The Hook Up Guide for the Awkward Guy?

November 5, 2011 12:19 PM

How do I make a move and initiate a hook up? Awkward guy in need of help!

I currently find myself in the following situation...

Some of my friends(male and females) are trying to convince me that a girl I know is into me, in a 'let's makeout!' way not a 'let's get married!' way. I really want to try and make a move but I just do not know how. To clarify, what I'd like to get out of this is a make out session that could hopefully lead fooling around/sex. And if we both enjoy our selves then maybe some more casual encounters in the future.


How do I:
Create the perfect atmosphere? We have both hung out with alone at each others apartments so inviting her to grab some food and then heading back to my place to watch a movie is not at all unprecedented in our friendship.

Gauge her interest? Is she being flirty or just friendly?

Make that first move? Say that we are both sitting there in the dark watching a movie, now what? I honestly have no idea what the proper protocol is here. This girl probably won't be expecting me to do anything and she may not even WANT me to do anything.

How do we go from two friends on a couch in a dark room enjoying a movie to two friends making out?(If we start to make out, I can take it from there)If only there was a step-by-step guide to hooking up!

(Additional details: Me, my friends, and this girl are all in our early twenties. I've had previous relationships and just got out of a serious one several months ago so I am NOT inexperienced with women, I just lack the confidence and the knowledge to make that first move.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 answers total)

"I kinda have an urge to kiss you right now."
posted by argonauta at 12:24 PM on November 5, 2011 [4 favorites]

Watch a movie in the dark.

Snuggle up close to her; if she physically moves away from you, it's a no. Rest your hand on her leg; if she physically moves it away, it's a no. Lean in to kiss her; if she physically turns away from you, it's a no. Kiss her; if she says no, it's a no.

Assuming there are no "nos" -- congratulations, you are now making out! :-)
posted by lewedswiver at 12:27 PM on November 5, 2011 [9 favorites]

I think with what you're wanting (a casual fling) and snice you're already friends you should just be straight up with her. "Hey, Sara, would you be interested in having a casual sexual relationship with me?"

If I was someone's friend and not interested in being a sexual friend I'd feel very weird being setup into an elaborate seduction senario under the guise of hanging out.

If you wanted to have a relationship I think you could go different routes like asking her out on a "real date" the next time you were setting something up to see each other.

It will feel akward asking but I know the women I've been around have appreciated it.
posted by zephyr_words at 12:34 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

As an ovary bearing member of the species, I am kind of fond of some direct communication before a person I consider a friend starts getting physical beyond the boundaries of normal friendship. Otherwise the confusion can cause unwanted drama and end up ruining your chances.

Also, make darn sure you smell good.
posted by griselda at 12:36 PM on November 5, 2011 [11 favorites]

"Hey, Sara, would you be interested in having a casual sexual relationship with me?"

Please do not do this.
posted by downing street memo at 12:38 PM on November 5, 2011 [63 favorites]

Couch, movie, wine, music.
posted by empath at 12:44 PM on November 5, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Hey, Sara, would you be interested in having a casual sexual relationship with me?"

Um, no. No no no no. No woman has ever heard the phrase "would you be interested in having a casual sexual relationship with me" delivered cold, BEFORE any fooling around has taken place, and then given the sexual green light. At least not on my planet.

When you next see her, definitely be direct about liking her by talking to her at some length, asking her about her interests and background, remembering small and big details (you hear that she grew up in Michigan! Does that mean she lived near a lake? How did she move to X city from Michigan? Oh, college? Where did she go to school? and so forth), laughing at her jokes and making some of your own. If your friends are saying she's into you, it's likely that expressing interest in her personality and background will set a good foundation. If she seems into the conversation, happily offering anecdotes and answers, then ask her on a real date.
posted by zoomorphic at 12:44 PM on November 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tequila.
posted by swift at 12:45 PM on November 5, 2011 [6 favorites]

I would NOT suggest being direct, it just doesn't work that way. I don't have the patience right now to explain why.

If your other friends say she's interested there's a good chance they've talked to her, and she has at least implicitly tried to get them to relay the massage. Can you confirm with your other friends if she has talked to them, or if it's just a hunch on their part? If the former, I think your chances are good.

Call her and invite her to hang out, one-on-one, it a place that could facilitate hooking up/make out session/whatever. The best example I can think of is ask her if she wants to come over and watch a movie. If she is interested she will say yes.

... In general, if she is interested, she will make it very easy for you. If it feels forced, she's not interested. For example, let's say she's over to watch a movie. You sit on the couch: where does she sit? Chair on the other side of the room? bad sign. Other end of the couch? good sign.
posted by cupcake1337 at 12:48 PM on November 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, add drinks into the equation. Enough to lower both parties' inhibitions. If anything is going to happen, it'll happen then. It'll be an icebreaker, and further fooling around won't need the liquid courage component.
posted by supercres at 12:50 PM on November 5, 2011

Invite her out to do something platonic and fun. At some point, look her in the eyes and smile. Most likely, this will make you blush. This is fine, as women generally consider that charming. If she starts flirting at this point, she's into it. Signs of flirting include: pointing her body or feet toward you. fussing with her hair, touching you, getting physically close to you. At this point, you are golden.
posted by Gilbert at 12:51 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

There's no "perfect". There's only "sufficient". I think going to one of your places and watching a movie is a totally acceptable thing. So is smoking weed and watching youtube. So is dancing or "clubbing", if that's your style. Inviting her back to your place for some such an activity after a night out with friends might provide the right atmosphere.
posted by Jon_Evil at 12:52 PM on November 5, 2011

Honestly, I like the movie-watching plus "want to make out?" Maybe I'm just charmed by the retro awkward feel of "let's make out", yeah, but I think it's good to ask before you move in. Think about how awkward things will be if she's not into you and you're all over her and she has to disengage. Frankly, I had that happen to me and I hated it.

Also, I'd say that as soon as possible after the initial making-out you should say something along the lines of "you're great and I'd like to keep doing this, but I figure I should tell you that I'm not looking for anything super-serious". Because in this age of hook-ups, it sure seems like one person often is under the illusion that a real relationship is on offer when it's not, and that tends to be a buzzkill for everyone.
posted by Frowner at 12:58 PM on November 5, 2011 [4 favorites]

There's really no need to ask your friends for additional information regarding her interest.

The only thing you need to know is whether YOU are interested. If you are, spend time with her. Touch her shoulder or hand when the mood strikes, like when you're both laughing about an embarrassing sweater you used to have. Have good conversation over good food.

(I think having a drink or two is fine, but getting drunk is ultimately boring, as would be intoxication on any mood-altering substance.)

At some point during one of your long conversations, both of you will fall silent. There won't be anything to say, and your mutual desire will be right there in front of you both.

That's the time to kiss.

Learning the how and when of making a first move is something you can learn. When I was in my early twenties I hadn't even dated. 20 years of friendships and relationships still haven't taken away the thrill and uncertainty of making a pass, but the one thing I do know is that you have to get to know the person in whom you claim to be interested and, at some point, risk rejection.

As a side-note, women who once rejected me some times come back after many years (hello Facebook!). 5 years, 10 years, 17 years after a rebuffed kiss in the woods.

So make your move. Besides getting practice and getting lucky, you might be laying the foundation for a future get-together.

HAVE FUN!
posted by mistersquid at 1:14 PM on November 5, 2011

You will know if you have a green light. Get some wine, a movie, and a comfortable couch. If shes close to you and up against you, thats one green liight.

I personally have missed signals before. This girl and I were watching a movie drinking. Laying on the couch she was scooting right up next to me and had her head on my chest. A little bit of grinding on her part was a green light. She also gave me one of those sexy looks with her eyes. I was totally oblivious and missed out. That boat sailed, along with an opportunity I really wanted to partake in.initial
posted by handbanana at 1:34 PM on November 5, 2011

I'd like to support the opener that zephyr_word suggested, with a minor change:

I think with what you're wanting (a casual fling) and since you're already friends, you should just be straight up with her. "Hey, Sara, would you be interested in having a casual sexual relationship with me?"


Whether or not a woman responds well to this approach is almost entirely a function of age - the woman's age, that is. When you're young and shiny and in your early twenties (as are OP and his potential hook-up), you're romantic and idealistic. Women want to be wooed properly in their twenties. Even if they're not ready for a real relationship, they still want to be approached as if they're worthy of one. It's a vanity thing. This poses a problem for a young guy who wants to do the right thing by the young female person who's sparked his interest, but who isn't seeking a traditional dating relationship. Women want to be courted beautifully, even if it's only a casual encounter (or series of them) that's on offer. So maybe avoid the term "casual encounter" (it is sort of clunky and anti-romantic), but try to be honest and convey your intentions so as not to let her down. One thing for sure - treat the woman like she's the only person in the room when you're out with her. Guys who date a lot of women can be charming, or they can be assholes. Try to be charming. Don't brag about your other women when you're on a date. Treat her like she's the loveliest creature on the planet, and the only one you're interested in when you're together. It's just better that way. She may fall in love with you, but that's the risk you're taking when you do this kind of thing. C'est la vie!

The other thing I wanted to mention - if the woman in question is older, say, over thirty - a guy's chances of getting the desired response to a "casual encouner" type approach increase like wildfire, the older the woman is. Many older woman will NOT be put off by a suggestion of a casual encounter when made by an adorable young guy. By 35 or so, a woman is less idealistic, maybe burned out a bit on the culture's fairytale promises. They may or may not have a marriage or two behind them. They no longer believe in sunsets and everything implied by the promise of the white picket fence, but they're still interested in men!

And a series of fun hook-ups with a sweet young guy who holds the door and gets the check could be precisely the ticket. Not all women are out for marriage at any cost, in other words. But your target demo should be just a little bit older in order for you to discover this fact. Good luck!
posted by cartoonella at 1:42 PM on November 5, 2011

Chances are if your friends are talking to you about her, they're also talking to her about you. So when one of them mentions her, make it obvious that you're interested! Telling her directly "You're cute, let's make out!" can be awkward because it blurs the friend/lover boundaries and risks rejection, but telling your friends is easier, right? And the information will get to her all the same. (Yes, it's a little high-school, but it's not as if set-ups ever go out of style.)

Then sometime you're with a group of friends, find something immediate, totally optional, and to do just the two of you. Ask if she wants to go on a random walk, or come over for a movie. She'll know what you're trying to say. Seconding the hand-on-the-knee thing, everyone knows what that means.
posted by vasi at 2:22 PM on November 5, 2011

Say, "Hi, you may remember me from previous times (Mention one previous time.) Would it be acceptable if I were to gauge your interest in a sexually fulfilling yet casual experience or set of experiences between the two of us?"

OR

...pick one week, go out to a movie together on Wednesday, and on that Friday invite her over for dinner and a movie. Cook the dinner. Have wine. During the movie, say, 'I'd really like to kiss you right now." You'll know if it's a go.

Don't take it far unless she seems legitimately interested or prompts you. Taking it slow the first night will make it easier for both of you to process the next day.
posted by glaucon at 2:52 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

Say, "Hi, you may remember me from previous times (Mention one previous time.) Would it be acceptable if I were to gauge your interest in a sexually fulfilling yet casual experience or set of experiences between the two of us?"

Is this serious advice?
posted by joe lisboa at 3:38 PM on November 5, 2011 [4 favorites]

I always found it more romantic when the guy asked me if he could kiss me. :)
posted by luckynerd at 4:15 PM on November 5, 2011

Grab food, head back for a movie. Whenever this has happened to me we've gone from sitting kind of close to the lean in to the kiss, no need to ask. If you're chatty during the movie it can happen then. Drinks will help.

At some point during one of your long conversations, both of you will fall silent. There won't be anything to say, and your mutual desire will be right there in front of you both.

Yeah, do it then if possible. If you miss it, don't get psyched out, but it gets more awkward with each successive evasion.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:42 PM on November 5, 2011

I'm a fan of lewdswiver's advice. But also, keep in mind that if she is into you, you'll probably get positive feedback. It's not just "snuggle and if she moves away, it's a no." It's also "if she grins or sighs happily or snuggles back, it's a big awesome yes."

Doesn't mean she's saying yes to sex, of course, or even necessarily to kissing. But it does mean she's giving an enthusiastic thumbs up to snuggling, which I'm guessing you'll probably be pretty happy about for its own sake.

And so while you're hanging out at the snuggling stage of things and waiting for the right moment to try kissing her, you'll still be enjoying yourself and getting reassurance. And when someone's already happily snuggling with you, figuring out when to kiss them is surprisingly easy. Compared to the daunting prospect of kissing someone who's currently way over at the far end of the couch, it seems like the most straightforward thing in the world. (Heck, she might even kiss you first! That would be really straightforward!)

Basically, (a) you shouldn't try going for n+1th base unless the person you're with is enthusiastically participating in nth base, but (b) if the person you're with is already enthusiastically participating in nth base, then going for n+1th base is going to feel basically natural and comfortable and okay. Just moving over to the same end of the couch as her (I guess that would be "negative-1-th base") is seriously the scariest part.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:39 PM on November 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh my god, there is some shitty advice in this thread.

Everyone is missing the point here, which is that this guy is awkward. The only way -- and this is a really, really outside chance -- that a line like "hey, feel like a casual sexual relationship?" or even just "wanna make out?" or anything spoken and direct would work is if, like, Ryan Reynolds said it. Or at least someone with preternatural confidence. OP does not have preternatural confidence -- this is the whole point of the thread. Being direct will lead to disaster. Basically, you gauge two things.

1. You do not know that this person is even into you at all; there's a chance your friends are dicking you around, reassuring you or just really imperceptive. I know this is cynical, but just because a third party tells you a girl is into you does not make that true.

2. But let's operate as if she might be. You look at body language. Is she looking at you? Is she making a conscious effort to get close to you? These are positive signs. Does she seem standoffish? This is either a neutral or negative sign, and you don't know which, so focus instead on looking for positives. Like nebulawindphone just posted, if the positives are there, everything else gets much easier.
posted by dekathelon at 7:08 PM on November 5, 2011 [7 favorites]

The sitting on the couch watching a movie to making out is a subtle art.

I hate the direct approach. It's just awful and awkward and awkward. And awkward is not hot. There is a very specific kind of person that can take the very blunt, direct approach and pull it off without coming off creepy. And on top of that the person on the other side of the equation has to be a very specific kind of person that appreciate that. The fact that you are asking that question leads me to believe you are not that person and that's ok, most people aren't.

You're both adults. You can both read body language. The key is to send out some not overtly sexual signals over a decent amount of time that gives her an easy out should she want to take it. Try sitting a little closer to her than normal, see if she scoots away or towards you. Anything excuse you can come up to touch her in a friendly, non sexual way is good, gauge her reaction see if she reciprocates. And I should reiterate: non sexual. You know touching her arm, playfully joking, that kind of thing. If this goes well you can always try and put your arm around her and see how she reacts. If all this goes well at some point you are just going to have make eye contact, pause for a beat or two, and then slowly go in for the kiss and see if she pulls away. Actually the movie hitch explained it well: you go in 90%, she goes in 10%. She doesn't go in 10 after a second, abort. Watch rest of movie, say good night and make sure she gets home ok. But she'll probably go in 10.
posted by whoaali at 8:24 PM on November 5, 2011

Here is my step by step guide for what you should do.

1. Let her sit down on the couch first.
2. You then sit down close enough to her that you are not touching, but close enough that you could put your arm around her at some future point.

If she moves away when you sit down, abort. If she doesn't move away...

3. Occasionally do some of that playful, non-sexual touching people have mentioned. Again, abort if she moves away, tells you to stop even if it's in a joking tone, etc.

At this time you can go one of two ways.

First way:

-Stretch your arms up over your head like you're just stretching them out, and put them around her shoulder when you bring them back down. This is such a cheesy move but it works so well.

-If she is okay with that then at some point lean over and smell her hair. If she's okay with that then just go for it.

Second way:

-After you've done a bunch of playful touching and she's into it, now do this: slowly move your hand to her hair and tuck some of her hair behind her ear in a slow stroking way. Keep your hand there and look into her eyes for a second or two. If she's looking back at you and she's not turning or moving away or removing your hand, then go for it.

Sigh, sometimes I feel like I would have a rad life if I transported my brain and everything it knows into a guy's body. Good luck.
posted by cairdeas at 10:14 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

If there's mutual attraction between two people, then incidental touching at the least will probably occur (if you are in close proximity). You can try "pre-moves" before making a move...slightly invading her space, leaning against her, touching her hand...if she is receptive to these things you can slowly take things further. This is how I prefer to be approached as a woman.
posted by bearette at 10:15 PM on November 5, 2011

The other thing I wanted to mention - if the woman in question is older, say, over thirty - a guy's chances of getting the desired response to a "casual encouner" type approach increase like wildfire, the older the woman is. Many older woman will NOT be put off by a suggestion of a casual encounter when made by an adorable young guy. By 35 or so, a woman is less idealistic, maybe burned out a bit on the culture's fairytale promises. They may or may not have a marriage or two behind them. They no longer believe in sunsets and everything implied by the promise of the white picket fence, but they're still interested in men!

Wait, so once women are 30, women don't give a crap whether men make an effort because they are bitter and hardened by the dating scene? Just a blunt proposition can put an unmarried 30 something in the sack in 5 mins or less?

Sorry, but I disagree.

AS for the poster, I agree that he probably isn't that smooth (per his own admission), so the advice about flirting, reading signs from his lady friend, and making a move when the time is right is probably the best advice (regardless of whether this woman is 20 or 35).
posted by superfille at 10:19 PM on November 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

I always found it more romantic when the guy asked me if he could kiss me.

Actually, when the time is right, ask her if she wants to kiss you. Either answer she gives you, you've got a rebuttal. If she says no, say "Yeah I didn't think so. Oh well." If she says yes, say "I didn't say you could." It'll drive her nuts, and then you get to save the day and kiss her. Easy money.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 11:18 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]

Snuggle up close to her; if she physically moves away from you, it's a no. Rest your hand on her leg; if she physically moves it away, it's a no. Lean in to kiss her; if she physically turns away from you, it's a no. Kiss her; if she says no, it's a no.

This is solid advice, and probably ideal. That said, I did have success once in college by literally turning to my female friend in the car (after parking) and saying literally, "Do you want to hook up?"

Looking back, *facepalm*. But she wanted to and it worked.
posted by callmejay at 7:34 AM on November 6, 2011

Just wanted to pile on here.

So at the end of a date, the guy came back from the bathroom smelling like listerine and said "wanna make out?"

We did not make out, that is not sexy.
posted by abirdinthehand at 2:12 PM on November 6, 2011

The "wanna make out" line was used. The poster has follow-up questions here.
posted by Houstonian at 4:29 AM on November 14, 2011