Moved in with my girlfriend and I am very unhappy, feeling smothered. How do I get her to give me enough time to myself?
November 6, 2011 8:44 AM Subscribe
Moved in with my girlfriend and I am very unhappy, feeling smothered. How do I get her to give me enough time to myself?
It's gotten to the point where we are fighting every week, sometimes for days at a time. We're both in our mid 20s (I'm a straight male, she a straight female, to avoid any ambiguities) and we are both living with an SO for the first time ever. We've been together a little over a year and moved in together about 2-3 months ago.
The biggest issue in the relationship for me has always been that she is somewhat clingy while I require a healthy amount of "alone time" to relax and de-stress. For clarification, alone time for me is time where I am literally alone (as in, no one else is in the room) and I am free to read, listen to music and/or work on creative hobbies. I highly prize having some chunk of my day devoted just to my own "inner world", and feel that I require this for maintaining my mental health. My girlfriend, however, does not operate on this principle, and seems to always read my requests for alone time as "I need space". The "I need space" line has always read, for me, as a polite way of saying "I'm not ready for this level of intimacy". I don't feel like that's the case with me, though – I LITERALLY need time to be alone, and I am otherwise quite happy with the level of intimacy. I need time when I am not sitting with my girlfriend, or eating with her, or talking to her, or anything. She either does not understand this concept at all or cannot stop herself from interfering.
Here's an example: I'm sitting at my computer working on a hobby project after a long day of work. I need silence to concentrate and I like being alone when I work on this, so I go into the next room. After a few minutes, she follows me and sits down next to me so close that we are touching, and cracks open a book. She starts chatting with me. I am distracted, so I put on headphones. She lays back on the couch and stretches her legs out across mine, again so she is touching me (and keeping me from getting up or feeling relaxed). She keeps talking to me with the headphones on, and I have to keep taking them off to hear her. I'm irritated by now. All I want is two measly hours to myself! Why can't she just give me that?
When I had my own place, it was fairly easy to get this time to myself. I could just send her a text message on any given afternoon saying I have plans, although she did get upset if I wanted to leave and go home. (The "I'm busy" line worked well because I could delivery it electronically, so I didn't need to be assertive.)
Because of the distance between us imposed by our separate living situations, I felt that the relationship worked quite well up until we moved in together a few months ago. We now live in a small apartment and my girlfriend works from home and has very few friends that live nearby, so she rarely goes out without me. (She used to, but I think she has been spending more time at home now than before, possibly for financial reasons.) That combined with a lot of work-related stress in her life right now means that she is demanding a lot of my attention. And while I love her and want to support her and I DO like spending time with her, I have my limits. I'm a severely introverted guy who cannot operate without this "alone time" to relax between the various responsibilities of my life.
It feels like I'm stuck in a feedback loop. I'm not sure how to go about asking for alone time when we live in the same place, and when I do, we get into a fight. That fight serves as further stress, and less time alone. Multiply this by several months and you have an idea of where the relationship is at right now. She resents me for not giving her enough attention, and I resent her for demanding an unreasonable amount of attention. I would give ANYTHING to get her out of the house for 2-3 nights a week for hobbies or friends, or do something on Saturday nights instead of whatever i'm doing. (If I wanted to go out with some friends on Saturday night, for instance, I would feel guilty not inviting her, since she never has plans.)
It's really sad because this is the best relationship I've ever been in in terms of compatibility, shared interests and general lifestyle and outlook. We're almost like best friends and we do share a lot of our lives, as any couple does. But it seems like she just cannot give me the time I need for myself, or accept the idea of me having a private life separate from her. An ideal relationship for me does not involve spending every afternoon and weekend 100% in each other's company – you need time for your own things and your own friends. I want to have a life outside of the relationship, and I hope she does, too!
I will admit that I saw this coming. I was reluctant to move in together because I feared this exact scenario would occur. She had been pushing for it for months (the end of her lease impending) and was very upset at my reluctance to abandon the bachelor life. Finally, I decided to give it a shot, but I think part of me never expected it to work out.
So I figure I have two options: 1) solve the communication problem and get her to understand my needs and how we can make it work or 2) move out (which will certainly end the relationship and also cost me hundreds of dollars.). The operative question is: is this relationship salvageable, or are we just incompatible? Does she need something that I can't provide, and vice-versa?
It's gotten to the point where we are fighting every week, sometimes for days at a time. We're both in our mid 20s (I'm a straight male, she a straight female, to avoid any ambiguities) and we are both living with an SO for the first time ever. We've been together a little over a year and moved in together about 2-3 months ago.
The biggest issue in the relationship for me has always been that she is somewhat clingy while I require a healthy amount of "alone time" to relax and de-stress. For clarification, alone time for me is time where I am literally alone (as in, no one else is in the room) and I am free to read, listen to music and/or work on creative hobbies. I highly prize having some chunk of my day devoted just to my own "inner world", and feel that I require this for maintaining my mental health. My girlfriend, however, does not operate on this principle, and seems to always read my requests for alone time as "I need space". The "I need space" line has always read, for me, as a polite way of saying "I'm not ready for this level of intimacy". I don't feel like that's the case with me, though – I LITERALLY need time to be alone, and I am otherwise quite happy with the level of intimacy. I need time when I am not sitting with my girlfriend, or eating with her, or talking to her, or anything. She either does not understand this concept at all or cannot stop herself from interfering.
Here's an example: I'm sitting at my computer working on a hobby project after a long day of work. I need silence to concentrate and I like being alone when I work on this, so I go into the next room. After a few minutes, she follows me and sits down next to me so close that we are touching, and cracks open a book. She starts chatting with me. I am distracted, so I put on headphones. She lays back on the couch and stretches her legs out across mine, again so she is touching me (and keeping me from getting up or feeling relaxed). She keeps talking to me with the headphones on, and I have to keep taking them off to hear her. I'm irritated by now. All I want is two measly hours to myself! Why can't she just give me that?
When I had my own place, it was fairly easy to get this time to myself. I could just send her a text message on any given afternoon saying I have plans, although she did get upset if I wanted to leave and go home. (The "I'm busy" line worked well because I could delivery it electronically, so I didn't need to be assertive.)
Because of the distance between us imposed by our separate living situations, I felt that the relationship worked quite well up until we moved in together a few months ago. We now live in a small apartment and my girlfriend works from home and has very few friends that live nearby, so she rarely goes out without me. (She used to, but I think she has been spending more time at home now than before, possibly for financial reasons.) That combined with a lot of work-related stress in her life right now means that she is demanding a lot of my attention. And while I love her and want to support her and I DO like spending time with her, I have my limits. I'm a severely introverted guy who cannot operate without this "alone time" to relax between the various responsibilities of my life.
It feels like I'm stuck in a feedback loop. I'm not sure how to go about asking for alone time when we live in the same place, and when I do, we get into a fight. That fight serves as further stress, and less time alone. Multiply this by several months and you have an idea of where the relationship is at right now. She resents me for not giving her enough attention, and I resent her for demanding an unreasonable amount of attention. I would give ANYTHING to get her out of the house for 2-3 nights a week for hobbies or friends, or do something on Saturday nights instead of whatever i'm doing. (If I wanted to go out with some friends on Saturday night, for instance, I would feel guilty not inviting her, since she never has plans.)
It's really sad because this is the best relationship I've ever been in in terms of compatibility, shared interests and general lifestyle and outlook. We're almost like best friends and we do share a lot of our lives, as any couple does. But it seems like she just cannot give me the time I need for myself, or accept the idea of me having a private life separate from her. An ideal relationship for me does not involve spending every afternoon and weekend 100% in each other's company – you need time for your own things and your own friends. I want to have a life outside of the relationship, and I hope she does, too!
I will admit that I saw this coming. I was reluctant to move in together because I feared this exact scenario would occur. She had been pushing for it for months (the end of her lease impending) and was very upset at my reluctance to abandon the bachelor life. Finally, I decided to give it a shot, but I think part of me never expected it to work out.
So I figure I have two options: 1) solve the communication problem and get her to understand my needs and how we can make it work or 2) move out (which will certainly end the relationship and also cost me hundreds of dollars.). The operative question is: is this relationship salvageable, or are we just incompatible? Does she need something that I can't provide, and vice-versa?
Usual AskMeFi advice applies. Print this thread out (including theichibun's comment). Give it to her.
posted by yeolcoatl at 9:00 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by yeolcoatl at 9:00 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Maybe when requesting your alone time, you could explicitly schedule some kind of together time afterwards.
"GF, I want to go and hole up with the door closed on my project now, but at 7 or so I'd really love to watch a movie with you". Then make very sure you come out at 7 and watch the movie.
This may help her learn that you don't mean "You've annoyed me and I'm withdrawing affection to punish you". There are people in the world who will not only withdraw affection as punishment but explicitly deny that they are doing so - if your GF has been brought up by people like this it's no wonder she has trouble understanding you.
Also, if there's something in your lives preventing your GF from having her own independent social life, you could try sorting that out. "Enjoy your night out drinking with your friends" sounds so much better than "Please spend the evening on the sofa by yourself, I need to commune with my computer now".
posted by emilyw at 9:06 AM on November 6, 2011 [73 favorites]
"GF, I want to go and hole up with the door closed on my project now, but at 7 or so I'd really love to watch a movie with you". Then make very sure you come out at 7 and watch the movie.
This may help her learn that you don't mean "You've annoyed me and I'm withdrawing affection to punish you". There are people in the world who will not only withdraw affection as punishment but explicitly deny that they are doing so - if your GF has been brought up by people like this it's no wonder she has trouble understanding you.
Also, if there's something in your lives preventing your GF from having her own independent social life, you could try sorting that out. "Enjoy your night out drinking with your friends" sounds so much better than "Please spend the evening on the sofa by yourself, I need to commune with my computer now".
posted by emilyw at 9:06 AM on November 6, 2011 [73 favorites]
Seconding the idea to have her read this post. It's clear that you love her and want to be in a relationship with her, so hopefully she will be able to see that.
For what it's worth, I see her expectations as completely unreasonable. I am like you with requiring alone time, and if my partner demanded constant togetherness I could not be married.
posted by something something at 9:06 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, I see her expectations as completely unreasonable. I am like you with requiring alone time, and if my partner demanded constant togetherness I could not be married.
posted by something something at 9:06 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tell her how you feel.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 9:10 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by Threeway Handshake at 9:10 AM on November 6, 2011
So, you can tell strangers on the internet how you feel and how you function, you can articulate it clearly and logically, and you can't tell your live-in girlfriend? We probably understand you. We probably understand how you interpret how your girlfriend functions.
Honest dialogue - that's all I can say. As yeolcoatl says - print it out and have her read it. Have her write down how she feels and hand it to you. Then the two of you need to talk.
Is the relationship salvageable, sure - if she can learn to demand a little less and you can learn to do a little more. The two of you are at a phase where you both want to learn to communicate like adults in a committed relationship. That is a good thing.
Now decide - do you want to try to make this work? If so, print it, preface it, show her, talk to her and have an honest dialogue. If she can learn to need you a little less and you can learn to shorten the duration and frequency of your "needed time alone" you guys will be all set on this issue. You both have potentially a lot of time together to find plenty of others.
Also, its a good idea to get used to less alone time. It is statistically likely that at some point in your life (read: 3-10 years) you will consider having kids with someone you are with. While there is no need to rush things, there is no such thing as alone time when there are kids in the picture.. unless you count the ride in to work.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:14 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Honest dialogue - that's all I can say. As yeolcoatl says - print it out and have her read it. Have her write down how she feels and hand it to you. Then the two of you need to talk.
Is the relationship salvageable, sure - if she can learn to demand a little less and you can learn to do a little more. The two of you are at a phase where you both want to learn to communicate like adults in a committed relationship. That is a good thing.
Now decide - do you want to try to make this work? If so, print it, preface it, show her, talk to her and have an honest dialogue. If she can learn to need you a little less and you can learn to shorten the duration and frequency of your "needed time alone" you guys will be all set on this issue. You both have potentially a lot of time together to find plenty of others.
Also, its a good idea to get used to less alone time. It is statistically likely that at some point in your life (read: 3-10 years) you will consider having kids with someone you are with. While there is no need to rush things, there is no such thing as alone time when there are kids in the picture.. unless you count the ride in to work.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:14 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I need silence to concentrate and I like being alone when I work on this, so I go into the next room.
Did you explain to her why you were moving to the next room?
After a few minutes, she follows me and sits down next to me so close that we are touching, and cracks open a book.
Did you ask her not to?
She starts chatting with me. I am distracted, so I put on headphones.
Did you explain why you were putting on headphones? Did she know you were doing something that you needed to avoid distraction for?
She lays back on the couch and stretches her legs out across mine, again so she is touching me (and keeping me from getting up or feeling relaxed).
Did you tell her this is keeping you from feeling relaxed?
She keeps talking to me with the headphones on, and I have to keep taking them off to hear her. I'm irritated by now.
Did you tell her that you wanted to be able to keep your headphones on for a while?
All I want is two measly hours to myself! Why can't she just give me that?
How is she supposed to know you want that?
posted by meese at 9:15 AM on November 6, 2011 [49 favorites]
Did you explain to her why you were moving to the next room?
After a few minutes, she follows me and sits down next to me so close that we are touching, and cracks open a book.
Did you ask her not to?
She starts chatting with me. I am distracted, so I put on headphones.
Did you explain why you were putting on headphones? Did she know you were doing something that you needed to avoid distraction for?
She lays back on the couch and stretches her legs out across mine, again so she is touching me (and keeping me from getting up or feeling relaxed).
Did you tell her this is keeping you from feeling relaxed?
She keeps talking to me with the headphones on, and I have to keep taking them off to hear her. I'm irritated by now.
Did you tell her that you wanted to be able to keep your headphones on for a while?
All I want is two measly hours to myself! Why can't she just give me that?
How is she supposed to know you want that?
posted by meese at 9:15 AM on November 6, 2011 [49 favorites]
I've been through this exact situation, and as with many relationship issues, the answer is better communication. You can't rely on her "picking up" on your body language; you need to saying clearly, with your mouth, that you need some time alone. It also helps to be able to say roughly how much time you need, what you need it for, and what you're planning on doing afterwards that can again include her. By clearly stating your needs and desires you're enabling her to be an even better partner for you.
posted by bizwank at 9:15 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bizwank at 9:15 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
"honey, I love living with you and spending time with you but I need to sometimes work alone. If I go into the spare bedroom and close the door can you please not interrupt me? When I go in there I will let you know how long I will be there and you can tell me if you would rather I reappear at a specific time (like for dinner). I love you and I appreciate that you are being flexible about this."
That would be my script, however, I gotta say, you seem to need a lot more alone time than her which is a pretty hardwired need. When you ARE together, is she the focus of your attention or have you now devolved into "barely tolerated, putting up with you because you are in the room and interrupting my IMPORTANT hobby" level of togetherness. What hobbies does she like? Can you pay for a class/hobby supplies as gift that will get her out of the house? If you are working apart than execting to not be together 2-3 evenings and one day on the weekend does indicate a lower level of intimacy than a lot of couples that live together after dating one year.
You both have different expectations about your relationship, and perhaps different levels of security in each other. Take her out for a nice dinner where you reaffirm how much you love her and love living with her and work together, through open communication to resolve the problem together. In your whole long askmetafilter you only briefly mention talking to her about this problem, but, tellingly, you don't offer her perspective. Were you listening when she explained it?
posted by saucysault at 9:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
That would be my script, however, I gotta say, you seem to need a lot more alone time than her which is a pretty hardwired need. When you ARE together, is she the focus of your attention or have you now devolved into "barely tolerated, putting up with you because you are in the room and interrupting my IMPORTANT hobby" level of togetherness. What hobbies does she like? Can you pay for a class/hobby supplies as gift that will get her out of the house? If you are working apart than execting to not be together 2-3 evenings and one day on the weekend does indicate a lower level of intimacy than a lot of couples that live together after dating one year.
You both have different expectations about your relationship, and perhaps different levels of security in each other. Take her out for a nice dinner where you reaffirm how much you love her and love living with her and work together, through open communication to resolve the problem together. In your whole long askmetafilter you only briefly mention talking to her about this problem, but, tellingly, you don't offer her perspective. Were you listening when she explained it?
posted by saucysault at 9:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are an introvert and she is an extrovert. As a fellow introvert person, it seems to me that we tend to know what extroverts are thinking (mostly because they THINK OUT LOUD and all), but they rarely have any sort of understanding that we even exist as a category, and our different standards are strange and foreign.
As such, I think it helps to have a third-party explanation such as this classic article:
Caring for your introvert
She needs to understand that it's not just some weird and unique quirk on your part, or something personal about her. Your motivations and inclinations are actually pretty significantly different from hers, and in pretty established ways; and as a life partner, she should learn more about those differences and make some accommodations for them.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [25 favorites]
As such, I think it helps to have a third-party explanation such as this classic article:
Caring for your introvert
She needs to understand that it's not just some weird and unique quirk on your part, or something personal about her. Your motivations and inclinations are actually pretty significantly different from hers, and in pretty established ways; and as a life partner, she should learn more about those differences and make some accommodations for them.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [25 favorites]
Some things stand out in your post: she works from home, she never has plans, she has very few friends that live nearby. One of the possibilities is she's feeling lonely and abandoned, or maybe even borderline depressed (you also mentioned some work-related stress). This is something you guys need to work through together: not just getting her to lay off you when you need alone time, but helping her find a way to get her human contact needs needs met.
I'm seconding saucysault's questions about whether there's something you can help her do to get her out of the house to be social, and what she said (were you listening) when she explained how she feels about this problem. Without knowing the answer to the latter question in particular, we're not likely to be able to help you find a solution that meets both your needs and hers.
posted by immlass at 9:21 AM on November 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
I'm seconding saucysault's questions about whether there's something you can help her do to get her out of the house to be social, and what she said (were you listening) when she explained how she feels about this problem. Without knowing the answer to the latter question in particular, we're not likely to be able to help you find a solution that meets both your needs and hers.
posted by immlass at 9:21 AM on November 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
I think you need to come right out and tell your girlfriend what your needs are. It sounds like your level of irritation depends on mind reading. If you haven't told your girlfriend how you expect to spend your time - and come to a compromise with her about how she expects to spend her time - then you need to do that. Ideally, you should have a discussion about how your time together looks. It sounds like you are an introvert and that she is more extroverted than you are, for sure. It makes sense to talk about those differences and how to accommodate them.
Also, if money is a problem for her and not for you, can you look at how your finances work together? Can you free up money for her to take a course? Or perhaps even for her to get counselling, if her job is very hard on her and she's not happy?
Also, you can talk about how to set up alone time. Perhaps it makes sense to spend time with one another when you both get home from work, and then for you to be alone from 8-10pm, for example. It's also possible that she thinks that, by sitting on the sofa and reading or just occasionally talking to you, she is giving you alone time. (That would feel reasonable to me, but I am not an introvert.) Taking the time to talk about these differences now can help you better manage your relationship.
Also, if you need 100% alone time some of the time, you may want to accommodate her need to sometimes go out and do extroverted things.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:21 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also, if money is a problem for her and not for you, can you look at how your finances work together? Can you free up money for her to take a course? Or perhaps even for her to get counselling, if her job is very hard on her and she's not happy?
Also, you can talk about how to set up alone time. Perhaps it makes sense to spend time with one another when you both get home from work, and then for you to be alone from 8-10pm, for example. It's also possible that she thinks that, by sitting on the sofa and reading or just occasionally talking to you, she is giving you alone time. (That would feel reasonable to me, but I am not an introvert.) Taking the time to talk about these differences now can help you better manage your relationship.
Also, if you need 100% alone time some of the time, you may want to accommodate her need to sometimes go out and do extroverted things.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:21 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do you two have the same sleeping schedule? On weekends, I tend to wake up two or three hours earlier than my boyfriend, and fall asleep two or three hours earlier. We've both got two or three totally uninterrupted hours a day, which goes a long way towards keeping us sane.
I tend to default towards "Unless he specifically tells me he wants to be alone, it'd be nice if we could be together." So if we're both hanging out on the bed reading and he heads to the living room, I'll probably follow unless he says, "Hey - I'm going to go into the other room to get some work done. Can I come grab you in an hour or two?" I'm not totally clear on whether you're telling her "I need to work on this by myself for a while so I'm not distracted. Give me X amount of time." If you're not, than start doing so!
posted by ChuraChura at 9:22 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I tend to default towards "Unless he specifically tells me he wants to be alone, it'd be nice if we could be together." So if we're both hanging out on the bed reading and he heads to the living room, I'll probably follow unless he says, "Hey - I'm going to go into the other room to get some work done. Can I come grab you in an hour or two?" I'm not totally clear on whether you're telling her "I need to work on this by myself for a while so I'm not distracted. Give me X amount of time." If you're not, than start doing so!
posted by ChuraChura at 9:22 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, I missed that she works from home. She needs to find ways to combat home office isolation. Even volunteering somewhere can help her reconnect with the world at large and may go a long way to helping her feel better and to manage her needs for human contact.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Going intoto the other room w/your laptop is not the same as saying honey i need to decompress alone in a little me-bubble for a while before dinner, ok if i hibernate till 7? Then she knows what you need and gets an opportunity to say ok ... or to say actually I need a little cuddle time first. And then you work it out.
As an introvert who need s alone time every day I think the other thing to consider is that 2 hours of me bubble time after a full workday leaves very little couple-time. Moving in together means both of you adapting to new routines, with more emphasis on meeting the other person's needs than before. I get up an hour before anyone else and everyone knows not to bother me during that hour. I take a longer route home and go out walking alone at lunch. I still get my me-bubbles, they're just smaller & spaced throughout the day.
posted by headnsouth at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [23 favorites]
As an introvert who need s alone time every day I think the other thing to consider is that 2 hours of me bubble time after a full workday leaves very little couple-time. Moving in together means both of you adapting to new routines, with more emphasis on meeting the other person's needs than before. I get up an hour before anyone else and everyone knows not to bother me during that hour. I take a longer route home and go out walking alone at lunch. I still get my me-bubbles, they're just smaller & spaced throughout the day.
posted by headnsouth at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [23 favorites]
Is there a way to dedicate a place in the house as a project space? I had a live in partner where there was a little of this going on from both sides. It was only from good intentions, we both had a lot of stuff we liked doing alone, but we also enjoyed pottering around the house together on Sunday afternoons. It is likely that is what she thinks she is doing. What worked for us was having a dedicated "Project Room" where it was pretty much understood that the person inside it was doing something and not really looking for socializing. Even when we had to be in there together (this was 10 years ago, all of our huge clunky computer stuff was in that room.) we were pretty respectful of at least not interrupting what the other person was doing. I think having that space made it a lot more clear whether serious reading was being done or whether it was lazy reading that could be gladly interrupted for snuggles. She probably just can't tell the difference. We also had a designated date night to avoid any "Why do you spend all of your time in the Project Room?" angst. Which was good for me because when his schoolwork picked up I definitely would have felt that way if I didn't have something to look forward to. It really can be handled with communication.
This of course only speaks to the house issue. You still need to have a big talk about the rest of it. I just wanted to share it because it worked for me pretty painlessly in what has the potential to be a fraught situation.
posted by troublewithwolves at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
This of course only speaks to the house issue. You still need to have a big talk about the rest of it. I just wanted to share it because it worked for me pretty painlessly in what has the potential to be a fraught situation.
posted by troublewithwolves at 9:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
I agree with the general "tell her how you feel" sentiment, but as you say you've been arguing a lot over personal space lately, it sounds to me like you may have already tried that.
So. Keep talking -- talking about your feelings in a relationship is good! But I'd suggest you also explore ways to enforce your alone time with or without her help.
Can you work on your hobby out of the house? Could you take a laptop to a library and sit in some abandoned dusty corner reference section and work there?
Could you surprise your girlfriend with a gift certificate for some sort of weekly class she has always wanted to take? Some hobby classes at libraries etc. are even free -- I wouldn't sign her up for something without making sure she wants it but you could even just say "Hey I found this brochure about this thing you've always wanted to do!" and give it to her. Could you surprise her by setting up a "girls' night out" with old friends of hers (at someplace cheap -- picnic in the park or something)? Could you buy her a pair of knitting needles and a manual? Could you
I do understand why not having the opportunity to spend much time out of the house talking to people would cause her to be clingy and chatty all the time with you -- as someone who has spent a lot of my time over the past several years working from home / staying home with a small child, I've been guilty of doing this to my husband. There are plenty of days when he is the only adult I've seen in person all day and I just have SO. MANY. WORDS. bottled up inside me. And I'm an introvert! So anything you could do to encourage her to get out of the house and talk to other people would probably help.
posted by BlueJae at 9:24 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
So. Keep talking -- talking about your feelings in a relationship is good! But I'd suggest you also explore ways to enforce your alone time with or without her help.
Can you work on your hobby out of the house? Could you take a laptop to a library and sit in some abandoned dusty corner reference section and work there?
Could you surprise your girlfriend with a gift certificate for some sort of weekly class she has always wanted to take? Some hobby classes at libraries etc. are even free -- I wouldn't sign her up for something without making sure she wants it but you could even just say "Hey I found this brochure about this thing you've always wanted to do!" and give it to her. Could you surprise her by setting up a "girls' night out" with old friends of hers (at someplace cheap -- picnic in the park or something)? Could you buy her a pair of knitting needles and a manual? Could you
I do understand why not having the opportunity to spend much time out of the house talking to people would cause her to be clingy and chatty all the time with you -- as someone who has spent a lot of my time over the past several years working from home / staying home with a small child, I've been guilty of doing this to my husband. There are plenty of days when he is the only adult I've seen in person all day and I just have SO. MANY. WORDS. bottled up inside me. And I'm an introvert! So anything you could do to encourage her to get out of the house and talk to other people would probably help.
posted by BlueJae at 9:24 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
It sounds like she would benefit to take a class or volunteer or something, which will get her out of the house and meeting people.
However, I do have to say I would feel spurned if my SO needed 2 hours of "alone time" every night. You don't specify if this is an every-night sort of thing. I'm assuming you work during the day and don't see her? So if you get home at 5:30 let's say, and have dinner, and then from 7-9 is your alone time, and then you spend a few hours together before bed, I would start to feel like you were just as much "in a relationship" with your hobbies as with me. (This might also bring up some issues about how each of you view relationships in your overall life - should they be more important, or on an equal plane with hobbies/interests/friends/etc.?)
It would also depend on when you schedule or need your 'alone time' - I'd feel much more spurned if you walked in the door and immediately wanted your alone time before dinner, or hurried through dinner so you could go be alone, than if you spent some time with me first.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:25 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
However, I do have to say I would feel spurned if my SO needed 2 hours of "alone time" every night. You don't specify if this is an every-night sort of thing. I'm assuming you work during the day and don't see her? So if you get home at 5:30 let's say, and have dinner, and then from 7-9 is your alone time, and then you spend a few hours together before bed, I would start to feel like you were just as much "in a relationship" with your hobbies as with me. (This might also bring up some issues about how each of you view relationships in your overall life - should they be more important, or on an equal plane with hobbies/interests/friends/etc.?)
It would also depend on when you schedule or need your 'alone time' - I'd feel much more spurned if you walked in the door and immediately wanted your alone time before dinner, or hurried through dinner so you could go be alone, than if you spent some time with me first.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:25 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
I think emilyw has it. Solving this should be a two-pronged approach: you need alone time and she needs better-quality time with you. I wonder if she objects to your alone time because she feels like she isn't getting enough good-quality time with you, and so she spends as much time with you as possible in order to get what she needs. Do you guys still have dedicated date nights, or everyday rituals to explicitly focus all your attention on each other? If not, I can totally see why she sits on the couch and chats with you all the time -- you're substituting high-intensity quality time with longer bouts of low-intensity time, and when you want to reduce even that she gets alarmed. It worked when you two were living apart because all time is quality time when you have to make an effort to go across town to see each other, but now that you're just there it's not as special anymore.
Focus for awhile on creating explicit opportunities to be together and be all love-y. I like date nights because it sets up a clear, predictable pattern to look forward to all week. Make sure she knows why you're both setting up these new rituals so everyone's on board and knows "this is the time we spend together." You two should also settle on what types of things are important, how frequently things should occur, etc. When she feels a little more content and secure with the quality-time issue, she likely won't get so flustered when you want to be alone.
Working from home can also be a pretty isolating situation. She needs to find a way to get out of the house with other friends so the whole burden of entertainment doesn't fall on you.
posted by lilac girl at 9:27 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Focus for awhile on creating explicit opportunities to be together and be all love-y. I like date nights because it sets up a clear, predictable pattern to look forward to all week. Make sure she knows why you're both setting up these new rituals so everyone's on board and knows "this is the time we spend together." You two should also settle on what types of things are important, how frequently things should occur, etc. When she feels a little more content and secure with the quality-time issue, she likely won't get so flustered when you want to be alone.
Working from home can also be a pretty isolating situation. She needs to find a way to get out of the house with other friends so the whole burden of entertainment doesn't fall on you.
posted by lilac girl at 9:27 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I went through this when my boyfriend and I moved in together. I did finally talk to him about needing some 'alone time'. He wasn't at all offended and I realized that I was simply uncomfortable asking for what I once took for granted (he on the other hand had no idea--as he is more extroverted than I am, comes from a big family, always had roommates, etc). I also found ways to be alone without making it necessarily his problem (doing my work at the library instead of at the dining room table, for example). The thing that really helped, though, was time. I am way less in dire need (that is how it felt, dire) for time alone than I was five years ago when he and I first moved in together.
posted by marimeko at 9:30 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by marimeko at 9:30 AM on November 6, 2011
I'm sitting at my computer working on a hobby project after a long day of work.
So after a long day of work, do you do anything with your GF? Because I'd take it poorly if my husband came home from work, pecked me on the lips and immediately sat down at a screen. I understand the need to decompress and recharge, but she's been at work all day, alone, and is probably wanting some attention, affection from you.
If she's following you into a room and sitting close, that's a clue that you might need to schedule couple-time into your day. You're not roomies who have sex.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:37 AM on November 6, 2011 [30 favorites]
So after a long day of work, do you do anything with your GF? Because I'd take it poorly if my husband came home from work, pecked me on the lips and immediately sat down at a screen. I understand the need to decompress and recharge, but she's been at work all day, alone, and is probably wanting some attention, affection from you.
If she's following you into a room and sitting close, that's a clue that you might need to schedule couple-time into your day. You're not roomies who have sex.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:37 AM on November 6, 2011 [30 favorites]
I have a similar situation, although different. I'm an academic and need to write papers and study often, while she works a regular job. Doing good work in my field requires a lot of time alone, quietly reading and writing (which is really why I went into it, because I cherish my alone time.) It makes things hard because the time when I'm "working" is rather nebulous and changes and so it's hard to know when I'm free to be disturbed or not.
We worked out like this: I have a schedule of work time and non-work time, and I stick to it, aligning it with the time that she's free. Except when there are pressing deadlines, when my work time runs out, I spend time with her doing us stuff, no questions asked, no complaints allowed. Thus we understand each other: when my schedule is marked work, she can't bother me unless its an emergency, and when its marked non-work, I can't complain that I need to be alone.
posted by dis_integration at 9:51 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
We worked out like this: I have a schedule of work time and non-work time, and I stick to it, aligning it with the time that she's free. Except when there are pressing deadlines, when my work time runs out, I spend time with her doing us stuff, no questions asked, no complaints allowed. Thus we understand each other: when my schedule is marked work, she can't bother me unless its an emergency, and when its marked non-work, I can't complain that I need to be alone.
posted by dis_integration at 9:51 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
You're making this out to be your girlfriend's problem when it's you who won't decide and define your boundaries. Neither one of you are using your words, which you're going to have to do if you want to have a relationship. She's not psychic, neither are you, and you're both young and inexperienced so it's hard to even accidentally get this right (and it's one of the hardest aspects of relationships, right behind money and child-rearing). You're going to have to talk about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:14 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 10:14 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
It's important to realize you had a relationship problem before moving in together. Having to lie to her to get alone time (telling her you were busy instead of the truth) was not a sign of good relationship health; it was a sign of a lack of trust.
You might or might not be compatible. You might be able to compromise, or your needs might just be too far apart. But you made the commitment to move in together, knowing what that entailed, and now you owe it to her and to your relationship to give this a real shot by being honest and upfront and communicating your needs by telling her what you told all of us.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
You might or might not be compatible. You might be able to compromise, or your needs might just be too far apart. But you made the commitment to move in together, knowing what that entailed, and now you owe it to her and to your relationship to give this a real shot by being honest and upfront and communicating your needs by telling her what you told all of us.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:16 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Nthing that you need to communicate to her why you need alone time, and especially that it's just how you function and not any fault of hers. Something like "I love you and I love spending time with you, but my brain simply shorts out if I don't have plenty of alone time to recharge." And once you guys are on the same page with that, notify her when you're about to go on some alone time. "I'm going to be working on X for the next two hours and I'll need to concentrate." And, yes, balance it out with planning on doing things together. Cohabitation is all about compromise.
One of the most important living-together skills is learning how to be alone in each other's presence - being in the same room or even on the same couch, but quietly and comfortably doing your own thing. If you're used to having a whole apartment to yourself and entire days alone, that probably sounds impossible to achieve. If you're used to the dating stage of a relationship when you're actively doing things together every time you're physically together, it's similarly difficult to start thinking that way. So both of you will have some adjusting to do. With time and patience and clear communication, your space bubble and her appetite for attention will both get smaller and easier to manage.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:18 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
One of the most important living-together skills is learning how to be alone in each other's presence - being in the same room or even on the same couch, but quietly and comfortably doing your own thing. If you're used to having a whole apartment to yourself and entire days alone, that probably sounds impossible to achieve. If you're used to the dating stage of a relationship when you're actively doing things together every time you're physically together, it's similarly difficult to start thinking that way. So both of you will have some adjusting to do. With time and patience and clear communication, your space bubble and her appetite for attention will both get smaller and easier to manage.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:18 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Grow a backbone and set some boundaries with her, being totally honest yet not critical with her. Don't feel bad about needing space. Stand up for yourself and don't give in to emotional manipulation, however good of a person your girlfriend may be. She's a grown woman who should be able to handle being by herself while you're working. She'd be unreasonable and a little unhealthy if she couldn't understand what you're saying here. It does sound like she needs to get a life outside of your relationship, honestly. That's her issue, and she needs to work on that.
Part of the problem from what you've said seems to be that she doesn't take criticism or confrontation with a clear head. Perhaps writing a letter to her and letting her think about it for a couple days before responding would be a better option. Emphasize all the qualities you love about her first, then talk about your grievances. Have you looked into Myers Briggs typology? I agree with what was stated up thread about the introvert/extrovert differences and how they're playing into this.
posted by sunnychef88 at 10:19 AM on November 6, 2011
Part of the problem from what you've said seems to be that she doesn't take criticism or confrontation with a clear head. Perhaps writing a letter to her and letting her think about it for a couple days before responding would be a better option. Emphasize all the qualities you love about her first, then talk about your grievances. Have you looked into Myers Briggs typology? I agree with what was stated up thread about the introvert/extrovert differences and how they're playing into this.
posted by sunnychef88 at 10:19 AM on November 6, 2011
It's important to realize you had a relationship problem before moving in together. Having to lie to her to get alone time (telling her you were busy instead of the truth) was not a sign of good relationship health; it was a sign of a lack of trust.
I don't see any evidence in the question that the poster told lies. I think you might be making an extrovert's assumption that alone time doesn't count as "plans" or "busy" or "otherwise engaged". To an introvert it does.
posted by oliverburkeman at 10:28 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
I don't see any evidence in the question that the poster told lies. I think you might be making an extrovert's assumption that alone time doesn't count as "plans" or "busy" or "otherwise engaged". To an introvert it does.
posted by oliverburkeman at 10:28 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is one of those problems that really can't be solved 'in the moment', because by the time she's followed you into the other room, you're already annoyed, and then you are probably less than entirely kind to her when you raise the issue of needing along time, and then the two of you fight.
You need to sit down at some point where you're not in the middle of a fight about this problem, and talk about it. Perhaps over dinner.
You may need to work out some kind of schedule or trade-offs. Because while your desire to have a few hours to yourself is perfectly reasonable, so is her desire to be near the person she loves and talk to you.
If she's home alone most of the day, her desire to have some kind of human contact, even if it's just sitting near you and chatting, is probably equally as strong and driving as your desire to have some kind of time alone. Possibly moreso. That doesn't mean she automatically gets to win, and you don't get any alone time, but especially if she's particularly stressed at the moment, you may need to stretch your comfort level on that front a little more than you might like in order to be there for her.
It's unfortunate that she works from home and you work somewhere else. If your situations were reversed, you'd probably both find your relationship a lot easier, because you wouldn't be looking to each other for all of your contact/non-contact needs.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:51 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
You need to sit down at some point where you're not in the middle of a fight about this problem, and talk about it. Perhaps over dinner.
You may need to work out some kind of schedule or trade-offs. Because while your desire to have a few hours to yourself is perfectly reasonable, so is her desire to be near the person she loves and talk to you.
If she's home alone most of the day, her desire to have some kind of human contact, even if it's just sitting near you and chatting, is probably equally as strong and driving as your desire to have some kind of time alone. Possibly moreso. That doesn't mean she automatically gets to win, and you don't get any alone time, but especially if she's particularly stressed at the moment, you may need to stretch your comfort level on that front a little more than you might like in order to be there for her.
It's unfortunate that she works from home and you work somewhere else. If your situations were reversed, you'd probably both find your relationship a lot easier, because you wouldn't be looking to each other for all of your contact/non-contact needs.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:51 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding the advice above that getting up earlier than her could be a great way to get some extra time to yourself when she won't feel neglected. I usually have about 45 minutes alone in the morning and 45 in the evening which adds up to enough quiet time to keep me sane.
posted by tomcooke at 10:53 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by tomcooke at 10:53 AM on November 6, 2011
I don't see any evidence in the question that the poster told lies.
I don't think he exactly told a lie by saying he had plans when he wanted to spend time alone, but he wasn't exactly forthcoming with her. I get the feeling he avoided explicitly saying that his "plans" involved him just hanging out alone, probably because he assumed she either would not understand or would react poorly (which he probably was right). I think that extroverted people, or at the very least people who don't need a lot of alone time, have a hard time understanding why someone would want to be alone. Alone = / = lonely, to an introvert, but it does to an extrovert. And to her, it might feel like a rejection as well - "he'd rather spend time by himself than with me?"
[threadjack] I'm actually an introvert but I had this same sort of issue come up this weekend where it took me a second to wrap my mind around my boyfriend wanting to do something alone that I would want to do together, and that not being a a reflection of his feelings for me.[/threadjack]
I would like to know if he expressed his need for a lot of alone time to her prior to moving in together. And whether she was always "slightly clingy."
Also, different people have different needs and different ways of measuring/qualifying what is "attention." They'll have to talk this through to figure out if they are capable of meeting one another's needs. But in my experience, "slightly clingy" and "inner world" people do not mix well unless they are willing to compromise, communicate, and occasionally take one for the "team."
posted by sm1tten at 10:54 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think he exactly told a lie by saying he had plans when he wanted to spend time alone, but he wasn't exactly forthcoming with her. I get the feeling he avoided explicitly saying that his "plans" involved him just hanging out alone, probably because he assumed she either would not understand or would react poorly (which he probably was right). I think that extroverted people, or at the very least people who don't need a lot of alone time, have a hard time understanding why someone would want to be alone. Alone = / = lonely, to an introvert, but it does to an extrovert. And to her, it might feel like a rejection as well - "he'd rather spend time by himself than with me?"
[threadjack] I'm actually an introvert but I had this same sort of issue come up this weekend where it took me a second to wrap my mind around my boyfriend wanting to do something alone that I would want to do together, and that not being a a reflection of his feelings for me.[/threadjack]
I would like to know if he expressed his need for a lot of alone time to her prior to moving in together. And whether she was always "slightly clingy."
Also, different people have different needs and different ways of measuring/qualifying what is "attention." They'll have to talk this through to figure out if they are capable of meeting one another's needs. But in my experience, "slightly clingy" and "inner world" people do not mix well unless they are willing to compromise, communicate, and occasionally take one for the "team."
posted by sm1tten at 10:54 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just tell her. All relationships are doomed unless open communication is possible.
I require a healthy amount of "alone time" to relax and de-stress.
Tell her this. It really is that simple. And if she gets upset, you say "Seriously. This is how I am. This is what I need. This is the guy you moved in with. This aspect of him is not going to change. I love you, so I really hope you can be okay with that. Because if you can't, we have a problem."
posted by Decani at 10:56 AM on November 6, 2011
I require a healthy amount of "alone time" to relax and de-stress.
Tell her this. It really is that simple. And if she gets upset, you say "Seriously. This is how I am. This is what I need. This is the guy you moved in with. This aspect of him is not going to change. I love you, so I really hope you can be okay with that. Because if you can't, we have a problem."
posted by Decani at 10:56 AM on November 6, 2011
I think you might be making an extrovert's assumption that alone time doesn't count as "plans" or "busy" or "otherwise engaged". To an introvert it does.
This is a lot harder to navigate when you're living together, though. When you have separate apartments and your partner says he's going to stay in and work tonight, it's natural to make other plans. When you live together and your partner says he's going to stay in and work tonight, it's easy to think, "I could use a quiet night in, too--I'll sit next to you on the couch and read while you work." When you live together, you need to say, "I need some time alone"--but that won't go over well if you've never explained that "I need some time alone" doesn't have anything to do with your love for or desire to be with your partner.
There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, but if you're an introvert in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your need for time alone, you can't assume she can intuit what you need based on your leaving the room or putting headphones on. I agree with others who suggest you need to be more intentional about having couple time in addition to being more explicit about why and when you need time alone. Emilyw's script is genius, and I think you should follow it, but I think you also need to first have a conversation with your girlfriend in which you acknowledge her need for time together and explain your need for time alone.
I suggest you phrase it along the lines of, "I love spending time with you AND sometimes I need to just be by myself in a room with no distractions, not even you, even though I love you." Not "but I need time alone," "and I need time alone." Don't imply that you need to recover from spending time with your girlfriend.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:03 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is a lot harder to navigate when you're living together, though. When you have separate apartments and your partner says he's going to stay in and work tonight, it's natural to make other plans. When you live together and your partner says he's going to stay in and work tonight, it's easy to think, "I could use a quiet night in, too--I'll sit next to you on the couch and read while you work." When you live together, you need to say, "I need some time alone"--but that won't go over well if you've never explained that "I need some time alone" doesn't have anything to do with your love for or desire to be with your partner.
There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, but if you're an introvert in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your need for time alone, you can't assume she can intuit what you need based on your leaving the room or putting headphones on. I agree with others who suggest you need to be more intentional about having couple time in addition to being more explicit about why and when you need time alone. Emilyw's script is genius, and I think you should follow it, but I think you also need to first have a conversation with your girlfriend in which you acknowledge her need for time together and explain your need for time alone.
I suggest you phrase it along the lines of, "I love spending time with you AND sometimes I need to just be by myself in a room with no distractions, not even you, even though I love you." Not "but I need time alone," "and I need time alone." Don't imply that you need to recover from spending time with your girlfriend.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:03 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh, I feel you. The closest I came to divorcing the wife was my last month in Europe, when most of our stuff was shipped back to the states, neither of us were working, she didn't really speak the language or have friends over there, we were trying to save money so we weren't really doing anything, and she had nothing else to do. She even synced her sleep schedule with mine so we had to spend every waking moment together. It was driving me nuts to the point that I'd make up errands than have her go do them so I could get an hour to myself. It had never really been an issue before because we'd both worked weird schedules, so I always had some alone time.
What I eventually wound up telling her, summarized, was me needing alone time is not a rejection of her (a lot of people will take "I want to be alone" as "I want to be away from you personally" not "I need some time to recharge and want space from everyone in the entire world"), I just need some time to myself to be happy and functional. Those introvert articles in The Atlantic helped a lot, too.
As to the "working on projects" issue, she probably can't tell whether you're screwing around and looking at cat pictures or you're Working On A Project. Have you explained you have these preferences/projects? All I do is say, "I'm doing some serious work now and I need it kinda quiet for the next few hours".
Not to judge her, but people who work from home really do need to find social outlets or they'll go a little crazy. I work from home and like to think I could be a hermit in a cave, but I suspect I'd be similarly clingy if I didn't have lots of friends to meet for lunch and dinner, regular industry gatherings to go hang out at, etc. At one point I was living in a verrrry small town with nothing at all to do and working from home so I'm pretty sure my regular trips to Kroger for a cold drink or a pack of mints were what kept me from going bonkers.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:04 AM on November 6, 2011
What I eventually wound up telling her, summarized, was me needing alone time is not a rejection of her (a lot of people will take "I want to be alone" as "I want to be away from you personally" not "I need some time to recharge and want space from everyone in the entire world"), I just need some time to myself to be happy and functional. Those introvert articles in The Atlantic helped a lot, too.
As to the "working on projects" issue, she probably can't tell whether you're screwing around and looking at cat pictures or you're Working On A Project. Have you explained you have these preferences/projects? All I do is say, "I'm doing some serious work now and I need it kinda quiet for the next few hours".
Not to judge her, but people who work from home really do need to find social outlets or they'll go a little crazy. I work from home and like to think I could be a hermit in a cave, but I suspect I'd be similarly clingy if I didn't have lots of friends to meet for lunch and dinner, regular industry gatherings to go hang out at, etc. At one point I was living in a verrrry small town with nothing at all to do and working from home so I'm pretty sure my regular trips to Kroger for a cold drink or a pack of mints were what kept me from going bonkers.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:04 AM on November 6, 2011
Solitude is a necessity for many (often generalized as a characteristic of introverts) as important as air, food, water. Rather than explain whys and wherefores of each specific action, actually have a scheduled conversation about this - google stuff and send it to her to read and then talk about it as a need, just like going to the toilet, that you have over the course of the natural day. Then there aren't the overtones of any emotional or personal aspects so much as the characteristic of one individual over another.
Some (Psychology)useful (creativity) articles, even spiritual
this is probably why I tend to find myself defaulting to choosing singledom I suspect
posted by infini at 11:08 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some (Psychology)useful (creativity) articles, even spiritual
this is probably why I tend to find myself defaulting to choosing singledom I suspect
posted by infini at 11:08 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have had a few introverted boyfriends. That article "caring for your introvert" posted above is very good, read it, get her to read it, and discuss it. You're wired differently than her and that's ok. If she really loves you, she will do her best to understand that and work within the constraints of being in a relationship with an introvert. Then she'll realize you have needs that she has to meet too. Then you will learn to compromise, like we did with alone time.
An introverted (ex)boyfriend and I developed "alone time, together". While he was hiding out in his room for a designated period, I'd take me-time too - reading, baking, crafts, personal grooming, going out with friends/family. If I needed human interaction, I'd get it from someone else. But when just reading, I found it weird to not be in the same room as him when we're both home. So, sometimes I'd take a book and sit in the chair in the corner of his room to read, knowing that my invading his space meant staying quiet and unobtrusive. It was hard not to talk at first, but knowing that he appreciated the effort and read it as a sign I loved him, that helped. Eventually it became second-nature to me, if he's immersed in his own thing I don't bug him unless it's important. And so he grew to feel very comfortable having "alone time, together". We became a lot closer as a result, it takes really understanding the other person to be comfortable not talking for a few hours.
posted by lizbunny at 11:12 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
An introverted (ex)boyfriend and I developed "alone time, together". While he was hiding out in his room for a designated period, I'd take me-time too - reading, baking, crafts, personal grooming, going out with friends/family. If I needed human interaction, I'd get it from someone else. But when just reading, I found it weird to not be in the same room as him when we're both home. So, sometimes I'd take a book and sit in the chair in the corner of his room to read, knowing that my invading his space meant staying quiet and unobtrusive. It was hard not to talk at first, but knowing that he appreciated the effort and read it as a sign I loved him, that helped. Eventually it became second-nature to me, if he's immersed in his own thing I don't bug him unless it's important. And so he grew to feel very comfortable having "alone time, together". We became a lot closer as a result, it takes really understanding the other person to be comfortable not talking for a few hours.
posted by lizbunny at 11:12 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Mr. Pony is obsessed with cars...I talk A LOT... and I used to talk a lot while he was watching cars.
Everyone will hate me for spouting anti-feministic stuff- but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourselves a copy of "men are from mars and women are from venus".... and pay specific attention to the following chapters: 1) Men go into their caves and women talk 2.) Men are like rubber bands and 3.) Women are like waves. PLEASE! Lots of it is online.
This book helped Mr. Pony not feel guilty about watching cars for seriously long periods of time, and it helped me realize that he needs to. It also helped him understand that I JUST love to talk A LOT... and that sometimes we need to give and take.
And the book made us both sound ridiculous in a funny way... so it was always a laugh...
posted by misspony at 11:16 AM on November 6, 2011
Everyone will hate me for spouting anti-feministic stuff- but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourselves a copy of "men are from mars and women are from venus".... and pay specific attention to the following chapters: 1) Men go into their caves and women talk 2.) Men are like rubber bands and 3.) Women are like waves. PLEASE! Lots of it is online.
This book helped Mr. Pony not feel guilty about watching cars for seriously long periods of time, and it helped me realize that he needs to. It also helped him understand that I JUST love to talk A LOT... and that sometimes we need to give and take.
And the book made us both sound ridiculous in a funny way... so it was always a laugh...
posted by misspony at 11:16 AM on November 6, 2011
Suggest you get a code word and/or a sign that means "destress time needed." When she see's it, she's supposed to give you that space.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Honey, I love you. I'm gonna hole up in my room for the next X hours. Let's grab dinner after that. Thanks!"
My boyfriend and I are like you, but we like each other so much that we forget to give each other space since we are in an LDR. It might be that you and your girl need to consider how you two operate -- the best advice I ever got was to be with someone who needs the same amount of alone time as you do. Good luck.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011
My boyfriend and I are like you, but we like each other so much that we forget to give each other space since we are in an LDR. It might be that you and your girl need to consider how you two operate -- the best advice I ever got was to be with someone who needs the same amount of alone time as you do. Good luck.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011
There are many good suggestions here. This is not necessarily mutually exclusive of those: live apart. Some couples are just better at loving each other from separate homes.
When lifestyles and daily needs are this different, sometimes radical paradigm shift is what's necessary for freeing you both to restore the focus to being in happy relationship.
Yeah, that's a rare and drastic solution. Just putting it out there to consider in the big picture: what can you two do that will permanently resolve the inherent stresses -- for both -- in living together?
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 11:31 AM on November 6, 2011
When lifestyles and daily needs are this different, sometimes radical paradigm shift is what's necessary for freeing you both to restore the focus to being in happy relationship.
Yeah, that's a rare and drastic solution. Just putting it out there to consider in the big picture: what can you two do that will permanently resolve the inherent stresses -- for both -- in living together?
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 11:31 AM on November 6, 2011
Just to add: When me and Mr. Pony most looked to the Men are from Mars/ women Venus book- it was when we were first moved in together and I was unemployed... before I moved in I was working until 8 at night- so he always had a couple hours of decompress time that I didn't notice because I was working... but when I wasn't working (and living with him the first few months) I was intrinsically nervous about life, quite needy... and around ALL the time... Fast forward- I have a job I love and am out working 2-3 nights a week.
posted by misspony at 11:36 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by misspony at 11:36 AM on November 6, 2011
I don't think the assumptions about introvert/extrovert are necessarily valid. Honestly, I think the bigger part of this is that she works alone at home all day and you don't. I have friends who are high-powered couple. She is in the process of writing her PhD dissertation, he is the director of international communications in the office of the president of a Big Country. They're both extroverts.
But he spends the whole day in a stressful, unpredictable, rapidly changing environment, where people make unreasonable demands on him all day long. She spends the day alone in their apartment puzzling through her data. When he gets home, he wants 45 minutes to an hour of silence to decompress. But when he walks in the door, she wants an immediate connection with another human being. They fight about it constantly.
All that said, you need to tell her how you feel. You need to be very specific and very kind. You also have to check in with what's going on with her and why it is she feels the need to be so close that she's touching you. (Which, seriously, that would drive me INSANE.)
My natural sympathies lie with you. I need silent time alone to keep from losing my shit. If my kid didn't go to bed three hours before I did, I would be a very very unhappy person, because I need that three hours. However, I also worked freelance, alone at home, for two years, and what that made me realize is that while 3 hours a day to myself is ideal, 40+ hours a week was kind of awful. She might need alone time, too, but her quota is filled during the day when you're at work, and when you come home she's starving for contact.
posted by looli at 11:37 AM on November 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
But he spends the whole day in a stressful, unpredictable, rapidly changing environment, where people make unreasonable demands on him all day long. She spends the day alone in their apartment puzzling through her data. When he gets home, he wants 45 minutes to an hour of silence to decompress. But when he walks in the door, she wants an immediate connection with another human being. They fight about it constantly.
All that said, you need to tell her how you feel. You need to be very specific and very kind. You also have to check in with what's going on with her and why it is she feels the need to be so close that she's touching you. (Which, seriously, that would drive me INSANE.)
My natural sympathies lie with you. I need silent time alone to keep from losing my shit. If my kid didn't go to bed three hours before I did, I would be a very very unhappy person, because I need that three hours. However, I also worked freelance, alone at home, for two years, and what that made me realize is that while 3 hours a day to myself is ideal, 40+ hours a week was kind of awful. She might need alone time, too, but her quota is filled during the day when you're at work, and when you come home she's starving for contact.
posted by looli at 11:37 AM on November 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
I've always classified myself as an introvert, so I know where you're coming from. As you seem to be aware, being an introvert doesn't mean that you're not sociable—rather, it means that you need time to recharge between social activities. There's nothing wrong with this, but it might be worth explaining it to your girlfriend if it's not something she's familiar with. There's plenty of stuff out there on what it means to be an introvert, and how to live with one. Hopefully, she'll start to understand that it's nothing against her, and she'll try to accommodate your needs (and you hers).
That said, for additional anecdata: Yes, I'm an introvert. But, when I started dating my now-fiancé, it became clear to me that he was the only person I'd ever known that I could be around nonstop and not feel tired, or impatient, or otherwise like I needed to be alone. It was really eye-opening. I don't mean this as discouragement, since I suspect that I'm in the minority in having found this, but perhaps it will help you somehow to have read it. (With practice, and two understanding people—and lots of communication—perhaps it can be learned/acquired?)
posted by divisjm at 11:41 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
That said, for additional anecdata: Yes, I'm an introvert. But, when I started dating my now-fiancé, it became clear to me that he was the only person I'd ever known that I could be around nonstop and not feel tired, or impatient, or otherwise like I needed to be alone. It was really eye-opening. I don't mean this as discouragement, since I suspect that I'm in the minority in having found this, but perhaps it will help you somehow to have read it. (With practice, and two understanding people—and lots of communication—perhaps it can be learned/acquired?)
posted by divisjm at 11:41 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
While I agree with most of the "only connect" comments above, I'd add that (whether you're an innie or an outie) you need to take steps to meet your own needs. Take alone time - maybe swim, take the long road home, go to a coffee shop, take 45-minute showers, camp in the yard once a week, meditate, etc. Just do it. Tell her about it ahead of time, yes, but don't make it a problem she needs to solve. (Similarly, it sounds like she needs to get out and meet people.)
I imagine it will be much easier for you to find loving creative thoughtful responses to her genuine human needs when you've basked in solitude for a while.
posted by jcrcarter at 11:42 AM on November 6, 2011
I imagine it will be much easier for you to find loving creative thoughtful responses to her genuine human needs when you've basked in solitude for a while.
posted by jcrcarter at 11:42 AM on November 6, 2011
Maybe ask her what she needs from your time together, and you can both try to come up with ways that you can help each other get your needs met. Having an open and non-judgmental convo: "I need this. I think you need this, is that right? Ok. Hmm. Well, I know we both want each other to be happy and want to help each other. How can we work together here? I had x idea, does that work for you? Oh, your y idea is cool, I like that." This makes it a problem that you are trying to solve together and puts you both on the same side.
And I think that if you feel heard and feel confident that your needs are respected, some of the pressure will come off.
I lean more towards the introvert side of the spectrum myself, but if I were alone all day and didn't have various activities with friends I would want more than the usual amount of chatter and affection from a partner. If she's stressed out (and perhaps a bit depressed), the idea of getting out and trying to do new things / meet new people might be a little overwhelming. You might work on developing some outside friendships together (go to a meetup you both find interesting), so that hopefully eventually you are both part of a circle of friends and not relying solely on each other.
(In "Little Women" Jo expresses her need for being left alone to write by wearing a particular hat. When the hat is on, everyone else in the family knows to let her be.)
posted by bunderful at 11:53 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
And I think that if you feel heard and feel confident that your needs are respected, some of the pressure will come off.
I lean more towards the introvert side of the spectrum myself, but if I were alone all day and didn't have various activities with friends I would want more than the usual amount of chatter and affection from a partner. If she's stressed out (and perhaps a bit depressed), the idea of getting out and trying to do new things / meet new people might be a little overwhelming. You might work on developing some outside friendships together (go to a meetup you both find interesting), so that hopefully eventually you are both part of a circle of friends and not relying solely on each other.
(In "Little Women" Jo expresses her need for being left alone to write by wearing a particular hat. When the hat is on, everyone else in the family knows to let her be.)
posted by bunderful at 11:53 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh man, I can sympathize. As an introvert I need time to myself. My partner is also an introvert so when we moved in together, there were no misunderstandings about this. But I can absolutely see how if your partner is not like this, there could be aggravation and hurt feelings on both sides.
My first suggestion is to really talk to her and explain that this is something you need, and it has nothing to do with her and that you still love her and want to spend time with her, etc. Show her you mean it by planning time together.
Secondly, can you figure out different ways to meet your need for alone time? For me, I don't have to be 100% physically alone - it's just that I don't have to interact with another human being. I could be sitting in the same room as my partner, but as long as we're not chatting or cuddling it's still like being (companionably) alone. He's maybe reading and I'm on my laptop five feet away, but there's total silence and the mutual knowledge we're each doing our own thing. (Ah, introverted nerd love.) I also find I can have "alone time" by leaving the house on a long walk with my dog. Again, there are other people about, but as long as I don't have to converse with them, as long as I'm just in my own thoughts, that lets me recharge. It may be easier for your girlfriend to understand your taking the time away from her, if you're not actually in physical proximity to her.
Thirdly, there could be some signals you're inadvertently sending that may unecessarily hurt her feelings and exacerbate the situation. For example, shutting the door or putting on headphones when she's right there - these things can signal "I'm actively shutting you out". In our house of introversion we only shut the door to prevent disturbing the other person (like if someone's on a phone call in the office), and putting on headphones is not a signal for alone time - if the other person needs to say something, they do.
Sorry this got so long. I think it really boils down to really talking and communicating about both your needs and hers.
posted by asynchronous at 12:01 PM on November 6, 2011
My first suggestion is to really talk to her and explain that this is something you need, and it has nothing to do with her and that you still love her and want to spend time with her, etc. Show her you mean it by planning time together.
Secondly, can you figure out different ways to meet your need for alone time? For me, I don't have to be 100% physically alone - it's just that I don't have to interact with another human being. I could be sitting in the same room as my partner, but as long as we're not chatting or cuddling it's still like being (companionably) alone. He's maybe reading and I'm on my laptop five feet away, but there's total silence and the mutual knowledge we're each doing our own thing. (Ah, introverted nerd love.) I also find I can have "alone time" by leaving the house on a long walk with my dog. Again, there are other people about, but as long as I don't have to converse with them, as long as I'm just in my own thoughts, that lets me recharge. It may be easier for your girlfriend to understand your taking the time away from her, if you're not actually in physical proximity to her.
Thirdly, there could be some signals you're inadvertently sending that may unecessarily hurt her feelings and exacerbate the situation. For example, shutting the door or putting on headphones when she's right there - these things can signal "I'm actively shutting you out". In our house of introversion we only shut the door to prevent disturbing the other person (like if someone's on a phone call in the office), and putting on headphones is not a signal for alone time - if the other person needs to say something, they do.
Sorry this got so long. I think it really boils down to really talking and communicating about both your needs and hers.
posted by asynchronous at 12:01 PM on November 6, 2011
I very much sympathize with you. Just reading, "After a few minutes, she follows me and sits down next to me so close that we are touching, and cracks open a book. She starts chatting with me. " gave me Introvert-Hives. Because that is NOT the same thing as reading companionably with you in the same room, it's passive-aggressively "leaving you alone" in name only.
It sounds like you guys fight about this a lot, and given that it seems you were pushed to move in together because her lease was expiring (if I read that right), it seems to me like you, at least, might not have been ready to take this step in your relationship. At the very least, it seems to me like you would both be best served by living in a much larger space, which may not be feasible at this point.
I think you guys need to try to have a calm conversation about this, as everyone else has suggested, in which you tell her that you love her and you love spending time with her, but that you chemically NEED to be alone for an hour or so. And recommit, at least to yourself, to really making the time you spend WITH her quality time -- I think that will go a long way toward solving your problems, if she's feeling shut out and like your relationship is failing.
All that being said, you shouldn't be responsible for 100% fixing the situation if it just stems from the fact that she is lonely working at home. She's a grown-up. I work from home myself, and I have lots of people other than my BF that I make plans to see and spend time with, just as part of being a happy person. You are right to sympathize if she's lonely working from home, and as someone who loves her, you should help her fix that, but YOU are not the only fix for that, and you shouldn't be, for both of your mental healths.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:36 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you guys fight about this a lot, and given that it seems you were pushed to move in together because her lease was expiring (if I read that right), it seems to me like you, at least, might not have been ready to take this step in your relationship. At the very least, it seems to me like you would both be best served by living in a much larger space, which may not be feasible at this point.
I think you guys need to try to have a calm conversation about this, as everyone else has suggested, in which you tell her that you love her and you love spending time with her, but that you chemically NEED to be alone for an hour or so. And recommit, at least to yourself, to really making the time you spend WITH her quality time -- I think that will go a long way toward solving your problems, if she's feeling shut out and like your relationship is failing.
All that being said, you shouldn't be responsible for 100% fixing the situation if it just stems from the fact that she is lonely working at home. She's a grown-up. I work from home myself, and I have lots of people other than my BF that I make plans to see and spend time with, just as part of being a happy person. You are right to sympathize if she's lonely working from home, and as someone who loves her, you should help her fix that, but YOU are not the only fix for that, and you shouldn't be, for both of your mental healths.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 12:36 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Definitely a communication problem, but I think you're in the wrong, too. 2 hours by yourself after work is a lot. If you can't use the computer in the same room as your gf, you should think about moving out and finding an introvert. :)
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:06 PM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:06 PM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm wondering about the layout of your apartment - you said it's a small place, so if you're working on the couch, where is she supposed to go, the kitchen? It'd make more sense for you to work at the kitchen table and then she could hang out on the couch where (presumably) the tv is.
posted by moxiedoll at 1:53 PM on November 6, 2011
posted by moxiedoll at 1:53 PM on November 6, 2011
I want to second the notion that two hours by yourself (where even sitting on the couch together with your feet touching is too much contact) after work every day to devote to a hobby project or dick around on the internet is a lot in the context of a live-in relationship. (Ultimately, you need what you need, but you're the one who filled his post with loaded language about reasonableness, and from my vantage [as an introvert, actually] it seems to me that you're being unreasonable here.)
If you work full time, you're probably, what, out of the house at 8:30 and back around 6:30 or 7? If you want two hours to do your own thing, it's already nine, which gives you another two hours until it's time for bed. Part of that two hours during which you're not demanding alone time often wil require some combination of cooking, eating, and household chores.
You need to talk with her, as the millions of comments in this thread make clear. But be prepared for some push back on how you are defining what behaviors are and are not reasonable. I have serious doubts about whether you're compatible, but talking this out is the only way to figure that out.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:31 PM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
If you work full time, you're probably, what, out of the house at 8:30 and back around 6:30 or 7? If you want two hours to do your own thing, it's already nine, which gives you another two hours until it's time for bed. Part of that two hours during which you're not demanding alone time often wil require some combination of cooking, eating, and household chores.
You need to talk with her, as the millions of comments in this thread make clear. But be prepared for some push back on how you are defining what behaviors are and are not reasonable. I have serious doubts about whether you're compatible, but talking this out is the only way to figure that out.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:31 PM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
One of the sucky things you discover as an introvert (or even a writer or other in-your-head kind of hobbyist) in a relationship is the only real time that ends up being truly your own comes at some ungodly hour of the morning. Honestly, two hours for yourself isn't really unreasonable, as long as you sneak it in from, say, 4:30 to 6:30 in the morning (which, I know, can be a tough time of the day for many folks, introverts or not). It always appears there are other options, yet it often comes down to this, sadly (unless you happen to be one of those true morning people). But if it's any comfort, many successful artists and other introvert-types through history seem to have found this approach workable, although for me it definitely takes effort.
posted by 5Q7 at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by 5Q7 at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
As someone whose boyfriend could probably have written most of your question, I have to second emilyw. For me, having some kind of concrete plan to do something with my guy that I can look forward to is the main thing that keeps me from feeling rejected when he wants alone time. Rationally, I know it's nothing of the sort, but on an emotional level it can be hard not to take it personally. So knowing that he still wants to spend time with me, just not right now, really helps to alleviate that fear that I've done something to upset him or whatever.
posted by lwb at 5:13 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by lwb at 5:13 AM on November 7, 2011
She's not taking hints, so you need to communicate directly and unambiguously that you need You time and you need Us time, and those times have to be distinct, that you cannot do what you need to do during your You time when she is draped over you and breaking into your solitude with unrelated talk. Then it's just a matter of agreeing on a system of scheduling and signaling that works for you both.
posted by pracowity at 7:30 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by pracowity at 7:30 AM on November 7, 2011
There are people in the world who will not only withdraw affection as punishment but explicitly deny that they are doing so - if your GF has been brought up by people like this it's no wonder she has trouble understanding you.
Or, maybe she's dated people like that in the past.
Or, are you completely sure you don't act in a similar way when you ARE pissed off at her? My ex needed chunks of alone time to function, too, which was totally fine with me and I was for it. But the problem was, when he was mad at me for something, he wouldn't like, TELL me. He'd just use the "I need alone time" thing to avoid confrontation and yes, to punish me. He was immature and sucked, but what I'm getting at is that you need to be sure she feels reassured and secure with your level of communication and honesty. If she knows that you would talk to her if you DID have a problem, then she has no reason to interpret your need for alone time as "I have a problem."
posted by GastrocNemesis at 9:18 AM on November 7, 2011
Or, maybe she's dated people like that in the past.
Or, are you completely sure you don't act in a similar way when you ARE pissed off at her? My ex needed chunks of alone time to function, too, which was totally fine with me and I was for it. But the problem was, when he was mad at me for something, he wouldn't like, TELL me. He'd just use the "I need alone time" thing to avoid confrontation and yes, to punish me. He was immature and sucked, but what I'm getting at is that you need to be sure she feels reassured and secure with your level of communication and honesty. If she knows that you would talk to her if you DID have a problem, then she has no reason to interpret your need for alone time as "I have a problem."
posted by GastrocNemesis at 9:18 AM on November 7, 2011
1) Men go into their caves and women talk 2.) Men are like rubber bands and 3.) Women are like waves.
I have no idea what any of this means, but I like having downtime and I'm female. My SO likes videogames, I like sewing, it works out. Also, we live in the Western world in 2011, so nobody has a cave.
posted by mippy at 9:19 AM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
I have no idea what any of this means, but I like having downtime and I'm female. My SO likes videogames, I like sewing, it works out. Also, we live in the Western world in 2011, so nobody has a cave.
posted by mippy at 9:19 AM on November 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
This doesn't even sound like a bf/gf problem. I've had this with roommates. For me it was a I-work-retail/They-work-alone-all-day problem. When I got home I didn't want to SEE anyone or talk to anyone for at least an hour. My roommate was STARVED for human company.
There was a question on AskMe a while back about things how to prepare for moving in together, and someone made a comment along the lines of "When he leaves his dishes in the sink, it's not because he doesn't love you. He's just a messy roommate."
I have to be careful about the stories I'm create in my head about someone else's behavior and its motivations. Is it really a capital-R Relationship problem? Or is it a small-R relationship/roommate problem? It sounds like she's telling herself a capital-R story, when it's just a regular old small-R difference in needs.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:24 AM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
There was a question on AskMe a while back about things how to prepare for moving in together, and someone made a comment along the lines of "When he leaves his dishes in the sink, it's not because he doesn't love you. He's just a messy roommate."
I have to be careful about the stories I'm create in my head about someone else's behavior and its motivations. Is it really a capital-R Relationship problem? Or is it a small-R relationship/roommate problem? It sounds like she's telling herself a capital-R story, when it's just a regular old small-R difference in needs.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:24 AM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Give her a hug and instead of telling her what not to do, ask her for her permission:"Is it ok if I just focus on this project for a little while? I promise I will be right with you after it's done."
End it with another hug and kiss, and that should be ok. And yeah, it's ok to suggest what she can do meanwhile, just make sure she is happy before she leaves.
I'm a girl and I'm just like you sometimes
posted by artofgiving at 11:13 PM on November 7, 2011
End it with another hug and kiss, and that should be ok. And yeah, it's ok to suggest what she can do meanwhile, just make sure she is happy before she leaves.
I'm a girl and I'm just like you sometimes
posted by artofgiving at 11:13 PM on November 7, 2011
This reminds me so much of an AskMe question about someone needing motivation to get work done. My favorite suggestion in the thread was from someone who said something like, "I have a work hat. When I put on the work hat, I work and I don't do anything else." See also, bunderful, above.
It sounds like you need some set boundaries about what is social time and what isn't. I've been in a similar situation before and when I asked for, and got, my 45 minutes of de-stress time after my crazy commute, I was more than happy to socialize for the rest of the evening. Often, just the guarantee of dedicated me-time is enough to make other socializing - no matter how undesirable - way more tolerable.
When you lived alone, you were in total control of your alone time. You need to assert that control in the current circumstances, with the caveat now, that you are still making time for your gf and that she knows that your "me-time" is not because you're trying to avoid your relationship or her, it's just that you need me-time to keep you sane.
I totally get where you're coming from and I'd have a hard time dealing with that situation myself. A "man cave," or really, any separate space you can carve out for yourself could go a long way toward alleviating this kind of issue. Whether it's a separate space or just a special hat, you'll never be happy unless you can draw your boundaries. Good luck!
posted by bendy at 11:22 PM on November 7, 2011
It sounds like you need some set boundaries about what is social time and what isn't. I've been in a similar situation before and when I asked for, and got, my 45 minutes of de-stress time after my crazy commute, I was more than happy to socialize for the rest of the evening. Often, just the guarantee of dedicated me-time is enough to make other socializing - no matter how undesirable - way more tolerable.
When you lived alone, you were in total control of your alone time. You need to assert that control in the current circumstances, with the caveat now, that you are still making time for your gf and that she knows that your "me-time" is not because you're trying to avoid your relationship or her, it's just that you need me-time to keep you sane.
I totally get where you're coming from and I'd have a hard time dealing with that situation myself. A "man cave," or really, any separate space you can carve out for yourself could go a long way toward alleviating this kind of issue. Whether it's a separate space or just a special hat, you'll never be happy unless you can draw your boundaries. Good luck!
posted by bendy at 11:22 PM on November 7, 2011
Mod note: folks: please take it to email, you're not answering the question.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:38 PM on November 9, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:38 PM on November 9, 2011
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posted by theichibun at 8:53 AM on November 6, 2011