What am I doing wrong in my relationships?
November 7, 2011 8:24 AM Subscribe
Why do my relationships enter the LET'S MAKE THIS A SERIOUS COMMITMENT I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU stage at an absurdly rapid pace? I used to think this was a kind of charming quirk, but my apparent inability to slow things down in order to determine the suitability of my partner has begun to concern me a bit. Special snowflake details inside.
posted by anonymous to human relations (31 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
First, I'm 23 and female.
In the spring of 2010, I was seeing a guy who told me within the first three days that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. At the time, I thought this was a sweet declaration, and if I'm honest with all of you and with myself, I probably felt the same way. Things ended up not working out, and we barely talk anymore. Looking back, I have NO idea what I saw in him at all - we're not really at similar points in life, though we're the same age, and things would never have worked out long term. His early declaration of love should definitely have been a red flag, but I found it charming.
Then this past summer, I became involved with another dude who declared that he loved me the very night we met. This scared me a little bit, but he was incredibly convincing. He turned out to be married with a young child, and I have ceased contact. Again, I should have been freaked out by how strongly he came on, but he made me feel special and wanted.
Most recently, I've been seeing a guy who seems really nice and genuine, but on some level, I'm afraid he's dicking me around. We met about two weeks ago, and already he's discussing taking a vacation together soon and various other Serious Relationship type plans. This is all fine, except for the niggling voice that tells me the previous guys seemed "nice and genuine" too, and I was quickly sucked into a too-good-to-be-true fantasy relationship which quickly fizzled. I guess it's just hard for me to tell if this is real, or if it's like previous attempts at a relationship.
Anyway, the only consistent factor in all of my relationships is me. I'm beginning to wonder if I give off some kind of needy distress vibe which causes these men to come on really strong. I had a (very) difficult childhood and worry that my ability to form healthy relationships has suffered as a consequence.
What is it about my approach to relationships that causes this to happen? How can I take a step back and be a little more objective during the early days of seeing someone?