is relevant to my mental health. It's very likely her therapist is doing the same.
posted by Errant at 9:12 PM on November 7, 2011
As a data point, my therapist routinely asks me about my drinking, smoking, drug use, et al, because any change or excess is relevant to my mental health. It's very likely her therapist is doing the same.
posted by Errant at 9:12 PM on November 7, 2011
My experience with the therapist for my adult child is much like lollusc. I can tell him anything but (1) he won't give me any information back and (2) he will probably tell my child/his client that I contacted him and the gist of what I said. (In your case, it might be "Your husband called and told me he was concerned about your drinking.") I think it is common for therapists would refuse to keep your call a secret since if the client found out, it could damage the trust in the therapist-client relationship.
My current strategy is that if I think something is really important, I send the therapist an email and cc: the client (my adult child). It helps me be more careful about what I say and keeps everything above board.
posted by metahawk at 10:03 PM on November 7, 2011
My current strategy is that if I think something is really important, I send the therapist an email and cc: the client (my adult child). It helps me be more careful about what I say and keeps everything above board.
posted by metahawk at 10:03 PM on November 7, 2011
I 90% agree with the comments about that a discussion between you and your wife and a therapist should be with an independent therapist.
However, 10% of me wonders why the invitation was issued in the first place. What were your wife (and therapist) hoping to achieve here? If they were interested in initiating a discussion, then it's hard tio see how the therapist could have remained 'neutral' in all this.
It seems a bit one-sided on your spouse's part to present you to her therapist, for whatever reason, without allowing you to further develop that relationship.
posted by carter at 4:30 AM on November 8, 2011
However, 10% of me wonders why the invitation was issued in the first place. What were your wife (and therapist) hoping to achieve here? If they were interested in initiating a discussion, then it's hard tio see how the therapist could have remained 'neutral' in all this.
It seems a bit one-sided on your spouse's part to present you to her therapist, for whatever reason, without allowing you to further develop that relationship.
posted by carter at 4:30 AM on November 8, 2011
You can tell the therapist anything you want. The therapist is under an obligation to not tell you anything [that your wife hasn't allowed them to discuss].
But I also agree that it probably won't go well. It would be better to have another joint session with the therapist and discuss it then, with your wife in the room and fully aware of what's going on. Therapy is about improving communication.
posted by gjc at 4:47 AM on November 8, 2011
But I also agree that it probably won't go well. It would be better to have another joint session with the therapist and discuss it then, with your wife in the room and fully aware of what's going on. Therapy is about improving communication.
posted by gjc at 4:47 AM on November 8, 2011
Joint session, yes. I'm hopeful that your wife's therapist already knows that you wife is blowing sunshine about the drinking and fights, but if the therapist has fallen into the trap of becoming your wife's advocate instead of her therapist, having all three of you in the room is likely the best way to improve the process for your wife - and that's really the end goal.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:43 AM on November 8, 2011
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:43 AM on November 8, 2011
Let your wife know that you thought the session was extremely helpful, and that you would like to attend another one with her jointly if she's willing to have you. During this session, don't accuse your wife of misrepresenting things; instead, express the concern that you found the previous session really helpful, and one of the reasons you found it so helpful was because it enabled you to see a potential disconnect between the two of you on how often you perceive you are fighting. The therapist will take it from there.
Incidentally, this might involve her helping you both determine how often you actually are fighting, or this might involve her confronting your wife directly, or this might involve her helping you both understand that the specific frequency is not the important thing to be concerned about, or...you get the idea. Don't fight the direction; just express your concern and see where it goes. It might not be where you expect.
posted by davejay at 4:19 PM on November 8, 2011
Incidentally, this might involve her helping you both determine how often you actually are fighting, or this might involve her confronting your wife directly, or this might involve her helping you both understand that the specific frequency is not the important thing to be concerned about, or...you get the idea. Don't fight the direction; just express your concern and see where it goes. It might not be where you expect.
posted by davejay at 4:19 PM on November 8, 2011
Based on experiences in my own life, I would say that you should have this discussion not with the therapist but directly with your wife, E.G.: "Wife, in our joint session, I felt like your therapist might not have understood the frequency and cause of our fights. Have you considered talking to her more about how much difficulty I have with your drinking and the problems our disagreements are causing in our relationship?"
The hard answer is that nothing you do can fix your wife's drinking. I'll nth the recommendation for Alanon, although I can't actually say that I've enjoyed a single meeting I've been to. I do know that they've helped me. After practically running out of the first meeting I went to, I found a lot of things that helped me in these two pamphlets.
Good luck. You're in a terrible, painful situation. I hope that you can get the help that you need, even if your wife can't do the same for herself yet. I can, at least, vouch that opening myself to Alanon helped me to coexist better with my partner and, eventually, support him when he decided he needed help!
posted by kitarra at 7:13 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
The hard answer is that nothing you do can fix your wife's drinking. I'll nth the recommendation for Alanon, although I can't actually say that I've enjoyed a single meeting I've been to. I do know that they've helped me. After practically running out of the first meeting I went to, I found a lot of things that helped me in these two pamphlets.
Good luck. You're in a terrible, painful situation. I hope that you can get the help that you need, even if your wife can't do the same for herself yet. I can, at least, vouch that opening myself to Alanon helped me to coexist better with my partner and, eventually, support him when he decided he needed help!
posted by kitarra at 7:13 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by facetious at 7:06 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]