Tips on wedding celebrant-type duties!
November 1, 2011 10:11 PM   Subscribe

Hi! I'm officiating the wedding of some dear friends in a month or so. There'll be a licensed celebrant in attendance to handle all the legalities and such though! Got any tips for a newbie on how to handle it?

I've never done this sort of thing before, but I'm looking forward to it! I'd love any neat tips on things to say or do in preparation for the event. I have to make some sort of short speech and am meeting the celebrant with the couple soon, but if you have done this sort of thing before I'd love to hear about your experiences.
posted by mooza to Human Relations (7 answers total)
 
Best answer: Do a physical runthrough where you make people walk where they will actually be walking, sit where they will sit, etc. It's surprising how often people are in the process of getting married when they realize they forgot a chair for the groom, or that the couple has to cross an awkwardly long distance over and over, or the bride can't get up the tall step without help, or whatever.

Talk more slowly than you think you need to. Pause longer than you think you need to.

Make your gestures large and unapologetic if you have to do any postures of blessing or whatever. Don't shrink into yourself.

Anything you will be reading off the page should be in sixteen point font,
and lines should break
where you will naturally break when speaking,
which makes for much easier reading aloud.

I put the couple's lines, anything where they aren't just repeating after me, on pink and blue index cards so THEY can grab a cheat sheet. (Or whatever colors you can easily remember.) If they repeat after you,
The chunks
Must be very
Short.
Try it a couple of times with them to make sure the chunks are the right length. Seriously you can't say "With this ring I thee wed." You have to say "With this ring" (echo) "I thee wed" (echo).

Generally I don't believe in the couple being married memorizing things. Recipe for disaster. The ability of the human mind to forget its lines under wedding stress is amazing. (I'm also not a super-fan of couples writing their own vows to be read as a SURPRISE on the wedding day. They really should have at least one person edit them, even if it will be a surprise to the spouse-to-be ... some things sound awesome in your head and are SUPER-AWKWARD out loud.)

Don't lock your knees. Don't let the wedding party lock their knees, especially women in heels. If anyone starts hyperventilating or holding their breath, remind them to breathe. If you get the giggles, bite the inside of your cheek.

Write physical directions or reminders in your speech/book of order/whatever in a different-colored pen, like red or green, so you'll remember to send the ring-bearer to get the ring, or to turn around to face the back, or to give your arm to grandpa, or whatever.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:30 PM on November 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Oh, and for the speech, you don't have to try to make a Grand Statement About Marriage. (If you're using a traditional ceremony, they're all in that, anyway.) I find it's best to go simple and heartfelt, and talk about the couple from your personal knowledge of them and about their SPECIFIC relationship. Lots of officiants don't, either because they don't know the couple, or because they think a marriage sermon/speech should be bland generalities about marriage. Guests usually love it when the officiant talks about the actual couple in actual specifics. They will almost certainly comment that that was the best/nicest/most charming wedding sermon/speech they ever heard if you do that. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:38 PM on November 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, totally ask to have a rehearsal and say your planned lines. Change as you see fit, ask "how would you have liked me to 'perform' otherwise?" Definitely get a feel for the relatives, especially the relatives who might be funding the shindig.

For the actual thing; they're probably more nervous than you are. Your role is to be a calming presence/source-of-levity. Since you know them well, you can greet them by complimenting the on how well they're suited for each other (or not), and then you can create a bit of levity by referencing one of their couples-foibles.

Then play it straight, do what their parents expect, and be there to do what the law expects (the signing and the paperwork and whatnot), and if you do it well, then, your job is done, and done well. Or, in your situation, make sure that the official celebrant does everything they're supposed to do.

In-jokes and banter is better left until everyone has had a few drinks.
posted by porpoise at 12:34 AM on November 2, 2011


I totally agree with Eyebrows McGee about the GSAM. Everyone's heard it all before. Keep it sincere, specific, and don't be afraid to make it a little fun/funny (these things can be so painfully boring.)

Some things that might help avoid awkwardness:

1. Are there any people/deities/concepts that must or must not be acknowledged?
2. You're the de facto MC, so how do the couple want to you to transition folks into and out of the ceremony?
posted by JohnFredra at 7:19 AM on November 2, 2011


Not to come in second-guessing, but you actually could become the officiant fairly easy, if your friends wanted you to. (My mother got it done in under a month (Universal Life Church + official registry with the state of New York)).

Anyway: DEFINITELY interview the wedding folks about what they want, in order, and how. Rings! Vows! How what and when! Do they want "repeat after me" vows? Do they want to make a statement? Do they want them secret? Do they want to know in advance what the other is saying?

ALSO they need to rehearse WHAT HAND TO EXTEND if they are doing rings because you wouldn't believe how easy it is to try to jam a ring on someone's wrong hand while everyone laughs at you. (Oooof, haha, God, I'll never live that down.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:44 AM on November 2, 2011


A dear friend of ours officiated. Three things he did that were amazing:

1) We talked to him first about our story - how we met, and what was important to us about our relationship. what we had been through together that we think about most and that defines our union. Through that, he drew out a clear theme about distance being no object to us, and our love being the ultimate home - by telling some of our story, but also referring to, say, The Odyssey. We love that, it felt like we were joining a meaningful club to have a speech that touched on the historical and universal - but it also felt incredibly personal that mentioned our specific trajectories and idiosyncrasies.

2) We provided him with the contact info for each of our three closest friends. He interviewed them briefly over the phone for anecdotes. Our ceremony was in a lot of ways to celebrate our friendships - and it was great that he wove in some of the things our best friends said about us.

3) He wrote down his speech neatly in a pretty little notebook that he read from during the ceremony, and when it was all over, he gave us the notebook to keep. That book, and the crumpled scrap of paper we wrote our vows on, means THE MOST to us out of every single object in our wedding.
posted by sestaaak at 10:20 AM on November 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


You don't have to be funny. It's not a roast. You're not an Oscar host. I heartily disagree with the idea that your job is to bring levity (unless of course the couple specifically asked you to make it funny, but I guess you would have mentioned that).

My personal impulse would be to say that it's also not a presentation and you're not introducing them, and it's not a funeral and you're not eulogizing them. Presumably everyone there already knows them and cares about them (even if only by proxy).

The best is to get direction from the couple about how they see your role.

In the abstract, think that if you can say what this day/ceremony/institution means - specifically to the couple getting married and to the community that's witnessing it, that could be a great blend of the personal and the transcendent.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:19 PM on November 2, 2011


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