Dumped hard. How do I be a person?
November 3, 2011 2:07 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend just dumped me. Now what?
I will keep this short. The love of my life, the girl that made me happier than I ever realized I could be, broke up with me over the phone because she can't be in a relationship and work on her own issues without ruining the relationship. I've never been this hurt before and it came as a complete surprise. Earlier in the day we were planning what we'd do for my birthday this weekend. Nothing I could say would change her mind.
We've been together for a year and while we have had fights we've both moved on and learned from them. The relationship was fantastic.
What do I do now? All previous breakups have been mutual enough or at least not all that traumatic. I don't know how to handle this. I skipped work and stayed in bed all day. I will fully admit to bawling. I have school work to do and also a full-time job. How do I get over this to function as a person again? I have no idea how to handle these feelings. I'm still head over heels for her and love her more than anything.
I will keep this short. The love of my life, the girl that made me happier than I ever realized I could be, broke up with me over the phone because she can't be in a relationship and work on her own issues without ruining the relationship. I've never been this hurt before and it came as a complete surprise. Earlier in the day we were planning what we'd do for my birthday this weekend. Nothing I could say would change her mind.
We've been together for a year and while we have had fights we've both moved on and learned from them. The relationship was fantastic.
What do I do now? All previous breakups have been mutual enough or at least not all that traumatic. I don't know how to handle this. I skipped work and stayed in bed all day. I will fully admit to bawling. I have school work to do and also a full-time job. How do I get over this to function as a person again? I have no idea how to handle these feelings. I'm still head over heels for her and love her more than anything.
Take a deep breath. It sucks when this happens; I'm sorry. You WILL be okay. It will just take time.
Be good to yourself, let yourself feel the grief and confusion and other bad feelings, but also believe in your own intrisic lovability and your ability to cope with this and carry on. Call a friend, be sure you're eating and sleeping at least enough to keep yourself sane while you're in the (temporary) darkest part of this. You will come out of it.
It's a wonderful thing about the world that there are many, many people who could be great partners for you, and you have seen that you have the ability to form a loving relationship with such a person. You will be able to do it again in the future with someone else, who will have a whole other set of wonderful qualities that you won't believe you ever lived without.
Again, call friends, call family, lean on the people around you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Be good to yourself, let yourself feel the grief and confusion and other bad feelings, but also believe in your own intrisic lovability and your ability to cope with this and carry on. Call a friend, be sure you're eating and sleeping at least enough to keep yourself sane while you're in the (temporary) darkest part of this. You will come out of it.
It's a wonderful thing about the world that there are many, many people who could be great partners for you, and you have seen that you have the ability to form a loving relationship with such a person. You will be able to do it again in the future with someone else, who will have a whole other set of wonderful qualities that you won't believe you ever lived without.
Again, call friends, call family, lean on the people around you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've been there. It sucks. There's pretty much nothing you can do to make it not-suck. Spend as much time with your closest friends as possible, this is what they're there for. They know you'd do the same for them. If you drink, don't hit it too hard, it won't help. That said, melancholy is part of the process, and if one good night of getting that out of your system helps, well and good. It'll take time, but you will get through it. Just try to hold it together and rely on people who care about you. You're already through the hardest bit.
posted by chmmr at 2:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by chmmr at 2:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh, honey, hugs hugs hugs.
There will be other loves of your life, really. Getting through this? Some say let yourself wallow for a day or two (I find this helpful) until you get sick of it. I go for this. Reach out for friends, family, whatever support you have. Just let them know you're going through this.
My other thing is work, work, work. But I'm a bit of a workaholic, anyways, so YMMV
posted by angrycat at 2:16 PM on November 3, 2011
There will be other loves of your life, really. Getting through this? Some say let yourself wallow for a day or two (I find this helpful) until you get sick of it. I go for this. Reach out for friends, family, whatever support you have. Just let them know you're going through this.
My other thing is work, work, work. But I'm a bit of a workaholic, anyways, so YMMV
posted by angrycat at 2:16 PM on November 3, 2011
Give yourself a couple of days to indulge in wallowing and crying and watching bad TV, listening to songs that make you bawl some more, etc. Write as much as you like - but do not do not send her any of it.
Call your friends. And get busy distracting yourself - go out to places where you didn't go with her, do stuff you didn't do with her, hang out with people you didn't hang out with with her (if you can - I know that social circles can get all mixed together).
I'm really sorry this is happening. I know how awful it is. You will get through it, but it will suck. You will be okay, after a while, honest.
posted by rtha at 2:17 PM on November 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
Call your friends. And get busy distracting yourself - go out to places where you didn't go with her, do stuff you didn't do with her, hang out with people you didn't hang out with with her (if you can - I know that social circles can get all mixed together).
I'm really sorry this is happening. I know how awful it is. You will get through it, but it will suck. You will be okay, after a while, honest.
posted by rtha at 2:17 PM on November 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
What do you do? First you thank your lucky stars she had the decency to do this before your birthday. I assure you it would've stung twice as bad if it happened after.
Then you do whatever the fuck you feel like. You want to lay in bed in the dark and listen to the most depressing album you have (I recommend Get Lonely by the Mountain Goats) and feel awful and cry? Go right ahead. Except the trick is to do it while not feeling bad about doing it. You can feel bad about the breakup, but don't feel bad about how you feel or react. Don't get suckered into social conceptions about how as a dude you need to John Wayne yourself through this. The only way you're getting through it is by going through it.
Then when you're done being sad for a while -- and you will be; being really sad gets dull and lonely -- go find some people and do stuff. Have some friends who are watching TV tonight? Go watch TV with them. You want to talk about it? Talk about it. You don't want to talk about it? Wait until you're ready to talk about it and then talk about it.
When its time to go to work or school, and you think you're ready, you go and you do it. You'd be surprised how readily your brain will jump at any distraction it can get.
posted by griphus at 2:18 PM on November 3, 2011 [19 favorites]
Then you do whatever the fuck you feel like. You want to lay in bed in the dark and listen to the most depressing album you have (I recommend Get Lonely by the Mountain Goats) and feel awful and cry? Go right ahead. Except the trick is to do it while not feeling bad about doing it. You can feel bad about the breakup, but don't feel bad about how you feel or react. Don't get suckered into social conceptions about how as a dude you need to John Wayne yourself through this. The only way you're getting through it is by going through it.
Then when you're done being sad for a while -- and you will be; being really sad gets dull and lonely -- go find some people and do stuff. Have some friends who are watching TV tonight? Go watch TV with them. You want to talk about it? Talk about it. You don't want to talk about it? Wait until you're ready to talk about it and then talk about it.
When its time to go to work or school, and you think you're ready, you go and you do it. You'd be surprised how readily your brain will jump at any distraction it can get.
posted by griphus at 2:18 PM on November 3, 2011 [19 favorites]
Oh, yeah, and erase her phone number from your phone, delete all old text messages, de-friend her on every social network, take down every picture you have and generally excise her from your life. No, it's not permanent -- no one is asking you to FORGET HER FOREVER -- but right now the last thing you need is reminders. Your brain will do a fine enough job getting sad over potato chip flavors she used to like and commercials she used to make fun of that it doesn't need any help from you.
posted by griphus at 2:19 PM on November 3, 2011 [30 favorites]
posted by griphus at 2:19 PM on November 3, 2011 [30 favorites]
Ride it out my friend. That's all you can do.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:19 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:19 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
What do you do? First you thank your lucky stars she had the decency to do this before your birthday. I assure you it would've stung twice as bad if it happened after.
Unfortunately, looks like his birthday is November 1. But, I still agree with the lucky stars thanking in that she did it now before things went further down the line.
This is one of those life Sucker Punch Events that just knock the wind out of you. My best advice is to be really kind to yourself, and get a good night sleep. I know it may sound counterintuitive, but things seem so much better to me after a good night's sleep.
I also recommend staying away from social media for a while because other people getting on with their lives will piss you off.
And cuddle with puppies and/or kittens. Seriously.
You will get through this. The pain will subside. This will be a door closing/window opening opportunity.
posted by Leezie at 2:21 PM on November 3, 2011
Unfortunately, looks like his birthday is November 1. But, I still agree with the lucky stars thanking in that she did it now before things went further down the line.
This is one of those life Sucker Punch Events that just knock the wind out of you. My best advice is to be really kind to yourself, and get a good night sleep. I know it may sound counterintuitive, but things seem so much better to me after a good night's sleep.
I also recommend staying away from social media for a while because other people getting on with their lives will piss you off.
And cuddle with puppies and/or kittens. Seriously.
You will get through this. The pain will subside. This will be a door closing/window opening opportunity.
posted by Leezie at 2:21 PM on November 3, 2011
You have school work? Get to it -- intense concentration makes emotional pain less bad.
posted by grobstein at 2:30 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by grobstein at 2:30 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Get off the internet and go call some of your friends and get out of the house. Do this as much as possible, for as many days as possible, until you stop not-knowing what to do.
posted by hermitosis at 2:32 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 2:32 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry, I know how badly this hurts. Nthing all the very good near-term advice above.
Here's the one thing I'd add: She is not the love of your life. SHE IS NOT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Try your best to bite your tongue when you start to hear yourself tell yourself again, as tempting as it may feel to hit on that nerve again and again, like it's a toothache that you can't stop pushing with your tongue to feel how bad it hurts.
Now that this woman has shown you that there's a new level for how happy you can be, let that open at least a tiny corner of your mind to the idea that there is someone else who can and will bring you to a new, even higher level -- happiness that you can't imagine now, just as you couldn't imagine the happiness you found with your ex before you met her. The difference? The love will be mutual. She will be as head over heels for you as you are for her, and for the long term. Remind yourself that you deserve to get the kind of love that you are obviously capable of giving.
You don't really have to believe it yet, especially while the wind is still knocked out of you, but the biggest favor you can do for yourself is to excise the notion that she is/was The One.
You can do this.
posted by argonauta at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2011 [13 favorites]
Here's the one thing I'd add: She is not the love of your life. SHE IS NOT THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. Try your best to bite your tongue when you start to hear yourself tell yourself again, as tempting as it may feel to hit on that nerve again and again, like it's a toothache that you can't stop pushing with your tongue to feel how bad it hurts.
Now that this woman has shown you that there's a new level for how happy you can be, let that open at least a tiny corner of your mind to the idea that there is someone else who can and will bring you to a new, even higher level -- happiness that you can't imagine now, just as you couldn't imagine the happiness you found with your ex before you met her. The difference? The love will be mutual. She will be as head over heels for you as you are for her, and for the long term. Remind yourself that you deserve to get the kind of love that you are obviously capable of giving.
You don't really have to believe it yet, especially while the wind is still knocked out of you, but the biggest favor you can do for yourself is to excise the notion that she is/was The One.
You can do this.
posted by argonauta at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2011 [13 favorites]
Aw I'm sorry. Talk to your best friend, seconding cuddling with a furry animal, if you like your family maybe go hang out with them for awhile, if you have vacation time take it and a friend who can go with, get out of town. It's probably good to get out of your everyday environment if you can.
I don't know about work, but definitely go to school. When I had a crazy emotional breakdown I cried in my car then went to class and being around people who were totally oblivious and acted friendly and normal towards me made me feel SOOOO much better and more normal.
Smoke some weed, if you're ok with that sort of thing and you know you'll react well.
If you can't stop thinking about her try to concentrate on any qualities you didn't like about her. Blow them out of proportion. Any fights you had, try to remember how much of a bitch she was. Some people might not agree with me on that one, but it worked for me to fade feelings.
Go for a run or a long, long lonnnnggg walk. Furry animals though, that's an especially good one. If you find a puppy..
posted by ad4pt at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2011
I don't know about work, but definitely go to school. When I had a crazy emotional breakdown I cried in my car then went to class and being around people who were totally oblivious and acted friendly and normal towards me made me feel SOOOO much better and more normal.
Smoke some weed, if you're ok with that sort of thing and you know you'll react well.
If you can't stop thinking about her try to concentrate on any qualities you didn't like about her. Blow them out of proportion. Any fights you had, try to remember how much of a bitch she was. Some people might not agree with me on that one, but it worked for me to fade feelings.
Go for a run or a long, long lonnnnggg walk. Furry animals though, that's an especially good one. If you find a puppy..
posted by ad4pt at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2011
Call a friend. Go have some drinks with them.
Do not call your ex. In fact, take the battery out of your phone after you call your friend and put it away for awhile. Do not call your ex.
Do not call your ex. Have some more drinks with some friends.
While it won't help, know that this is a universal human experience and you'll get better. I mean you won't be able to realize that it's true for awhile, but it is. Do not call your ex.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:41 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Do not call your ex. In fact, take the battery out of your phone after you call your friend and put it away for awhile. Do not call your ex.
Do not call your ex. Have some more drinks with some friends.
While it won't help, know that this is a universal human experience and you'll get better. I mean you won't be able to realize that it's true for awhile, but it is. Do not call your ex.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:41 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I had a four year relationship end just before Christmas last year. I spent about a month feeling really down and sorry for myself. In mid January, during the worst of it, I decided to reboot with a plan that would ensure me absolutely zero free time: do something different everyday for a month. So in February, every single day I had to do something out of the ordinary. Day one was boxing lessons, day two was bake an apple pie from scratch, etc.
It worked to the point that I felt completely mentally drained but awesome by week two. My friends got enthused about the project and joined in.
I'm not suggesting you do exactly that, but get yourself into a project that will exhaust all of your mental energy, so you don't have any left over to dwell on your ex.
posted by justkevin at 2:45 PM on November 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
It worked to the point that I felt completely mentally drained but awesome by week two. My friends got enthused about the project and joined in.
I'm not suggesting you do exactly that, but get yourself into a project that will exhaust all of your mental energy, so you don't have any left over to dwell on your ex.
posted by justkevin at 2:45 PM on November 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
Whenever I have bad things happen to me on this magnitude I clean my whole house, repair broken things, scrub my toilet, and organize my desktop and files.
It doesn't make me feel better, I suspect it won't make you feel better either, but your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do anyway is live well, might as well use how much this FUCKING SUCKS to do the things that would make better times suck worse but can't touch you now.
posted by Blasdelb at 2:48 PM on November 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
It doesn't make me feel better, I suspect it won't make you feel better either, but your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do anyway is live well, might as well use how much this FUCKING SUCKS to do the things that would make better times suck worse but can't touch you now.
posted by Blasdelb at 2:48 PM on November 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
Full on cut-off for the ex for now. Don't let her keep using you as best friend forever. I'd even defriend on FB and the like. You need your space, your own area. Basically, for a few months, you don't exist. You could just not have her stuff display.
If she tries contacting you say it hurts too much and you need her to respect your need to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Switch your status to single. Flirt. Accept any pain that comes your way. Acknowledge that pain and move on each and every time it comes up. Eventually the amount of pain and its frequency will decrease.
Then you will be over her.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:56 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
If she tries contacting you say it hurts too much and you need her to respect your need to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Switch your status to single. Flirt. Accept any pain that comes your way. Acknowledge that pain and move on each and every time it comes up. Eventually the amount of pain and its frequency will decrease.
Then you will be over her.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:56 PM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify, what was said upthread was correct, it happened the day after my birthday. Just after I told her how burnt out I was due to midterms, work, and my dad's surgery. Today, I talked to her again and we said our very tearful goodbyes again after I couldn't convince her this was a mistake.
She's off the social networks. I'll clear the phone as soon as I back it up. I should probably stay away from booze when I feel like this thanks to some past incidents. I no longer feel like I should withdraw this semester and I have you all to thank for that.
posted by Loto at 3:22 PM on November 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
She's off the social networks. I'll clear the phone as soon as I back it up. I should probably stay away from booze when I feel like this thanks to some past incidents. I no longer feel like I should withdraw this semester and I have you all to thank for that.
posted by Loto at 3:22 PM on November 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
When I was despondent over my breakup, about a year ago now, I found myself wanting to talk to people, but . . . I felt like a lot of my friends didn't really get what I was going through and it was rough. I got to a point where I felt like I was such a mess and it was hard for me to convey to them how I felt in a way they really got, so I ended up feeling misunderstood and more lonely than ever. Plus I felt guilty for making them have to deal with my hot mess self.
So- if you need to talk to a nonjudgmental stranger who's been through this recently, feel free to MeMail me. I can also tell you more about how I got through it, because much of it is more personal than I'd like to post on here. But to boil it down, it was important for me to do the following things:
-Got rid of EVERYTHING that reminded me of him, even benign things like groceries he'd bought for himself or things I bought because I knew he liked them. If there are things you don't want to throw away, fine, but at least hide them well.
-Try to be around other people as much as possible, even though you don't want to. I was never very much fun, but just being around a group and trying to follow their conversation while I tried to be subtle with my crying was better than sobbing my face off at home. You need distraction.
-Do not interact with her in ANY way. This is the same advice I got, and it's what everyone else on here will tell you, and it's the hardest part. Delete texts and emails without reading them. Do not answer her calls or listen if she leaves you a voicemail.
-It also helped me to indulge in the things I didn't do around him- listened to the music I liked that he hated, or watched the TV shows that he always complained about. Took myself out to restaurants he wouldn't ever go to, etc.
-This may be too much of a pain in the ass, but I unfriended ALL of his friends on Facebook. I sent an email to the one I was closest to saying "please tell everyone in the group I'm sorry for unfriending them but it's too painful to see you and be reminded of him." Plus, you don't want to log in to see some fucking picture one of them took of her with someone new. That was one of my biggest fears.
It doesn't sound like you lived together, but if you did, moving might help. Even if you didn't, it might be nice. I moved after my breakup into a neighborhood with much more personality and nightlife than where I'd lived with him- a place he would have hated- and I love it. I think being in a new place helped me redefine my identity (which, you really need to do after you are no longer with someone you thought was "The One." In time, of course, you'll realize she wasn't. But that doesn't change the fact that you did feel that way and now need to redefine your sense of self in relation to her.)
Lastly, what everyone else is saying about time. It sucks that it's the only real way to get over it, because, well, it takes forever. It's been a year for me and I feel like now I'm only maybe 50-60% over it. I don' break into random tears anymore but like . . . last night I had a dream about him and woke up feeling like shit. But then again, it was the first time in a while I've dreamed about him whereas post-breakup it was an every-night occurrence. So, the pain does taper off. Slowly. I do date now, which I definitely couldn't handle in the months following the breakup (even though I tried.)
Hang in there. I know it sucks but you're already at the low point. Every day from here on out will be better. Maybe only .001% better than the day before. But every day these increments will keep adding up until you're back to 100% or at least close to it. I often found myself imagining it like tossing spare change into a jar. It's not much on a daily basis, but after enough time goes by it will have added up to something substantial.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:26 PM on November 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
So- if you need to talk to a nonjudgmental stranger who's been through this recently, feel free to MeMail me. I can also tell you more about how I got through it, because much of it is more personal than I'd like to post on here. But to boil it down, it was important for me to do the following things:
-Got rid of EVERYTHING that reminded me of him, even benign things like groceries he'd bought for himself or things I bought because I knew he liked them. If there are things you don't want to throw away, fine, but at least hide them well.
-Try to be around other people as much as possible, even though you don't want to. I was never very much fun, but just being around a group and trying to follow their conversation while I tried to be subtle with my crying was better than sobbing my face off at home. You need distraction.
-Do not interact with her in ANY way. This is the same advice I got, and it's what everyone else on here will tell you, and it's the hardest part. Delete texts and emails without reading them. Do not answer her calls or listen if she leaves you a voicemail.
-It also helped me to indulge in the things I didn't do around him- listened to the music I liked that he hated, or watched the TV shows that he always complained about. Took myself out to restaurants he wouldn't ever go to, etc.
-This may be too much of a pain in the ass, but I unfriended ALL of his friends on Facebook. I sent an email to the one I was closest to saying "please tell everyone in the group I'm sorry for unfriending them but it's too painful to see you and be reminded of him." Plus, you don't want to log in to see some fucking picture one of them took of her with someone new. That was one of my biggest fears.
It doesn't sound like you lived together, but if you did, moving might help. Even if you didn't, it might be nice. I moved after my breakup into a neighborhood with much more personality and nightlife than where I'd lived with him- a place he would have hated- and I love it. I think being in a new place helped me redefine my identity (which, you really need to do after you are no longer with someone you thought was "The One." In time, of course, you'll realize she wasn't. But that doesn't change the fact that you did feel that way and now need to redefine your sense of self in relation to her.)
Lastly, what everyone else is saying about time. It sucks that it's the only real way to get over it, because, well, it takes forever. It's been a year for me and I feel like now I'm only maybe 50-60% over it. I don' break into random tears anymore but like . . . last night I had a dream about him and woke up feeling like shit. But then again, it was the first time in a while I've dreamed about him whereas post-breakup it was an every-night occurrence. So, the pain does taper off. Slowly. I do date now, which I definitely couldn't handle in the months following the breakup (even though I tried.)
Hang in there. I know it sucks but you're already at the low point. Every day from here on out will be better. Maybe only .001% better than the day before. But every day these increments will keep adding up until you're back to 100% or at least close to it. I often found myself imagining it like tossing spare change into a jar. It's not much on a daily basis, but after enough time goes by it will have added up to something substantial.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:26 PM on November 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'll clear the phone as soon as I back it up. I should probably stay away from booze when I feel like this thanks to some past incidents. I no longer feel like I should withdraw this semester and I have you all to thank for that.
Good, you're handling this very well. It will be hard. There will be quiet moments when you'll just lose it. THAT'S NORMAL. It's okay!
Just don't do anything too drastic.
I am pretty sure almost anyone on the street could tell you a bad breakup story and I'm sure most stories would have them acting stupidly in some way or another during that period so even if you slip, it'll be okay. We're emotional creatures and it sucks but it happens.
Maybe visiting family for a few days would help? Leaving the area can clear my mind.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:39 PM on November 3, 2011
Good, you're handling this very well. It will be hard. There will be quiet moments when you'll just lose it. THAT'S NORMAL. It's okay!
Just don't do anything too drastic.
I am pretty sure almost anyone on the street could tell you a bad breakup story and I'm sure most stories would have them acting stupidly in some way or another during that period so even if you slip, it'll be okay. We're emotional creatures and it sucks but it happens.
Maybe visiting family for a few days would help? Leaving the area can clear my mind.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:39 PM on November 3, 2011
Today, I talked to her again and we said our very tearful goodbyes again after I couldn't convince her this was a mistake.
And that's the lead to the only thing that I think you must do and which is mandatory:
Accept it.
It's so hard to do this. Own powerful feelings want to fight it and we get this constant dysfunctional message out of the media that there's value in Just. Trying. Harder. But a relationship is more than just one person and when one person declares they will no longer participate then you have to honor that.
That's kinda dovetail with what argonauta said. By definition this person isn't the love of your life because she didn't want to be a part of this joint project. I think the "one true" concept is wrong and counter-productive but even if you want to believe that such a thing exists you must accept that this person is not her.
So respect her right to pull the rip cord even if you wish she hadn't. Stay off the phone and don't beg/negotiate/holler. It's pointless and it will slow your healing. Write things down and throw them away if you feel you must but avoid entertaining the idea - even for a nanosecond - that there are things you can do or words you can say to change this.
Accepting powerlessness here is hard but you'll be better for it.
posted by phearlez at 3:40 PM on November 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
And that's the lead to the only thing that I think you must do and which is mandatory:
Accept it.
It's so hard to do this. Own powerful feelings want to fight it and we get this constant dysfunctional message out of the media that there's value in Just. Trying. Harder. But a relationship is more than just one person and when one person declares they will no longer participate then you have to honor that.
That's kinda dovetail with what argonauta said. By definition this person isn't the love of your life because she didn't want to be a part of this joint project. I think the "one true" concept is wrong and counter-productive but even if you want to believe that such a thing exists you must accept that this person is not her.
So respect her right to pull the rip cord even if you wish she hadn't. Stay off the phone and don't beg/negotiate/holler. It's pointless and it will slow your healing. Write things down and throw them away if you feel you must but avoid entertaining the idea - even for a nanosecond - that there are things you can do or words you can say to change this.
Accepting powerlessness here is hard but you'll be better for it.
posted by phearlez at 3:40 PM on November 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
A lot of people have an in-the-moment mindfulness practice, be it yoga, meditation, jogging, tetris, doing arithmatic in your head, cleaning, working, etc... It will be a good idea to know which of those work for you and to have them on-hand for when the grief is really attacking you. This is especially important if you start feeling impulsive.
For me, getting over someone like this was a lot like getting over mono. There's a week of Hell, then you feel 60% yourself, a month and you're
at 80%... three months and you're at 95%... the sad times come but they get smaller and farther apart until they're no louder than the background noise. That's not to say you should put a timeline on it, because everyone is different and some people heal more slowly, but you should experience progress. If you get stuck, there are professionals to help with that, too.
posted by Skwirl at 3:46 PM on November 3, 2011
For me, getting over someone like this was a lot like getting over mono. There's a week of Hell, then you feel 60% yourself, a month and you're
at 80%... three months and you're at 95%... the sad times come but they get smaller and farther apart until they're no louder than the background noise. That's not to say you should put a timeline on it, because everyone is different and some people heal more slowly, but you should experience progress. If you get stuck, there are professionals to help with that, too.
posted by Skwirl at 3:46 PM on November 3, 2011
Spend some time here:
http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/
posted by Exchequer at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2011
http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/
posted by Exchequer at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2011
Visit your family and let them take care of you for a couple of days.
Clean your apartment (you may not feel better after, but at least you'll have a clean bathroom).
You know those things you like to do but she didn't and so you didn't do them when you were together? Do those.
This might or might not be a good idea, but you could talk to people you know in happy relationships and ask them about the heartbreaks they went through. It might encourage you to know that everyone goes through this, but you will be happy again at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
posted by McPuppington the Third at 4:05 PM on November 3, 2011
Clean your apartment (you may not feel better after, but at least you'll have a clean bathroom).
You know those things you like to do but she didn't and so you didn't do them when you were together? Do those.
This might or might not be a good idea, but you could talk to people you know in happy relationships and ask them about the heartbreaks they went through. It might encourage you to know that everyone goes through this, but you will be happy again at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
posted by McPuppington the Third at 4:05 PM on November 3, 2011
One thing worth sparing some thought over is that this girl that you love--i.e., whose wellbeing you care about very, very much--is obviously going through some incredibly difficult personal trauma which she had successfully hidden from you until now. She may very well be making a horribly difficult but correct choice that she needs not to be in a relationship while she works on these issues. It's of no comfort to you, of course, that she's decided she can't be with you, but it should be some comfort to you that someone you care deeply about is taking positive steps to deal with what are, presumably, significant personal problems.
And before you listen to the voice that says "but she'd be so much better off if she stayed with me and let me help her through these problems" do appreciate that you really can't know that that is true. After all, she managed to keep you completely unaware of these problems up until this time. That means you really aren't in a position to know much of anything about their seriousness or about how she'd be best advised to deal with them.
I think if you think of some of the pain you're going through as being your contribution to helping someone you love become the person they want, and deserve, to be, it might ease the sting a little. Love, above all, is not selfish. Especially when that truth hurts like hell.
posted by yoink at 4:29 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
And before you listen to the voice that says "but she'd be so much better off if she stayed with me and let me help her through these problems" do appreciate that you really can't know that that is true. After all, she managed to keep you completely unaware of these problems up until this time. That means you really aren't in a position to know much of anything about their seriousness or about how she'd be best advised to deal with them.
I think if you think of some of the pain you're going through as being your contribution to helping someone you love become the person they want, and deserve, to be, it might ease the sting a little. Love, above all, is not selfish. Especially when that truth hurts like hell.
posted by yoink at 4:29 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This bites, man. Sorry.
Here's a couple of suggestions.
1. The great thing about being in love, is that you can be in love with more that one person over the course of your life. She was the love of your life, to date. But you've got a whole rest of your life. You are clearly someone capable of loving and of being loved. You will, eventually, meet someone who can treat you better.
2. It's OK to be sad. Give yourself time to grieve. Take a week or two and be sad, if you feel like you need it. But then set a hard deadline where you get back to your life. You have rich, full existence. You have work and school and friends and hobbies. She wasn't the only thing in your life.
3. Work out. Go for a run, ride a bike, lift some weights. You will burn off some frustration, and fill your body with endorphins (which will take the edge off). It helps. Seriously.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:33 PM on November 3, 2011
Here's a couple of suggestions.
1. The great thing about being in love, is that you can be in love with more that one person over the course of your life. She was the love of your life, to date. But you've got a whole rest of your life. You are clearly someone capable of loving and of being loved. You will, eventually, meet someone who can treat you better.
2. It's OK to be sad. Give yourself time to grieve. Take a week or two and be sad, if you feel like you need it. But then set a hard deadline where you get back to your life. You have rich, full existence. You have work and school and friends and hobbies. She wasn't the only thing in your life.
3. Work out. Go for a run, ride a bike, lift some weights. You will burn off some frustration, and fill your body with endorphins (which will take the edge off). It helps. Seriously.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:33 PM on November 3, 2011
Ouch, Loto. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I really feel for you. There is some very good advice in the comments above, so I'll just throw in a couple of thoughts.
You have been hurt, and you need to take care of yourself, just as if someone had injured you. Really, the only thing that will make you feel better is time, but there are a couple of things that will help in the short term.
- Go for a drink with your friends if you need to take the edge off, but please don't drink to excess. You don't want to establish a dangerous precedent.
- Don't be surprised if you find yourself going through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, just as if there had been a death in your family. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and you will be wise beyond your years if you can pay attention to what you are feeling and why.
- At times like this, it's good to put yourself in the presence of the big forces of Nature. Is there any way you can get some time to just sit and watch the river, the ocean, the desert, or the autumn leaves?
Take care.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:07 PM on November 3, 2011
You have been hurt, and you need to take care of yourself, just as if someone had injured you. Really, the only thing that will make you feel better is time, but there are a couple of things that will help in the short term.
- Go for a drink with your friends if you need to take the edge off, but please don't drink to excess. You don't want to establish a dangerous precedent.
- Don't be surprised if you find yourself going through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, just as if there had been a death in your family. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and you will be wise beyond your years if you can pay attention to what you are feeling and why.
- At times like this, it's good to put yourself in the presence of the big forces of Nature. Is there any way you can get some time to just sit and watch the river, the ocean, the desert, or the autumn leaves?
Take care.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:07 PM on November 3, 2011
Sorry to hear it. My default suggestion is always long walks. Ten minutes where nothing is immediately going to be happening? Walk. Waking up on Saturday morning and the bed is empty and so is the rest of your day? Walk until it's time to go to sleep again.
posted by tumid dahlia at 10:10 PM on November 3, 2011
posted by tumid dahlia at 10:10 PM on November 3, 2011
By definition this person isn't the love of your life because she didn't want to be a part of this joint project. I think the "one true" concept is wrong and counter-productive but even if you want to believe that such a thing exists you must accept that this person is not her.
This reminds me of something very wise and useful I read here on the green a long time ago- (I think it was Scody who posted it originally, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)- anyway, "The One" is not a person, it's a relationship. This is so true and useful to remember. No matter how much I may have loved my ex, he didn't want the same things as me and we could never come to an agreement. So by that definition, that relationship really wasn't The One. Framing it in that way helped me let it go.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 6:39 AM on November 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
This reminds me of something very wise and useful I read here on the green a long time ago- (I think it was Scody who posted it originally, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)- anyway, "The One" is not a person, it's a relationship. This is so true and useful to remember. No matter how much I may have loved my ex, he didn't want the same things as me and we could never come to an agreement. So by that definition, that relationship really wasn't The One. Framing it in that way helped me let it go.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 6:39 AM on November 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I'm sad to read your message. I have been in a similar place. It does get better. The key for me with my last break-up was to commit to "no contact." In previous break-ups, each time we talked post-break-up would make the feelings fresh again. The most recent time, I decided on "no contact" and it has worked well.
In the weeks immediately following the break-up, I leaned on my mom. We went to movies and lunches. I never really wanted to go, but it was better than not going. I remember eating lunch with my mom the day after the break-up and I couldn't eat a thing. However, being out was better for me than staying in. I wallowed when I was out, but it was a less intense wallowing.
I mainly want to say that you will feel better than you feel now. One thing that got me through was thinking about people who healed from losses such as my grandpa who lost my grandma after nearly 60 years of marriage and ended up being happy and dating into his 90s.
Another family friend of mine, lost her husband when he was in his late 50s. She spent awhile on dating sites, but she is now in a relationship again and just got back from a European cruise with her new love.
The pain will get better. Take it easy on yourself as you grieve.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:53 PM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
In the weeks immediately following the break-up, I leaned on my mom. We went to movies and lunches. I never really wanted to go, but it was better than not going. I remember eating lunch with my mom the day after the break-up and I couldn't eat a thing. However, being out was better for me than staying in. I wallowed when I was out, but it was a less intense wallowing.
I mainly want to say that you will feel better than you feel now. One thing that got me through was thinking about people who healed from losses such as my grandpa who lost my grandma after nearly 60 years of marriage and ended up being happy and dating into his 90s.
Another family friend of mine, lost her husband when he was in his late 50s. She spent awhile on dating sites, but she is now in a relationship again and just got back from a European cruise with her new love.
The pain will get better. Take it easy on yourself as you grieve.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:53 PM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I just wanted to thank you all for the advice, it's been very helpful.
posted by Loto at 12:24 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Loto at 12:24 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Just get up and at least show up to work. Do what you can. Do your homework. Even a half-assed job is better than none. It's ok to just do as much as you can handle.
Do things that feel good. Go hang out with an old buddy. Play video games in your sweats all day. It's important to do little things to take care of yourself.
posted by chatongriffes at 2:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]