Bad idea to contact an ex from another lifetime?
November 2, 2011 7:23 AM Subscribe
This is yet another contacting-one’s-ex question. I will try to avoid cliches as much as possible and will do my best to jump to the marrow of this somewhat complicated tale.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
The cast includes my ex, X (a man); myself (a woman); my husband, Z; X’s wife; and a mutual friend. Everyone except from Z is originally from “the old country”, but we are now scattered all over the world.
X and I were the center of each other’s universe from the ages of 14 to 17. (Sorry, that’s cheesy already... I almost threw up a little just typing that.) It was all rather adorably awkward in a Zooey Dechanel comedy sort of way, as we were two introverts who sucked at courtship and words and emotions. Had we had more time (and either a whole lot more or a whole lot less maturity, who knows), we would have probably gone further physically; however, suffice it to say that things stayed rather innocent.
And then the Balkan wars of the early 1990s started and our world imploded. Our parents sent us elsewhere to safety. We ended up on different continents and completely lost touch. That was approximately 20 years ago.
So here I am today, in my adopted country, cocooned in a delicious marriage to an awesome guy, Z. Z is, without a doubt, The One. I love him in a much steadier, deeper, more rooted way than I ever loved X, and can’t even begin to imagine my life without him. I am happy.
And finally, here comes my actual question. X and I haven’t had any contact in two decades, and every once in a while that kind of gnaws at me. We used to be, first and foremost, such excellent friends, and I hate to think that that’s really gone for good. I’d like a Facebook-type relationship where we “like” pictures of each other’s vacations, babies, and kittens--all this with an ocean between us, and an understanding that we are in a totally different emotional place now and that we will probably never see each other in person again. And yet, I am not sure whether contacting him is the right thing to do.
X is married with children; I know this through a friend we have in common and with whom I reconnected several years ago. This friend also happens to be the godmother of X’s children and a very close friend of his wife. X is not on Facebook, but his wife is. I do not know X’s wife, though I did know of her in my “old” life (again, just as a friend of our mutual friend). So, surely I should not contact her via Facebook? ...The only other option I can think of involves asking our mutual friend for X’s contact information; however, that also strikes me as open to misinterpretation.
Please give me your honest feedback. If you were X (and/or X’s wife), would hearing from me be strange? Were you in a similar situation (well, perhaps minus the war) that either did or did not work out well?
Last but not least, let’s not forget to mention my ridiculously handsome and excellent Z. Please assume that he is perfectly comfortable with this, as he knows to whom my heart belongs.